Dope

Hello, hello. Can you hear me?

I REFUSE TO BE CRAZY. I'm done. 

I will take my medicine. I will go to therapy. I will find a psychiatrist that actually makes sense with my schedule. I will be a good person. I will stop complicating my life. I will be honest when I need to be, and when I should be. I will work hard and take pride in what I do. I will have hope for the future. I'm done being crazy. I am extremely unhappy being this way, so it's time to stop this nonsense. Stop wasting your time on people who make you beg for attention. Seriously, where's your self worth? You are a gorgeous, intelligent, independent, growing young lady. Everyday you learn something new, you try to make someone smile. Stop pretending to be such a tough bitch. You're not. You're not a shy little weakling either. You're just a girl trying to find her way. Stop trying to get sympathy for problems that don't need to exist. Honestly, I think that I'm scared life won't throw enough my way. I think I'm tougher, more experience, more ready than I truly am. But in honesty, I need to trust the universe. I need that as a tattoo. I want so many tattoos. I want one that says, "Thank you, not sorry." It's something Ryan said to me once right before I fell asleep: Try saying thank you more, and sorry less. It might change your perspective. It was very good advice. In the past year I've gotten some great advice. That was a good one. Another one from Ryan: Start making decisions for yourself. I don't know if he worded it the way I would have, but I know what he meant. I was living my life off the rail, so carefree, weirdly and temporarily happy. Ashton and the time he drove me to my dad's car. He told me I was a nice girl. He told me I couldn't quit ever, because every time I quit, I teach myself that that is okay. I think of that when I want to be weak or skip work or something. I still go, even when I'm coming down or haven't slept all night or wanting to rip my skin off my wrists. Yeah, however I feel, I fucking go into work and think of what he said, "Are you gonna stand up or lay down right now? What you do now will define what you do later. You will learn from this moment, and you can learn to grow and be strong, or you can learn to give up and be weak." Those words really affected me. I've gotten good advice from Jenna, Guillermo, Taylor, my parents, my grandma, my brother, so so so so so many people. Richard Gamez. Lauren. So many good words my way. I could, and will, write them all down but I dunno. I dunno. I feel nervous talking to people. I wanna go camping. 

Wow my battery goes away so fast.

Anyways. It's time to get to bed. Too bad. I stole a book now I wanna read it. I also met an interesting Jewish guy. Then today I met a guy named Mike who said he'd come back tomorrow and get a coffee from me. Hm. So tomorrow I work 3P-CLOSE. Great. At least I work with Dee. She is very cool and mature. I like mature people. But I also like people who can have fun.

The Stars Feel Like Knives, Tell Us What We're Fighting

Up high for false affection, again.

So today if I had to describe my depression (shouldn't I just name it? I think I'll name it Uma.) it's like keeping head above water. Doggy paddling. Like a thought that keeping resurfacing but I have to drown it, or I drown. This is how it feels to die. Now I understand why so many people revert to saying "I'll pray for you." It just gives you something to say to convey how you feel. But when you don't believe in prayer or God, what do you say? "I'm sorry"? "I'm thinking of you"? "How can I help?" I think non-belief in a God forces you to think a LOT more. But religion, done right, stretches the mind as well. I guess it shows that there's two different sides to this whole human existence thing. Depends how you look at atheism and religion and whatnot. I look at things too much. Go off and sit on the dock and smoke and go into my mind too much. Quiet people are seriously fucked up, at least I am. Tonight I stole a book from the hotel and met a Jewish guy named Matt who talked to us for a long time and liked asking deeper questions and I took a bath and choked on the water. I don't know how to be human obviously. I'm trying my best, which is what makes me so mad. I have this weird complex where I think everyone either hates me or thinks I'm really weak for being sad. It makes it hard to express emotion. But I am trying my best and when I seem neutral on top, I am probably being ripped apart on the inside by crippling emptiness. Dramatic, but it's true. It sucks to always have to hide this, but what's the other option? Be like I was, isolated, always a downer, no friends, never being myself really? I need to at least try to get out there and meet people and make the best of my life. I can't go to the grave thinking I wasted any years. I am not wasting any more time on my depression, but I need to find serious solutions. Sometimes it makes it hard to go to school or hold down a job or make friends or even answer the smallest questions. Sometimes talking feels like being stabbed. Sometimes I just look at everything and everyone and realize it goes beyond feeling small in an infinite abyss, it comes down to the fact that I can't even begin to think of those terms. My mind isn't ready to accept them. My mind is a dark, dark, dark, dark, dingy place. It's the basement of an abandoned murder house. It's a piece of rat shit in a gutter. I'm so afraid of it, my mind. I know if I take drugs and see myself, I will just die of fear. I will do that before I croak. LSD, shrooms, MDMA. Done: weed, DXM. I guess I just want to put myself through everything and see how I come out. It may be extremely stupid, and so many people say, there are some mistakes you just SHOULDN'T make. I agree, but there's this side of me that's so selfish and fucked up and hidden. Freud would have creamed his pants for me. Fuck. What else can I say? I continue to learn, fill up my head with more stuff, forever stuff it full. I need acceptance, I need to be reminded that I'm loved and supported. Some people don't do that with words and I need to respect and understand that. I need to expand my mind to see that. I guess with Jenna she was always so vocal about how she felt, her appreciation and friendship. Other people aren't, you have to catch it in their actions. It's interesting now to watch religious stuff because I used to be very into that with the novenas and the retreats and the adorations, but now I see it like a third person. I try hard not to adopt the hateful attitude like "Oh it's all so fake" but I also try not to say, "It must be real!" I sound so unintelligent right now. I need to read more. HERES MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

