what the hell did i do wrong?
how can a person try so hard and still get no where?
i wish this would all go away
just
i dont know.
why can't i just be me again?
i remember a time when i was so happy
and so carefree and people would come to me for advice
and i would just want to love
nothing more than to love
i need to fix this now
it's gotten so out of control
so so out of control...
lately the crying has been so bad. :\
i cant take it anymore...
it's like.. pain stronger than i've ever felt...
the way i'm acting, i'm going to lose everyone.
i know it.
if i mistreat everyone, they will leave me.
itsj ust like i was told:
if i expect everyone to always be there for me
to always try to cheer me up
then no one is going to want to
everyone will just leave eventually....
but i feel pretty damn alone already.
alone in my thoughts
alone in this pain...
you know?
there used to be a time
i could trust you would never leave me
never just let me fall flat on my face like that
yeah... i don't think that way anymore.
i'm aware of my faults, so why can't i fix them?
why can't i just fucking fix them...
why do i always think about it...
then nothing happens??
what am i doing??
well i cant control that at this very moment.
i guess i can start over, right?
i can always start over.
who says i can't?
the same people who say it'll be so hard for me to.
but i don't care.
i don't want to live my whole life just "accepting" that i'm this or that.
if i don't like it, i will change it.
starting where?
how?
when will i see an oppurtunty to?
i just hope it's not too late...
i just hope i haven't done enough damage.
you know.. my mind's just been so jumbled lately.
i'm like:
well maybe this isn't all my fault. why am i blaming myself for everything?
then i'm like:
of course i'd say that. i don't want it to be my fault, naturally. bianca, stop being a victim and start doing something.
so i dont know what to think...
which voice is right...?
am i a victim?
i don't feel like one... not really.
yeah sometimes i feel wrongly blamed..
but mostly i put the blame on myself.
that's probably not so good either.
but if there's no one to blame,
where does the blame go?
honestly...
sometimes i wonder where stuff you can't see goes.
like time.
time goes on, time goes fast.
but goes... where?
behind us? beside us? imprinted in our minds?
where do emotions go?
do they remain in our heart?
or do the leave us entirely?
what am i saying..
this isn't the point!!
but wow.
if i can't make you happy, who can i make happy?
you know, that's all i really ever wanted.
was to make someone happy.
to make their life change in good ways.
to be there for them always, no amtter what.
am i doing a good job of that?
because sometimes you don't seem so happy with me.
how you could be happy with me baffles me.
so i don't know.
i'm not happy with myself... haha.
i'm not happy at all right now.
right now i feel like i'm choking
i just want to lie in bed
listen to music
sit there
fall asleep
and wake up and everything is better
everything is the same:
you love me, i love you.
you won't leave me
i'm good to you.
i'm not good to you now.
it's like i'm not happy until someone is sad.
wow. that's not love.
thats selfish.
i'm selfish.
you hear that?
i'm a selfish bitch.
who isn't capable of loving anyone.
wow... i sure hope i'm just lying to myself.
but i'm not so sure.
love and happiness.
the most difficult emotions for me to actually feel.
//written 30May2009.//
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
"west is all i know," say my sun
written jan. 7, 2007
stay away, stay out.
i'll keep you under the glow of pity.
not as bright as pride,
but i'll take what i can get.
do you really want to help?
the way you say you do?
save my life by not letting me love you.
hope gets you no where,
faith leaves you blinded,
and love is the worst gift that you've taken away from me.
remember this:
"this means nothing.
these words are lifeless."
let them fall unto your tongue, and they are acid.
you're the only one who can hurt me like this.
don't say sorry, it comes out wrong.
don't say you love me, because i actually believe your lies.
stay away, stay out.
i'll keep you under the glow of pity.
not as bright as pride,
but i'll take what i can get.
do you really want to help?
the way you say you do?
save my life by not letting me love you.
hope gets you no where,
faith leaves you blinded,
and love is the worst gift that you've taken away from me.
remember this:
"this means nothing.
these words are lifeless."
let them fall unto your tongue, and they are acid.
you're the only one who can hurt me like this.
don't say sorry, it comes out wrong.
don't say you love me, because i actually believe your lies.
