Secret

I cry for you sometimes.

When You Can't Help Yourself, Try Harder

Something that's been racking my mind lately. Perhaps it's full of blame and a lack of responsibility on my part, but everyone has ways of venting. And maybe this will never be solved; I just wish to make my sentiments known to absolutely no one at all.

There's a bit of an issue that I won't get haughty about. But I don't appreciate being messed with. If you are my friend, let it be known for a longer span of time than a day or an hour or sometimes a minute. If you are not my friend at all, let it be known constantly. But don't be both of those contradictions, because then I will just be very confused, toyed with, and hurt trying to figure out which of the two categories you will fill in that given instance that we approach each other or talk. I can't always decipher your intent from one meeting to the next; I can't read minds; I can't handle a personality like this. If you wish to be friends, that would be great. Although we sometimes get on each others' nerves, I think we think in common. But even this doesn't obscure the dual-personality tendencies you exhibit while around me. I get it if you're just as messed as I am. I'm pretty sure everyone in this whole damn world is messed. Messed up, messed over, messed with: all the same result, right? A world of sad confusion. But even if you are, that's an issue you should work out. It's not right to hurt people by being bipolar with your friendship. I've been on a bad end of a bad deal for a long time with you, and I've just watched it unfold and fold itself again only to repeat. What should I do? Ignore you as you can me? The dramatics come into effect, and I dislike being the "dramatic" one as I was 2 years ago. It's not a fun job title to procure. I've had some of my best sophomore memories with you in more respects than one. Sophomore time of being alive and living. I came over to the school with inhibitions about friendship and getting close to people. I think I become too familiar with you, because it shouldn't upset me this much. It is the instances like you that will make me even more apprehensive about friendship. Thank you. So, if you're messed, talk. If you're fine and unaware: there's not much I can do. It's not like I haven't told you this. Sounding like a broken record is not an admirable quality that will make you want to be friends with me. But again, the old-age question of freshman summer--"Why should I have to prove anything?" Do I feel you're worth it? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. It depends on who you were to me that day. I don't like tangible roller coasters, and you've seen me approach them with hesitance and fright, so please don't put me on one right now. I'm a person, and although I am cold and distant for most of life, I do care about you and it hurts to be toyed with. In the case that you don't want to be friends and you are (very unconvincingly) humouring me, it would hurt a great deal to be broken off from you because I think we are friends (?), but it would be a hurt that I'd move on from. It's like a broken bone; you just adapt and move on with a cast on your arm until one day you wake up and you are fine. I've done shit like that before. I can rinse and repeat. But continual and dull pain just becomes an annoyance. If it varies, it becomes unexpected. I never know. So, if you break it off today, tomorrow, next week, do it. If that's how you intend it to be for 2 more years. I try not to need people, so you'll just be another gerbil in that experiment. Just break it off and please, after, do not consider me at all because that's what I'll be doing for you. 2 YEARS, two years. It seems a lifetime ahead, stretched over moments where you'll be this and that and nothing at all sometimes, but it's closer than we think. It's sad that you're the kind-of-person I add to my "will-not-contact-after-having-parted" list. And maybe my friendship isn't worth it for you. It's only been less than a year and it's already an issue. Record timing. Be someone constant in my life, whether it's a friend or a nothing-at-all face I used to know. I can accept both. Just please give me one. That's all I ask of you.

Another day to watch; who will you be today?