How Quickly

I'll never let it push your arms no more.

I miss writing prose.

There are many things I do not want to forget about you, but can I keep this one memory, please love?

On the trampoline at night under stars Claire de Lune so loud above our heads is the moon. And your laughter is the most silent, perfect music, and I know I wrote it. That's all a heart can want, and it's cold.

This Night Could Last Forever

How many nights have I been thinking about you, wanting to hold you but knowing you would not be there?

One week and finals are OVER! And only 3 more classes left for this whole semester... AND my paper is shaping up nicely (I only have one more night of writing it, then editing!), and my Gender Studies project seems pretty simple actually. All is well. I feel kind of confident about all my exams (I only have three, haha!). All is well in my world.

Except that I miss you so.

Oh Well, Okay

Pretty much the opposite of how I feel. I'll miss you, but while I'm gone I'll think of our house. Let's always always go back there, love. I'll try to do what you do and not think about it, because it makes me sad (the being away, not the you being here). It's just nice to know there will be a day in the future when we see each other again. I look forward to that, and let's just build our own lives. If they match up one day, that's just fine. If they don't, it doesn't mean we can't be friends. Stay safe and healthy and lovely and happy while I'm away.

Thanks to be Given

Happy happy thanksgiving! What am I thankful for? In no particular order other than the one in which they came to my brain:
1) Notre Dame. For everything working out well... Things could have gone so wrong. Knowing me, yeah. But maybe someone (including myself) was looking out for me, guiding me to be successful. I'm proud of myself. I mean, look at me! I'm a pretty cool chick. Gotta admit it. ;-)
2) My parents. Although they usually annoy me to no end, I am glad they support me and love me. They're my foundation that I don't really notice or thank enough.
3) Robin. I love Huckleberry! She is my newest best friend and I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm so happy to see her every day, even when she annoys me or something.
4) Jenna. Although we don't really talk, I'm grateful for what she's taught me.
5) My whole life. It's been a great lesson so far.
6) The unexplained happiness of 7 months time. Who knows? I'll go with it.
7) My ability to reason. I love my reason and my little bit of wisdom. I cherish it. I love it more than any knowledge I could spew out, because knowledge only gets you so far. Wisdom gets you around and out.
8) Zach. I don't know why, but I love him still. I just can't shake him. I don't think I want to. I just enjoy whatever it is that is happening, although sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't.
9) The conversation we had tonight.
10) Jeannette. She makes me laugh when I don't think I can. Even though she can be mean and cuss and stuff, she's really just a sweet girl.
11) Celeste and Gracie, who challenge me.
12) Monica, for making me smile with her sense of humour similar to mine and for teaching me new things.
13) Connor, for being patient and nice and a good explorer.
14) Lauren, for her absolute wonderfulness and sweetness to the world. I am thankful, too, that she is doing better and has found a nice boy, Alex.
15) Music. Forever.
16) My health. Gotta put it on here! I can't just take it for granted. I mean, seriously. I complain and bitch about shit, but I have it so easy. I realise this and I'm not ashamed. Why be ashamed? Be grateful!
17) My pets. They're cute.
18) Feeling at home somewhere.
19) Food. Food. Food. Yum.
20) I'm looking forward to Saturday. The Beatles in film. Creepy barn. Longboarding. Elliott Smith on Vinyl. What sounds better? And with an awesome friend. Oh yeah, that sounds better.
21) Gotta admit... Spotify and Netflix. *Hipster embarrassment*
22) I love my classes (expect Theology)!

There's a lot more, but they're little things like *literature* and *Elliott Smith*... They matter, but my hand hurts. Love more.

No Coffee, No Crying, No Whiskey, No Wine

Nothing else will do.

Yeah, so I figured out I don't really want to be *that* girl. You know... Gil Da Ran in Big. That poor girl that everyone feels sorry for because her man is playing her behind her back with some slut doctor, and he hasn't even told her he loves her, or even hung out with her that much, but she is just so god damn devoted to him because she thinks the world of him and is hoping one day he will, too. Oh, Gil Da Ran... Why?

I just need to know if I'm wasting my time. Am I? I can wait, you know. I'm patient with these things. I can wait for ages, but I need to know if we're on the same page. Because I know other men will love me. I'm not being egotistic... But that's just life. I have 4 more years to meet men, men, men. Hot men, sweet men, smart men, men who will tell me that they love men. Men who will bring me flowers. And I know I sound like some cheesey chick flick, like some gross girl's day dream. I know that. I am overemphasizing here. I just don't want to be the Korean drama girl. God, no. Those are the ones me and Monica say, "Ohhh poor baby!" to. But in the fact of my mind, I know, "Good Lord, you are so loyal and truthful and STUPID. Can't you see? Be with that goofy, younger, less-attractive boy who is going to treat you well!"

Gah.

I'm sick (not really/but I should be) of always talking like this. I have a brain. I have a future. I need to god damn figure out what I like to do, get a degree, and fuck society in how crazyhappysuccesfulunconventional I shall be. I guess it's just one of those days when the world has flown into my little head and pecked out some brains. I guess I'm just speculating too much. But I need the truth. I *can* handle the truth. I can handle nothing *but* the truth. Feed me lies and I will find out and I will be so hurt. I hate being fragile, but I think I am. My friend has called me strong, but I just don't think so. Not inherently. I can appear so, but in the end of it all, I'm just a plain old girl who thinks too much, like everyone else. There was a time when I didn't want to be happy. I thought I didn't deserve happiness. What I didn't know then was that I was happy. Happy and sad go right hand in hand. Because you can either be happysad or you can be nothing. You can feel, live or can be nothing. Do nothing. Live nothing. I tried living nothing, being "content". It is like being a Zahmbie. But then I discovered that to be happy, you have to be willing to get hurt. A lot. Constantly. For months! But you will still be happy. Like tonic prolongation: you may need to throw in a dominant fifth; but toss in that little two and there's no going back. Right now I may be in a diminished seventh mode. I am feeling blue; I have since last Friday at Zahm. And that's okay. But there are rules to being blue:
1) Don't hurt anyone. Don't insult anyone to make yourself "feel better."
2) Don't be a downer. Just have fun, or try to.
3) Talk to people about it. If you want. But not obsessively.
4) Do whatever you can to solve the blueness. Don't just expect it to go away.
5) If #4 fails, then just wait it out. But again, don't just expect it to go away. It takes time.
6) Do things you like and don't give a shit.
7) Be the best person you can be.
8) Make lists. They help for some reason.
9) Continue the list even when there's no reason to, just because there's a sureness in numbers.
10) Eventually end the list though, or else you'll go madder.

