Lover, You Should Have Come Over

If I didn't know the difference, living alone would probably be okay. It wouldn't be lonely.
I've got a long way to go, getting further away.

Back when school first started, I was in an Elliott Smith mood a lot. You know the mood? The one where you feel absolutely hopeless and longing and somewhat beautiful and desperate (refer to: "Let's Get Lost"). It's because I missed you a lot. Now I still do (when you're gone I guess). But it's more like Jeff Buckley (funny you kind-of introduced me to both). Jeff Buckley is like the guy that died before his time. Elliott too, but it was a choice. Confusing, right? I always thought Jeff's music was sadder, because it was soft and sad and low, not quite as beautiful and harsh as Elliott's. With Jeff, you can hear the sadness in his voice. It's pretty amazing. Hard to Explain.

I don't know why I'm longing for things when I would have been happy with my situation several months ago. I really don't get it. I look back on this summer, and yes I spent a lot of time with my friends but I didn't spend *that* much time with you. There were just a few notable instances when I did. Like those weird 4 days after I came back from Italy. And a bit at the end of summer. But besides that... not much. Now I get to see you very often when I'm in town. I guess because I'm separate from you a lot when I'm at school, so when I'm back I expect to see you a lot more. I know it's not like in the long run it really matters. We have years and years ahead of us to spend days together if we want. I guess I just get so fixated on an idea sometimes that I can't let it go and I end up hurting myself. Like when I wanted to run away so badly. It's still on my bucket list. Here it is so far:

1) CHL!
2) Ski a black diamond.
3) Go bungee jumping.
4) Jump from a plane.
5) Go to Croatia.
6) Explore NYC with someone I'm in love with.
7) Fireworks (I know I've already done it, but hey I just put it to make myself feel better hehe!)
8) Kiss you (Done it!)
9) Tell you I love you (Done it!)
Okay now I'm just putting stuff I've done to make myself feel better. How about a 2013 bucket list?? YES.

1) GET MY FIRST JOB. YES. I need to start looking soon.
2) Perform on stage. At least 3 times. (See 3&4)
3) Perform on stage.
4) Perform on stage.
5) Do something at ND (like a play or a club or something) random that sounds totally awesome.
6) GET ALL A's! Work harder... Robin and I shall be smart ladies.
7) Go skiing. Yup. Sounds impossible considering all things but yup.
8) Set off fireworks again (Don't quite care when)
9) Explore Austin with Rob
9.5) Say yes to EVERY offer on April 12, 2013
10) Do all the teenagery stuff on my birthday...
     -TP someone's house
     -Make out at the movie theatre
     -Ding dong ditch
     -Get a longboard and start skating around listening to music hahaha
     -Have a prank calling night
     -Go on the roof of the school

I don't know what else. More to come tomorrow.

How Quickly

I'll never let it push your arms no more.

I miss writing prose.

There are many things I do not want to forget about you, but can I keep this one memory, please love?

On the trampoline at night under stars Claire de Lune so loud above our heads is the moon. And your laughter is the most silent, perfect music, and I know I wrote it. That's all a heart can want, and it's cold.

This Night Could Last Forever

How many nights have I been thinking about you, wanting to hold you but knowing you would not be there?

One week and finals are OVER! And only 3 more classes left for this whole semester... AND my paper is shaping up nicely (I only have one more night of writing it, then editing!), and my Gender Studies project seems pretty simple actually. All is well. I feel kind of confident about all my exams (I only have three, haha!). All is well in my world.

Except that I miss you so.

Oh Well, Okay

Pretty much the opposite of how I feel. I'll miss you, but while I'm gone I'll think of our house. Let's always always go back there, love. I'll try to do what you do and not think about it, because it makes me sad (the being away, not the you being here). It's just nice to know there will be a day in the future when we see each other again. I look forward to that, and let's just build our own lives. If they match up one day, that's just fine. If they don't, it doesn't mean we can't be friends. Stay safe and healthy and lovely and happy while I'm away.

Thanks to be Given

Happy happy thanksgiving! What am I thankful for? In no particular order other than the one in which they came to my brain:
1) Notre Dame. For everything working out well... Things could have gone so wrong. Knowing me, yeah. But maybe someone (including myself) was looking out for me, guiding me to be successful. I'm proud of myself. I mean, look at me! I'm a pretty cool chick. Gotta admit it. ;-)
2) My parents. Although they usually annoy me to no end, I am glad they support me and love me. They're my foundation that I don't really notice or thank enough.
3) Robin. I love Huckleberry! She is my newest best friend and I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm so happy to see her every day, even when she annoys me or something.
4) Jenna. Although we don't really talk, I'm grateful for what she's taught me.
5) My whole life. It's been a great lesson so far.
6) The unexplained happiness of 7 months time. Who knows? I'll go with it.
7) My ability to reason. I love my reason and my little bit of wisdom. I cherish it. I love it more than any knowledge I could spew out, because knowledge only gets you so far. Wisdom gets you around and out.
8) Zach. I don't know why, but I love him still. I just can't shake him. I don't think I want to. I just enjoy whatever it is that is happening, although sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't.
9) The conversation we had tonight.
10) Jeannette. She makes me laugh when I don't think I can. Even though she can be mean and cuss and stuff, she's really just a sweet girl.
11) Celeste and Gracie, who challenge me.
12) Monica, for making me smile with her sense of humour similar to mine and for teaching me new things.
13) Connor, for being patient and nice and a good explorer.
14) Lauren, for her absolute wonderfulness and sweetness to the world. I am thankful, too, that she is doing better and has found a nice boy, Alex.
15) Music. Forever.
16) My health. Gotta put it on here! I can't just take it for granted. I mean, seriously. I complain and bitch about shit, but I have it so easy. I realise this and I'm not ashamed. Why be ashamed? Be grateful!
17) My pets. They're cute.
18) Feeling at home somewhere.
19) Food. Food. Food. Yum.
20) I'm looking forward to Saturday. The Beatles in film. Creepy barn. Longboarding. Elliott Smith on Vinyl. What sounds better? And with an awesome friend. Oh yeah, that sounds better.
21) Gotta admit... Spotify and Netflix. *Hipster embarrassment*
22) I love my classes (expect Theology)!

