every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you.

hm. i should write down some of my stuff here. yeah. okay. uhh.
i'm going to go write a song today. hear that jenna, bails, and sarah? i'm going to!
yeah. don't really know what to say.
except that:
it's a weird kind of pain i'm feeling now.
it's like a dull sense in the pit of my stomach.
it feels a lot like butterflies... funny that it's the opposite.
it happens when i think of something in the past.
something that hurts to remember.
something that makes me feel like a fool.
like your pity.
pity... i hate it.
did you really think leading me on, making me think things were okay, that it would make me happy?
maybe at the time, since i had no clue.
but now, once i find out.
now is when pity turns to shame turns to hurt.
thank you.
for making me look like a blind idiot.
making yourself seem like a kind person for bestowing pity on me and not wanting to "hurt my feelings."
it really worked, especially now.
but so many times i've told myself to change.
"stop being so jealous!"
"stop being so needy!"
"stop being so demanding!"
all that.
and you know what?
i'm working on it.
day by day.
theres so much i want to ask...
so much i want to know and to be sure of.
but i'm not going to ask those questions. never again.
because that brings me back to the pity thing.
i ask them and all i get is pity and lies.
sometimes i want to be told the cold hard truth, you know.
so yeah.
enough with the questions.
they'll remain in my head and on paper.
nowhere else.
it's sad that you're such a blind fool.
i almost feel sorry for you... almost.