You Are Enough

All my life I have been called unworthy.

Sometimes it's amazing to stop and remember that there's really nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I always get in this poisonous mindset that I need to change something about myself. What I want is for somebody to come along and say this

You are beautiful. And you're beautiful because you're you. You don't need to worry anymore, because I am here, and I will love you as you are. You don't have to try anymore, because you have me. I've seen you and that's who I love, who I want to love.

Nobody has said that to me. But that will be nice to maybe hear someday. I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on the medicine. For some reason, the meds make it hard for me to find it amazing that I actually feel normal. I'm used to waiting for something to go wrong. Now I feel better. It's not over though. I need to get in to see a therapist. But I can't go through depression again. The cuts will get deeper and I'll get more afraid. That's what I am, afraid. I'm afraid of changing anything. It's like that stupid Jumbling Towers game I played... I can get higher, but it means risking everything falling. Going away to college (again)... Can I handle that? I know my parents will let me pull out if it doesn't work out. But I'd like to DO something with my life. I'd like  to be able to move on and do whatever I like, but I feel like something is holding me back. I don't understand. I'm praying more. I like singing, using my talent for God. Whoever he is... I'm confused because I don't really know what I believe or why I believe what I do. I guess I just trust my heart. It's so odd to think that all I have had to do to be better is swallow a bit of pill each night. It's too easy. I'm afraid to love God because I know that he, or somebody, is there, but that's a big thing to face. It holds me accountable. I look at people of total faith and I wonder how they can even handle it. God..... he's calling me to love him, right now. I'm sleepy, but I want to just walk with God. Just go to a beach and pray my novena and be with him, in his presence, feel him there. I'm not strong right now. I'm sleepy and confused a lot of the time. I need to make choices. But I really just want to feel, beyond stable, like I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I want to feel like I am glorious how I am, like I really am made in God's image. But people usually like to give advice. I want to look at myself how I look at other people. As beautiful, intriguing, worth following into bad places. I want to feel like I can go away from home and make a new one. What am I going to do? Who will actually love me? I know God is calling out to me that he will, he will put those words in my heart from his mouth. I run from him and look for him in the wrong boys. He's calling me to him now.

Redeemed

I am redeemed.

I am afraid to talk about God for fear that he'll go away. It's like when I like somebody, I try to stay away from them because I know it's too good to be true. But maybe that's the relationship I need to be in right now. Not with Zach, not with some other boy, but with God. I have some beautiful struggle going on right now, and I know it's hard, but it's God's plan for me. In the end, I will be better for it... It's hard right now, and I know I don't understand why a lot of times, but I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord. He blessed me with the gift of faith on July 7, 2013. I don't know why, but it's time now. I'm so personal about this, too. Who I am to others and who I am myself are two different things, but I'm sacred. I know I am. I want to get to a balance to where I can keep that privacy but also share enough to form relationships. I'm growing, and Lord knows I'll be growing until the day I die. The Lord has GREAT plans for me, but I don't know them yet. Plans for greatness and for love, for joy. Not just my joy, but to bring joy to others. My heart is not in the right place now, and I need to accept that right now. I need to accept that only God can get me to the place I want to be. It's going to hurt (and it's always going to surprise me how much), I'm going to have to be nasty and jealous and a person I don't want to be, but I am holding the hand of God. When I walk alone, I don't really. I want with Jesus. He guides my feet and now I want him to guide my heart. Lord, PLEASE keep me strong tomorrow. I will pray to you in my moments when I feel helpless. I need to know what to do, where to go. I have some roads to travel and I know it. Be with me Lord. Please.

You From Joy

No secret, no matter how nasty, can poison your voice

or keep you from  joy.

I'm praying my novena and taking what I see as signs from God. God gives me all the puzzle pieces, but it's up to me to figure it out.

So today I met an odd lady with bad teeth wearing scrubs in Starbucks. She talked loud and was friendly. She had two kids-- a daughter whose birthday was today and wore a shirt to prove it, and a baby who was born 16 days ago. She told me she liked my dress and that she was savoring that moment with her baby.

I also met Running Man. He believes in the power of God. I'd like to ask him his story. I curse my shyness everyday. 

I met Rose, who lost her dogs, CoCo and Cutie, and is travelling to California with her boy. Her feet look horrible and she smoked some Pall Malls. She listened to Andrea when she prayed over her. 

I met "Angel" who told me she was raped and didn't know anybody. I tried to get her to go to the truck so we could take her away, but the police came and I had to leave. I think she's got something wrong in her head or in her bloodstream. 