It's all okay. My eyes feel a little teary and I don't know why?

Tonight, though. Tonight, tonight. Tonight I am studying. I'm not going to be like other girls and say, "Oh I am sad, I'm gonna go find a boy!" No, no honey. Hey, guess what? That makes it worse. If a boy is the problem, why involve another? Then you have two problems! Yikes! Time to go.

Something About Me

I think my biggest flaw is my loyalty. It's a flaw to me. I meet someone and I'm loyal to them forever. The only way I can stop is if they treat me awfully, drive me away, give me 12,653 reasons to leave. And even then, I press on and tell myself they'll come back. That's how it was with you, Joe. It's an awful flaw... But I guess it's just "one of my things." I am also very, very jealous. I am very crazy, too. I am weird, I am crazy, sometimes I get blue. But I hope you still mean the things you said to me, because I still mean my half. I miss that time when I was a part of your life. Now I'm so far away, and we can still talk, but I miss doing things together, living days together, spending time together. It's not the same--who can we kid? It will never be the same as it was this summer. I mean, in a way it was oddly similar when I went back. I felt the same way about and around you. I still do now. But we can't ever go back to last summer. I wish we could sometimes. Life was so simple. I could just get in my car, drive around, and know that soon I'd be hanging out with you. It didn't matter where we went or what we did, just that we were next to each other. That's really all I want. Just to be next to you. But more than anything... I'd give it up: I'd give up you liking me, being able to hold your hand, you putting your arms around me--I'd give all that loveliness up just to get to know you better. I find you fascinating. Is that so wrong? And when I'm with you, I sometimes even find myself fascinating, too. I guess you just make me feel clean. No one can do that. And if you do find someone else, which you probably will, I will be honest in saying I will be very jealous and blue at first. But like I said, I'd give it up as long as you stayed my friend. Loving someone is so hard, but it's so lovely. Only 3 1/2 weeks until I see you again! And then after that, only 3 weeks! I am still wondering why distance hasn't made me forget you? It's a phenomena I will never fully understand. Talk to me soon because I want you to, please.

I Kept It From You

Pitseleh.

Elliott, why are you so sad? Why are all of your songs so sad? Tonight on the phone you told me about some happy things, like how sometimes you can see the right person at the right time, and it just makes everything okay. I honestly think I have two hearts: selfish and loving. In selfish, I want that person to always be me who comforts you. In loving, I just want it to be anybody, anybody at all who is right for you. You may fall for someone this year. Tomorrow you may call me and say you met someone. And honestly, it would hurt a lot for a certain amount of time. I don't like to think of that. But it could happen. And if it did, I would just want you to be happy. I want both of us to be happy, but in the final, right way. We're both meant to be with somebody, and if it's different people or if it's each other--well, that's not quite up to us. I don't know yet how these things work, but I believe there's something divine in it. How can anyone who's ever been in love deny that there's a God? I know him most because I want to be good for you, for my family, for myself. We aren't best friends. I don't think (and I hope you aren't) you kid yourself that we are. How could we be? We are far from each other, and although I can tell you anything (in that good way that doesn't happen all at once. I like this better) and you tell me a lot, and we laugh and I feel comfortable... we still are not best friends. I don't feel we are. I feel that we are friends, for sure, but it's weird to say: I feel like we're companions. Like we both are traveling together. I'm not writing that to be "romantic" or whatever. I think a lot of being a girl is wanting those silly little fantasies and tricks. But that's all just perfume and roses. I don't want that. I mean, it'd be nice and all, but there's something so much deeper than that.
I just know that you're real. You're far away. But honestly, you are the best of all the good things I've seen so far. You're one of the only people I know who just wants to be good. Even me... Sometimes I don't want to be good. It's really hard. I can tell you work hard at it, even though it's not too difficult for you. You're a rarity. That's why I'm willing to work hard now. Before, I wasn't. Everyday I feel a sense of peace, crazy, happy, sad, and difficulty. But it's okay, really, it's lovely. I trust what you say. Or at least I'm trying hard to. Trust... So hard. Jealousy... Harder. I just need to take it day... by... day... I'm proud it's been over 2 weeks since I've seen you! We're patching these days together, aren't we? Soon it'll fly by into a month, then 2 months, then I get to see you, and that's the first part. Part 1 of 16! We're pretty nifty for trying this shit. (And by shit, I mean-)

Requiem for a Dream

Can we behave as companions?

Two months. Two months. A summer. Seven years. Little steps. Everything reminds me of you. Every thought leads to you. My heart is breaking. I want to be back in that day, when we were in your room and you played me "The Season". I didn't really want to hear another song--I wanted to walk to the lake like we did that crazy day--but I said yes because I love your voice and I wanted you to be happy, and I know performing makes you so happy. So you played "The Season", and the way you looked was more gorgeous than anything I've seen. Not because of you, but because of what you became in those 5 minutes. It's something no one could ever know. Not even me. It's that part of you I will never see or know, no matter how well I know you or how well you wish for me to know you. That part that is yours, love, they can never take that away. And for a moment I was in your room with it, and I couldn't understand it at all, but I felt honoured to be there on your bed. Sometimes when you play for me I want to cry. I remember when you came over to my house for the first time and played "Thinking of You" and I remember thinking God, don't make me fall for you. Stop making me fall in love with you. I tried, you know, to not fall for you. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I wonder if I could have stopped it. When I came back, I thought I'd be over you. Then I saw you, how normal you are, how sweet you are, just how you are you... It's hard to describe. But it took about 4 seconds for me to fall for you all over again, but twice as hard. I cried to Jenna about it. I've put myself through a lot because I love you. I wonder if you love me. It doesn't really matter. Because I just love you and that's all I can ever worry about. I want you next to me right now. It's only been a week and a half, and already.

Missing You

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue.

The best thing for love, if love is ever, ever to survive, is maturity. I love you and there's no doubt about that. I hopelessly love you. I want every blessing to go from me to you. I want your life to shine, brilliant. That is what I want. Everything else is quite secondary. It is very hard, missing you. So hard. But, almost like Peter says to Jesus, where would I go? If I were to give you up, sure, I'd have less to focus on and my mind would be clearer. But I am investing in you. There is so much to say about you. Life is much better when you're in love. Music is clearer, words come more easily, days are easier to "get through" when they are tough. Like you said to me last week, it is enough just knowing you are out there. You are somewhere in my world, and you are in my life now. What a blessing my life is! I am so, so, so blessed. I thank God for you. Sure, it is painful to not be with you. But I would never want to forget you. Lord, no.

