Isn't There Someone Out There I Am Keen For?

I want good love...
... I want it so bad.

My new anthem. I'd just love to be myself and be accepted, even by me. Why this constant WORRY? It's this horrible cycle in my brain that never allows me to be fully happy for more than a moment. When's the last time I was actually happy for longer than a week? [Oh yeah, ... last summer.]

Happiness... I hate that fucking word. Who cares? I just want to be respected unconditionally. I don't understand anything, in the end. In the end, I'm so confused. I feel as if someone has thrown everything I need to know into a big pile of rubbish and I must dig through it and sort it out. But I can't. Am I truly so behind everyone, or is there a peace to come later? I'm so tired of never quite feeling settled. It's driving me mad. Absolutely mad. It makes me want to cut again, to make the confusion and endless questions STOP. They never do. They run in my mind, and I'm only allowed a breath just before I break. I'm beginning to trust, absorb, deny, hate, and want everyone around me. Because I don't know them. I don't know their troubles and their issues, so they could just as well be fake. Could be dolls.

What is so warped with me? Why did I come out wrong from the personality factory? I can make friends, but it's so hard and I don't see why. I'm not an unpleasant person.

What sucks is that I desire the good. I truly do. I don't want to hurt anyone (unless they hurt me, in which case, they can go fuck themselves), I want to please people. But then I get hurt. I base my worth on others' reactions to my attempts to cheer them up. So what's the right approach?

I have plenty of good qualities. But holy FUCK, why is this so hard? I'm going mad. I really am. And there's no one I can talk to who will understand it. Possibly Ryan. Possibly Alison. This is some deep shit. ...

I'm tired of asking the same questions, answering them, and then failing somehow. Am I doomed to a life of this? If I am, tell me now and I'll end it. I find no beauty in this right now. I only see confusion, constant across the days. I need a break, and fast.

The depression (or just myself) doesn't even allow me to be proud of the good things I am doing. That's why I drink. To be happy, to just forget. The problem with drinking is that I need to be with someone, or else I'll hurt myself. I should be so proud right now. I just aced my interview that I was so worried about, I'm in college again and keeping up really well so far (one week down!!!!!)... What else is good? I have people I can call when I need help. Maybe not a lot, but a few, and there's genuine. Ryan is there for me, unconditionally. He's just a GOOD guy. Actually a good guy, unlike the last guy I thought was good. His only flaw? I don't know, maybe he's a bit silly.

I need to stop this madness before it swallows me whole. Quit it. Just be YOURSELF, and make no apologies. To anyone. Not to my parents, to my friends, to God, to myself, to my professors. Just BE YOURSELF. Talk up in class if you have something to say. Just shoot your hand up. Teachers love that. Seriously. Continue to work hard. If you end this semester with a 4.0, who can take your hard work away from you? You will grow up to be so smart, even your parents will fear you. You will grow up to be so beautiful, even young college girls will envy you. You will grow up to be so lovely, that everyone who sees your truth shine through will want to cling to you. And all in whose name? I don't know. I just want to be an instrument of love.

Spins Madly

The whole world is moving, and I am standing still.

I get it now. I get my game. Why I'm this way. It's like that song, "Alameda"... "Nobody broke your heart, you broke your own." I always feel a need to break my own heart before anybody can now. I'm so worried. I always slightly fall for any good guy I meet. It's inevitable! I feel like a lot of girls do this, though. I've pretty much pictured myself with every guy friend I've had. But then I find a way to deny it, to tell myself no. Because if I don't, I can get so lonely and sad. I've got to be hard on myself, or else I'll feel awful. The whole Gmo thing? This whole summer, since day one, has been trouble. I knew it when I first met him. I don't like him or anything, but I know if I wanted to I could go down a dumb path that I've been down so many times before with so many guys. I'm young. Why can't I be different in this sense? I can be over-the-top and I just hope people can still respect me in the morning, no matter how weird or desperate or odd I seem. That's up to them, I know, but I get so weird. And then I do things for fun but I end up hurting people. I guess I need to learn that you can't play with people... I love playing with people, but it's time to give that up. Or else, you're gonna have a hard time in life. Be straight up. I hope people can forgive me.

Wait. Let me be straight up now! Even to my own stupid blogspot I'm not honest!

I hope that Gmo and Jenna can forgive me. I probably come off as ill-intentioned and immature, and maybe I am. A lot of the times, I struggle with who I am fundamentally: what are my intentions? It's a horrible thing to struggle with, because it's like saying: am I evil or am I pure? Like that guy's tattoos. Do I want to be somebody that I'm not? I've always wanted to be that bad girl, the tough one that no one will mess this. It shows I get hyper. But I'm not her... am I? I'm shy, I'm nice, I'm quiet. Or what?