-Go to that house with Zach again for funsies.

-Go camping with friends.

-Maybe one day actually make a friend group. FML.

-Get married in an abandoned house, camp there for my honeymoon, then restore the house. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

-Go to NYC with someone I am madly in love with and spend a week there, tour Oheka Castle and get some champagne, make love, mad love!

-Do those drugs.

-Don't die.

-Love.

-Watch the sunset with somebody, talk the whole night, then watch the sunrise.

My family is knocking. I must answer the door now. More later.

More/Sea

To the sea, the sea of love.

Life feels too strange now that I'm on meds and I've realized I can be whoever I want and some people will accept me. I feel empty, sometimes happy. As always, I HATE loving someone. Nobody tells you that it's this hard. I need to tell him this. I will, on that day we hang out for a while. I want to kiss him. I forgot how wonderful he was, and how awful. I feel like I need his personality in my life, I need to know there will be someone who will talk me down, or not, or just be quiet and not understand and just see how I suffer but doesn't tell me to join clubs or exercise or quit smoking, he just sits and holds my hand or puts on the TV while I hide my face in the pillows and cry, my legs across his lap. I know I will think about this until the day I tell him. So I better soon. Then I'll go to university and maybe make lots of friends and work at Starbucks and meet a nice boy who does lots of club drugs. Are there other people out there like Ryan? I remember first meeting him, thinking he smiled too much and was too funny and good and had too many leadership qualities and I didn't like him and his happy little face and silly little ways. Then I learned more, and he grew on me. The minute we became friends, we became honest with each other. I hope he hasn't friendzoned me. And if he has, if he tells me I have no chance whatsoever with him, then I'll ask for a kiss, and I'll move on. I'll still be his friend, though. But I'll move on. Not that I'm not looking right now. I like that I can sometimes maybe make him smile. I like that he's practical, but I also hate it a LOT. I don't know. What am I even talking about. Tomorrow I spend a day in Chicago by myself. I plan on smoking a lot of cigarettes, going to Millenium Park, walking around, trying to be interested in life. Eating good food for sure. I wanna get off my meds. I wanna tell Ryan how empty I feel now that I'm 19 and still alive and free from religion. Fuck what people say about religion freeing you: all it ever did was fuck me up with weird thoughts. Will I ever be okay? I want a day in the sun. I want sex. I want to be scared to death. I want MDMA. I want New York City. I want to jump in a freezing lake, naked, and feel something. I'm getting off these meds now. I need to be happy again.

Monster

I'm friends with the monster.

I think about it sometimes, objectively. Like an expert in her field, but never that affected by anything. I think about what I'll write down for it to make any sense later, then when I do, it's gone. Tricky. It's hard to describe. There's so many types, too. The easiest ones to recall are the most dramatic. There will be times when my self-hatred is unbearable, a giant looming oversight riding alongside me in the car. I look up to the sky (when this happens is nearly the only time I ever pray anymore) and I ask that if there's a God up there, that he please come down for just a second and take away that feeling. It's horrible, eternal in the moment, inconsolable. Those words don't even begin to speak to the horrors of that stage. It's like I stare into space, but inside my head there's a million buzzing little monsters  killing my insides. A self-hatred with no reason, that drives me to kill myself, cut my flesh, do anything to take away the shame of being human.