[second to] last breath
written 2007/2008...
every song ends
every ending needs a song.
so i'm going to need one soon.
these words mean nothing
until you match the notes
to the one i left outside your door.
read it and weep, i'm not coming back.
you're singing the wrong lines
i'm crying the wrong tears
making fools of ourselves
and promises meant to be broken.
who needs ruled when we have...
all we need is...
all we have is...
standing on the balcony
i hear it all below
where i'm going, you'll be there
but you're not. you're in the threshold.
i'll dedicate this to you: my second to last breath.
i already have plans for the last.
to the song in your heart,
good riddance, goodbye...
good times i've had, listening to your lies.
my ears are already full
i can't see what it is
it sounds like...
it must be...
but it's not you, it's me.
and has been all along.
it's too late now
i'm past the second
time for the last
here's to the song in your heart,
"sing a new song of death."
my second to last breath.
every song ends
every ending needs a song.
so i'm going to need one soon.
these words mean nothing
until you match the notes
to the one i left outside your door.
read it and weep, i'm not coming back.
you're singing the wrong lines
i'm crying the wrong tears
making fools of ourselves
and promises meant to be broken.
who needs ruled when we have...
all we need is...
all we have is...
standing on the balcony
i hear it all below
where i'm going, you'll be there
but you're not. you're in the threshold.
i'll dedicate this to you: my second to last breath.
i already have plans for the last.
to the song in your heart,
good riddance, goodbye...
good times i've had, listening to your lies.
my ears are already full
i can't see what it is
it sounds like...
it must be...
but it's not you, it's me.
and has been all along.
it's too late now
i'm past the second
time for the last
here's to the song in your heart,
"sing a new song of death."
my second to last breath.
The Morning After the Suicide
what is that in my hand?
what are these new thoughts in my head?
i don't remember...
oh... the way you said i love you.
i can't remember anything at all.
and i needed a break but what i got was...
and i wanted a heart, but what i got was yours to begin with.
wake up, look inside.
but i cannot find you there anymore.
wake up, look around.
it's just empty sounds, every word you said that remains in my head.
wake up to the morning after.
what are these new thoughts in my head?
i don't remember...
oh... the way you said i love you.
i can't remember anything at all.
and i needed a break but what i got was...
and i wanted a heart, but what i got was yours to begin with.
wake up, look inside.
but i cannot find you there anymore.
wake up, look around.
it's just empty sounds, every word you said that remains in my head.
wake up to the morning after.
Unnamed 3
left to somewhere unknown
lights like a fire burn and die.
walked in a cold glass world,
the water is my breath, how drowning.
what do you do when they've forgotten?
how can you speak in this dark?
what do you say when they walk away?
the words are on my eyes, the life in my lungs.
i need you in my veins, i need you back.
we miss you... we love you.
grey like ice, everything's dissolved.
red salt, blue bird.. sing for me.
colours are vivid and thoughts run free.
just... please.
lights like a fire burn and die.
walked in a cold glass world,
the water is my breath, how drowning.
what do you do when they've forgotten?
how can you speak in this dark?
what do you say when they walk away?
the words are on my eyes, the life in my lungs.
i need you in my veins, i need you back.
we miss you... we love you.
grey like ice, everything's dissolved.
red salt, blue bird.. sing for me.
colours are vivid and thoughts run free.
just... please.
what it is to Breathe
see who exsists in the night.
the ones who have no one to go home to.
they fill your heart with a strange ache.
as a thought, "saturday, in the wake of,"...
it's these that make you think.
remember times when you were on the edge?
the tears and heros on my broken summer,
thoughts that dared to go through my head.
the ones who have no one to go home to.
they fill your heart with a strange ache.
as a thought, "saturday, in the wake of,"...
it's these that make you think.
remember times when you were on the edge?
the tears and heros on my broken summer,
thoughts that dared to go through my head.
