Sexy

Oslo in the summertime.

I literally have no clue how to be sexy! I get all nervous and tense thinking about it. Argh. I guess I could wear a thong or I dunno. I suck at this. ARGH. Okay, nice underwear. That's important. Confidence. But like what do you say to be sexy? Like, "Hey there..." AH I DON'T KNOW!! I'M A PATHETIC VIRGIN!!! Okay. Okay. Remember, girlie, you are gorgeous and funny and smart and nice. You can rock those curves. Rock 'em. You're attractive. Yeah. Just make sure you have a full stomach and aren't too tired. Just be slow. Like seriously, I'm able to see all these things in my head and I'm like "Yeah damn, I'm a sexy bitch" but then in real life I freeze up and I'm like "OH MY GOD." Okay. Just breathe. You'll be okay. Stop being dorky. Oh my land I cannot do this. Okay, so I was dorky today. That's okay. It's okay. Later, just build it up. Don't be scared. He isn't scared to make some little itty bitty moves. Also, he's very sexy. SOMEBODY HELP ME! Why isn't there like a sex fairy that comes down and makes you good at being seductive? I hope Audrey is working on Friday or Saturday morning because I feel like she could give me good sex advice. She's gorgeous and confident and can be very sexy. Okay, yes. Keep calm and talk to Audrey. What is today, Wednesday? Yeah. So just make it through 2 more days of classes. Then on Friday, you'll have some answers. You can do it. Just breathe. You can do it. You can do it.

Pitseleh

Everything I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful.