No One's Gonna Love You

No one's gonna love you more than I do.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where we'll be in 4 to 7 years. That's a long stretch of time to think about for having only known each other for a few months. It's pretty crazy, isn't it? But nothing worth having ever really makes sense. All I know is that I am happier than ever when I get the chance to see you or talk to you. I am happier than ever just knowing that you're in my life. You are here now, and there's going to be really hard times ahead I know. It's going to be so hard, missing you so much. It's going to make it hard to focus, so I may have to let you go a bit. But I hope that our time apart can make us grow as individuals so that when we finally and hopefully do get to be together, we are stronger and better for it. Is it crazy that I can see a long road ahead of us? The reason I can is because we are both reasonable. I trust you, and I try to trust you. I trust that you won't throw me away; please know that I won't. Even when the days come when I want to, I won't. I'll check myself and keep you close. I don't want to ruin anything with you, ever. I'm going to look at my last relationship and see what went wrong, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that never happens with us. You make me excited for the future. I used to look at the future as something awful, something I had to fill with dead space and time, something I had to endure. Now it seems instead to be something extremely fragile and beautiful.
I am glad our families can be friends. That makes me so happy! I am happy that your sister likes me, and maybe even your other siblings. And your parents. I hope they like me too. I like them all. I will remember everything from this summer, every moment I spent with you. Each one was amazing. The first time you held me, it felt like it'd been that way for so much longer, but neither of us knew. The first time you held my hand, I felt like it wasn't the first time, but like it was something so natural that had been happening for a long time. The first time you kissed my head and we sat there together, I felt safe. If I think about it too much, I begin to cry. Not because I'm sad (though I am very sad to leave you; but I will be back!) but because I have never been happier. This is going to be hard, it's crazy, we may be crazy too, but hey, it's okay! I have horrible patience, but I will work on it for you. I will do anything for you, really. As long as it makes you happy and okay and safe. -Bianca

I Can't Believe How Dumb I Sound

If you're happy, I am too. If you're sleeping, I'm with you.
But you love someone else...

I will get to spend half of tomorrow with someone I love very much. Could life be better? No.

That Survey I Got From Lauren

You've become a part of me ever since you turned 18, love.

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? I kind of want to, but I think I could.
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? My heart is taken completely, but I'm single.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I would smile and say "Thank you!"
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?  Not that I recall, but it's possible.
5: Are you interested in anyone right now? Yes.
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week? I am looking forward to going salsa dancing (finally!), spending time with Zach, seeing everyone at school before I go, maybe going to yoga, finally cleaning my room (it is a mess!), watching Shutter Island, living out my last couple days in Austin before I leave, and meeting my roommate Jenny. :-) Life is beautiful!
7: Do you want to be single? That is an interesting question. I don't want to rush into my next relationship, because people are so important to me now. I used to just use them and disregard them, but I'm loving them now. If I am meant to be single right now, I can be.
8: Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.
9: How late did you stay up last night? Until about 1:30 am.
10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? I am currently liking someone a lot, and I got to see him today, which made me realise still how much I like him!
11: Last three things you had to drink? Water, mango orange juice, honeydew kombucha.
12: Have you pretended to like someone? No, that's awful.
13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No.
14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes, a lot. 
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? I'm over Joe and Susan and those people, but in general it is very difficult for me to get over people.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single? Yes.
17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Getting into my car to drive to the movie theatre.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Not unless you count Sufjan, haha!
19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? If I wanted to, but I don't want to.
20: What would you name your future daughter? Pianorchestra.
21: Do you miss anyone? Yes.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? No.
23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No. I don't even remember my last kiss.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? I am pretty skilled.
25: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes.
26: Who did you last see in person? Jenna!
27: Are you listening to music right now? Yes, I am listening to "Losing You" by the John Butler Trio (amazing song!).
28: What is something you currently want right now? 1) For my room to be clean; 2) To be able to speak with Zach, just for fun.
29: What is the last thing you said out lot? "Nighty night, Jenna!"
30: How is your heart lately? Happy, but taxed.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? When it rains or when I am cold, yes.
32: Are you wearing socks? Nope.
33: What do people call you? Bianca.
34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Yes, I'm about 99.9% sure because he said he'd talk to me, and he's very true to his word on stuff like that! :-)
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? Several, but luckily they are all "good" stressful.
36: Who did you last share a bed with? Whilst sleeping: Christina. Whilst sleeping all night: probably my mother. Whilst relaxing: Audrey and Zach, haha!
37: Did you do something bad today? Yes, I got cross at my mommy. 
38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday at 4:30 pm: Zach outside my car.
39: Do you get stressed out easily? No, I am chill.
40: Will you sing today? I always always sing! I could not live if I couldn't sing!
41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Too many times, yes.
42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Jenna, Lauren, or Zach.
43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes, but I wasn't injured, my mom was.
44: What are you listening to right now? A really good cover of "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey on YouTube.
45: What is wrong with you right now? My right nostril is plugged up and I am SO tired. But I am happy.
46: What is on your wrists right now? Left: nothing, ever. Right: Two Schlitterbahn wristbands and a rainbow Silly Band that turns into a clarinet.
47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? From Zach.
48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot apple cider.
49: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Yes!
50: Are you a good artist? Music, yeah.
51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than I could know.
52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? Not. A. Bit.
53: Ever been on a golf cart? Vaguely remember one time.
54: Do you have trust issues? I have a hard time believing sometimes.
55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? Yes, Zach.
56: Do you own something from Hot Topic? Some cartilage piercings, some shirts.
57: Do you use chap stick? No.
58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, my brother.
59: Do you have a little sister? No.
60: Have you ever been to New York? Yes, but only in airports and driving through.
61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes.
62: Have you hugged someone within the last week? I love hugs; of course!
63: What were you doing at midnight last night? On the laptop.
64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No.
65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes.
66: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes.
67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? No.
68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? I like company!
69: Will next Friday be a good one? I am scared.