Broken Hearted Summer
who wants to save a lost cause?
maybe because if it proves to be of no avail, you can gloat.
and if it works out, you are left with a broken hearted summer.
all the inside jokes.
all the smiles.
all the times we exchanged "i love you"s and only one of us meant it.
this love is reciprocated into scars.
maybe we love to hurt.
maybe we just smile to lie.
but i'm sick of everything i do turn me into someone i'm not.
maybe because if it proves to be of no avail, you can gloat.
and if it works out, you are left with a broken hearted summer.
all the inside jokes.
all the smiles.
all the times we exchanged "i love you"s and only one of us meant it.
this love is reciprocated into scars.
maybe we love to hurt.
maybe we just smile to lie.
but i'm sick of everything i do turn me into someone i'm not.
sarah's december 17th
april 20th, 2008
she'll remember the day
she'll remember the way they cried
at first, you don't want to feel so numb...
but then it's all you want.
picture perfect, caught up in her moments.
picture perfect... what could go wrong?
i'm trying to get inside your head.
how could this feel?
i know you thought it was dead.
it wasn't real.
she'll remember the day
she'll remember the way they cried
at first, you don't want to feel so numb...
but then it's all you want.
picture perfect, caught up in her moments.
picture perfect... what could go wrong?
i'm trying to get inside your head.
how could this feel?
i know you thought it was dead.
it wasn't real.
our life as a leifmotif
what never was, will never be.
fingers like vines, helplessly reaching for
a peace stronger than death
a smile longer than love
what everyone wants, what no one needs...
will never be.
a flash of white, snow, grinning grim
you are foolish, you were my hope
you and i were summer...
fall came too soon, it fell into my sighs.
what almost was, will never be.
what i thought was you, it was me.
what is mine? what is yours?
i can't seem to make this real... and it never will be.
holding onto cold stares, the warmest thing i can find.
holding onto blank stares.
please don't say no.
fingers like vines, helplessly reaching for
a peace stronger than death
a smile longer than love
what everyone wants, what no one needs...
will never be.
a flash of white, snow, grinning grim
you are foolish, you were my hope
you and i were summer...
fall came too soon, it fell into my sighs.
what almost was, will never be.
what i thought was you, it was me.
what is mine? what is yours?
i can't seem to make this real... and it never will be.
holding onto cold stares, the warmest thing i can find.
holding onto blank stares.
please don't say no.
Unnamed 2
Feb. 24, 2008 10:32 pm
why did i ever smile and lean in for the kill?
was i that blind?
was i that naive?
you blamed every glance, glare, and gloat to blame myself.
strategic suicide, that's all you'll ever be.
i thought i had you with me, but your mind was on darker thoughts.
so what can i say? and they drag you away...
i'm sorry, but i think the exucutioner is right.
i could shed my tears or hide my smiles...
but then i'd be thinking of you.
why did i ever smile and lean in for the kill?
was i that blind?
was i that naive?
you blamed every glance, glare, and gloat to blame myself.
strategic suicide, that's all you'll ever be.
i thought i had you with me, but your mind was on darker thoughts.
so what can i say? and they drag you away...
i'm sorry, but i think the exucutioner is right.
i could shed my tears or hide my smiles...
but then i'd be thinking of you.