Generally, it's an uphill battle to not fall apart. Every second needs to be filled, planned, or else I know I'll break. I jump from one bad habit to the next to supply just enough pain and stupidity to keep myself on track with self-destruction. OCD tendencies, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, love, pain, lateness, stupidity, intelligence, anything to take away the underlying emptiness of the human condition. There's a big gap in my soul, a dark void that was dug out when I was very little. It compels me towards the edge of perfection and assurance, it kills me with every word I say. I have found nothing to take it away but one thing: mad, true, crazy love. I was in love once, for a long time. Many months. A year. It isn't that long when I think on it, but it seemed forever, because it was so strong. It ripped me apart, turned me into a different person. A love that destroys, changes, survives beyond all. That's the love I had, and I hope to have it again some day. It took away the feelings for once in my life, and I felt for the first time in 18 years that things were going to be okay for me. Then of course it went wrong and I turned much worse, but I'm forever grateful to have felt that. I love somebody now, but he is all wrong for me. What else is new?

I lose interest in everything. The moon is a cotton ball, the stars are dust. Even friendship is lonesome. The cigarettes taste blank, the music is always quiet. Work is bullshit. School, unnecessary. Human interaction? Avoidable. Food is a chore, showering stops. No cleaning, no changing my clothes, no taking care of myself. I won't eat until I feel ill or dizzy or both. It's not intentional, I just forget to take care of myself. It seems pointless, no not even that important as pointless. It's less than pointless. It just falls completely out of my priorities. It's replaced with a dull buzz to keep on with nothing, until I can hit a high or find someone to pull me out. That phase frightens me. I've found what best gets me out of it is DXM, alcohol, drugs, a car crash, running away. I push the feeling until it's too much, then I act the opposite, and everyone around me flashes their head back at me: where did I go?

The meds don't help. Therapy is painful. Hope leaves me completely. I place my hope in a person, a thought, a plan, a blade, a bottle of cough medicine, a notebook. I transfer it around my little world, my little life, and it never really settles. I will always be on the move, in and out of phases, in and out of your life. I cannot be caught or settled down. Something, a chain link fence, stands between me and everyone else. I can see them, the metal cuts my fingers to the bone as they play, but I stand on my own side, sandy white beach, black waves kissing my heels.

Somedays it's like a cloud. Descends on me the moment I wake up, a fog and I know it. I lay in bed for it to go away, but it doesn't. Upon impact with the real air, with another person, headaches begin. Anxiety courses into my bloodstream. I quiet down, shut myself down. I can't go to the store, can't go outside, not alone anyways, I need supervision. In the nighttime I quietly cut my skin open and watch the beautiful reds flow down my arm. It brings me nothing usually, but there is sometimes an after-effect of health. I love the lines on my arm. They're so straight, perfect, like sheet music. They look right on me. I dream about them. Sometimes I can see the fat and the flesh and meat underneath the skin, a pearly pink matter that leaves pretty pink ovals. Those are my favorite.

Other days it comes out as anger. I don't feel the anger, I only see it pass before my eyes as I hurt the person I love most. Hours of pain, I don't know how to make it go away. I hurt the world as best I can. I scheme, manipulate. But I never pull out the worst tricks. I know that if I do, then I'm truly just a bad person. As long as I don't do that, I am mentally ill only, not evil. I cannot be evil.

For Pitseleh With Love

The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last.