Gratefulness

There is something no one can take away from me. What I've done and known this summer; I will forever remember it as one of the best things God gave me. I can say nothing at all but Thank You. I don't know how it happened, and it came out of nowhere. All I know is that I am happy, and I feel like this is the beginning of something so much better. I wake up looking forward to what the days hold, knowing that I have friends and I have love in my life. I am the most blessed person on Earth.
You make me want to become so much better, do you know that? Only one other person has made me feel that way, and it's not Mercutio, it's Jenna. She made, and makes, me want to be better so that I can be a good friend. You also make me want to be a better friend. You make me want to start praying to God again, for strength and knowledge of how to love you better. You make me want to treat you well and share in your happiness in a selfless way and listen to anything you need to say, and be selfless overall. It's amazing... I don't even know why. I just want to be a good person for you. You make the days a little bit brighter! I look forward to seeing you, but I will always be okay as long as I know you are okay and that a "one day" is in the future. I can wait, because I am learning to trust in this. It is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. It is also the most difficult. I mess up a lot more than I'd like to, but I know you wouldn't want me to be hard on myself, so I try not to be. I've begun to appreciate myself more as a person, too. I find that I am a good person, but I of course have flaws. You do, too. But I am more than willing to accept them and forgive them. I love finding flaws in you actually, because they make me realise that you are real, and this is real. If you were "perfect", you'd be boring. I love you for everything you are. Every last thing, the things I know and the things I still will find out, all of it: I want to know it. I am so excited! I feel like I'm at the starting line of the best race of my life, ready to run and be happy and be free. I remember once, the worst thing I ever thought, was that I wished I didn't love you. But I am glad that I do. I can't believe this is happening. I am so happy I could cry. GAH!

I Am So Happy With Life & I Thank God For My Life Now

There'll be love, love, love wherever you go!


That's what I called the mix CD I made today. It's really a great CD! It's got a nice blend of classics (Frank Sinatra, a little 90's alternative) and slow, smooth songs (Thirteen) and upbeat, silly (I Told You I Was Freaky). I drove around listening to it for an hour today. I went to Jennifer's and then down 183 then onto New Hope (a wrong turn) then somehow I ended up on Ronald Reagan and then I drove past 1431 and to Brushy Creek (my favourite way home!) but I decided to keep going until I hit Sam Bass, drove down 79 to Old Settler's and turned around, and back towards my house. Yup, a road map of my life! I'm pretty chill & happy right now. I wish I could talk to you more, but I know you're busy and that's okay. One of my worst flaws is that I get clingy... That's what ruined it with Mercutio I think. I wouldn't let him be and let him live his life. So I'm really trying hard to not be clingy. I'm just instead trying to be grateful for when we can talk. I'm figuring out more and more what real love is, and it's hard. Because it comes with all these silly selfish feelings, like that I think I should be important (more important, you know?) but in my heart, I actually don't want to play mind games. With Mercutio I did want to play mind games, I wanted him to suffer sometimes and be jealous and make him want me to stay with ultimatums. But this time, even though we're just friends, I feel so different. I don't want to play any games, and when I slip and do, I feel really bad about it. I just want you to be happy. In my heart, I'd love to spend a lot more time with you, but I want you- and know you do- to have other friends. Love is really, really hard. It's a lot of things at once, too. It's like a constant stream of realisation and sacrifice and happiness. But you know I wouldn't change anything. I don't really know how this happened, and it happened really fast, too. I know that love is incredibly crazy and doesn't make any sense. The more I realise, the more I am confused about. I think I really need to be honest with you. This hurts like all hell, having to leave and start over... Maybe I'll find something even better. It's hard to believe that, though, when I suffered for 3 years and found something good at the end. I'm pretty sure I got stuck being "The One Who Cares More." I don't mind it, not really. Every time I tell myself, "You're so silly, just stop it and move on! Don't go any further!" I remember what was said to me on my graduation day: "There is nothing more practical than falling in love." I don't know why I liked that, but I just do. So I don't stop myself. Why stop? Love isn't meant to be done halfway. And if you don't feel the same, well that's fine. I can deal with that. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever let you down. I remember that time when I think I made you feel bad (well your face looked hurt) and I just felt so terrible in that moment. Even worse than when I get upset at something in my family. It's different: I felt like a monster. I know that's harsh to myself, and it wasn't even that bad, but hurting you hurt me so much more. I don't want to ever hurt you. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want you to think I'm creepy or whatever to be in love with you. That hurts me a lot, when people think I'm creepy for something good. I know it's a weird situation, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable... I don't know what to do. It would suck if I told you this and you just thought I was weird. Sometimes I get in too deep with stuff like this (granted, I've only been through this once in my life) and I can be dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you. So that you can have something wonderful, and that that something can be me. And if it can't, then I'd like to know so I can stop bugging you. I don't know! A human heart shouldn't have to feel and choose and struggle this much all at once, but I guess that's love. I know it's going to hurt worse. It's going to get worse and better, and I'm so excited to see this. I'm excited to see you grow up (if I get the chance to, if you'd let me) and mature and fall in love with someone and become famous and be happy and be sad and experience life. I'm excited to be a part of your life; I'm glad I've met you now. You may not think much of yourself, but you are so wonderful and special. There's no one like you; no one to replace you. Life is yours, forever and now, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. I'm always here if you want me, if you need support. I can stay; I can go. It's not because I'm indifferent, but rather because I love you enough to let you have what's best for you. Yeah, listen to me. I am in way too deep. There's no getting out. UGH. Would I even want to? It's so different now from last time. I hope I don't go back into my "old ways." It'd hurt you... I warned you. How can I not hurt you? I don't want you to get attached to me if that hurts you. You're my first for a lot of these things, honestly, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I chose to love you. But that's something I can't help. That's the one choice I don't have. I mean, I think love is half choice, half not-choice. When I went away for 2 weeks, I thought that when I came back and saw you that I'd be over you. But it was even worse... The feeling hadn't gone away; it was stronger. I wondered: how did that happen? It gets stronger every day. I will tell you all of this one day, I know I will. I'm not afraid to tell you. Isn't that weird? I'm not afraid. I think I'll be nervous that you'll think I'm creepy, but that's it. It's like getting a Band Aid ripped off. It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, like you said. I will always remember that moment, always always outside your house at 11:30 with the stars and the sky and your arms around me and your hand in my hair and I'm just sobbing into your shoulder and you tell me "Everything's gonna be okay...Everything's gonna be okay..." I never believed anything more than that. Holy shit. Sholy hit. I miss ya. I hope you never read or find this. I'm pretty much an idiot for putting this shit on the Internet and hoping no one finds it, but I've dealt with worse. If you do find it, it's not like I've been posting embarrassing things about you or whatever. Sometimes I like to be out of my fucking comfort zone, man! This is just like when I left St. Mike's: I had an amazing year and made best friends, it was so much better than I thought it would have been. I think I sort-of shut myself up after that. Nah I can't do that now! I chose to go away to Indiana... My mom offered for me to stay here and stay close, but I told her, "No I have to go. If I don't, I'll always wonder if I was just being scared. I'm tired of being scared to do things." So I'm off to not be scared! Isn't that funny though... I said that before I knew you. Anyways, I should probably take a shower and take care of myself. It seems sometimes I injure myself over you... That's not positive.