Statistics That Will Change Your Death
February 11, 2008
I noticed the gradual slipping away
into the night; i am more aware than you ever will be aware of.
i remember a whisper in my bleeding eyes:
"i lie because you can't handle the truth."
no, i can't handle the lies.
everything was golden for a bit, then quickly fades to livid grey.
the bitter aftertaste of poetic posion in my heart.
even as you're not here, i see you,
so close but too far away.
if i try a little harder, if i cry a little more, maybe you'll come back.
if i soil your good soul with my tears and droplets of silver revenge, will you come back to me?
but desperation is death, separation is life.
tainted by bruising love, i didn't see...
i was better off without you.
but can i just let go like that?
can i change from a broken "kid that didn't make it" to another shocking statistic?
can i let them hook me up to machines and let them store into my mind, but they will never touch my heart?
i am not a statistic.
i am not a lost lover.
i am not your sweet revenge.
incoherent and oh-so-profound to hide the scars.
too young, too forsaken, too claimed.
they'll all bow their heads in sugar-coated, fake sorrow, to please the mourning parents.
they'll touch my cold, dead skin and whisper a goodbye, but i hear not what comes from their mouth.
i hear the words i crave and fear.
the ones that show they cared too much to not come, but not enough to be sincere.
they'll cry their tears though they feel no regret.
"what a shame."
"such a beautiful girl."
they will mutter to their eternally healthy spouses and children, as if death is a mistake i've made.
they're right.
i am a shame, but i'm not beautiful.
i was only beautiful once, under the warm glow of love.
but someone sits in the back of the pews, far backed by shadows.
they do not cry.
they do not speak.
they do not go to my coffin.
it is a boy. his face holds the still grace of familiarity, but when i come to grasp his name, my mind chases it farther back.
as first i feel outraged.
why would he come to my funeral, and not as much shed a tear?
i study his face with the parochial eyes of suspicion.
then he breathes a word.
no, two.
i know what i am wanting to hear is tainting the truth, but i again struggle to listen.
come.
back.
then i remember who he is. the one who caused this.
"is this not what you've wanted?" i ask of him... increduosly.
"never" he speaks softly, as if his words are causing a drift between us.
"never?" i begin. "then what were the lies and the pain? were they to make me happier, that you hated me so much as to lead me down to Hells gates? you knew..."
he closed his eyes and took a painful step forward.
then he repeated never. and returned to his pew.
stunned, i remember all of it.
the medications the machines the tubes the wires the "worried" nurses.
i was wrong.
i am just another statistic for some scared, hearthbroken teenager to read about.
but i had forgotten the missing edge.
what if i had mistaken lies for the truth, which seemed too good to be true?
and i had.
so it's not his fault i will never be with him again.
that i will never hold his hand, or calm his fears, or walk beside him again.
that he will go though the rest of his years, knowing i will never feel summer's breeze of winter's darkness or fall's new beginnings again.
and all that time, he will lose hour of sleep and nightmares, thinking it's his fault.
when it had been mine all along.
now i can only sigh and think about that missing edge...
I noticed the gradual slipping away
into the night; i am more aware than you ever will be aware of.
i remember a whisper in my bleeding eyes:
"i lie because you can't handle the truth."
no, i can't handle the lies.
everything was golden for a bit, then quickly fades to livid grey.
the bitter aftertaste of poetic posion in my heart.
even as you're not here, i see you,
so close but too far away.
if i try a little harder, if i cry a little more, maybe you'll come back.
if i soil your good soul with my tears and droplets of silver revenge, will you come back to me?
but desperation is death, separation is life.
tainted by bruising love, i didn't see...
i was better off without you.
but can i just let go like that?
can i change from a broken "kid that didn't make it" to another shocking statistic?
can i let them hook me up to machines and let them store into my mind, but they will never touch my heart?
i am not a statistic.
i am not a lost lover.
i am not your sweet revenge.
incoherent and oh-so-profound to hide the scars.
too young, too forsaken, too claimed.
they'll all bow their heads in sugar-coated, fake sorrow, to please the mourning parents.
they'll touch my cold, dead skin and whisper a goodbye, but i hear not what comes from their mouth.
i hear the words i crave and fear.
the ones that show they cared too much to not come, but not enough to be sincere.
they'll cry their tears though they feel no regret.
"what a shame."