Pitseleh,

Never be like me. I am obsessed with the idea of being good. So obsessed that I forget to be good. I want so badly to be this person that changes things, the things I see but don't like. But at the same time, I've lived my ENTIRE life in fear of rejection. That's how I live and it is horrible. I expect everyone to walk out on me at any given moment. Even with their word, it's always nagging in the back of my mind, that they're gonna abandon me if I do a certain thing wrong. I think to myself, "Be careful. This will be the last straw, and then they'll be gone. You can't mess this up." Can I tell you that this is literally the worst feeling to have, long term, in the whole world? It's a gripping fear that ruins every relationship you have. It especially sucks with closer relationships. Like in my relationship with Zach, I *always* thought he was going to leave me. I loved him a lot, but I was always afraid. With Guillermo, he would make me worried, saying stuff like, "I don't know if we can be friends," like every day. It was stupid, and manipulative. It's pretty disgusting. If anyone treats you like that, drop them. You are worth so much more than someone who keep saying they don't really wanna be your friend. Real friends will be there for you and won't hold the friendship over your head like some prize you have to win. Real friends will share in good moments with you; it's about give and take. I'm probably not the best person to ask, though. So far, I haven't really had that many friends. I dunno. I'm getting down on myself today, little one, because I work too much. I work 25 hours a week, usually terrible hours like waking up at 4 am, going to bed super late because my sleep is fucked up, and by the end of the weekend I feel like a zombie. I love work because (some of) my coworkers are amazing people, but it is constant movement, constant work, constant interaction, constant stress. It's like 25 hours of midterms crammed together. Then come Monday, surprise surprise, I did none of my weekend homework. I sleep in late on Monday and miss my biology discussion, or I drive into UT and miss it, or something. Mondays I'm dead. Tuesdays, I start freaking out about all the stuff I need to get done and didn't. Tuesdays suck for that reason. Also, I get lonely on Tuesdays and I don't know why really. I like my classes, I just get really lonely at night and feel like going home. Sometimes I do. :-) Why not? Maybe I can make Tuesdays my "explore Austin" days. I don't know. Pitseleh, I don't regret my choices but right now is a bit of a dull time. I have a few friends: Katie (who I sosososo want to visit!), Ryan, Taylor, Dulce (my roommate...?), Siri?, my coworkers?, Cella, Zack, RJ, don't really really know who else. My dogs? Heh. Whatever. I'm just trying my best, working my ass off, trying to keep up with classes, seeing friends. I just don't know. I get lonely here because I don't really know anyone. I don't have a group of friends. I did once, at Notre Dame, and I didn't like it. Maybe I'm just not a "group" kinda person. I'm more like a 2-3 people person, or whatever. I'm an introvert! But anyways, today was tough, I was hating on myself because I put off so much stuff. I fell asleep last night at 9:30 pm while studying for Bio and woke up at 9 am, almost late for Statistics. I hadn't been to class in like 2 weeks so I was so lost. Then my bio test went *okay* but I was frustrated because I enjoy that class and feel like I could have done so much better. Like, I'm finally realizing that I really am smart. In high school, I thought I was stupid but I worked REALLY hard and got good grades. Now, I'm realizing that I actually am pretty smart, but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. It's frustrating because I love learning, I just hate studying. I've changed so much. But I'm still finding my way, Pitseleh. Can I call you Sel, Seleh, Leh? I like Leh. Yes, I'm finding my way. Growing up is extremely painful. You'll go through some shitty year where you feel like you'll never really smile or laugh or have fun again. I rarely laugh, but when I actually really laugh a true laugh, it feels so beautiful, like love. It makes me appreciate it. I feel like I get good graces in small ways, and I appreciate them. I love my friends dearly, the ones who have seen me through hard times and crying. I love my coworkers. I love my family, although some of them can annoy me and honestly I don't like my brother. With all these things in my life, it's hard to focus sometimes. I've got all these people, and then classwork to do, then I have to go to work on time or Katie will behead me. And that's my life right now, love. It will and has changed over time. Don't get stuck in a time, there's more to be learned. I just was so upset today about how I really don't have anyone here, and I walk around all alone all the time, and how I just want to pour out love to every little human I see on Speedway or whatever. How I wish I could read all the papers, know everything, be intelligent, be graceful, be assertive enough to actually lose my virginity. I was raised meek. I will not raise you to be meek. You will have a voice, and you will know when to use it. My parents didn't do a bad job with me, I just wish some things were different. I have a weird relationship with my parents. I see my dad as a cool guy to talk to and whatnot, well intentioned, and my mom is a good person who can say horribly mean things (like calling me a slut, stupid, stuff like that) but I think they did try their best. It probably wasn't easy to raise me partially after Chris. Things will fuck you over, Pitseleh. Things that come before you and are out of your control. The past can be your present at times. Please realize these little things. It may not do anything for you in the short term, but in the long run, you will be powerful. I'm trying more and more to be powerful. It's really hard. I love you, did you know that? I won't tell you all the time, but I will tell you. I love you now, even as you don't exist, you are somewhere in the future. I love you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do until you're here. I feel like I can't go through life alone. I need you, and I need people who love me. They're here, but I'm blind sometimes. I always want the past, or a better future, but it's the hardest pill to swallow, saying where I am is good. What is wrong with me? I think I will never be satisfied, but it feels like dying to admit that this is good enough. It truly feels like a part of my heart withering away. It's always an internal battle: do I be good? Bad? I want to be good but I want to do bad things. It seems like I can never do what I want, I'm just not like that. It makes me honestly hate myself sometimes. I start to hate myself. A lot. Self-hate is ugly, and now it's stuck on my arms. My dad said I could get plastic surgery, but I dunno. I like my scars. I just wished other people did, too. I can't really show them to anyone but Ryan. I feel comfortable with my jacket off. I feel okay, like someone's friend, like a human. I feel like a freak covering myself up all the time. I'm so mad tonight, Pitseleh. I'm so, so, mad and it's beautiful. I don't know what to do with this emotion. I feel like it has a purpose. I will call Ryan later. I love you terribly, and you will get through everything just fine.

Yesterday I bought a lighter from a cashier at CVS and he said I'm going to start saying I'm old when I turn 21. I said I already feel old at 19. Then he told me that  I'm still so young, and life is gonna be so good to me. Those words were blessed, and I'm an atheist.

OKAY

Okay I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna tell him. We have to talk about this because literally I'm dying so either he can like help me out or give me some suggestions because IM DYING. This is torture! Argh... I'm tired of waiting. !!!!!!

Sin Palabras, Es Mejor Asi

No se ve, pero siento que...

I need affection. I'm finding that just as not only a human but as Bianca, me, I need certain things. Food, sleep, water. Shelter, love. Things I've had. Experience. Now, sex. Affection. Good conversation. Relaxation. Sometimes I do get very annoyed at myself, especially when I start to stand up for myself. It's like I've been primed to be a sweet nothing wisp, then when I break out of that, I feel horrible. So odd to feel horrible for that. It'd be nice to not feel like that, to not feel like people are staring at you or thinking of you in a certain way. It'd be nice to see the world for what it is. I don't need to conform to any one certain group. I like what I like, so I should be who I am. That takes strength. Because naturally, we want others to like us. I do want people to like me. But I'm realizing that self-respect is more important. I can't let people walk all over me or be rude in what they say. I'm very loyal to a person once I've seen their goodness, but I've learned a bit of how to be good to me, too. 

Things I wish:

I wish I really had a best friend.