My Door Is Always Open

The stars are shining through our window.
It's been a while since I stared at the stars.


These fucking Noah and the Whale music videos are inspiring me. Fuck.
It's really funny how much of life is just theoretical. I wish I was better; I wish I was perfect. Not pretty or sweet or smart, but just perfect. I don't make any sense, I know.

But I Think In Poetry

I'm not here.

I sit with them, they eat their food quietly.

They quietly and silently toss back glances.

An exchange of a deluge in a tiny movement happens

Between the parents.

One is sitting near him, her eyes are dampening with tears.

The other is a quiet, good man.

He sits with a trained, calmed tongue.

It does not sell words easily.

He keeps them in his mind, where they can tumble and turn and not cause trouble.

The boy sitting across from him is the opposite:

His mouth is a store, selling and selling the lies.

Selling and Selling pathetic excuses, pathetic complaints.

No one is buying, no one can afford to anymore anyways...

The couple is spent, so spent.

The quiet man keeps his quiet eyes fixed on his wife and this boy.

He wants so badly to turn back time until this is fixed.

It slowly rips at his heart, softened by his daughter, hardened by his son.

The wife, on the other hand, is different.

Her screams do not ring silently, but they ring in the ears.

Her emotions flood all the hearts around her, except for one.

Pitiful.

She looks at this boy, her son, she sees something to be saved.

She sees a soul worth mending.

No one else could see that, not underneath the cusses and the caged anger.

She pleads so wildly, so fruitlessly, for him to change.

But making changes will never change him.

He will make sure she is this way.

He will ensure that his mother cries helplessly at him from across the table.

He will ensure that she cries at him at night, when he is far, far away.

All I Mind's Losing You

There are things in this life I'd rather not sacrifice.

Don't you ever sometimes just want to be numb? Lately I've been feeling a lot. Good things, bad things. But it's constant, and I feel like I'm going absolutely mad. I think what I lack most is patience and trust. I need to be patient with life and with what I want. I try to be, but it still gnaws at me. The minutes pass by so slowly as I try to fill them. And trust. When people tell me important stuff, I have a hard time believing it. When I say important stuff, I'm being serious and I know I'd like people to believe me... So why can't I do it? I need a little more faith. Yes, what you say is true. There's never anything to worry about. So then why do I worry so much? What is even at stake? I don't know.

Sorry, But:

They could take or leave you, so they took you. And they left you.

Here's what I'm grateful for:
Interpol
Gotye
Being me
The Secret Garden
The Avengers
We Bought a Zoo
Jenna
People being busy
Pool
PAPA MURPHY'S
Rain
Hobos
Painful plants in my foot
Lake
Free time
620
You

The Future Is Watching Me

What does it see?


Tonight I decided to take the long way home from hanging out with Lauren. I was just about to turn into my neighbourhood when I stuck my hand out into the cool summer air and I looked out the window. Fleet Foxes were playing loud on my stereo, and I was just driving home at 11:30. I looked out the window and the stars were so bright, and you were on my mind. That's when I thought, "Life has never had so much meaning."

Frank Sinatra

There is nothing for me but to love you.

I once told my mom, "Loving something is sometimes just awful." Yes, I was right. Sometimes it is just awful. But there's so, so much to look forward to, and that's all that matters. I am happy to be at my house, and to have a plan for tomorrow (although I never know how those will end up). Mainly, I think I should run more and drink more kombucha and try to get you off of my mind. Although you are not a bad thought at all. No, I just miss you; that's all. I miss you. What's great is that there is so much time ahead of us to be friends, and I look forward to all that. There's time for phone calls and letters and talking and sharing stories. I'm looking forward to that, so much. Looking forward to years of being friends. If we just both keep up our end of the deal, then we'll be all right. Love and friendship are efforts. For now, I hope you are happy and focusing on something beautiful out on the ocean, or laughing at some joke, or just doing something good for the soul. It's hard for me to sacrifice--really hard, I am selfish--and sometimes what you say hurts me in a way no one could expect. I struggle with a lot, jealousy and selfishness and being an attention whore and confusion and getting bent out of shape and forgetting my place and saying stupid stuff, but I'm working on that, really. In the pit of my stomach, I feel something weird, like life is shifting me around. It kind of makes me want to cry, but more than anything I want to talk to you. It's a good feeling to know that I can talk to you. There's been times in my life when the person I wanted to talk to the most was the one person I couldn't take to, indefinitely. You are very wise. There's a lot I want to do still with you, adventures and memories to be had, but our time together is running short. I try not to worry about the future. I just know I will get bored of you, but I remember something you told me once (my favourite thing you told me): I just think people aren't meant to be thrown away. I've done that so many times. Thrown someone away--because I'm tired of them, because they hurt me, for dumb and smart reasons. But you're so, so right. There will come a day when I will want to throw you away, I know it because I know me. But I won't throw you away (I promise. I never promise. But I promise.) because you're a lovely person, so lovely and so good, and you deserve to be loved and kept. So loved and kept will you be! I guess if you want me to stop, I could. I don't know... It's so very complicated and simple at the same time. There's so much I want to say to you. Actually, there's not that much, but its scale is so large and I feel that it is a lot. It's really only a few questions, a couple statements, and a story. I DON'T KNOW. I'm not used to this! Forgive me. I just want you to be here right now, just to be here. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I go crazy, really. I wake up some days and I think, "Oh today I will not miss him." Then I hear a song that reminds me of you, or I even just see the sunshine in a certain way, and I miss you so suddenly. Then I wake up some days and I say, "Oh I miss him today" and I get a headache from it all, and I don't want to talk to you, but I do anyways because that's how I want it to be. Does it make sense? No, I suppose not. To me even not. I wish you were not constantly on my mind. I mean, seriously. You are always there, in there somewhere, and I can't get you out. Background, foreground, you will appear somewhere out of nowhere. I just want a moment alone, you know? Leave me alone; get out! But--to add to my wishlist of you--I wish I knew exactly what you think of me. No fluff, no polite, just the cold hard truth. And everything. Do you like me? Do you think I'm strange? Don't you ever get sick of me? Just pure honesty. I try to be honest. But I haven't been. I debate telling you. I go around humming "Moon River" and wishing you could laugh at random shit with me. I miss that: laughing with you. I miss having you in my car, eating Swedish fish, talking or being silent, waiting for red lights, wanting to waste all my gas. I miss it and it's only been a small while. I don't ever want to stop talking about you. It sucks... Whenever anyone mentions you, I smile. When you call me, I smile too wide and I think you can hear it. I don't want you to hear it. Why can't I just forget you and ... and what? I hate feeling this. I hate this feeling. No. I don't know! My God. You are a good person... I don't know! So here's basically what I want: You here. You not on my mind. You telling me the truth. That's all I want right now. I don't even want music or laughter or anything but those 3 simple things. The first is physically impossible, the second is highly unlikely (even when I sleep, I think of you. Get out!), and the third... Well, hopefully that will happen someday. Maybe I need to be honest first. I've always let others take the lead and whatnot. Maybe I should be the one to start that conversation. Hm.

