Almost Summer

It's almost summer and almost college and almost something new. I'm not used to this, when I've seen the same 33 faces for some time. It's going to be very strange.

I don't know if I'm the only one here, but if anybody reads this, I'd appreciate an answer:

I'm a relatively hardworking person. I get all A's. I take piano lessons and do well. I am in clubs and sometimes in sports. But I just don't see myself ever having a career. When people talk about their "careers", they talk about it as if it's something wonderful, that truly brings joy to my life. The only benefit I see to a career is earning money. Am I alone here, or do other people agree: careers do not seem all that fantastic? If I had my way with life (which, Lord knows, I never will) I'd spend my life traveling, helping, doing farm work, and reading. That's it. Really.

Am I just weird?

Anyways. My dream is to become a graceful ballerina. And contemporary dancer. Wouldn't take be amazing? I don't even dance, you know, and when I do I look very robotic; but I dream of a day when I can look nice while dancing. I am too embarrassed sometimes, even at school dances where it is dark and nobody cares. Normally I don't care what people think about me, but I care what I think about myself. Yeah, it'd be really nice to dance. I hope if I ever have a little girl, she will beg me to enroll her in ballet school at age 4, because I would. I'd enroll her in the best damn ballet school in the world.

You Are The Rock

You are the one when I watch myself.

I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" by Sufjan Stevens on guitar and banjo today. That means today was good.

I don't know what much else to say.

You're the Only Good Thing

A Sun Came.

I'm reading about Belgians in the Congo.

The Loneliest Chime in the House

All I had hoped for, I kept inside your car.

I am happy. It is not elation, really, which is really just false happiness. I guess I am at peace with life for once. Today was a good day.

I don't know if you still read this, Joe, because that'd be weird. But today was fun. Then after that, I went to Jenna's house and sealed the tile thing. Then Kyle and Jenna and me went to the pool... Too cold. These 2 girls were leaving when we were getting there and they warned us it was too cold. Kyle jumped in. Jenna and I wouldn't. Then we walked to Taco Bell and saw the girls there and started talking. They were pretty nice. Kyle ate $10 worth of Taco Bell (which is a lot) and we all walked back to Jenna's house in the dark, looking at the stars and talking about religion. Very interesting. I've noticed something about Catholicism, but maybe it's just about life: I seem to have many interesting talks about faith with my friends, and it is very normal. It is also normal to not do certain things. It's hard to explain without sounding trite... But I think this may sum it up:

The most I've had this year was making a lame Christmas puzzle with Kyle and Jenna at 10 PM. I laughed so much. And I don't know why. I guess I just don't want to miss these things, and I'm happy with them. It's not some cheap happiness, but a happiness that is so small right now and I know will grow larger with time. That is the thing that sustains it: hope. Without hope, happiness is hard to find. I'm realizing there's people I truly love. I mean, honestly. I'm done taking advantage of those who love me enough to put up with me. There is a God, and he has blessed me. Of that I am sure.

I at least deserve the respect of a kiss goodbye.

Oh, Sufjan! Your music is just pure joy. I love it.

There is something else, but I can't tell what it is, really. Check #3 off of the previous list! WOO! And I guess #1 (but I mean that's more of something that will occur in May, and I can't rush it)... #4 I'm trying harder to be a better friend. I can't tell if I am. I think so. And #2 is the hardest for me. Definitely. Because she goes to my school, so I will see her later! And it will be awkward. I also want to add a #5: Hang out with Lauren. She's very cool and I LOVE people that like my kind of music. Honestly, just wonderful. Hanging out with Zack will be fun too, because he is just a nice, polite guy... You know, the kind that are hard to come by. People like that give me a sense of peace, that one day I will meet someone nice and polite and good... I think that is the most attractive quality... Well:

1) Pure goodness. This is when a guy is just good. Not sweet, not sensitive, but just good-hearted and kind. The kind of person that makes this Earth better.

2) Musical ability. Especially piano. Minus electric guitar.

3) Respectfulness. If it's not in the relationship, well shit, what is?

4) Humour. Tactful humour, not apes in tutus. Although...

5) Green eyes. Honestly. They kill me. Just like Holden Cauffield would say: They kill me.

I'm also thinking of movies I love. Honestly, most of the time I hate movies. They're awful and predictable and you can tell what emotion is trying to be evoked simply by the movie. But some movies... the story is so powerful that the music is secondary. (Another list.)

1) The Shawshank Redemption.

2) The Good Girl. Yes yes yes. Lovely. I love how tragic it is.

3 ) The Green Mile. When Dale died, I honestly wanted to just strangle Percy; because I know people like that exist.

4) Breakfast at Tiffany's.

5) The Breakfast Club. Just for the tough dude.

I also love Mrs. Otten. She is just so beautiful. I don't know what it is about her, but I want to be just like her. She is so nice and kind and pure-hearted. People like that are hard to come by. People are either rude, annoying, evil, stupid, high-and-mighty, obsequious. But Mrs. Otten is just a simple kind joy. Her laughs are genuine and her quirks are true. Mine are as fake as fakeboy. I want to be a pure, kind-hearted goodness! So badly. I do not want to be beautiful, really. I mean, I like clean hair and all... but to be beautiful? A waste, truly. To be funny? Eh. It gets old. But to be kind and pure and genuine... To make the world better. God, I just want that more than anything. I've been through the phases of wanting things. But that... That's really all there is here on Earth. I know it's true. It rings so true within my heart.

I fell in love again; drove to Chicago... We sold our clothes to the state; I don't mind.

I cannot wait to go to New York City with someone I love. To kiss the lamppost between 224th street and 225th! And get my three wishes. What would I wish for now? I think I'd wish for pure happiness for Joe, Susan, and Chris. That's really why I want to be a missionary. Really, that's what I want to do for a living. I'm scared of danger and death, but I think it'd be so wonderful. So, so wonderful. I can't wait to go to Italy and see Roma and Assisi and Hrvatska, too. Dobro jutro! Buona mattina! (In Italy and Croatia right now.) There is just so many wonderful things I haven't done. I am young and lively! Go me!

If anyone is reading this who is sad or anything close to sad, I want to say something:

Don't think it's the end here. So far from it. Even when you're on the deathbed, you can experience something moving. Life isn't over until it's absolutely over.

Well, that's all I know for know. I am young and I have a lot to learn, but I've learned a good bit in my time. I'm glad, and I thank God for my life everyday. I know that sounds so corny, and I almost regret saying it, but I do.