On Trying and Failing

and there comes a fine line between exhaustion and i-could-care-less.
i'm not at the not caring side, yet, love.
don't get me wrong.
i'm just exhausted.
it's as if every conversation would end with me breathless...
so breathless, and such a waste.
do you remember when you came to me for advice?
that first.. oh when was it? summer?
so far away back... seems like forever, no?
well, you came to me for my opinion.
and i gave it to you. i did. i tried so hard.
maybe i'm just missing something here... am i?
am i just not understanding what goes on in your mind?
or are we really that different, now?

and you, love. i'm so sorry.
it takes times like these to udnerstand what you meant.
when i broke down? and when i wasn't afraid to show you what i'm like when i'm not me.
you were there. and you told me how you felt and i listened.
and at the time, i didn't understand...
now i completely do.
i'm so sorry.
so sorry.
we are all human... being human sucks sometimes, doesnt it, love?
but i need to learn to listen to you...
before i move a notch up on the hypocrite scale, yes?

but isn't it odd? to think all of the things we must practice to be good:
kindness, good listening, selflessness, etc.
it doesn't seem so hard written down on paper.
but then when you try to balance human emotion against those, guess which wins?
can no one see it? that i do try...
i try so hard... maybe the attempts go all the way from my heart up to my mind and they stop there.
is that it? is that what you see? nothing?
because so many times i've contradicted my own emotion to help someone.
it's hard, it is. but i've tried.
i'm not going to go on some self-admarating speech about how good i am.
i'm not.
i try and try and try and get no where.
so i'll try and try until the end of time, until my attempts can touch someone's life.
and if they don't?
i will at least be able to say i gave it my best shot, but missed.

so i guess it's time to say:
"good bye, opinions."
and toss away the key.