If It's So, Then Let Me Know

Won't you let me walk you home from school?
Won't you let me meet you at the pool?


So many thoughts, just none for here today.

"Summer Storms"


summer storms are far and few between
far and few between
but that don't mean i could forget this day

the eastern rain is far away tonight
far away night
but that don't mean you're not on my mind

how can i help but to think of you
when the lakes are risin' and their waters are blue?
it's just what my heart wants to do.

somewhere some old lovely day
someone's cherishing the way
you look at her tonight

can you beg your heart to stop
and place me where you are
so i can be the one tonight?

REFRAIN

warm and soft,
droplets fall on our noses
droplets fall on our noses
can i be someone tonight?

back inside,
watching from the window
a soundtrack i will soon know
someone tonight
someone tonight
be someone tonight

The lakes are risin', the waters are blue
So how can i help but to be thinking of you?
It's just what my heart wants to do
It's just what my heart wants to do

"The Way We Choose to Live"

we are standing on the edge

of something so much better than 

what we're living, and

the way we choose to live

if i could find the strength to say a word

then maybe i could

be the one to end

the way we choose to live

half past noon and pockets full of sand

my health determined by your hand

but how can i break from 

the way we choose to live?

lonely now, but worse when the key turns

but still, a faint grey fire burns in the foreground

it's just the way we choose to live

counting sheep, don't count on sleep tonight

insomniacs lead calmer lives than mine

february's short but i still know

that by the time they clear the snow

i will be back to keep

the way we choose to live

So, come on night.

The Things That Keep You From Dreaming

I love you now. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough?


After putting my brain through a wormhole of experiences and new life, I've found my next biggest question: How can you tell if it's love? I mean, what determines love? I'm still figuring that out. I have a couple of examples. I have this friend, and we were great friends--circumstantially--in freshman year. It's that easy kind of friendship that could run on itself, no effort, nothing, just laughter, just agreeable smiles. But then life set in, you know, and I ended up resenting her. I ended up thinking: Is this my best friend? Is this it? I felt that way for a long time. Years. But I stuck through it, and I sat down one day with her and we talked so honestly, I didn't believe we could be humans. Now we are very close.

That's love, right there. Waking up in the same bed, next to the same man, for 14 years, hating every moment of life, only to resolve that situation with truth. And respect. At least that's what I think it is. I also think it's very, very, very painful. When it's easy, it isn't love. Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist. Right? That's how I know when I love somebody; when I actually hurt to think about them, to think of their wonders and their life. I also believe that love is a choice. I can choose to absolutely sacrifice and devote myself to someone, or I can choose to make them an acquaintance. I don't really choose to love a lot of people, because love is so difficult and I am a perfectionist when it comes to important matters.

But love is great. It hurts more than anything. I mean, it's that deep, bone splitting pain that sucks right into your heart and slips out your brain into noodles and shit and you're left with nothing at all: just a fucking shell. And then suddenly you're lifted up by an invisible hand into another dimension, lifted high into happiness again, and it just hits you and it clicks, and then it tears apart again. That's what it feels like for me, anyways.

I have a terrible mind. Can I have a new one? You see, mine leads me to the worst conclusions. But the funny thing is, even if what I worry happened did happen, I'd pursue you. Because things like this are so rare, and it's this that makes the world wonderful. I've let a lot pass me by for 3 years, and I've sat like a vegetable while a wonderful world passed in front of me, trying to wake me up. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I will fight. Forever, I will fight it. I still can't believe that I almost slipped into that thought: "This is just how it is." It's never how "it is." Life can be better, always always. I never thought that I'd cry in gratitude, but each time I sit to pray, all I can say to my God is: "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Amen." I never thought I'd get back here, or better, but I did. I made it back somehow. I know I'll slip away again, and that's okay, but it's just the tide.

So there was a small moment today when I knew I love you. I was in the shower (I seem to always have breakthroughs in the shower... How terribly inconvenient?) and I was going mad thinking about what you may have been told tonight. I was going so mad that I was willing to do anything to rectify what you may have or may not have heard. I would have driven an hour. In rain. Anything; I'd run around to find whatever it is I needed to prove anything. I'd spill out my story. Humiliating. I am humiliated every single day by my love. But that's when I knew. I was going crazy. I still am. But you know what helps? My conviction to do anything to make this right, to make this work. Do you know how rare human connection is? Do you know how many soulless lives float below the surface, never tasting love, never making contact, never? I can't be that. We shouldn't ever be that. We are so young... This is how I am making the world a better place.

But there's a fine line. Because in order for me to fully love you, I need to sacrifice. That's the hardest part--almost as hard as the pain. If you told me that you needed me to leave forever, I guess I'd have to do it. I'm still learning that part. How is it possible for my head to feel empty and full at the same time? I just know that I am utterly selfish. So selfish to love you. I wish I had the strength to say this to your face, and I probably will, one day, but not too soon. Our situation is pretty complicated, isn't it? I accept this challenge, though, and I hope it only makes life better for us both. You break my heart every day.

I'm An Awful Person

Because I'm given everything and all I want to do is hang out with my friends and play the banjo.

I'm pretty irresponsible, I know. I'm an attention whore. I don't care about anything in life but my friends, my parents, my dog, my music, my instruments, my God, and my Sufjan. But it's okay. Everything has its piece of time, and right now it is my time to be this crazy person. Later, I can be somebody else. I will be okay.

I'm supposed to have my valedictorian speech written by 9 am tomorrow so I can rehearse it, but right now I have a little bit written down. And I just want to go to school to see my underclassmen friends!! GAH. It's a beautiful time, the beginning of summer. The end of summer sucks. Because at the end of summer you're like "Holy Fuck, I have to leave my friends and go to college and not see them for MONTHS! AH!" but right now I'm just like "Yay. Let's have fun and be assholes and have fun because we have 3 months to do it!!!" And it's okay.

Sometimes it's great to be 18 years old, driving around, listening to Voxtrot on full blast, with a hipster stick in your mouth. I recommend it.

White Snow Red

I was following the pack, all swallowed in their coats.


White Winter Hymnal. Yep. Soundtrack of my past week.

