Can we behave as companions?
Two months. Two months. A summer. Seven years. Little steps. Everything reminds me of you. Every thought leads to you. My heart is breaking. I want to be back in that day, when we were in your room and you played me "The Season". I didn't really want to hear another song--I wanted to walk to the lake like we did that crazy day--but I said yes because I love your voice and I wanted you to be happy, and I know performing makes you so happy. So you played "The Season", and the way you looked was more gorgeous than anything I've seen. Not because of you, but because of what you became in those 5 minutes. It's something no one could ever know. Not even me. It's that part of you I will never see or know, no matter how well I know you or how well you wish for me to know you. That part that is yours, love, they can never take that away. And for a moment I was in your room with it, and I couldn't understand it at all, but I felt honoured to be there on your bed. Sometimes when you play for me I want to cry. I remember when you came over to my house for the first time and played "Thinking of You" and I remember thinking God, don't make me fall for you. Stop making me fall in love with you. I tried, you know, to not fall for you. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I wonder if I could have stopped it. When I came back, I thought I'd be over you. Then I saw you, how normal you are, how sweet you are, just how you are you... It's hard to describe. But it took about 4 seconds for me to fall for you all over again, but twice as hard. I cried to Jenna about it. I've put myself through a lot because I love you. I wonder if you love me. It doesn't really matter. Because I just love you and that's all I can ever worry about. I want you next to me right now. It's only been a week and a half, and already.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Missing You
I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue.
The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.
The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.
Monday, August 13, 2012
No One's Gonna Love You
No one's gonna love you more than I do.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where we'll be in 4 to 7 years. That's a long stretch of time to think about for having only known each other for a few months. It's pretty crazy, isn't it? But nothing worth having ever really makes sense. All I know is that I am happier than ever when I get the chance to see you or talk to you. I am happier than ever just knowing that you're in my life. You are here now, and there's going to be really hard times ahead I know. It's going to be so hard, missing you so much. It's going to make it hard to focus, so I may have to let you go a bit. But I hope that our time apart can make us grow as individuals so that when we finally and hopefully do get to be together, we are stronger and better for it. Is it crazy that I can see a long road ahead of us? The reason I can is because we are both reasonable. I trust you, and I try to trust you. I trust that you won't throw me away; please know that I won't. Even when the days come when I want to, I won't. I'll check myself and keep you close. I don't want to ruin anything with you, ever. I'm going to look at my last relationship and see what went wrong, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that never happens with us. You make me excited for the future. I used to look at the future as something awful, something I had to fill with dead space and time, something I had to endure. Now it seems instead to be something extremely fragile and beautiful.
I am glad our families can be friends. That makes me so happy! I am happy that your sister likes me, and maybe even your other siblings. And your parents. I hope they like me too. I like them all. I will remember everything from this summer, every moment I spent with you. Each one was amazing. The first time you held me, it felt like it'd been that way for so much longer, but neither of us knew. The first time you held my hand, I felt like it wasn't the first time, but like it was something so natural that had been happening for a long time. The first time you kissed my head and we sat there together, I felt safe. If I think about it too much, I begin to cry. Not because I'm sad (though I am very sad to leave you; but I will be back!) but because I have never been happier. This is going to be hard, it's crazy, we may be crazy too, but hey, it's okay! I have horrible patience, but I will work on it for you. I will do anything for you, really. As long as it makes you happy and okay and safe. -Bianca
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where we'll be in 4 to 7 years. That's a long stretch of time to think about for having only known each other for a few months. It's pretty crazy, isn't it? But nothing worth having ever really makes sense. All I know is that I am happier than ever when I get the chance to see you or talk to you. I am happier than ever just knowing that you're in my life. You are here now, and there's going to be really hard times ahead I know. It's going to be so hard, missing you so much. It's going to make it hard to focus, so I may have to let you go a bit. But I hope that our time apart can make us grow as individuals so that when we finally and hopefully do get to be together, we are stronger and better for it. Is it crazy that I can see a long road ahead of us? The reason I can is because we are both reasonable. I trust you, and I try to trust you. I trust that you won't throw me away; please know that I won't. Even when the days come when I want to, I won't. I'll check myself and keep you close. I don't want to ruin anything with you, ever. I'm going to look at my last relationship and see what went wrong, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that never happens with us. You make me excited for the future. I used to look at the future as something awful, something I had to fill with dead space and time, something I had to endure. Now it seems instead to be something extremely fragile and beautiful.