I met Alex (Ross?) who paid attention to me and asked if I knew him and who wanted to see me again. But I don't trust anybody.

I have to sleep in an hour if I want to get 8 hours of sleep. Tomorrow starts another week of work. I can't help feel that I'm never good enough or worthy enough to be doing what I'm doing. It would be easy to sit in my pity and hate myself for a while, but I have to get up, sing for a bit, then go out there with people and trust that I can be good if I be me. Too hard, too hard. If I could stop trying so hard, I'd be better.

Underneath this Hood

I wish I grew up the second I first held you.

Today was good. I slept a lot, which is good for me. I worry so much about getting hurt. I met a nice guy tonight, but I worry that when people see the real me, they will run away or think I'm lame. I always worry about that. I know that God's looking out for me and will lead me to where I must go, but sometimes it's hard to get through stuff. I don't know... I'm glad I have a job and stuff to do, I am kept busy now... I don't feel so useless. And I guess I'm getting in good with faith. I want to try whatever comes my way. I can't believe a guy actually noticed me... His name's Alex and he has long hair and a beard... He's 21 I think... Oh well, we'll see. I'm applying to UD, and I'm so scared. So scared, like I said, of getting hurt. I've been hurt I guess. I've been told I'm no good. I've been treated badly sometimes. It really sticks with you... Then you begin to fit the world into this perspective that feeds it: I'm less-than, there's something wrong with me. The novel idea I've been having lately is that there's really nothing wrong with me, but I just express myself in different ways. Hmm. It would be nice to feel good about myself for a while. Don't you think so?

Waiting for Lovely

There's something really lovely about kissing, but you gotta wait for it to be right. I'm realizing that now, listening to this song-- Our Way to Fall by Yo La Tengo.

Tomorrow's my first day at work, quite curious to see how it goes. I know I'm going through a bad time, but I really feel [finally] that I am moving on. This is my transition. I had a dream that I went to UD and it was great. I don't know... I trust God and I love him, but I don't know him. I need to stop this, all figuring it out, all this crazy, and just love God and serve him. It's sleepy time, but I'm starting to begin to almost feel okay.

Hope? Yeah. I want there to be a love out there for me, but I've got to be good for it first, too.

This Summer

You've got that seed in you.
You've got that seed in you.

Love of God has come first. But then how do you express it? For too long I've been going off of what other people say, thinking it would be so bad not to, but I need to find my own way. I really do. I guess doing that means trusting that I can make the right decisions. I need to start believing in myself, trusting that I will know what to do. I have so, so many questions, so much anxiety, so many worried thoughts, but I just need to let go and let God. Really! There's no other way to do it, I've found. So there's step 1: LET GO, LET GOD. Stop worrying, have faith! I also want to express my love of God in a way that I believe in, a way I find real. I can't have no love of God like the atheists, because that really IS sad. I do believe in a higher power, in a bigger purpose, in being part of some great scheme beyond me. I can feel that in the world, just from meeting another person. I see the beauty and complexity of people, in people. Now I just have to sort this out. Or rather, let God sort it out, let my faith sort it out, believe, love.

You Tell Me I Seem Confident

The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last.

You're too young. You're growing up.

I feel like if I went and watched Breaking Amish right now, that would be okay.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU.

That's going to be a big obstacle to overcome. Please tell me more to shush up and not hate myself. Please hug me more this summer, please be awkward and make straight faces while saying "I don't know. I guess. Maybe. Yes. No." I call you meanie and boring and sometimes I even call you an idiot, but don't you know how cool you are? Yes, okay. You freak out about little stupid things that you think will matter in the future. I know they really won't. Are you just pushing away something else? You push too much. Quit doing that, maybe then you can love. Quit it! You go around with all these girls and have crushes on them, but don't you see that I'm the only one that will be with you in the end? If you get ugly, if you act like a complete asshole, I'll tell you to stop. Because that's not who you are. I know who you are, and you're lovely. Believe me. You're not perfect, not at all close, and you hurt me so badly. Maybe I hurt you too. Who knows? It doesn't matter anymore. No more of that. Let's just try to make the other not feel so lonely. I'll try and make you laugh and you can be awkward and do what I tell you. Tell me what you hate about me, and I'll tell you. Stop worrying, love. Please stop. Don't worry about all that crap, because it's only making you into this worried old man. It's making you be mean sometimes, and you can be better. Like you said, You're above all that. You said that about me. That I'm above it. That I'm smart, but I make stupid decisions. That I'm figuring things out, and you want to see me go somewhere. Why do you want that?

"What would you do if I died?"