I really think I am becoming one of those people. You know, those people. Those annoying people who want everything they can't have. I really think I'm like that. If there's something, or someone, I can't have, I want it. It's an awful disease, because you usually end up with nothing. The thing about me, though, is I realize I'm doing something wrong, but I don't stop it. Because it makes me so happy for a moment to believe these wonderful, impossible dreams. It only takes a year or two for disappointment to set in. But that time, it is so sweet and glorious... Believing these dreams. If only, right? Oh well. Sometimes life just plain old hurts... Like seriously hurts. Luckily, God made music, love, and friendship to help that.

I went to my first-ever funeral today. It was for a girl who was my age, who died of cancer. I went up to see her in her casket, and I never felt older. It was the first dead person I've ever seen, and she looked beautiful and alive. She looked prettier than anyone there. And that's a good thing.

The funny thing about dead stuff is that I always think it will come back. When Roxie got put down about a year ago, I held her as she died. I could literally feel the heartbeat leave her little cancerous body. As it slowed, I thought maybe some crazy miracle would bring it back to speed, normal, healthy, like nothing ever happened. When she did die, I thought she would jump back to life. I thought she was sleeping. Putting her in a garbage bag felt so wrong to me, because I thought she would wake up and be scared. It's all just wishful thinking, really. I'm just not good at dealing with permanence.

I still can't believe that Theresa is dead. I remember hearing she had cancer, then that she was close to death, then that she died. I found out that she died on my birthday. I still can't believe it. Even after a whole funeral mass, I still can't believe it.

Dreamt Last Night

I had a horrible, beautiful dream last night that I know will never come true. You were hiding in a tunnel and I found you; it was a happy moment, and you kissed me. That's when I knew it was dream and not real. Then I woke up and heard my parents arguing. You know, with all the stuff my family has been through for 10 years, I thought it'd be something serious. My brother was in jail. Or dead. Or my grandma was dead. Or something, you know? I'm the kind of person that jumps to the worst conclusions. Death or incarceration. But no, when I walked downstairs and asked, they were arguing about tile cleaners, which filled me with a mix of laughter and relief and disbelief. Tile cleaners. Really.

Ah well. There's a lot to be done today. English paper, Physics test... Well admittedly, that's it. It's not much work, but it's time consuming. I really don't know what to do with myself. I just like when I had good dreams like the one last night. Mainly my dreams involve me having to stab somebody, or somebody shooting me, or something going up in flames or down with a crash. Usually my dreams just make me want someone else's brain  for a night, just to escape the nightmares. Chronic nightmares can really mess with you, ya know.

Well, there's not much else to say. Wish me patience!

Boy Short

It's sold and bought.


I have written two songs. One is about leaving someone or something you love and have grown accustomed to. The other one is about a girl I went to school with freshman year, who is now dying. Why not me? I am a bad person. Even for saying.
I want to take all of the ugliness in the world: the cancerous cells, the crying faces, the worried women: and fill it with music.
But here's what I want to do. I want to find someone, pull them into the warm summer night, and drive endless miles until morning; just in silence.

You Make It Beautiful, Friend

You make it worth it to the end.

Today, April 2, 2012, is a momentous day. It truly is. It was a lovely day, driving through the rougher parts of my lovely state and seeing the wildflowers grow in the streets and yards of strangers. Not going to school until 11 AM. I wish I could do this everyday. If I could, I would spend everyday driving around the country, playing tennis, reading Hemingway, gardening, and conversing with my dearest friends.

I had such fun today. I don't like days where some grand, false event happens, like a school dance or a first date... The kind of days where you know you are supposed to be happy. I don't like supposing to be happy, and I don't like events that plan for a good time or a smile. Because these joys just come in life, if you have everything sorted out right and true; you don't really need school dances or first dates to be happy. Just a jig in the rain and a kiss on the palm will do.

There was a small moment today, where I smiled and the person I was smiling at had this look of confusion. Sometimes I think I smile too big, greet too happily. Look like I'm in love. I'm really not. I have a lot of good things in my heart, but also a lot of evil. The human heart is truly the harbouring home for God and the devil; the pulpit at which both preach; the stand at which both debate a side. Lord knows I've seen a lot, but there's a lot more to see.

So now I'm all alone, finishing off a day exactly how it's meant to be finished: reading French literature, listening to Sufjan Stevens, and sipping ice water. That's love and that's happiness for me now; it's enough to hold me over into adulthood.

Almost Summer

It's almost summer and almost college and almost something new. I'm not used to this, when I've seen the same 33 faces for some time. It's going to be very strange.

I don't know if I'm the only one here, but if anybody reads this, I'd appreciate an answer:

I'm a relatively hardworking person. I get all A's. I take piano lessons and do well. I am in clubs and sometimes in sports. But I just don't see myself ever having a career. When people talk about their "careers", they talk about it as if it's something wonderful, that truly brings joy to my life. The only benefit I see to a career is earning money. Am I alone here, or do other people agree: careers do not seem all that fantastic? If I had my way with life (which, Lord knows, I never will) I'd spend my life traveling, helping, doing farm work, and reading. That's it. Really.

Am I just weird?

Anyways. My dream is to become a graceful ballerina. And contemporary dancer. Wouldn't take be amazing? I don't even dance, you know, and when I do I look very robotic; but I dream of a day when I can look nice while dancing. I am too embarrassed sometimes, even at school dances where it is dark and nobody cares. Normally I don't care what people think about me, but I care what I think about myself. Yeah, it'd be really nice to dance. I hope if I ever have a little girl, she will beg me to enroll her in ballet school at age 4, because I would. I'd enroll her in the best damn ballet school in the world.

You Are The Rock

You are the one when I watch myself.

I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" by Sufjan Stevens on guitar and banjo today. That means today was good.

I don't know what much else to say.

You're the Only Good Thing

A Sun Came.

I'm reading about Belgians in the Congo.

The Loneliest Chime in the House

All I had hoped for, I kept inside your car.

I am happy. It is not elation, really, which is really just false happiness. I guess I am at peace with life for once. Today was a good day.

