I Am So Happy With Life & I Thank God For My Life Now

There'll be love, love, love wherever you go!


That's what I called the mix CD I made today. It's really a great CD! It's got a nice blend of classics (Frank Sinatra, a little 90's alternative) and slow, smooth songs (Thirteen) and upbeat, silly (I Told You I Was Freaky). I drove around listening to it for an hour today. I went to Jennifer's and then down 183 then onto New Hope (a wrong turn) then somehow I ended up on Ronald Reagan and then I drove past 1431 and to Brushy Creek (my favourite way home!) but I decided to keep going until I hit Sam Bass, drove down 79 to Old Settler's and turned around, and back towards my house. Yup, a road map of my life! I'm pretty chill & happy right now. I wish I could talk to you more, but I know you're busy and that's okay. One of my worst flaws is that I get clingy... That's what ruined it with Mercutio I think. I wouldn't let him be and let him live his life. So I'm really trying hard to not be clingy. I'm just instead trying to be grateful for when we can talk. I'm figuring out more and more what real love is, and it's hard. Because it comes with all these silly selfish feelings, like that I think I should be important (more important, you know?) but in my heart, I actually don't want to play mind games. With Mercutio I did want to play mind games, I wanted him to suffer sometimes and be jealous and make him want me to stay with ultimatums. But this time, even though we're just friends, I feel so different. I don't want to play any games, and when I slip and do, I feel really bad about it. I just want you to be happy. In my heart, I'd love to spend a lot more time with you, but I want you- and know you do- to have other friends. Love is really, really hard. It's a lot of things at once, too. It's like a constant stream of realisation and sacrifice and happiness. But you know I wouldn't change anything. I don't really know how this happened, and it happened really fast, too. I know that love is incredibly crazy and doesn't make any sense. The more I realise, the more I am confused about. I think I really need to be honest with you. This hurts like all hell, having to leave and start over... Maybe I'll find something even better. It's hard to believe that, though, when I suffered for 3 years and found something good at the end. I'm pretty sure I got stuck being "The One Who Cares More." I don't mind it, not really. Every time I tell myself, "You're so silly, just stop it and move on! Don't go any further!" I remember what was said to me on my graduation day: "There is nothing more practical than falling in love." I don't know why I liked that, but I just do. So I don't stop myself. Why stop? Love isn't meant to be done halfway. And if you don't feel the same, well that's fine. I can deal with that. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever let you down. I remember that time when I think I made you feel bad (well your face looked hurt) and I just felt so terrible in that moment. Even worse than when I get upset at something in my family. It's different: I felt like a monster. I know that's harsh to myself, and it wasn't even that bad, but hurting you hurt me so much more. I don't want to ever hurt you. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want you to think I'm creepy or whatever to be in love with you. That hurts me a lot, when people think I'm creepy for something good. I know it's a weird situation, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I don't know what to do. It would suck if I told you this and you just thought I was weird. Sometimes I get in too deep with stuff like this (granted, I've only been through this once in my life) and I can be dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you. So that you can have something wonderful, and that that something can be me. And if it can't, then I'd like to know so I can stop bugging you. I don't know! A human heart shouldn't have to feel and choose and struggle this much all at once, but I guess that's love. I know it's going to hurt worse. It's going to get worse and better, and I'm so excited to see this. I'm excited to see you grow up (if I get the chance to, if you'd let me) and mature and fall in love with someone and become famous and be happy and be sad and experience life. I'm excited to be a part of your life; I'm glad I've met you now. You may not think much of yourself, but you are so wonderful and special. There's no one like you; no one to replace you. Life is yours, forever and now, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. I'm always here if you want me, if you need support. I can stay; I can go. It's not because I'm indifferent, but rather because I love you enough to let you have what's best for you. Yeah, listen to me. I am in way too deep. There's no getting out. UGH. Would I even want to? It's so different now from last time. I hope I don't go back into my "old ways." It'd hurt you... I warned you. How can I not hurt you? I don't want you to get attached to me if that hurts you. You're my first for a lot of these things, honestly, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I chose to love you. But that's something I can't help. That's the one choice I don't have. I mean, I think love is half choice, half not-choice. When I went away for 2 weeks, I thought that when I came back and saw you that I'd be over you. But it was even worse... The feeling hadn't gone away; it was stronger. I wondered: how did that happen? It gets stronger every day. I will tell you all of this one day, I know I will. I'm not afraid to tell you. Isn't that weird? I'm not afraid. I think I'll be nervous that you'll think I'm creepy, but that's it. It's like getting a Band Aid ripped off. It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, like you said. I will always remember that moment, always always outside your house at 11:30 with the stars and the sky and your arms around me and your hand in my hair and I'm just sobbing into your shoulder and you tell me "Everything's gonna be okay...Everything's gonna be okay..." I never believed anything more than that. Holy shit. Sholy hit. I miss ya. I hope you never read or find this. I'm pretty much an idiot for putting this shit on the Internet and hoping no one finds it, but I've dealt with worse. If you do find it, it's not like I've been posting embarrassing things about you or whatever. Sometimes I like to be out of my fucking comfort zone, man! This is just like when I left St. Mike's: I had an amazing year and made best friends, it was so much better than I thought it would have been. I think I sort-of shut myself up after that. Nah I can't do that now! I chose to go away to Indiana... My mom offered for me to stay here and stay close, but I told her, "No I have to go. If I don't, I'll always wonder if I was just being scared. I'm tired of being scared to do things." So I'm off to not be scared! Isn't that funny though... I said that before I knew you. Anyways, I should probably take a shower and take care of myself. It seems sometimes I injure myself over you... That's not positive.