I fucking love you. I miss you. I'm so scared to say it, but I need you. Not as a friend, not as a boyfriend, not as any of that. Just as a person. Just as you. Every memory I have of you makes me appreciate you more... I wish I could capture it all into a simple album or something tangible, because the memories flash by so fast and I want them to stand still for a bit. I remember your face in the mirror when I hid mine behind my hands, I remember the freckles on your shoulders, the way you were trying to be dignified on our walk back to the car, the way things seem okay now, even a bit. It's not perfect, I'm not cured, but I'm glad for a bit of goodness. I hope I don't scare you with what I say, but yes, I'm okay. I remember that night after I took all that shit and drove to Ian's and slept in your bed and how you kept talking and saying stuff in the dark and I was so so so so so happy every time you said another thing and it sparked another bit of conversation, even though I had to be up at 6:30 am for work and I think we went to bed at around 4:30 that night. I remember that the last thing you said was something about not saying "sorry" so much, but to start saying "thank you." That it might change my perspective. That's something I want to remember. Thank you not sorry. I think I said something like "Thank you for caring for me and being there for me. I will try to do that more often." I knew from the tone of my voice that I didn't sound sincere, maybe it was the cough syrup, maybe I was so sleepy. You said something like, "I mean it." And I said, "I know. I mean it too. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I do. I mean everything I say." Then you rolled over and we fell asleep at some point, I woke up soon, you walked me to my car, gave me a long hug, and I went to work. That night when we got to your house, you made me a sandwich and brought me a glass of almond milk because you know I like it, I didn't even ask for it. You made me eat the sandwich every time you heard my stomach growl. You asked if I wanted to watch a prison show, because you know those helped me go to sleep. Remember that other time, that night we went to the play? How I went off to smoke cigarettes in the woods by the lake, I was crying so hard. You had told me you couldn't hold my hand anymore. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck don't you realize how good you are? You're the first person my age I would ever begin to consider a man. I remember the first time I noticed you, in ASL class, playing that "Elephant" game, or maybe it was the time you fingerspelled your name fastest out of everyone. I remember thinking you were very cute, but I could never have you in my life. I remember when you slid next to me in Melanie's car and I didn't know what to do. I remember when I thought you were an asshole because you had flirted with me that night and at the end you told me you had plans with your friends. I remember driving in your '76 BMW, and that kid waved at us. I remember when you cut my nail with your knife and you were holding my hand and I said, "OW!" just to make you think you'd cut me. I remember when I stole your knife and told you I wouldn't give it back and you grabbed it from me and said it was a part of you. I remember when you taught me to snort stuff. I remember all the times you've Wikipedia'ed whatever we were talking about. I remember the one time I made you laugh, and the one time I laughed when I was on Tumblr and you were in the kitchen fixing me tea. I remember you pulling my shirt up, me wrapping my legs around you, just in your briefs, saying, "We're just friends right?" and I laughed. I like reading things you write, I like talking about books with you, I like listening to music with you, I like putting my legs on your lap, and you put your arms on my legs, and we watch something on Netflix. I like when you drive so fast I think we'll crash, when the music's so loud we can't talk, my face in the wind, you thinking you're cool or better than everyone, you call everyone in your class an idiot, less than you, and then I mention someone and you said, "No not them." Maybe one day we'll be together, but I doubt it. With things like this, you can't get too hopeful or you ruin them. I learned that with Zach. So I'll just enjoy our friendship and the love you show me. I'll try to better myself, I'll work on what I'm going through, I'll work hard and be good and ask strangers how their day is going because that's how I carry on. I know I won't have you forever, but I'm so glad I do now.

New

I fucking hate you, but I love you.

Don't fuck with me. I will not put up with it. I will get back, always. Clean that up, bitch.

The Perfect Moon Tonight

He turned your way and saw something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end.

After work I drove down to the Brushy Creek Lake and sat on the fishing pier, like I like to do a lot. It was sunset, and kind of cold. I smoked a cigarette on the pier and listened to Orange Sky and stared at the almost still navy water and the little reflection of the moon. I love Ryan. I love him, I love him, I love him.

I love myself, too.

I need to focus on myself. I am so scared of feeling okay. It's absolutely terrifying. I need imperfection. I REALLY do. It's what keeps me turning. I need the cigarettes, the DXM, the tears, the problems. But I want to learn how to balance them. What do I really want, more than anything? Right now, I want to be good. I want to make the people around me proud to know me. I want to be proud of myself. I need to analyze what I do and see if it's benefiting me but also remember: you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to do perfect things. Life doesn't need to be perfect. Ten years I need to sort through.

That night when I took over half a bottle of NyQuil and a swig of rubbing alcohol (that is so lame), I considered for a second, "What if I don't wake up?" It was a sad thought, because I didn't want to kill myself that night. I only wanted to get high. But after I drank it, I thought, what if my liver gets impaired and I fall into a coma in my sleep? What if this is the last time I'm awake? I thought about writing a note to my parents, just saying that if they found me dead that morning, that I wanted them and possibly all my close friends to read everything in my diaries and everything I've ever written. I wanted them to go through my room and find every secret I keep. I think that after I die, I want everyone to know everything about me. Like I'm opening up. Maybe I'm too scared to face the truth in life, so I will wait for it to come out in death. I still think it's healthy to keep secrets.

Robotripping

And the peaches and the mangoes that you could sell for me.

