Scary White Monster

In my window.
On the ground.
I don't recognize you.
Maybe Zach was right. I find that kid is right sometimes. I wish he'd talk to me, not because I'm in love with him [which I am] but because I like the stuff he says. I like the way he says something. I like the way he says the opposite of that something eventually, like the first one never happened.
I like people more than I used to, but I don't know if that's good. Reading through my old stuff, it's easy to tell I didn't care about specific people really. I sure there were instances when I cared about nobody. That seems inhuman, as if hearts are slots to be filled with a pair of eyes. But it wasn't inhuman... Because what replaced those eyes and lips I saw talking, what I saw instead (or wanted to?) was all of humanity, as this big, bright, beautiful girl in front of me to love. To understand. I used to be in love with humanity. The best thing about humanity is that it consistently lets you down. You know people are evil; they are going to buy guns and shoot their sisters. They are going to steal from convenience stores. I don't need to tell you that. But when you fall in love with a person, you forget that they're human sometimes. You trust them unconsciously, and then they go on and buy a gun and shoot you in the foot. You forgot. It slipped.
It's like this:
I'm looking out a new window. I was so used to my old one. It brings back such great memories: Shakespeare on tape, Hiroshima blasting to the night, bad piano to the neighbors, hearing my car get egged. I left it open, and it would rain and stink and rot. So great. I saw the car out the window. Fuck Fuck I miss That.
I miss it so much.
This is a new window. I see construction, and I can't do half the things I'd like because it's only half my room. I can't wait until I live in Australia in less than two years. I cannot wait.
But I don't want to speculate on the beauty of the future.
I'm trying to find who I need to be in this moment, and this is really hard.
I've come a long way, but is it good?
I used to be able to occupy my time with literature and thoughts and the sense of being alone. I remember when I craved being alone. I would wait until my mother left in the mornings, my father, and I'd be alone. I'd have the best day, just there in the house, by myself. It was an adventure to just walk to the park alone. I think the things you think are so great become greater still if you never surpass them. Should we just keep our lives at a subdued hue of blue forever? Never go past, never reach past, into the sky? Is it safer to just live in sadness?
Much safer.
When you're sad, no one can hurt you.
[I miss privacy.]
NOTHING GOOD
CAN COME
FROM
THIS
MIND.
I'm trying to find that part of me again. The part that isn't defined by anyone or anything. The part of me that finds wonder in rocks, finds words in nothing. The part that made me me. That made me love myself. Now I see myself: what have I become?
I learned to depend on people.
Depend.
What an awful word.
I don't want to need anybody.
I don't need to want anybody.
I have me, and I am beautiful.
I am beautiful because I am trying.
I am trying.
Trying to what?
Trying to find those words again, make the connections.
This makes me miss Coach L. so much. I don't know why, but he is a tragic figure. I'd love to talk to him one day. But I won't think about the future. I'm thinking about now.
And I know what it is I'm doing, even if you don't.
All I'm really doing is trying to find a way to make it through today. So if I don't say anything tomorrow, it's because I found another way. If I do, then you'll know why I'm back. It's not embarrassing. Everyone has a way of coping with somebody and something, right?
1) Don't mention the problem. Run away from it at all costs.
2) Develop new problems that cannot be solved, instead of actually fixing something.
3) Wait.
4) When you're done with that, stop thinking about anything real. Anything you can see... Don't think...
5) Wait.
6) Forever.

How I've found it, in past. A part of me wants nothing more than to sleep. My heart aches at the thought of it. I don't let myself sleep mid-day. No, I'm not [forgotten.] Do I love myself, or do I just love other people? What, is it better to love others before yourself? No, I think not. The love I gave so freely to the new people I found: It came from what I had building for years. Now it's gone, and I've neglected myself. Just like I promised Zach we'd work on love, I have to do it for myself. Because I'm able to love other people quite easily, if it's the right person, but loving myself is harder. I like myself. But I don't know if I respect myself now. It would only be right to promise myself that. Before I go home for the summer... I'm waiting, love. You may not care, but I do.
What an awful thing, to care.
So cruel.
It obliges both parties to make an awkward shift, to make an awkward smile. And in one, it cannot go away, in one it cannot appear.
I'm so sick of what I've become.
I miss not trying to have friends.
I miss having shitty expectations, because then no one could ever let me down.
[Back here?]
I am lowering them.
That's it.
I will never make any friends in anything I do.
I'm just doing things for me, and when I feel like it, something will change.
Let's try it?
TRY.
FUCK!

Nothing I think anymore
has value.
It's all shit.
What happened?
This happened once before, I got over it. Let's do it. I need sorrow and loneliness to be brilliant, and I have both right now. Let's put them to good use and live them out instead of casting them away. Good can come from loneliness. I've known it.

Fuck Off, You

That's how I like it. I like to stare at a middle finger as I fall asleep.
And yeah it bothers you.
And then you go to your room and your friends' room.
But I'm never there.
You know where I am.
I'm not sure where it's all going anyways.
My friend,
He tells me,
It's all gonna work out.
Yes I know.
I guess I have a burning desire to cut my finger nails.
I guess everytime you don't say goodbye, I lose a bit of my faith in you.
I guess I stopped caring
About some things,
And then others
I can't stop caring.
I wish I was like you.
You say so many things
And none of it really ever makes sense,
I just get the sense
You're so fucked up.
You remind me of an "old lover"
Who once did something dumb.
I don't know how to feel towards you now.
I don't feel malice. Never hate. I just don't.
I can hate strangers, and I do.
I hate everyone I meet.
Until I know them.
It's like starting at zero.
Not one hundred.
And I wish I could look upon this earth with unabounded love. With free flowing love. With love like oceans and napkins and fast food, just coming out of nowhere, and forever.
But I can't.
I look at the world and I see people wearing things that cost a lot of money.
I see people with straight hair who shouldn't have straight hair.
And it makes me so upset,
That's a problem.
Everything makes me upset.
I just.
WANT.
STABILITY.
Do I have to scream it?
I want stability in something crazy, not something stable.
I want to take the least stable home and live there,
But FOREVER. I want a forever.
If it's bad, I end.
It it's good, I stay.
So simple.
Time to sleep.
More later.
Goodbye.
Now.
DROP.

