I wanna free fall, out into nothing.
I'm gonna leave this world for a while.
Robin is sleeping maybe. She's probably wondering what I'm doing. She probably knows what I'm doing because she knows me well. She'll probably even read this one day. If you are, hey Robin this is referring to the night before the Holy Half when we stayed up late talking with George then just us.
When does the Nyquil kick in? I took a lot of medicine... Some decongesents, some cough syrup, some Nyquil, lots of cough drops. And my throat still hurts like hell. In fact, it hurts more. It feels like all my symptoms got concentrated into my throat. My nose isn't running, I'm not coughing as much, no headache or earaches, no fever (that I know of)... but OW my throat. Pain. On one hand, I really just want to be healthy again. I almost missed my Soc Psych test today. And I want to be able to go out and have fun without being tired and sick-y and stuff. But then again, being sick is a good distraction from any bigger problems. Which I'm sure are there, lurking, but whatever. I'm going into that mode again. Where I just learn to deal with it with defense mechanisms. I just become more cynical and lose faith that anything too good can happen to me and just accept the fact that life's going to be mediocre for a while. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's all just phases. I don't know... I just guess I'm trying to stop caring. I don't want to care anymore. So much effort... Like, having to have these problems and stuff... Why can't I just be a nice person, go to Mass, do my work, whatever, and ignore my problems? There's only a week left in this month. Almost done. Then another month of school. Then I'm done!
I have no regard for anyone, really. I used to really really care about Zach. Now I'm just scared to care about him. I'm scared that he'll let me down because I expect too much. That's when it's best to just expect nothing. I'm not even going to try to visit him at school or anything. I love him, yeah, but it's too complicated right now. I'm still figuring out so much. So is he. I miss who I was around him: easy to make friends, nice, sweet, good. Here at college, although I am nice to strangers, I'm just indifferent. I just want to get through the weeks, do my best, get drunk on weekends, and repeat. It doesn't feel bad, really. It doesn't feel like anything. I don't know. I am so mean to George. Maybe it's a challenge for me. To try and be nice to him. I don't understand this. Do I wish for different things sometimes? Yeah. I guess I wish I was still in a big group again. I wish I had a sense of humour too. It would help. But I can't help that I don't find many things funny!
So I should make a what do I REALLY want list. Hmm.
1) Still, why Susan did that.
2) Just to be warm with Jenna.
3) For things to be like they were with Zach when I could talk on the phone with him for 3 hours.
4) For it to be the future.
5) To talk to my mom.
6) For someone to understand me... again...?
7) To be more like Bruce.
Yup! But what I want most of all is for there NOT to be homework for me to do tomorrow. I don't even want to think about it. Especially Writing and Rhetoric. I can handle Psych. At least I like Psych. But W&R... I hate it! Am I getting drowsy? Maybe the Nyquil is kicking in. I wish I had alcohol right now. Don't you?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I Wish the World Really Had Ended on Friday December 21, 2012
In time, you will fade away.
But time takes time, you know.
I'm not clever anymore. I'm not creative. I need
-Some paint
-Some time
-A new personality
-To stop basing my self-worth on whether I think people like me.
-Because face it, self, you will never truly think people like you until you like yourself until to think they like you and at that point, you won't even need their approval!
That's what I like about Colleen. She doesn't really seem to need to prove herself to be a cool chick to people she meets. She's just herself, and she doesn't seem to need to build that base that I do. I wish I could just be myself with everyone (AKA Not Be Shy) but I don't know why it's so hard. It's hard even to image that people could feel differently than I do. I'm fucking awesome when I let myself be, so why don't I? Why do I keep thinking I'm not fucking awesome? I know I am... At least I have been in the past. Who knows... It's all so confusing. I already know the first think I'm going to paint when I get my hands on some acrylics. It's gonna be a black girl with pretty brown skin and a red turtle neck with an orange back ground and her eyes will look so beautiful and real [I spend the most time on the eyes... I just love eyes, who doesn't?] and she'll look neutral/worried/pretty/she knows she's all of these but doesn't care. She'll be steady and gorgeous. Cartoon-ish, not a caricature. Fuck I want so much. I'm so materialistic sometimes, for as much as I say I'm not. I want a curling iron [yeah but when I curl my hair I always get pissed off at the end and end up straightening it and it looks creepy and frizzy] and to put make-up on in the mornings. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!kkkkkk. Fuc!k!k!k!k!k!k!K! That's fun. Okay now I'm just procrastinating. But seriously! Self, stop worrying. Just be yourself (BE AWESOME!).
But time takes time, you know.
I'm not clever anymore. I'm not creative. I need
-Some paint
-Some time
-A new personality
-To stop basing my self-worth on whether I think people like me.
-Because face it, self, you will never truly think people like you until you like yourself until to think they like you and at that point, you won't even need their approval!