I wish I could have sex. Like now. ARGH I AM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO HAVE SEX NOT WORTH THE WAIT AT ALL ARGH I WILL HURT SOMEONE but I'm so shy!! AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I HATE BEING HUMAN AND HAVING HORMONES. I'M LIKE A FUCKING 13 YEAR OLD BOY!!

Fields of Gold

We'll forget the sun and its jealous sky.

I remember how at Notre Dame I would listen to that song and think about Zach and our house and how much I loved him. I really loved him so much. I was crazy for that kid. And I do miss our house. I want so badly to go back there with him. It'd be fun to film us playing some songs there. This song actually makes my heart hurt a lot, just remembering those days. Today in class a lovely lady named Sylvia Donley played some songs. I told her my name and that I was a musician and she told me to come to an event and bring my guitar; it's later in April. She was very nice. She was divorced, but I don't know why. She's really pretty and funny. But then again, it is 2014.

I was thinking about you tonight, Ryan. I feel a nice feeling towards you, something like tenderness and humanity. I remember how you make me teas and sandwiches and you'd take care of me. I feel safe around you. I feel like the world can't hurt me. You made me take my hands away from my face, you tell me not to be embarrassed. You're kind. I feel okay in your arms, and I like feeling your warmth. I like your heart, feeling it beat. I like your breath, too. I like a lot about you, that sometimes I wanna cry. I'll always remember you. I hope if I die, someone will find these words so you can know how much I loved you. I tried to tell you in that letter, but it just goes beyond that. I will remember you as a beautiful person. The first friend to really show me kindness. You say you're glad we're still friends, and I am, too. I like to talk with you. Give and take. We are good to each other in a world that can be mean. You told me once to shut up, I told you many times I hated you. But then we hug each other goodbye and I speed off in my car, ride down 620, smoke a cigarette, and all those people don't matter. The people who hurt me, who ignore me, who call me bad things. They can't hurt me. My god how I wish all good things for you. I want so much for you to be happy. I wish I knew all the words to make you happy. I wish I knew how to make you never sad or guilty or dislike yourself. If I could make you see your loveliness, I don't think you'd be sad again. I miss some things about you, but please stay with me. Infatuation never lasts. Friendship might. I hope to see you soon.

Sex

And I love making you jealous but don't judge me.

Growing up in Catholic school, I was taught sex was this big sacred amazing thing you could never do unless you were married. No one taught me about it growing up. I learned about it from movies, books, porn, and friends. I didn't know that much about it until I was probably around 17 or 18. It's weird, sex. I remember the first time I learned masturbating was a "sin." I think I was 12, so I must have been in 7th grade. It was in my religion class, and we were learning about sexual morality, blah blah, and we were taking turns reading the book out loud in class. Of course I got picked to read the paragraph about masturbation and I was so embarrassed just because I was 12. I remember crying after I read that, because I didn't know doing that to yourself was so bad and that now I had to go to confession and say I did that. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. But I knew I was guilty now, dirty. For years I felt so ashamed and disgusting. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't have any sources telling me otherwise because all my friends were Catholic, my family was Catholic, I went to Mass every Sunday, and they would all say the same things. It was a world I was immersed in. I was too embarrassed to say to a priest, "Forgive me Father, for I masturbated." I mean, seriously? You think a 12 year old is going to have enough guts to say that? ... No. So I couldn't say it for many, many years. Then, when I was 19, I changed my outlook. I fooled around a very tiny bit with an older man (although the term "man" is being applied generously here; he is quite immature), and my friend was shocked. She said my morals were flying out the windows, to which I laughed. Having sex with your boyfriend isn't evil. Masturbation isn't sinful. You what is bad though? Feeling like shit for 7 years because the little world around you has convinced you that there's one right way to be, and you are not it. That, my friends, is a sin. Needless to say I am just starting to terms with my sexuality and its beauty. I'm a virgin, which is fine. I would like to be not-a-virgin, but I'm not hopping into rando's beds. I want my first time to be quite lovely. But I'm not as scared or ashamed as I once was. 

And then there's you. I think about loving you sometimes. It's nice in my head. I know what you like already, I know what works, so I'd do that and more. I'd go beyond what I couldn't in the past. Like many R&B songs say, I think of many nasty things to do to you. Haha. Well, they're not really nasty like gross or anything weird like that. I just think about how it would feel to be touching the nice skin on your back, kiss your shoulders (I like your shoulders), bite you, kiss you anywhere, make you very nervous and excited and animal. I've had those thoughts for months, so I wonder if it'll ever happen. I don't know. I think about you carrying me, tossing me onto your bed like a little doll, then taking control. I'd like that. I've never had thoughts quite like this before. They can get lonesome because I don't know if you think this way, too. You told me you didn't, but sometimes I see you glancing down at my body when I wear cute dresses. Maybe you do, but I don't think so. If there was a way to know we could keep our friendship and I could lose my virginity, I'd do that in a heartbeat. Seriously, like now. But our friendship means too much to lose it without that guarantee. It scares me, not the sex or being close to you or if it would hurt, but only if it would make you not be my friend. 