Drank half a bottle of NyQuil last night, finished it off with a small shot of rubbing alcohol (not recommended if you'd like to keep your esophagus lining intact), and waited for it to kick in. Unfortunately, it mainly kicked in once I woke up at 6 am and had to be at work by 7. I was robotripping my way through 75% of my shift, completely out of it. It took every last ounce of mental energy just to appear "normal." I told my assistant manager that I was just very tired because I had been in last night, but I know I seemed a bit off. I kept forgetting random things, could barely focus, kept slurring my words. I actually had a lady ask me if I was okay... I was sitting outside, 8 am, taking my break. It was so lovely. I was still tripping, so I went out and smoked a cigarette and laid down on the empty sidewalk. Some lady drove up to the sidewalk and was like "Are you okay?!" I was like "Yeah I'm just sleepy..." She said, "Isn't that kind of a cold place to sleep?" I said, "Yeah it's okay I work here." Ugh. Why. So yeah, robotripping was cool, I felt so high, but it sucked because I was working. If only I had had the day off, I coulda sat in bed and listened to music and trippy videos, but no I had to waste the high on work! I think that shit is bad, though. Next time I'll go for straight Robitussin, not NyQuil. That has all the acetaminophen shit that is hell for your liver and body. I feel very very sleepy now, even though I slept 2-3 hours once I got home from work. It's weird because I do want to get better. I don't want to be taking these drugs to fill an emptiness. I want to be taking them to experiment and have fun and have new experiences. I don't think taking a bunch of drugs because you're sad or feel empty is good. Last night would not have been that bad, I just had to think it out better. Now I understand what Ryan said about not being able to be alone and sober. He's scared of his own mind, and so am I. I understand now so much. There's stupid NyQuil stains on my sheets. What bullshit. I will get into DBT though. I still want to try LSD, shrooms, MDMA, PCP, ketamine, and salvia. That's it. I've tried DXM, it's pretty good. Just be smart about it, kids. Being stupid with drugs is both not fun and can be life-destructive. Guess I learned my lesson. NO DRUGS THE NIGHT BEFORE WORK!!! EVER!! New life rule. Oh and no more rubbing alcohol. That's disgusting.

See You Dance Again

I'm still in love with you.

I feel better after tussin'. I have had some good insights: the importance of proper conduct, of politeness, kind words, being a good person. This world would go to complete SHIT if people didn't even try. I can easily get wrapped up in the depression and selfishness, but I can't afford that, emotionally. I must do what I can. I can work hard, be dependable, be good to my friends and family and strangers. I can work on improving myself so I don't worry my family and friends. And for myself, too. It hurts me to think that I cause other people worry or strife. I don't want to be a problem in people's lives: I want them to enjoy my company, learn from me, benefit from my presence in their life. I want to help others grow. I especially want to help others who struggle with what I've had to struggle with (and continue to struggle with). It's extremely difficult and painful and it can feel hopeless at times. But I need to tell people that there's hope. It's too easy to be bad. I don't want to be. I desperately want to be good, and I thank whatever god there is for that yearning in my heart. It gives me hope that I can one day be so much better. As of right now, my little actions and words determine it. I try to do good in this world in the ways I can. Improve this shithole. Make people smile. Make them laugh. (Once again, I pick up others' habits. I think I subconsciously absorbed that from Ryan, and thank god I did.) I look back on the people who changed me so much, taught me: my parents, my brothers, Jenna, Robin, George, Zach, Joe, Guillermo, Ryan, Ryan J., Taylor, Lauren, Cat, my grandma, Andrea, Sofia, Zack, Rayna, the kids I worked with, so many people who touched my life. Some of them hurt me badly, some of them helped me, some did both. But I am grateful for each and every one of them, and would put them in my path again any day, no matter the damage done. The damage done is now just the lessons learned, the pain has given way to strength and wisdom. I'm okay. I'm enjoying this slight goodness for now. It's been a while since I've had this. It's so so so so so lovely to feel relatively normal. Depression is very tough, don't ever believe it isn't. It's tough and it's real. When I get into those depressive states, I literally feel another person taking over, a different self. She is irrational, and cannot listen to logic. Her only drive is complete animalistic self-destruction and crying for help, no matter the cost. This is the side of me that will call up the people I love the most and cuss them out, use every ounce of energy to make them feel like shit, only to come down and apologize so much later. This is the part of me that want to cut through veins and drive around drunk in the middle of the night just so something "exciting" can happen. This is the part of me that will go through every contact in my phone and tell herself that not one of these people are okay to call, for so many reasons. The part of me that wants so desperately to die, but is still terrified of death. The part of me that will take drugs, drink, self harm, do anything dangerous the night before an early morning shift. The part of me that will stop eating, stop sleeping, stop showering, stop keeping her room clean, stop caring about general cleanliness and manners and norms and anything at all. All that self cares about is danger and emotion and the need to fill an insatiable emptiness. It's not me; it's a completely different person who lives inside of me and builds up a wall every day, never letting the goodness touch my heart. It filters out good and only lets the bad fill her heart. I must sleep now, but remember that you feel okay again. Even if it's just for 5 minutes, you WILL. Hang in there for that sweetness, appreciate it, hang on to it, but be able to let it go comfortably if need be.