I am glad our families can be friends. That makes me so happy! I am happy that your sister likes me, and maybe even your other siblings. And your parents. I hope they like me too. I like them all. I will remember everything from this summer, every moment I spent with you. Each one was amazing. The first time you held me, it felt like it'd been that way for so much longer, but neither of us knew. The first time you held my hand, I felt like it wasn't the first time, but like it was something so natural that had been happening for a long time. The first time you kissed my head and we sat there together, I felt safe. If I think about it too much, I begin to cry. Not because I'm sad (though I am very sad to leave you; but I will be back!) but because I have never been happier. This is going to be hard, it's crazy, we may be crazy too, but hey, it's okay! I have horrible patience, but I will work on it for you. I will do anything for you, really. As long as it makes you happy and okay and safe. -Bianca
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I Can't Believe How Dumb I Sound
If you're happy, I am too. If you're sleeping, I'm with you.
But you love someone else...
I will get to spend half of tomorrow with someone I love very much. Could life be better? No.
But you love someone else...
I will get to spend half of tomorrow with someone I love very much. Could life be better? No.
Friday, August 10, 2012
That Survey I Got From Lauren
You've become a part of me ever since you turned 18, love.
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes, a lot.
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Yes, I got cross at my mommy.
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I am scared.
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes, a lot.
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Yes, I got cross at my mommy.
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I am scared.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Gratefulness
There is something no one can take away from me. What I've done and known this summer; I will forever remember it as one of the best things God gave me. I can say nothing at all but Thank You. I don't know how it happened, and it came out of nowhere. All I know is that I am happy, and I feel like this is the beginning of something so much better. I wake up looking forward to what the days hold, knowing that I have friends and I have love in my life. I am the most blessed person on Earth.
You make me want to become so much better, do you know that? Only one other person has made me feel that way, and it's not Mercutio, it's Jenna. She made, and makes, me want to be better so that I can be a good friend. You also make me want to be a better friend. You make me want to start praying to God again, for strength and knowledge of how to love you better. You make me want to treat you well and share in your happiness in a selfless way and listen to anything you need to say, and be selfless overall. It's amazing... I don't even know why. I just want to be a good person for you. You make the days a little bit brighter! I look forward to seeing you, but I will always be okay as long as I know you are okay and that a "one day" is in the future. I can wait, because I am learning to trust in this. It is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. It is also the most difficult. I mess up a lot more than I'd like to, but I know you wouldn't want me to be hard on myself, so I try not to be. I've begun to appreciate myself more as a person, too. I find that I am a good person, but I of course have flaws. You do, too. But I am more than willing to accept them and forgive them. I love finding flaws in you actually, because they make me realise that you are real, and this is real. If you were "perfect", you'd be boring. I love you for everything you are. Every last thing, the things I know and the things I still will find out, all of it: I want to know it. I am so excited! I feel like I'm at the starting line of the best race of my life, ready to run and be happy and be free. I remember once, the worst thing I ever thought, was that I wished I didn't love you. But I am glad that I do. I can't believe this is happening. I am so happy I could cry. GAH!
You make me want to become so much better, do you know that? Only one other person has made me feel that way, and it's not Mercutio, it's Jenna. She made, and makes, me want to be better so that I can be a good friend. You also make me want to be a better friend. You make me want to start praying to God again, for strength and knowledge of how to love you better. You make me want to treat you well and share in your happiness in a selfless way and listen to anything you need to say, and be selfless overall. It's amazing... I don't even know why. I just want to be a good person for you. You make the days a little bit brighter! I look forward to seeing you, but I will always be okay as long as I know you are okay and that a "one day" is in the future. I can wait, because I am learning to trust in this. It is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. It is also the most difficult. I mess up a lot more than I'd like to, but I know you wouldn't want me to be hard on myself, so I try not to be. I've begun to appreciate myself more as a person, too. I find that I am a good person, but I of course have flaws. You do, too. But I am more than willing to accept them and forgive them. I love finding flaws in you actually, because they make me realise that you are real, and this is real. If you were "perfect", you'd be boring. I love you for everything you are. Every last thing, the things I know and the things I still will find out, all of it: I want to know it. I am so excited! I feel like I'm at the starting line of the best race of my life, ready to run and be happy and be free. I remember once, the worst thing I ever thought, was that I wished I didn't love you. But I am glad that I do. I can't believe this is happening. I am so happy I could cry. GAH!
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