I Kept It From You

Pitseleh.

Elliott, why are you so sad? Why are all of your songs so sad? Tonight on the phone you told me about some happy things, like how sometimes you can see the right person at the right time, and it just makes everything okay. I honestly think I have two hearts: selfish and loving. In selfish, I want that person to always be me who comforts you. In loving, I just want it to be anybody, anybody at all who is right for you. You may fall for someone this year. Tomorrow you may call me and say you met someone. And honestly, it would hurt a lot for a certain amount of time. I don't like to think of that. But it could happen. And if it did, I would just want you to be happy. I want both of us to be happy, but in the final, right way. We're both meant to be with somebody, and if it's different people or if it's each other--well, that's not quite up to us. I don't know yet how these things work, but I believe there's something divine in it. How can anyone who's ever been in love deny that there's a God? I know him most because I want to be good for you, for my family, for myself. We aren't best friends. I don't think (and I hope you aren't) you kid yourself that we are. How could we be? We are far from each other, and although I can tell you anything (in that good way that doesn't happen all at once. I like this better) and you tell me a lot, and we laugh and I feel comfortable... we still are not best friends. I don't feel we are. I feel that we are friends, for sure, but it's weird to say: I feel like we're companions. Like we both are traveling together. I'm not writing that to be "romantic" or whatever. I think a lot of being a girl is wanting those silly little fantasies and tricks. But that's all just perfume and roses. I don't want that. I mean, it'd be nice and all, but there's something so much deeper than that.
I just know that you're real. You're far away. But honestly, you are the best of all the good things I've seen so far. You're one of the only people I know who just wants to be good. Even me... Sometimes I don't want to be good. It's really hard. I can tell you work hard at it, even though it's not too difficult for you. You're a rarity. That's why I'm willing to work hard now. Before, I wasn't. Everyday I feel a sense of peace, crazy, happy, sad, and difficulty. But it's okay, really, it's lovely. I trust what you say. Or at least I'm trying hard to. Trust... So hard. Jealousy... Harder. I just need to take it day... by... day... I'm proud it's been over 2 weeks since I've seen you! We're patching these days together, aren't we? Soon it'll fly by into a month, then 2 months, then I get to see you, and that's the first part. Part 1 of 16! We're pretty nifty for trying this shit. (And by shit, I mean-)