Curiosity

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost.

New answers in green, old in grey/default. It's my day off of work and I want to read that short story, clean, get homework done, and do this.

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? Possibly. I can't tell if I'm addicted at this point. I think it would suck, because I smoke them on breaks. I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? Single, but in love in a friendship-love sort of way. (So confused.) My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would believe you now. I realize that I am pretty. I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?  Still don't remember. Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? I don't know. Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? Going back to classes, seeing my ASL class again, hopefully moving up at work (ARGH!), Ryan giving me music, maybe finishing Requiem for a Dream with him, maybe shrooms haha. I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? I feel the same way. But I think now, I'd like to experience having a serious boyfriend. I want to fully be in love, although I know it will be hard. That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? Stayed in! It was my night off! I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Probably until 11:45 pm. Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? Yes. But with Ryan it's confusing. But I like him as a person a lot. I realized it I think one time driving home from his house (I was on 620) and I was filled with a sudden, strong fear of how he's the only one I've ever opened up to so much, but that it's worth it because I'm learning to trust him. He says to focus on his actions, the good, not the bad. Why can't I trust him yet? I'm getting there. But that's when I realized, because I was willing to fight that fear and still go see him. I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Homemade kombucha, mineral water, Sprite. Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No. No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? Yes. It was rushed, I felt bad. No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Maybe a couple times. Yes, a lot. 
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? At first, it's very difficult and painful. But then one day I wake up and realize I'm okay. I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? I was getting over Zach, yes. Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Sitting in my car outside Which Wich, smoking a cigarette, listening most likely to Alexi Murdoch. Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? No. I want to hold hands more with my friends! Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to. If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? I don't know. Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yeah. Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No. No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? It took place on a couch, with a bad human being. I need to kiss a good person now. No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? Very, but I am opening up a lot more to the world lately. I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes, all the time. Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? My parents, my coworkers, Lauren, etc. Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes. I am listening to "Yes." By Coldplay. Heh heh heh. Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) To feel okay again, like a did a while ago; 2) Feel more comfortable at work; 3) Be on top of my schoolwork; 4) To finish watching Requiem for a Dream; 5) To read "The Last Question." 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Okaaaay." "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Confused, restless, empty, needy, lovely, loving, different. Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? To feel g. When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? No. Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca. B. Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Probably not, he doesn't text me and I want to give him his space. Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? My depression. Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Ryan. Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Hardly, I just woke up. Yes, I got cross at my mommy. 
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? My dad, yesterday outside of the drive thru at my work. Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? I get worried about people easily. No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I don't know... I sing at work, in the shower, in my house, in my car. I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Yes, but now I try to eliminate that from my life. Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Ryan J., Ryan H., Taylor, Lauren, sometimes Cat. Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Same story! Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? Violet Hill by Coldplay. I'm getting tired of new Coldplay right now. Time for a switch! A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? I am afraid of change so much, although I know everything will be okay in the end. My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: scars. Right: nothing. Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From my mom. From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot chocolate! Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes, a lot of them are for Ryan and for my future. Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Yeah. Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? It is the only thing that keeps me living. More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? They were insanely different. I miss the feeling, the good parts. Feeling safe, mainly. But I was in a very tense place. Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Yes... I can't remember... I really like golf carts. Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES ever since Gmo. I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Zach. :-) Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Same. Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? Yes!! No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Myself. Zach, kiddingly. Ryan, kiddingly. Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? I have Gaby and Sarah-Marie. No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? I'll go when I'm in love. Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes. Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? YEAAAHHH!!! Lots of people. I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping. On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Uhh not really. I regret not kissing someone. No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes, more than one. Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Unfortunately. Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No. No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Sleep with someone else. It's nice to talk to somebody until you fall asleep. The last thing I said to Ryan before we fell asleep was "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really do mean it." I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I don't know what I'm doing. I am scared.