long time, dear.

ah, yes.
it's been so long since i've posted anything and i feel i need to.

i've changed so much since may.
i've lost friends, but i've made more.
so maybe the balance of losing and gaining is in check, or maybe i shouldn't have lost anything.
i feel like love is a fleeting feeling i will never catch.

but it's all i need.

It Was Better When I Was Denying This

okay so this is going to make no sense to you.

i saw what she had said. about how she missed us. about how we got her through her darkest times, and we were the reason she was still living. i can relate, i really can, but it's sad to see that i'm credited where i shouldn't be. i remember, i would blow her off because she wasn't my friend. i would avoid her because i didn't want to talk to her. and when i did, talk to her, i'd want to be somewhere else.

such a good "friend", right?

lately things have been either great or horrible with my friends. i either feel great to be around them, sad that they're moving on, or guilty that i don't care.

and some people are right sometimes.

now, my love. we must part...

these last few days have been so weird for me.
i had the worst nightmares last night, but i'm afriad they might not be nightmares... they were so real, i could feel them and hear them, even when i was awake.

also, i've learned it's against my nature to avoid people. once they enter my life, i can't let them go. they have to leave themselves, but still it hurts. i guess i'm just too loving a person.

happy valentines day

hey.
how was your valentine's day?

anyways, i love you all :] hope you have someone to love today and someone to love you too.

haha this is what you get when you leave me alone for a day.

here: i've been bored out of my mind so i made up a lil' poem... or something like that.
this one goes out to you-know-who
p.s. this is probably going to bore you to death so don't read it... really, it's boring

i (don't) hate you
by me


i could never hate you
but there are so many things about you i could.
i hate...
i hate the way you brought me into this mess, and the way i didn't know
i hate it how it started and hate it now
i hate how you can look me in the eyes and say "sorry", when you don't mean it. It's like i mean nothing to you.
i hate how you include me to the point of exclusion
i hate how i am barely making sense, because i've been over this too many times in my head.
i hate that you try to care, and succeed.
i hate the way you slam the door, and it sounds so childish when i say it.
i hate that you make me cry.
but i hate it more that you make me laugh.
i hate the you made me stop caring and become numb.
i hate that you made me hate myself and everything around me without even trying.
i hate that i can't talk to you anymore without you insulting me
i hate the way you spend more time with him like he's better than me
i hate him, not you.
i hate that i don't love you anymore. i used to, but after what you've done, i don't think you need love, what you need is a reality check.
i hate the way you don't know anything about me, yet try to dictate my life.
i hate remembering the person you were, and he's never coming coming back.
i hate that you can't keep a promise. even bad ones. remember when you said "i promise, i swear to god, this is the last time you'll ever see me"? i remember, and yet i still see you.
i hate that you can't get your act together long enough to apoligize to your parents, because one of them doesn't even love you anymore.
i hate that you chose this, and don't seem to regret it.
i hate that i even have to think these things, when i could be writing about something much better.
i hate that even thought i don't care anymore, i still see you everyday.
i hate that you won't leave. you think we all need you, but you're wrong. you need us.
i hate that you'll never get your teenage years back. you'll look back and wish you could relive your life, but by then you'll be dead.
i hate that you make people worry.
i hate that you weren't there for me when i needed you. you were away in some other rehab that you'll blame your parents for.
i hate that you've given so much shame to this family, there's no leeway for me.
i hate that i have to be the "perfect child" because you're the screw-up son they never wanted.
i hate that you'll never read this. you'll never wake up and see who you are, you'll just keep living from each arguement to the next.
but most of all, i hate that i could never hate you, but i will never love you again. i'm caught somewhere inbetween, and i'm not sure of where i stand. i'll never find out how i feel about you, or if i even feel for you at all.
you'll always just be there, and i'll be far away, here. we'll never truly be the same again...
you said that i've changed, but you've changed even more, for the worse.
i hate all of the above so much you wouldn't know...
but i don't hate you. and i never will.

What happened dear?

this is my blog where I open up.

no. one's. here. wow. i found a random email address on pete's old blog, and emailed it out of curiosity...and it bounced back... wow. i don't know, that just made me sad. it's gone... all the emails that have been passed through there, are gone. no one will read them again, no one will recieve them again, and it's gone. i need to get it out of my head, but it's never gonna happen. sorry, bianca, leave a message, but it won't be answered.

I'm not bitter. I'm not, really. I'm just saying what I'm thinking, which is on the edge of bitterness and scattered thoughts that are completely unconnected to each other (unless, of course, you're me).