"I'd go to your funeral! And cry probably!"

You take everything so literally.

You trust me. Keep trusting me. Maybe one day, I'll trust you too. Right now, I really don't trust you at all. I can barely trust anyone. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. Again and again, that's what life is. PAIN.

I guess like I said, you're young. I see it come out sometimes in you, that you are a 16-year-old boy and I'm going to be 20 years old soon, no longer a teenager at all. RULE: I will now date people OLDER THAN ME ONLY. OLDER MEN. They will be mature and I won't have to work so hard on things I shouldn't have to. I want to help you be a better person, love. I want to challenge you, like you told me to do. I don't need to be challenged right now, I need to be supported. Do you think you're not good enough to be my friend? Maybe not, lol, but we shall try. I'M SO SCARED SHITLESS. For once in my life, something really really matters, and I might lose it. It only gets worse, I hear. Great. Why can't we just be there for each other, like we had wanted earlier?

Okay be like my step-brother? It sounds weird, but do it! And I'll be like your step-sister. And we can just chill out in platonic love/friendship and be there for each other when shit gets tough. We can go out on an adventure and feel okay for a few hours and forget that life really sucks. Then we can talk about what's wrong. You know you can talk to me. I feel you know it, too. I'm so glad. I'm so scared to touch you, because I miss you and I don't want to feel anything. It makes me sad and I have to talk.

Not many people get me. Not many people even want to be my friend. You do, Jenna does, Robin does, Ryan does. That's 4 people. I have 4 friends! Yay! That's roughly how many I had in sophomore year: Jenna, Bailey, Susan, Sarah. If I had to match up who's who: Jenna = Jenna. Robin = Sarah (because I feel like they're my "match", my bestie soul mate and I miss them when they leave...) Ryan = Bailey (because I don't know him too well, but I feel like I could), Zach = Susan (Because it's a friendship that's so worth it yet complicated as fuck).

So, dear man who will love me proper who is out there now looking for a woman who will love him proper,

Do words matter? I don't know. To an extent. But what really matters is that you keep talking. Don't stop, because the minute you do, things will twist around and it's not always easy to get back. Sometimes it's easier than others, but there's so much pain involved. I know about pain, and it hurts (LOL). So yes. I will love you to bits, be there for you, hold you when you cry, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Here's the real ringer: it's knowing when to leave you alone and trusting that I can push you and you won't pull away. Because it's ironic. If I HAD pushed Zach more, he wouldn't have pulled away. Now I know it, now I regret it. Life's lovely, did you know that? It's so so so so hard to believe that right now in this moment, but I think in the end it will be. It may just be the SSRI's talking, but I think one day I will feel okay for a while and that Zach will, too. I want him to feel! I can't focus on him, though. I come first. (Wow that sounds horrible...) But seriously. I'm dealing with this shit, I gotta get on my meds or whatever, get into therapy , take care of myself and be good to me. Stop saying I don't like myself. Maybe then things will fall into place. It kills me to think of Zach feeling something for somebody else, but I have to get over it. I always want the real thing and I can never let go, really. I have too much emotion, you have none. Let's get you some, me less.

But here's what really got me. We were walking over to that tunnel for a bit and you said that I was wearing eye makeup and I never do. You said you just had to mention it because it was so weird. It's funny to think you actually pay attention--maybe unintentionally--and notice these things about me. Not many people do. You don't know it yet, but you're cool.

Worse than Ever/Quiet Desperation

What made you think that he couldn't?

Here it is. I read all the posts and now I know. I am so much worse than I have ever been. I had to go off and dye my hair red and fall in love with some blonde kid and close my window forever. Why did I do that? Why did I ever grow up? I should have stayed 16 years old forever, miserable, alone, happy sitting belly down on a hard Formica counter all summer long. Now I've grown into a little infant: I need constant craving, constant something down my throat and it's warm and unattainable and sweet and horrible all in the same living moment. Now my fingers, they are just stems from a hand. They used to be their own little monsters, each so alone and isolated to create beauty. Now where am I? Back where I grew up, same window, same motifs. New boys. I've lost too many friends and it really just makes me want to go out and burn something in a trashcan. Maybe then I'll feel okay.
It's time to start wishing and stop doing.
Just sitting there all day with THOUGHTS. Words. I'll take it back, okay? I'll take the chronic nightmares, I'll take the horrible visions and terror and the awful solitude if I could just be okay again. WHO is this person? I'm infected with a ringworm and it's named Bianca. Is this who I was all along? Hiding under there, crawling beneath uncut skin and flowery brain cells?