My Door Is Always Open

The stars are shining through our window.
It's been a while since I stared at the stars.


These fucking Noah and the Whale music videos are inspiring me. Fuck.
It's really funny how much of life is just theoretical. I wish I was better; I wish I was perfect. Not pretty or sweet or smart, but just perfect. I don't make any sense, I know.

But I Think In Poetry

I'm not here.

I sit with them, they eat their food quietly.

They quietly and silently toss back glances.

An exchange of a deluge in a tiny movement happens

Between the parents.

One is sitting near him, her eyes are dampening with tears.

The other is a quiet, good man.

He sits with a trained, calmed tongue.

It does not sell words easily.

He keeps them in his mind, where they can tumble and turn and not cause trouble.

The boy sitting across from him is the opposite:

His mouth is a store, selling and selling the lies.

Selling and Selling pathetic excuses, pathetic complaints.

No one is buying, no one can afford to anymore anyways...

The couple is spent, so spent.

The quiet man keeps his quiet eyes fixed on his wife and this boy.

He wants so badly to turn back time until this is fixed.

It slowly rips at his heart, softened by his daughter, hardened by his son.

The wife, on the other hand, is different.

Her screams do not ring silently, but they ring in the ears.

Her emotions flood all the hearts around her, except for one.

Pitiful.

She looks at this boy, her son, she sees something to be saved.

She sees a soul worth mending.

No one else could see that, not underneath the cusses and the caged anger.

She pleads so wildly, so fruitlessly, for him to change.

But making changes will never change him.

He will make sure she is this way.

He will ensure that his mother cries helplessly at him from across the table.

He will ensure that she cries at him at night, when he is far, far away.

All I Mind's Losing You

There are things in this life I'd rather not sacrifice.

Don't you ever sometimes just want to be numb? Lately I've been feeling a lot. Good things, bad things. But it's constant, and I feel like I'm going absolutely mad. I think what I lack most is patience and trust. I need to be patient with life and with what I want. I try to be, but it still gnaws at me. The minutes pass by so slowly as I try to fill them. And trust. When people tell me important stuff, I have a hard time believing it. When I say important stuff, I'm being serious and I know I'd like people to believe me... So why can't I do it? I need a little more faith. Yes, what you say is true. There's never anything to worry about. So then why do I worry so much? What is even at stake? I don't know.

Sorry, But:

They could take or leave you, so they took you. And they left you.

Here's what I'm grateful for:
Interpol
Gotye
Being me
The Secret Garden
The Avengers
We Bought a Zoo
Jenna
People being busy
Pool
PAPA MURPHY'S
Rain
Hobos
Painful plants in my foot
Lake
Free time
620
You

The Future Is Watching Me

What does it see?


Tonight I decided to take the long way home from hanging out with Lauren. I was just about to turn into my neighbourhood when I stuck my hand out into the cool summer air and I looked out the window. Fleet Foxes were playing loud on my stereo, and I was just driving home at 11:30. I looked out the window and the stars were so bright, and you were on my mind. That's when I thought, "Life has never had so much meaning."

Frank Sinatra

There is nothing for me but to love you.