That's what I like about Colleen. She doesn't really seem to need to prove herself to be a cool chick to people she meets. She's just herself, and she doesn't seem to need to build that base that I do. I wish I could just be myself with everyone (AKA Not Be Shy) but I don't know why it's so hard. It's hard even to image that people could feel differently than I do. I'm fucking awesome when I let myself be, so why don't I? Why do I keep thinking I'm not fucking awesome? I know I am... At least I have been in the past. Who knows... It's all so confusing. I already know the first think I'm going to paint when I get my hands on some acrylics. It's gonna be a black girl with pretty brown skin and a red turtle neck with an orange back ground and her eyes will look so beautiful and real [I spend the most time on the eyes... I just love eyes, who doesn't?] and she'll look neutral/worried/pretty/she knows she's all of these but doesn't care. She'll be steady and gorgeous. Cartoon-ish, not a caricature. Fuck I want so much. I'm so materialistic sometimes, for as much as I say I'm not. I want a curling iron [yeah but when I curl my hair I always get pissed off at the end and end up straightening it and it looks creepy and frizzy] and to put make-up on in the mornings. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!kkkkkk. Fuc!k!k!k!k!k!k!K! That's fun. Okay now I'm just procrastinating. But seriously! Self, stop worrying. Just be yourself (BE AWESOME!).
Monday, March 4, 2013
What are You Trying to Prove? Who are You Trying to Prove it to?
I should have nailed you down.
Now you're on that cloud.
I wish I could forget. It's only been two months. That's nothing, right? It feels like it's been so long. I miss being your friend. Here's what I would say to you if I could:
Dear you,
You need to make a choice. You can either have me in your life, or you can't. But there can't be an inbetween. So let me know. If you let me stay, I would be good. Right now, I don't feel like being good. I don't feel like saying, "Thanks" to the ladies in the cafeteria. No, instead, I'm going to go out and get drunk on weekends and bury my head in books and tell myself that everyone I see is a goddamn idiot who deserves to die. Right now, I hate the world sometimes. I do. It's sad how it always comes back to that, but just let me hate the world. It's nice sometimes to do that, because its so easy for me. I can't be mad at you because you didn't do anything bad, but sometimes I really am. Sometimes I feel like asking you if you enjoyed pushing me away. What were you doing, were you leading me on? You made me believe you felt something for me, and then you tell me it's gone and you just don't think it's possible. No, I know you didn't lead me on. You were just feeling it then. But how come you can stop and I can't? Why do I still love you? I want to stop loving you, because I don't love anyone else. Everyone else I see is so ugly, so disgusting, so awful. I know you couldn't always see it, but I think you're so beautiful. It makes me sad, because I tried so hard to be good to you. I tried so hard to never hurt you and to give you space and stretch myself so that you could be happy. And I was happy just to make you happy and see you happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. Why won't you just let me? No, instead you like to push me away. You like to not talk to me, you like to leave me be. Don't you know how much I miss you? Don't you see how hard it is for me? I cry a lot about it. I think about you everyday. And it's awful. I wish I could go one day without missing you. And I bet you're back there, and I bet you don't even care. I bet you've forgotten all about me, that stupid girl who loved you. Just as well, right? I'll be coming home in two months, and then what? Are you going to ignore me? Because I'm sure as hell not going to chase after you. I'm tired of doing that. Maybe you just like pushing people out of your life. I don't get it. Why would you do that to me? So I guess what's left for me is to just drink it away from time to time, trudge through my days, going on and hating where I've ended up. I've always thought life was a pretty awful thing, but I guess meeting you made me like it a bit more. Knowing I could spend some time with a guy like you made me happy to be in this world. Now I don't know. Nothing else is doing that for me. I hope you're fine.
-Bianca
Yeah, right.
Now you're on that cloud.
I wish I could forget. It's only been two months. That's nothing, right? It feels like it's been so long. I miss being your friend. Here's what I would say to you if I could:
Dear you,
You need to make a choice. You can either have me in your life, or you can't. But there can't be an inbetween. So let me know. If you let me stay, I would be good. Right now, I don't feel like being good. I don't feel like saying, "Thanks" to the ladies in the cafeteria. No, instead, I'm going to go out and get drunk on weekends and bury my head in books and tell myself that everyone I see is a goddamn idiot who deserves to die. Right now, I hate the world sometimes. I do. It's sad how it always comes back to that, but just let me hate the world. It's nice sometimes to do that, because its so easy for me. I can't be mad at you because you didn't do anything bad, but sometimes I really am. Sometimes I feel like asking you if you enjoyed pushing me away. What were you doing, were you leading me on? You made me believe you felt something for me, and then you tell me it's gone and you just don't think it's possible. No, I know you didn't lead me on. You were just feeling it then. But how come you can stop and I can't? Why do I still love you? I want to stop loving you, because I don't love anyone else. Everyone else I see is so ugly, so disgusting, so awful. I know you couldn't always see it, but I think you're so beautiful. It makes me sad, because I tried so hard to be good to you. I tried so hard to never hurt you and to give you space and stretch myself so that you could be happy. And I was happy just to make you happy and see you happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. Why won't you just let me? No, instead you like to push me away. You like to not talk to me, you like to leave me be. Don't you know how much I miss you? Don't you see how hard it is for me? I cry a lot about it. I think about you everyday. And it's awful. I wish I could go one day without missing you. And I bet you're back there, and I bet you don't even care. I bet you've forgotten all about me, that stupid girl who loved you. Just as well, right? I'll be coming home in two months, and then what? Are you going to ignore me? Because I'm sure as hell not going to chase after you. I'm tired of doing that. Maybe you just like pushing people out of your life. I don't get it. Why would you do that to me? So I guess what's left for me is to just drink it away from time to time, trudge through my days, going on and hating where I've ended up. I've always thought life was a pretty awful thing, but I guess meeting you made me like it a bit more. Knowing I could spend some time with a guy like you made me happy to be in this world. Now I don't know. Nothing else is doing that for me. I hope you're fine.
-Bianca
Yeah, right.
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