You know the closest I maybe got to somebody understanding me?

When I called you, Zach. I had just left your house and I was heading over to Kyle's for his birthday party and when I drove away from your house, you waved at me. You looked so sweet and innocent, so, so, so, young and inexperienced. Maybe it was your new haircut. Something about you that day made me uneasy  as I drove off. I couldn't shake it. I knew that if I could call you, I'd feel better. Something strange was bubbling up in my heart, something partly sinister, partly terrible, but very, very alive and durable. [Now I know it was love.] So I pulled over, crying and hysterical, pulled over in some random neighborhood off the side of the road, got out my phone and texted you. You said I could call you that night. At Kyle's party, you were all I could think of. Then again, for five months, you were all I could think of. (That's the first time that's happened to me, ever.)

[I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS.]

When I got home, you called me and I said, "Something about this, about us, just feels so very weird. Do you know what I mean? There's just this weird feeling I have and it's very strong, about us?" You said you knew.

You knew.
You knew.
You knew.
That will fucking kill me forever. Until the day I die. My first love, who couldn't even love me back.
Gonna end tomorrow now. Today? I forgot. I will show you my scars, I will tell you that I drink, I drink, I drink, I let boys touch me and I openly and shamelessly seek out love and then push it away as soon as it gets too close. But I didn't push you away. I just had no clue what to say. I still don't.

You knew...

I'll never think I know anybody. That is the cruelest thing to do to somebody, to sit down with your morning coffee, before your lover is awake, and picture them in your mind, saying in that glorious revelation morning, "I know them." NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY. Nobody will ever know anybody. It's practically a scientific law, love. I don't know you, but I wish I did. I wish I could know everybody I hurt a little bit better.

I can choose to drink and die like everybody I hated back in college. Those fucking phonies, how I hated their lives of quiet desperation. I hated how they would seek each other out in the bars, in the dorm rooms, in the hallways. I hated them all, Wanted to see them burn.

I have no hope anymore. I stopped believing in God, I started taking SSRIs. I stopped believing in my chance at a man to love me proper, I started seeing a therapist. Darling, darling, honey. Come back, please?

It's one of those nights where I know I messed up, but it's not too late.

Do you see? I can give up on God and my future and everybody, but I will never give up on getting who I was into who I am. I was the most beautiful, real human being on this planet.

I Could See It In Your Eyes That You Hate It, Too

You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink. 

Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist.

Darling. I could see it in your eyes that you hate it, too. Good line from Good Girl. This is that same feeling I hated for the past year. The feeling of know I am going to see you, those moments before, then I see you, and then you're gone too soon and I go back to square one. One day, it's going to have to end. Will this be the last time I see you? Better question: will this be the last time I want to see you? I'm sad to see it end, but it's better than falling asleep with my wrist burning or that sinking tiny feeling that comes with every morning.

What do I have to lose anymore? 

So I'm going to ....

Do what? Read? Sit around? I'm a point in my life where my big thought is: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Stop living in high school, Bianca. It's over. Move on. Phase 2. College. Adult. Marriage? Maybe. 

I'm hungry, I know that. So I'm seeing you today. You probably don't care...: is what I tell myself. But you did text me to solidify plans? Hi, I overanalyze. But doesn't it make me cute? Won't somebody love me not DESPITE my silly flaws, but BECAUSE of them. Love me because I'm utterly confused at look at tiny things as clues, signs, anything to help. Because I'm awkward and sometimes too precise. Because I overcomplicate everything and overthink everything because I spend the majority of my life living in my head. Won't somebody come drink moonshine with me in a field, tresspass to Mt. Bennell, stay out screaming and singing until 4 AM, watch trashy TLC Breaking Amish with me, eating cookie dough, not caring about calories, somebody come play songs with me and harmonize with me and not cry at any sad movies because we're so happy in love, but only laugh at the horrible sad parts because we won't let sadness touch the other? Will you have my back when I'm wrong, not give up on me when I push so hard it's impossible to stay put? Can you waste gas with me and cruise around in my crappy car, no AC, my hair's a complete mess always because the windows are always down, stinking moldy seats from the rain getting in? Love me when it's 3 AM and I'm crying, making you take me all over town for Pepto? Love me because I'm absolutely always going to be me, this person here, and that's so much more than enough because that's all you want to do, spend your life discovering me while I discover you, creating something so novel and fragile and new that nobody can tell us it's not beautiful? 

I'll love you, I promise. But will you love me? I can never be sure, right? 

I'm a girl who loves running away. I run run run and I don't like looking back a lot. I will run from you. Can't you just love me?