So, what now?
Why don't I write a poem. or something resembling one. *sigh* it's always harder when I think, and all the good lines, I would never share.

i say what I'm not thinking
and I do what i dont please
it seems like i can never think
i need you to ruin myself.
don't let me get away, with being this way
i know that you can't stand it,
so help me turn away...
help me bury my dead ashes
but how am i here?
how can i be sure of anything that's not spat from lips lying to get off?
when nothing's absolute,
when nothing has purpose
why am i alive?

wow. i think the only thing that could be more stupid than that is if i would have spoken those words directly to you.

Self-Reflection

So, I was bored, and was reading through my old journal entries, and I really liked this one. It's when the realization that 2007 is gone finally sunk in. OK, here it is, word for word! :) (and it may offend some people, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fudge my words).

"10:22 pm, January 6, 2007 (//edit: yeah, I wrote 2007 instead of 2008. ha.)
Begin to breathe, move.
Words from the diary of an unheard soul are usually the best. God, I saw today's date and thought "wtf?!".
I'm sick of a lot of shit right now. I was reading some of Pete's old entries, and I wanted to cry. Those were good times, back then. For him, not me. I miss him. i barely know him, and I love him. Fall Out Boy, I think, has the coolest fanbase. We're so dedicated. I'm glad to be a part of it.
What began as a fluke, ended up being destiny
Look in my eyes, I take you there with me.
It rhymes?!?
Teenie. (//edit: LOL!)
Haha Pete mentioned ZEZEtheX in his old blog. And he said someone gave a shoutout to the FOBr boardies. o.0
Twinnies have so much going against us. The majority of the FOBr site hates us. And you know what? I like it. Fuck the boards. If they can't be nice, we won't listen.
I want a blog like Pete, where people listen and twist my words around. Yup.
What else can I say? As long as I have you, I'm good."

//little interpretation/comment goes here//

hey, this isn't good

OK, last night, i realized something. Well, I've already known this for the longest time, but STILL.
So, I was in a full-on pig-out mood last night, eating all these sweets. Which sounds good at first, but then I went to bed at around 11:50. Then, 10 minutes later, my stomach felt sooo bad. So, I went downstairs to get a Pepto Bismul (ugh nasty) and went back upstairs. But, I felt like I was gonna throw up, so I got SO DAMN NERVOUS. And I realized, there's something wrong here. Seriously, I was shaking so violently, my teeth were chattering, and I could barely breathe. I hate it. I frikking HATE that I have a phobia of throwing up. Because, it's a natural part of life, but that's seriously my worst nightmare. Ugh... So, this morning, I was so scared my stomach was gonna hurt again, that I didn't eat. Then I was sooo hungry, so I ate the safest thing possible, bran cereal. I hate bran cereal!! And so, I had like a quater of a bowl, so I'm still hungry.
Meh, I'm done with my phobia rant. I have to stop letting it control me.

ps-- nikki (suddenly seymour) of you're reading this, I was trying to look at your blog, but it said "only invited readers can read this" so... can you invite me? *smile smile* k thanks :)

lol, so we do have a viewer? raise thou hand, por favor!

hey! megtwin? woah... i didn't know you read this... :) then, that makes you like the only person who reads this!!! haha.
anyways, onto the blog type business.
what's up with me? well, im not sure. as everyone (ha, well no one) knows, messy rooms that i reside in make my mind unbearably murky. my room is a complete mess!! seriously, things on the floor: blankets, socks, clothes, guitars (no joke lol), magazines, books, pictures, combs, my glasses, and makeup. haha i dropped all my makeup on the floor and was like "meh, i don't wanna pick it up". and also, my bed isn't even made... i just sleep on the matress with a random blanket and pillow. haha! so, my mind is currently in a state of flux (that's a really bad thing). i'll clean it eventually.
and my research project.
yipee? no, it sucks. I'm so used to having NO HOMEWORK, now that i have the least bit, I'm all stressed... damn, high school is gonna be tought on me.
well, then.
i'll type a poem, eventually.
so, what's up with you?
-biancake

Miser(l)y, Wasted

hello from heartbreak.
no one reads this, right? no? OK.
I have a day off of school today, and instead of using it productively, I shall waste it :)
Pete got a new blogspot. That makes 2! I love that guy.
So... I have this petition about how Panic! is taking the ! out of their name, if you want to sign it just ask.
Echo.
echo.
Echo.
echo.
*knock but no one's here*