What happened dear?

this is my blog where I open up.

no. one's. here. wow. i found a random email address on pete's old blog, and emailed it out of curiosity...and it bounced back... wow. i don't know, that just made me sad. it's gone... all the emails that have been passed through there, are gone. no one will read them again, no one will recieve them again, and it's gone. i need to get it out of my head, but it's never gonna happen. sorry, bianca, leave a message, but it won't be answered.

I'm not bitter. I'm not, really. I'm just saying what I'm thinking, which is on the edge of bitterness and scattered thoughts that are completely unconnected to each other (unless, of course, you're me).

So, what now?
Why don't I write a poem. or something resembling one. *sigh* it's always harder when I think, and all the good lines, I would never share.

i say what I'm not thinking
and I do what i dont please
it seems like i can never think
i need you to ruin myself.
don't let me get away, with being this way
i know that you can't stand it,
so help me turn away...
help me bury my dead ashes
but how am i here?
how can i be sure of anything that's not spat from lips lying to get off?
when nothing's absolute,
when nothing has purpose
why am i alive?

wow. i think the only thing that could be more stupid than that is if i would have spoken those words directly to you.

Self-Reflection

So, I was bored, and was reading through my old journal entries, and I really liked this one. It's when the realization that 2007 is gone finally sunk in. OK, here it is, word for word! :) (and it may offend some people, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fudge my words).

"10:22 pm, January 6, 2007 (//edit: yeah, I wrote 2007 instead of 2008. ha.)
Begin to breathe, move.
Words from the diary of an unheard soul are usually the best. God, I saw today's date and thought "wtf?!".
I'm sick of a lot of shit right now. I was reading some of Pete's old entries, and I wanted to cry. Those were good times, back then. For him, not me. I miss him. i barely know him, and I love him. Fall Out Boy, I think, has the coolest fanbase. We're so dedicated. I'm glad to be a part of it.
What began as a fluke, ended up being destiny
Look in my eyes, I take you there with me.
It rhymes?!?
Teenie. (//edit: LOL!)
Haha Pete mentioned ZEZEtheX in his old blog. And he said someone gave a shoutout to the FOBr boardies. o.0
Twinnies have so much going against us. The majority of the FOBr site hates us. And you know what? I like it. Fuck the boards. If they can't be nice, we won't listen.
I want a blog like Pete, where people listen and twist my words around. Yup.
What else can I say? As long as I have you, I'm good."

//little interpretation/comment goes here//

hey, this isn't good

OK, last night, i realized something. Well, I've already known this for the longest time, but STILL.
So, I was in a full-on pig-out mood last night, eating all these sweets. Which sounds good at first, but then I went to bed at around 11:50. Then, 10 minutes later, my stomach felt sooo bad. So, I went downstairs to get a Pepto Bismul (ugh nasty) and went back upstairs. But, I felt like I was gonna throw up, so I got SO DAMN NERVOUS. And I realized, there's something wrong here. Seriously, I was shaking so violently, my teeth were chattering, and I could barely breathe. I hate it. I frikking HATE that I have a phobia of throwing up. Because, it's a natural part of life, but that's seriously my worst nightmare. Ugh... So, this morning, I was so scared my stomach was gonna hurt again, that I didn't eat. Then I was sooo hungry, so I ate the safest thing possible, bran cereal. I hate bran cereal!! And so, I had like a quater of a bowl, so I'm still hungry.
Meh, I'm done with my phobia rant. I have to stop letting it control me.

ps-- nikki (suddenly seymour) of you're reading this, I was trying to look at your blog, but it said "only invited readers can read this" so... can you invite me? *smile smile* k thanks :)

lol, so we do have a viewer? raise thou hand, por favor!

hey! megtwin? woah... i didn't know you read this... :) then, that makes you like the only person who reads this!!! haha.
anyways, onto the blog type business.
what's up with me? well, im not sure. as everyone (ha, well no one) knows, messy rooms that i reside in make my mind unbearably murky. my room is a complete mess!! seriously, things on the floor: blankets, socks, clothes, guitars (no joke lol), magazines, books, pictures, combs, my glasses, and makeup. haha i dropped all my makeup on the floor and was like "meh, i don't wanna pick it up". and also, my bed isn't even made... i just sleep on the matress with a random blanket and pillow. haha! so, my mind is currently in a state of flux (that's a really bad thing). i'll clean it eventually.
and my research project.
yipee? no, it sucks. I'm so used to having NO HOMEWORK, now that i have the least bit, I'm all stressed... damn, high school is gonna be tought on me.
well, then.
i'll type a poem, eventually.
so, what's up with you?
-biancake

Miser(l)y, Wasted

hello from heartbreak.
no one reads this, right? no? OK.
I have a day off of school today, and instead of using it productively, I shall waste it :)
Pete got a new blogspot. That makes 2! I love that guy.
So... I have this petition about how Panic! is taking the ! out of their name, if you want to sign it just ask.
Echo.
echo.
Echo.
echo.
*knock but no one's here*