A Wishlist

I want the weather to be cold.

I want to feel rain on my skin when I run tomorrow.

I want to have a reason to shiver when someone mentions you.

I want to feel something tomorrow.

I want to be numb tomorrow, just like everyday.

I want Katie to be okay.

I want her to realize: she is like me, and that story didn't end well the first time.

I want my story to end better, speaking of that.

I want my naivety and my hope in the world to remain, after pain and irrationality have been stripped away.

I want the person I used to be to still be there.

I want to be her again.

I want to see the world through her eyes, to feel alive no matter what happened.

I want to feel alive.

I want this numbness to fade.

I want to have not ended up like this.

I want to go back in time and un-grow a few maturity years.

I want to be able to join in with people and not feel so out of place.

I want to start caring.

I want to stop caring.

I want you to please move on, although I don't. I wish I could make sense of my feelings. Perhaps pick them apart until they make sense.

I want to be able to understand this: if I abhor you, why do I pray that you will be okay?

I want to not contradict myself.

I want Jenna to be okay.

I want her to move on and not miss him.

I want her to stay with me because I feel as though she is one of my only friends.

I want to be able to express how much I'd miss her if she left.

I want her to see that I do care, really.

I want to understand life.

But more than anything, I just want the weather to be cold.

THe Absence of Thoughts

i haven't written anything substantial in forever.

ah, i feel like i'm losing my lost mind.

i feel like i've felt my whole life.

but last year was different...

it seems like the whole human race doesn't live within themselves,

but rather live externally.

they can see the world around them,

passing and passing through "thoughts" and moments.

but they don't stop to think.

they don't "take a second for reflection,

take a leave of absence."

it seems like that's the only thing i do.

i'm aware that i'm living, but am i?

it's scary, the way my mind is.

it makes me doubt everything.

and i don't know what i'm saying anymore. hm.

but i feel myself losing that bit of me everyday.

the little part that hangs onto the inside...

that puts a brake on moments, puts my life at a standstill.

and for a second i'm just alive...

i need to think more.

i miss it.

i miss being who i was...

a person who thinks too much but doesn't let anyone know.

now i'm just becoming like everyone else.

"don't think about it."

"it confuses you? just don't think about it."

but i can't NOT think about anything.

wait, let me rephrase that.

i can't stop my mind from thinking something.

i can't push a phrase or thought or idea out of my head.

it just lingers there... until it doesn't.

then it goes away.

it runs its course, i guess you could say.

but it doesn't push itself away. i don't know what does.

but if i could find out what does, i'd never think again.

maybe that'd be nice.

but, honestly, i don't want to live externally.

"indoor living," yeah. that sounds nice.

living within yourself, but with knowledge of the outside too.

a balance.

i'm sure people have had these problems, too.

i just don't know of any.

maybe we all feel this way, but never tell anyone.

so no one will ever know.

every person will go on thinking how brutally alone they are,

when really it isn't "alone," it's "quiet."

that's kind of sad...

oh well.

i wish i could find the thoughts to write forever.

i wish i could just sum myself up into an entry and let it be done with.

but since i can't do that, a lot of these will be coming up.

just a warning.

you know what's lame?

a lot of things.

the fact that people mock feelings.

they mock them and share OTHER PEOPLE'S with people they'd prefer them not to.

thank you, bastard and bitch.

you have fully succeeded in being inhumanly intelligent.

i thought that level of immatureness could only be reached by a bad-tempered 5-year-old.

you've proved me wrong.

i'm sick of how immature everyone is.

is refusing to talk to someone beacuase you simply know any chance of intelligent conversation is impossible wrong?

is that rude? is it... what is it? what is it that made you hate me?

i told you i wasn't going to turn your friends against you.

i haven't.

but they are, because of the way YOU've been acting.

when i ask them about you, they say they'd rather not be friends because you're being an idiot!

it's not my fault.

so why are you taking it out on me?

all i did was move on with my life.

isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

i'm just giving you what you want.

we don't belong in each other's lives, and i'm sure you miss me just about as much as i miss you (none.)

so why do you hate me?

why do you tell people rude stories about me that make me seem crazy?

yes, i was crazy. i'll be the first to admit.

but going around and telling people that kind of stuff is just... just so rude.

i have things i know about you that i swore i'd NEVER tell.

ever.

because that'd be the wrong thing to do.

there are also things that you've said to me that you probably don't want people knowing.

stuff you've done.

i still haven't told anyone that stuff.

because what's the point in embarrassing you?

your lack of substantial conversation is embarrassing you enough. i almost pity you.

i don't like embarrassing people.

even people i dislike.

because embarrassment is one of the worst feelings, i think.

so i wouldn't do that.

but i guess that's another thing we differ in...

i think about my actions and you don't.

i hope you have fun being the person that you are.

i also kind of hope you change... not for me or for anyone around you,

but for yourself.

and if you claim you are already who you want to be,

i genuinely hope that person is a kind, honest, and mature person who you will stay true to.

but maybe, just maybe... i've got you all wrong.