"such a beautiful girl."
they will mutter to their eternally healthy spouses and children, as if death is a mistake i've made.
they're right.
i am a shame, but i'm not beautiful.
i was only beautiful once, under the warm glow of love.
but someone sits in the back of the pews, far backed by shadows.
they do not cry.
they do not speak.
they do not go to my coffin.
it is a boy. his face holds the still grace of familiarity, but when i come to grasp his name, my mind chases it farther back.
as first i feel outraged.
why would he come to my funeral, and not as much shed a tear?
i study his face with the parochial eyes of suspicion.
then he breathes a word.
no, two.
i know what i am wanting to hear is tainting the truth, but i again struggle to listen.
come.
back.
then i remember who he is. the one who caused this.
"is this not what you've wanted?" i ask of him... increduosly.
"never" he speaks softly, as if his words are causing a drift between us.
"never?" i begin. "then what were the lies and the pain? were they to make me happier, that you hated me so much as to lead me down to Hells gates? you knew..."
he closed his eyes and took a painful step forward.
then he repeated never. and returned to his pew.
stunned, i remember all of it.
the medications the machines the tubes the wires the "worried" nurses.
i was wrong.
i am just another statistic for some scared, hearthbroken teenager to read about.
but i had forgotten the missing edge.
what if i had mistaken lies for the truth, which seemed too good to be true?
and i had.
so it's not his fault i will never be with him again.
that i will never hold his hand, or calm his fears, or walk beside him again.
that he will go though the rest of his years, knowing i will never feel summer's breeze of winter's darkness or fall's new beginnings again.
and all that time, he will lose hour of sleep and nightmares, thinking it's his fault.
when it had been mine all along.
now i can only sigh and think about that missing edge...
Who I Am
January 27, 2008
I'm the worst and best friend you'll (n)ever have.
I'll tell your secrets, but only to those you mistrust.
I'll keep them from the trusted.
I'll mix and dissect and reword things until it's all the same.
I'll cleear things up, but only when you cry blood for me.
I'll hold your hand after I've broke your heart.
I'll convince you I'm here when I really never was.
I'll hurt you when you're broken, only because it numbs you.
I am here.. but i'm not with you.
I'm the nothingness that fills your emptied soul.
I'm what you'd never thought was there.
I'm what's left, and you don't want me.
I'm what's meant for you, but I was born to bury your throat until you choke.
Who I am. Who am I?
I'm you.
I'm the worst and best friend you'll (n)ever have.
I'll tell your secrets, but only to those you mistrust.
I'll keep them from the trusted.
I'll mix and dissect and reword things until it's all the same.
I'll cleear things up, but only when you cry blood for me.
I'll hold your hand after I've broke your heart.
I'll convince you I'm here when I really never was.
I'll hurt you when you're broken, only because it numbs you.
I am here.. but i'm not with you.
I'm the nothingness that fills your emptied soul.
I'm what you'd never thought was there.
I'm what's left, and you don't want me.
I'm what's meant for you, but I was born to bury your throat until you choke.
Who I am. Who am I?
I'm you.
Unnamed 1
January 13, 2007 11:26 pm
I can pretend like it's okay
and spare myself a tear.
I can pretend like i'm loved
and... then what?
No, no one loves me.
I'm asking for a bleeding heart.
stab me until i'm gone.
please... if you leave, who will break me?
and who will save me?
no one.
who will hate me, love me, keep me safe yet kill me?
I will.
and you wil stand there and smile.
I can pretend like it's okay
and spare myself a tear.
I can pretend like i'm loved
and... then what?
No, no one loves me.
I'm asking for a bleeding heart.
stab me until i'm gone.
please... if you leave, who will break me?
and who will save me?
no one.
who will hate me, love me, keep me safe yet kill me?
I will.
and you wil stand there and smile.
i'll promise us one thing.
that i'm going to write down all my poems, no matter how stupid or unture they are.
uhm... enjoy?
uhm... enjoy?
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