Nine Hours

What if you catch me? Where would we lay?

That's how long I studied for today. I woke up at 8 because Robin did, then I slept for another hour until 9 and got ready for Mass. We decided to go to Mass at the Basilica because it's famous and gorgeous and in our backyard. So we walked over and it was lightly snowing. It was a really beautiful morning. I think it's one of the memories that will stick with me. Mass was kind-of scary and religious in a scary way, if you can understand that. It smelled great. George was singing in the Liturgical Choir, which was pretty intense. Anyways, afterwards Robin and I went to lunch at South and then met up with Stella and we went to CoMo second floor and studied until they kicked us out. Then we went to the Learning Resource Center until 4:30 and Robin, George and I went to early dinner. After that we decided to go to LaFun and discovered a great little place called the "East Lounge"... Very quiet and secluded, but the plugs didn't work for some reason. We left at around 9PM and headed back to Welsh Fam. Then Robin said she wanted to watch an odd documentary so we watched "Strange Sex": an episode about cougars and "cubs," or so they are apparently called. Interesting. Then Robin went to sleep and Jeannette left so I took a shower and now I am writing this and waiting for Zach to call! That is my day. It was actually quite nice. I got a lot done. I still have more to do, like:
-Read Chapter 2 for Psychology
-Find an "argument" and write a 500 word blog post analysis on it
-Read Philosophy and do reading response

That's all, really. But I don't know. I guess that leaves stuff for tomorrow! Why am I even talking about this, it is so boring? I guess because when I'm waiting for Zach to call I get pretty happy and slightly nervous and when I'm in this mood I just rant about mundane things. I can't put much thought into happiness. It doesn't allow for stops... Not like sadness. Hm. Maybe I should stop typing this. Maybe I should read more Psychology. But I can't focus when I'm waiting! Ahh! I can try. I think I'll just watch Netflix and be unproductive; I've been working literally all day.

Goodnight for now!

But I Still Miss You

The world wants an answer now
And how are we to say it, how
can we even answer to ourselves?

But there's not a word they've made
to make sense of the way I feel
when you touch my hand

Be here

You've got a little way about you
I fear I'm losing you to madness
You've got a little way I love
And here and now just gets in our way

They're taking us out back
tied the shackles to a shack
faces to a wall, feet to the earth

Don't it just feel like hell
to know that just as well
I could be anywhere I choose

Be here

[Too lazy to get real paper.]

Lover, You Should Have Come Over

If I didn't know the difference, living alone would probably be okay. It wouldn't be lonely.
I've got a long way to go, getting further away.

Back when school first started, I was in an Elliott Smith mood a lot. You know the mood? The one where you feel absolutely hopeless and longing and somewhat beautiful and desperate (refer to: "Let's Get Lost"). It's because I missed you a lot. Now I still do (when you're gone I guess). But it's more like Jeff Buckley (funny you kind-of introduced me to both). Jeff Buckley is like the guy that died before his time. Elliott too, but it was a choice. Confusing, right? I always thought Jeff's music was sadder, because it was soft and sad and low, not quite as beautiful and harsh as Elliott's. With Jeff, you can hear the sadness in his voice. It's pretty amazing. Hard to Explain.

I don't know why I'm longing for things when I would have been happy with my situation several months ago. I really don't get it. I look back on this summer, and yes I spent a lot of time with my friends but I didn't spend *that* much time with you. There were just a few notable instances when I did. Like those weird 4 days after I came back from Italy. And a bit at the end of summer. But besides that... not much. Now I get to see you very often when I'm in town. I guess because I'm separate from you a lot when I'm at school, so when I'm back I expect to see you a lot more. I know it's not like in the long run it really matters. We have years and years ahead of us to spend days together if we want. I guess I just get so fixated on an idea sometimes that I can't let it go and I end up hurting myself. Like when I wanted to run away so badly. It's still on my bucket list. Here it is so far:

1) CHL!
2) Ski a black diamond.
3) Go bungee jumping.
4) Jump from a plane.
5) Go to Croatia.
6) Explore NYC with someone I'm in love with.
7) Fireworks (I know I've already done it, but hey I just put it to make myself feel better hehe!)
8) Kiss you (Done it!)
9) Tell you I love you (Done it!)
Okay now I'm just putting stuff I've done to make myself feel better. How about a 2013 bucket list?? YES.

1) GET MY FIRST JOB. YES. I need to start looking soon.
2) Perform on stage. At least 3 times. (See 3&4)
3) Perform on stage.
4) Perform on stage.
5) Do something at ND (like a play or a club or something) random that sounds totally awesome.
6) GET ALL A's! Work harder... Robin and I shall be smart ladies.
7) Go skiing. Yup. Sounds impossible considering all things but yup.
8) Set off fireworks again (Don't quite care when)
9) Explore Austin with Rob
9.5) Say yes to EVERY offer on April 12, 2013
10) Do all the teenagery stuff on my birthday...
     -TP someone's house
     -Make out at the movie theatre
     -Ding dong ditch
     -Get a longboard and start skating around listening to music hahaha
     -Have a prank calling night
     -Go on the roof of the school

I don't know what else. More to come tomorrow.