I once told my mom, "Loving something is sometimes just awful." Yes, I was right. Sometimes it is just awful. But there's so, so much to look forward to, and that's all that matters. I am happy to be at my house, and to have a plan for tomorrow (although I never know how those will end up). Mainly, I think I should run more and drink more kombucha and try to get you off of my mind. Although you are not a bad thought at all. No, I just miss you; that's all. I miss you. What's great is that there is so much time ahead of us to be friends, and I look forward to all that. There's time for phone calls and letters and talking and sharing stories. I'm looking forward to that, so much. Looking forward to years of being friends. If we just both keep up our end of the deal, then we'll be all right. Love and friendship are efforts. For now, I hope you are happy and focusing on something beautiful out on the ocean, or laughing at some joke, or just doing something good for the soul. It's hard for me to sacrifice--really hard, I am selfish--and sometimes what you say hurts me in a way no one could expect. I struggle with a lot, jealousy and selfishness and being an attention whore and confusion and getting bent out of shape and forgetting my place and saying stupid stuff, but I'm working on that, really. In the pit of my stomach, I feel something weird, like life is shifting me around. It kind of makes me want to cry, but more than anything I want to talk to you. It's a good feeling to know that I can talk to you. There's been times in my life when the person I wanted to talk to the most was the one person I couldn't take to, indefinitely. You are very wise. There's a lot I want to do still with you, adventures and memories to be had, but our time together is running short. I try not to worry about the future. I just know I will get bored of you, but I remember something you told me once (my favourite thing you told me): I just think people aren't meant to be thrown away. I've done that so many times. Thrown someone away--because I'm tired of them, because they hurt me, for dumb and smart reasons. But you're so, so right. There will come a day when I will want to throw you away, I know it because I know me. But I won't throw you away (I promise. I never promise. But I promise.) because you're a lovely person, so lovely and so good, and you deserve to be loved and kept. So loved and kept will you be! I guess if you want me to stop, I could. I don't know... It's so very complicated and simple at the same time. There's so much I want to say to you. Actually, there's not that much, but its scale is so large and I feel that it is a lot. It's really only a few questions, a couple statements, and a story. I DON'T KNOW. I'm not used to this! Forgive me. I just want you to be here right now, just to be here. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I go crazy, really. I wake up some days and I think, "Oh today I will not miss him." Then I hear a song that reminds me of you, or I even just see the sunshine in a certain way, and I miss you so suddenly. Then I wake up some days and I say, "Oh I miss him today" and I get a headache from it all, and I don't want to talk to you, but I do anyways because that's how I want it to be. Does it make sense? No, I suppose not. To me even not. I wish you were not constantly on my mind. I mean, seriously. You are always there, in there somewhere, and I can't get you out. Background, foreground, you will appear somewhere out of nowhere. I just want a moment alone, you know? Leave me alone; get out! But--to add to my wishlist of you--I wish I knew exactly what you think of me. No fluff, no polite, just the cold hard truth. And everything. Do you like me? Do you think I'm strange? Don't you ever get sick of me? Just pure honesty. I try to be honest. But I haven't been. I debate telling you. I go around humming "Moon River" and wishing you could laugh at random shit with me. I miss that: laughing with you. I miss having you in my car, eating Swedish fish, talking or being silent, waiting for red lights, wanting to waste all my gas. I miss it and it's only been a small while. I don't ever want to stop talking about you. It sucks... Whenever anyone mentions you, I smile. When you call me, I smile too wide and I think you can hear it. I don't want you to hear it. Why can't I just forget you and ... and what? I hate feeling this. I hate this feeling. No. I don't know! My God. You are a good person... I don't know! So here's basically what I want: You here. You not on my mind. You telling me the truth. That's all I want right now. I don't even want music or laughter or anything but those 3 simple things. The first is physically impossible, the second is highly unlikely (even when I sleep, I think of you. Get out!), and the third... Well, hopefully that will happen someday. Maybe I need to be honest first. I've always let others take the lead and whatnot. Maybe I should be the one to start that conversation. Hm.

If It's So, Then Let Me Know

Won't you let me walk you home from school?
Won't you let me meet you at the pool?


So many thoughts, just none for here today.

"Summer Storms"


summer storms are far and few between
far and few between
but that don't mean i could forget this day

the eastern rain is far away tonight
far away night
but that don't mean you're not on my mind

how can i help but to think of you
when the lakes are risin' and their waters are blue?
it's just what my heart wants to do.

somewhere some old lovely day
someone's cherishing the way
you look at her tonight

can you beg your heart to stop
and place me where you are
so i can be the one tonight?

