It's insane to look back on my life and see how much I've changed. It makes me melancholy that I have allowed life to push me these ways. I was not strong when life tested me, and now I am a lump of coal when I could have been so much better. I let you tear me down and hurt me, and I sat back and took it, thinking it made me better. But I wasn't ready for it. Now what do I do? I'm stuck in this place; a limbo. I guess I'm just a little tired of attempts. I lack commitment and insight. But the more I think about it, the deeper I go into those feelings, the sadder I end up in the end. That's why I guess I push it off and ignore. Not good either.
So I guess (as I've told myself millions of times before...) that it is time to take action. Dear lovely world, here is concrete proof I am trying:
1) The play. Even if I choke onstage and fail, I tried. That's enough for me.
2) Talking to Mercutio. It makes me sad a lot. I don't know what to say to people any more.
3) Talking to you. I am scared. I think you are trying to be better, and so am I. I hope you will take me in and listen. I should not be depending on that, but I am, love, please take the time. You were once lovely, not perfect, lovely but so much better. Now you are somebody that I used to know. This new person--I do not know her.
4) Being a better friend. My poor Jenna, I have mistreated the only person who actually stood by me in a horrible time. She calls me loyal, but she is an easier friend to have than me. She is loyal. And how horribly I mistreat those I love! I guess I don't know what to say a lot. I'm quiet and shy and words escape me.
So there it is. I am excited, but I remind myself to keep calm with this. Sometimes I feel tired and hurt and bored and just done with it all; but I can't give up hope. Not at this age, not in this town and in this life. It is hard, and I don't know why it is. You would take a look at me and see building blocks for happiness; I do too... But it's confusing. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh, be glad I am out of these times. But I know that not everyday will be like this. I know it. It can't be. It just cannot. There would be nobody.
I can say so much more. The things, the glue in my life that keep me going:
1) God. Prayer. Devotion to something beautiful and lovely and perfect.
2) Hope for a better tomorrow.
3) My parents and their love for me.
4) Jenna and her goodness.
5) Beautiful music.
Thank you for these things. Now I must sleep and become better.
Maybe tomorrow will suck. Maybe it will be the worst day of my life. Maybe I will cry and end up feeling like shit by 10:00 am. But I need to remember this moment, right now, 10:31 pm on Monday, February 27, 2012, and remember that at this moment, I have hope. Just that alone should be enough.