I don't know if you still read this, Joe, because that'd be weird. But today was fun. Then after that, I went to Jenna's house and sealed the tile thing. Then Kyle and Jenna and me went to the pool... Too cold. These 2 girls were leaving when we were getting there and they warned us it was too cold. Kyle jumped in. Jenna and I wouldn't. Then we walked to Taco Bell and saw the girls there and started talking. They were pretty nice. Kyle ate $10 worth of Taco Bell (which is a lot) and we all walked back to Jenna's house in the dark, looking at the stars and talking about religion. Very interesting. I've noticed something about Catholicism, but maybe it's just about life: I seem to have many interesting talks about faith with my friends, and it is very normal. It is also normal to not do certain things. It's hard to explain without sounding trite... But I think this may sum it up:

The most I've had this year was making a lame Christmas puzzle with Kyle and Jenna at 10 PM. I laughed so much. And I don't know why. I guess I just don't want to miss these things, and I'm happy with them. It's not some cheap happiness, but a happiness that is so small right now and I know will grow larger with time. That is the thing that sustains it: hope. Without hope, happiness is hard to find. I'm realizing there's people I truly love. I mean, honestly. I'm done taking advantage of those who love me enough to put up with me. There is a God, and he has blessed me. Of that I am sure.

I at least deserve the respect of a kiss goodbye.

Oh, Sufjan! Your music is just pure joy. I love it.

There is something else, but I can't tell what it is, really. Check #3 off of the previous list! WOO! And I guess #1 (but I mean that's more of something that will occur in May, and I can't rush it)... #4 I'm trying harder to be a better friend. I can't tell if I am. I think so. And #2 is the hardest for me. Definitely. Because she goes to my school, so I will see her later! And it will be awkward. I also want to add a #5: Hang out with Lauren. She's very cool and I LOVE people that like my kind of music. Honestly, just wonderful. Hanging out with Zack will be fun too, because he is just a nice, polite guy... You know, the kind that are hard to come by. People like that give me a sense of peace, that one day I will meet someone nice and polite and good... I think that is the most attractive quality... Well:

1) Pure goodness. This is when a guy is just good. Not sweet, not sensitive, but just good-hearted and kind. The kind of person that makes this Earth better.

2) Musical ability. Especially piano. Minus electric guitar.

3) Respectfulness. If it's not in the relationship, well shit, what is?

4) Humour. Tactful humour, not apes in tutus. Although...

5) Green eyes. Honestly. They kill me. Just like Holden Cauffield would say: They kill me.

I'm also thinking of movies I love. Honestly, most of the time I hate movies. They're awful and predictable and you can tell what emotion is trying to be evoked simply by the movie. But some movies... the story is so powerful that the music is secondary. (Another list.)

1) The Shawshank Redemption.

2) The Good Girl. Yes yes yes. Lovely. I love how tragic it is.

3 ) The Green Mile. When Dale died, I honestly wanted to just strangle Percy; because I know people like that exist.

4) Breakfast at Tiffany's.

5) The Breakfast Club. Just for the tough dude.

I also love Mrs. Otten. She is just so beautiful. I don't know what it is about her, but I want to be just like her. She is so nice and kind and pure-hearted. People like that are hard to come by. People are either rude, annoying, evil, stupid, high-and-mighty, obsequious. But Mrs. Otten is just a simple kind joy. Her laughs are genuine and her quirks are true. Mine are as fake as fakeboy. I want to be a pure, kind-hearted goodness! So badly. I do not want to be beautiful, really. I mean, I like clean hair and all... but to be beautiful? A waste, truly. To be funny? Eh. It gets old. But to be kind and pure and genuine... To make the world better. God, I just want that more than anything. I've been through the phases of wanting things. But that... That's really all there is here on Earth. I know it's true. It rings so true within my heart.

I fell in love again; drove to Chicago... We sold our clothes to the state; I don't mind.

I cannot wait to go to New York City with someone I love. To kiss the lamppost between 224th street and 225th! And get my three wishes. What would I wish for now? I think I'd wish for pure happiness for Joe, Susan, and Chris. That's really why I want to be a missionary. Really, that's what I want to do for a living. I'm scared of danger and death, but I think it'd be so wonderful. So, so wonderful. I can't wait to go to Italy and see Roma and Assisi and Hrvatska, too. Dobro jutro! Buona mattina! (In Italy and Croatia right now.) There is just so many wonderful things I haven't done. I am young and lively! Go me!

If anyone is reading this who is sad or anything close to sad, I want to say something:

Don't think it's the end here. So far from it. Even when you're on the deathbed, you can experience something moving. Life isn't over until it's absolutely over.

Well, that's all I know for know. I am young and I have a lot to learn, but I've learned a good bit in my time. I'm glad, and I thank God for my life everyday. I know that sounds so corny, and I almost regret saying it, but I do.

Hey Wait; Great Smile

Rosemary, Heaven restores you in life.

It's insane to look back on my life and see how much I've changed. It makes me melancholy that I have allowed life to push me these ways. I was not strong when life tested me, and now I am a lump of coal when I could have been so much better. I let you tear me down and hurt me, and I sat back and took it, thinking it made me better. But I wasn't ready for it. Now what do I do? I'm stuck in this place; a limbo. I guess I'm just a little tired of attempts. I lack commitment and insight. But the more I think about it, the deeper I go into those feelings, the sadder I end up in the end. That's why I guess I push it off and ignore. Not good either.

So I guess (as I've told myself millions of times before...) that it is time to take action. Dear lovely world, here is concrete proof I am trying:

1) The play. Even if I choke onstage and fail, I tried. That's enough for me.

2) Talking to Mercutio. It makes me sad a lot. I don't know what to say to people any more.

3) Talking to you. I am scared. I think you are trying to be better, and so am I. I hope you will take me in and listen. I should not be depending on that, but I am, love, please take the time. You were once lovely, not perfect, lovely but so much better. Now you are somebody that I used to know. This new person--I do not know her.

4) Being a better friend. My poor Jenna, I have mistreated the only person who actually stood by me in a horrible time. She calls me loyal, but she is an easier friend to have than me. She is loyal. And how horribly I mistreat those I love! I guess I don't know what to say a lot. I'm quiet and shy and words escape me.

So there it is. I am excited, but I remind myself to keep calm with this. Sometimes I feel tired and hurt and bored and just done with it all; but I can't give up hope. Not at this age, not in this town and in this life. It is hard, and I don't know why it is. You would take a look at me and see building blocks for happiness; I do too... But it's confusing. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh, be glad I am out of these times. But I know that not everyday will be like this. I know it. It can't be. It just cannot. There would be nobody.

I can say so much more. The things, the glue in my life that keep me going:

1) God. Prayer. Devotion to something beautiful and lovely and perfect.

2) Hope for a better tomorrow.

3) My parents and their love for me.

4) Jenna and her goodness.

5) Beautiful music.

Thank you for these things. Now I must sleep and become better.

Maybe tomorrow will suck. Maybe it will be the worst day of my life. Maybe I will cry and end up feeling like shit by 10:00 am. But I need to remember this moment, right now, 10:31 pm on Monday, February 27, 2012, and remember that at this moment, I have hope. Just that alone should be enough.