REFRAIN

warm and soft,
droplets fall on our noses
droplets fall on our noses
can i be someone tonight?

back inside,
watching from the window
a soundtrack i will soon know
someone tonight
someone tonight
be someone tonight

The lakes are risin', the waters are blue
So how can i help but to be thinking of you?
It's just what my heart wants to do
It's just what my heart wants to do

"The Way We Choose to Live"

we are standing on the edge

of something so much better than 

what we're living, and

the way we choose to live

if i could find the strength to say a word

then maybe i could

be the one to end

the way we choose to live

half past noon and pockets full of sand

my health determined by your hand

but how can i break from 

the way we choose to live?

lonely now, but worse when the key turns

but still, a faint grey fire burns in the foreground

it's just the way we choose to live

counting sheep, don't count on sleep tonight

insomniacs lead calmer lives than mine

february's short but i still know

that by the time they clear the snow

i will be back to keep

the way we choose to live

So, come on night.

The Things That Keep You From Dreaming

I love you now. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough?


After putting my brain through a wormhole of experiences and new life, I've found my next biggest question: How can you tell if it's love? I mean, what determines love? I'm still figuring that out. I have a couple of examples. I have this friend, and we were great friends--circumstantially--in freshman year. It's that easy kind of friendship that could run on itself, no effort, nothing, just laughter, just agreeable smiles. But then life set in, you know, and I ended up resenting her. I ended up thinking: Is this my best friend? Is this it? I felt that way for a long time. Years. But I stuck through it, and I sat down one day with her and we talked so honestly, I didn't believe we could be humans. Now we are very close.

That's love, right there. Waking up in the same bed, next to the same man, for 14 years, hating every moment of life, only to resolve that situation with truth. And respect. At least that's what I think it is. I also think it's very, very, very painful. When it's easy, it isn't love. Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist. Right? That's how I know when I love somebody; when I actually hurt to think about them, to think of their wonders and their life. I also believe that love is a choice. I can choose to absolutely sacrifice and devote myself to someone, or I can choose to make them an acquaintance. I don't really choose to love a lot of people, because love is so difficult and I am a perfectionist when it comes to important matters.

But love is great. It hurts more than anything. I mean, it's that deep, bone splitting pain that sucks right into your heart and slips out your brain into noodles and shit and you're left with nothing at all: just a fucking shell. And then suddenly you're lifted up by an invisible hand into another dimension, lifted high into happiness again, and it just hits you and it clicks, and then it tears apart again. That's what it feels like for me, anyways.

I have a terrible mind. Can I have a new one? You see, mine leads me to the worst conclusions. But the funny thing is, even if what I worry happened did happen, I'd pursue you. Because things like this are so rare, and it's this that makes the world wonderful. I've let a lot pass me by for 3 years, and I've sat like a vegetable while a wonderful world passed in front of me, trying to wake me up. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I will fight. Forever, I will fight it. I still can't believe that I almost slipped into that thought: "This is just how it is." It's never how "it is." Life can be better, always always. I never thought that I'd cry in gratitude, but each time I sit to pray, all I can say to my God is: "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Amen." I never thought I'd get back here, or better, but I did. I made it back somehow. I know I'll slip away again, and that's okay, but it's just the tide.

So there was a small moment today when I knew I love you. I was in the shower (I seem to always have breakthroughs in the shower... How terribly inconvenient?) and I was going mad thinking about what you may have been told tonight. I was going so mad that I was willing to do anything to rectify what you may have or may not have heard. I would have driven an hour. In rain. Anything; I'd run around to find whatever it is I needed to prove anything. I'd spill out my story. Humiliating. I am humiliated every single day by my love. But that's when I knew. I was going crazy. I still am. But you know what helps? My conviction to do anything to make this right, to make this work. Do you know how rare human connection is? Do you know how many soulless lives float below the surface, never tasting love, never making contact, never? I can't be that. We shouldn't ever be that. We are so young... This is how I am making the world a better place.

But there's a fine line. Because in order for me to fully love you, I need to sacrifice. That's the hardest part--almost as hard as the pain. If you told me that you needed me to leave forever, I guess I'd have to do it. I'm still learning that part. How is it possible for my head to feel empty and full at the same time? I just know that I am utterly selfish. So selfish to love you. I wish I had the strength to say this to your face, and I probably will, one day, but not too soon. Our situation is pretty complicated, isn't it? I accept this challenge, though, and I hope it only makes life better for us both. You break my heart every day.