See you later... if I see you at all.

I feel like that sums it up. I need to learn to be stronger. So what if things don't end up perfect? Get over it and make it better. I feel like Gmo can teach me a lot, but he is trouble. Can't get any closer to someone like that and I know it. It doesn't matter anyhow. I just like the attention, but what I really need is the toughness. Someone to say, "Hey, you're wrong." That's why I'm best friends with Jenna. Because she's so different than me, she shows me another perspective. If I was friends with someone similar to me, I'd be going downhill fast. She's got my back, and she's such a cool person. She's cool being herself, and I hope to one day be like that. To all the people that just fan me with attention, nah. That's not where it's at. I'm sad I won't see Gmo these next 3 days, but he is just too complicated. Who knows what will happen. I don't like the feeling of liking anybody, even as a friend. It's too scary. I always like people at first, then something happens. I hate this time, because I know it's going to end. Then what?

Here's the basics of it. I don't want Gmo to think I'm a bad person for what I've done. I want to say sorry. I want to quit making these stupid mistakes and hurting people. I want to just be good. I want to be able to talk to him in the future when I need advice. I want a friend. But I want to balance, too. I don't know how to empower myself at ALL. I need to stop pulling people aside, because they will stop loving me. I need to let things go, let things be, let things happen. I feel like Gmo doesn't know when to drop a joke so much and neither do I. Who knows... we all have growing to do. I just like being involved, and maybe I am ill-intentioned, and that's why I don't always want good things. Punishment? As if I understood. Some nights I can barely stand myself. Other days, I'm OK. Tomorrow will be different and I will only have to endure a small portion of the day before I can talk to Jenna about it. Then this week will fly by, and then it'll be Friday or Saturday and I can tell him. I am a bad person sometimes... I love attention, and I need to learn to be more humble. I gotta be me, not some tough version of who I wish I was. Nor some sweet, innocent version of who I think I'm supposed to be. It's so hard, I'm finding, when we are raised with so much input. Do this, do that, be this, be that. But what do I think? Or do I even HAVE an opinion anymore? Who knows... It's 1 a.m. and I always have unanswered questions and unsaid things I need to say. I guess it's my punishment for being foolish and not seeing other people as having feelings. That's the thing I hate sometimes: I need to experiment and find out what's wrong, and sometimes people get hurt along the way. I am so dumb... It's okay, though. It's not really a big deal... I can let it go, because a week from now things will be really different. And like Noah and the Whale says in the iconic "First Days of Spring"... "I know in a year, it's gonna be better." Just you wait. Things do change.

You Can't Run, You Can't Hide

Siento que hay en mi algo esta cambiando.

This is that time when the evil in you can stop you from doing good. In all situations, I look at everything. At least, I try and try not to. I feel like this is the first time I'm actually so confused and saddened that I need to tell somebody. I don't know what to do. I hate this. I hate that it's going on ALL around me and I can't run from it or hide from it, but I don't know how to fight it yet. Or if I can. How am I going to do this? The problem is that it isn't my life. It's different ones. And I have so much doubt that I'm vying for attention or pretending, that it could stop me from doing what needs to be done. It weighs on me. I can't stand it. Why was I brought up with dollies and good things, and these girls lack? I wish I could hold on forever, because when I leave I won't know where they go. I guess after a while you learn to not get attached. But right now, I am. How can I let something bad happen to little girls who did nothing wrong? I know what I have to do, but it makes me just think about me. Who am I to do this? Who am I at all? Am I a good person, and what are my motives? I hate this. I really do. I never know what to say or how to put others in front of me.

I'm losing focus everyday. What am I doing at all?

It's been almost a month since I've cut. I've wanted to very badly at times.

It's been a year since I moved away to Notre Dame. How things have changed. It's better now because I see a better end, but there's so much to do! Real life. I have grown up a lot in these past 12 months. Learning to get my own shit together, meet deadlines, go out and do what must be done.

It's changing me. I used to be this girl that would blast Ben Folds CDs on beautifully warm spring nights, windows open, reading Shakespeare. I miss those nights. I miss everything feeling so far away from me, like I couldn't be touched by reality. I miss swinging in those chairs at Wesleyan nursing home with Gaby and Sarah. Hell, I miss the night Sarah was born, June 19, 2007, when the moon was a smile and I knew it was a sign. I miss thinking things were more important and frightening than they are. Now, I know things. Not enough, but I'm in between. I'm trying so hard these days, just to not try hard at all. What awfulness.

And now I need to think REALLY about other people. I mean REALLY. That's when I start to think I'm evil. Am I? Please tell me I'm not. I'm not... I am good, right? I don't want to be evil. Please.