Coport Antiport

Staying out til tomorrow, dancing on tables, no cares, no sorrows.

I hate my car being messy, or my dorm room, or my life. I have citations I need to pay. Lost my driver's liscence. Still need to pay rent. Need to fill out so many scholarships and other stuff. If I don't go and travel the world a bit in my life, I will have failed. I want to do that. I feel like there's just so much that I should never be bored! I'm not bored now, just very sleepy. I love my coworkers Erik and Julia so much for their kindness. Erik is just a good person, he's honest, he's genuine. I know saying "Oh they're a good person" sound kinda bland, but when I say that it has a HUGE meaning. I don't really think many people are good people. I think Ryan is a very good person who is hard on himself. Taylor's a sweet person. Erik is good. Julia is just boughts and boughts of friendliness! I do remember a lot of my first impressions of people at Starbucks, who seemed nice and who didn't. I remember Tim was the nicest when I first got there. Tim's awesome. Most of my coworkers are very awesome people, but I notice when some people really put an effort through to be just good.

Superbowl XLVIII

When you feel embarrassed, I'll be your pride.
When you need direction, I'll be the guide.
For all time.

I love you in the ways you are like me and different from me. When I'm with you, sometimes you annoy me with your electronic cigarette and your egoism and your constant craving to be right. Sometimes you'll have me on a last string and maybe I'll say something dumb or maybe I'll smile through it because you're one of the only people I want to treat with gentleness. But it shouldn't matter, right? We are friends, we know that. We gotta look out for each other, help each other, comfort each other, and accept each other. We gotta make life better. I think we do. I used to go over to your house and sleep in your bed and I'd hide my face from you at night, then in the morning I'd smile when I saw you sleeping. Now here I sit remembering how you showed me the opening line of Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk when we stood outside my car, and I said I didn't back away from my mother's blood and you shrugged saying, "Yeah well I just like that line." That's what I'd do, now that I've met you. A year ago I would have thought I was wrong. I still think I'm inherently wrong sometimes, and that limits life like you wouldn't believe. But you (and others!) accepted me as I was, a confused, depressed, awkward, nearly atheistic, lazy, beautiful, poetic little girl, and you didn't tell me to go to church or that I had sinned.

Here's what I liked about the Superbowl: nobody came to Starbucks. Cool people came to Starbucks. Some British guy asked if we had flapjacks. Courtney closed for the first time. Courtney, Kelly, and I talked about Keegles. The headset. Jimmy John's and the attractive delivery guy and how Courtney was on the phone with him for like 30 minutes. Pickles. How that guy told me I was the only one working and I didn't agree. How 3 people came through the drive thru at or after 9:55pm. All the food all the food all the food. Zebra mochas for little girls, iced not hot. A Deaf lady came through! Sign! How we closed pretty much on time, and I figured out how to clean the Mastreno. I hit Courtney in the face. Hugged Morgan goodbye. I'll never understand Becca.

The monster is the mirror. I want so bad to wear short sleeves again.

Keep telling myself every every every second:

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Walk through this world, accept the changes, hold fast to what you know is right, be open to discovering more goodness and maturity, treat every little living being with killing kindness.

Don't Dream

They come to build a wall between us.

Sitting here with purplish red hairdye in. I work tomorrow, 4:45-10pm. Being an adult is frustrating. All I really wanna do is hot guys and LSD. I'm hitting that rock bottom, boredom. Something's gonna happen. I was expecting everything to change, and it didn't. I'm so silly to ever believe these things. Of course life is silly and always wants to surprise you. I remember all those nights I spent with Robin, wishing I could drink something, not wanting to watch a movie. I really did think she was my friend soulmate, but I didn't even know who I was. I changed. I'm still changing, always, everyday. Maybe that's why I have a high friend turnover rate. I just outgrow people, and they outgrow me. That's fine, I just wish I had a constant best friend. I make do with my temporary ones, even people I've known for years, but I don't know.

If I'm Haunting You, You Must Be Haunting Me

Onto you onto you.

last day of January: early morning shift, tattoo, Gordough's, cigarettes, Ikea, home, shower, Chipotle, sleep.