There's a lot more, but they're little things like *literature* and *Elliott Smith*... They matter, but my hand hurts. Love more.

No Coffee, No Crying, No Whiskey, No Wine

Nothing else will do.

Yeah, so I figured out I don't really want to be *that* girl. You know... Gil Da Ran in Big. That poor girl that everyone feels sorry for because her man is playing her behind her back with some slut doctor, and he hasn't even told her he loves her, or even hung out with her that much, but she is just so god damn devoted to him because she thinks the world of him and is hoping one day he will, too. Oh, Gil Da Ran... Why?

I just need to know if I'm wasting my time. Am I? I can wait, you know. I'm patient with these things. I can wait for ages, but I need to know if we're on the same page. Because I know other men will love me. I'm not being egotistic... But that's just life. I have 4 more years to meet men, men, men. Hot men, sweet men, smart men, men who will tell me that they love men. Men who will bring me flowers. And I know I sound like some cheesey chick flick, like some gross girl's day dream. I know that. I am overemphasizing here. I just don't want to be the Korean drama girl. God, no. Those are the ones me and Monica say, "Ohhh poor baby!" to. But in the fact of my mind, I know, "Good Lord, you are so loyal and truthful and STUPID. Can't you see? Be with that goofy, younger, less-attractive boy who is going to treat you well!"

Gah.

I'm sick (not really/but I should be) of always talking like this. I have a brain. I have a future. I need to god damn figure out what I like to do, get a degree, and fuck society in how crazyhappysuccesfulunconventional I shall be. I guess it's just one of those days when the world has flown into my little head and pecked out some brains. I guess I'm just speculating too much. But I need the truth. I *can* handle the truth. I can handle nothing *but* the truth. Feed me lies and I will find out and I will be so hurt. I hate being fragile, but I think I am. My friend has called me strong, but I just don't think so. Not inherently. I can appear so, but in the end of it all, I'm just a plain old girl who thinks too much, like everyone else. There was a time when I didn't want to be happy. I thought I didn't deserve happiness. What I didn't know then was that I was happy. Happy and sad go right hand in hand. Because you can either be happysad or you can be nothing. You can feel, live or can be nothing. Do nothing. Live nothing. I tried living nothing, being "content". It is like being a Zahmbie. But then I discovered that to be happy, you have to be willing to get hurt. A lot. Constantly. For months! But you will still be happy. Like tonic prolongation: you may need to throw in a dominant fifth; but toss in that little two and there's no going back. Right now I may be in a diminished seventh mode. I am feeling blue; I have since last Friday at Zahm. And that's okay. But there are rules to being blue:
1) Don't hurt anyone. Don't insult anyone to make yourself "feel better."
2) Don't be a downer. Just have fun, or try to.
3) Talk to people about it. If you want. But not obsessively.
4) Do whatever you can to solve the blueness. Don't just expect it to go away.
5) If #4 fails, then just wait it out. But again, don't just expect it to go away. It takes time.
6) Do things you like and don't give a shit.
7) Be the best person you can be.
8) Make lists. They help for some reason.
9) Continue the list even when there's no reason to, just because there's a sureness in numbers.
10) Eventually end the list though, or else you'll go madder.

It's all okay. My eyes feel a little teary and I don't know why?

Tonight, though. Tonight, tonight. Tonight I am studying. I'm not going to be like other girls and say, "Oh I am sad, I'm gonna go find a boy!" No, no honey. Hey, guess what? That makes it worse. If a boy is the problem, why involve another? Then you have two problems! Yikes! Time to go.

Something About Me

I think my biggest flaw is my loyalty. It's a flaw to me. I meet someone and I'm loyal to them forever. The only way I can stop is if they treat me awfully, drive me away, give me 12,653 reasons to leave. And even then, I press on and tell myself they'll come back. That's how it was with you, Joe. It's an awful flaw... But I guess it's just "one of my things." I am also very, very jealous. I am very crazy, too. I am weird, I am crazy, sometimes I get blue. But I hope you still mean the things you said to me, because I still mean my half. I miss that time when I was a part of your life. Now I'm so far away, and we can still talk, but I miss doing things together, living days together, spending time together. It's not the same--who can we kid? It will never be the same as it was this summer. I mean, in a way it was oddly similar when I went back. I felt the same way about and around you. I still do now. But we can't ever go back to last summer. I wish we could sometimes. Life was so simple. I could just get in my car, drive around, and know that soon I'd be hanging out with you. It didn't matter where we went or what we did, just that we were next to each other. That's really all I want. Just to be next to you. But more than anything... I'd give it up: I'd give up you liking me, being able to hold your hand, you putting your arms around me--I'd give all that loveliness up just to get to know you better. I find you fascinating. Is that so wrong? And when I'm with you, I sometimes even find myself fascinating, too. I guess you just make me feel clean. No one can do that. And if you do find someone else, which you probably will, I will be honest in saying I will be very jealous and blue at first. But like I said, I'd give it up as long as you stayed my friend. Loving someone is so hard, but it's so lovely. Only 3 1/2 weeks until I see you again! And then after that, only 3 weeks! I am still wondering why distance hasn't made me forget you? It's a phenomena I will never fully understand. Talk to me soon because I want you to, please.