Tonight I feel defeated by beauty. I realize that I'm generally attractive: I'm not fat, I have pretty nice skin, my teeth are white, I have lovely eyes, a sizable ass and hips (#mexxxicangurlz). Really, I've been told by attractive people that I am attractive. But for as long a way I've come in self-acceptance and body image, there are still some times I wonder, "If I was prettier, if I looked like her, would this situation have played out differently?" That absolutely sucks. That's a hard part about being female. It's like a constant competition, the world tells you "Wear more makeup" "Wear less makeup" "Don't be fat" "Don't be skinny." We hear all these different messages and it just makes my head spin. Sometimes I'm so tired of it. I just want the love of a good man and some peace of mind. I'm lonely today. It's my third week here at the University and I'm just not the best at making friends. I struggle a lot with that. Things feel so boring right now: Going to class during the week, the boredom, the loneliness, the foreignness of my surroundings; then weekends consisting of working, smoking cigarettes on Taylor's porch, watching Sherlock with Ryan, snuggling with Millie, maybe seeing Lauren. I just get so lonely. I have friends, but I don't know. I get really lonely. All my life I've called myself an introvert, but I think I'm more of an extrovert now. I just always want to be talking to someone or sharing insights. I walked up to 11th St & Baylor today, where there's a beautiful graffiti park. I was too shy to stare at it, cuz some punkish looking guy was there, and also another group of guys my age. Why don't any girls go walking around? I feel so weird a lot of the time. Some guy came up to me and asked me if I knew where the mall was and I freaked out. I guess now I'll take a bus to the Co Op, buy my book, and do my fucking homework. I am lonely tonight, but tonight's not my last night on Earth.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
I Am Together We
Tired.
I don't know who I am. I want to know. I want to fearlessly be myself and be happy and feel okay in my own skin. It's gotten better in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten much worse. I feel I am so weird. I don't know how to be myself, but I can't really be anyone but myself. What a predicament. I like my coworkers and I like people being around me in that way. I don't want to be that person that just always needs to come off as a hard ass, or who always needs to be liked. I pray for Juan from the Palms on Lamar and I will keep my promises to Ryan and Ryan. I promised Ryan J. that I would always be a person he could come talk to, and I told Ryan H. that even if he calls me up in years and needs something, I'll be there. I'll always accept him. My love for that kid goes a while, but I don't know. At times I feel like a freak for loving someone. I can't see what he's thinking, but he's a kind man. He's one of a kind, truly. He deserves the best as he continues to grow.
And then there's Guillermo. He keeps messaging me. It started as "Hey I miss your face, text me!" and then "Hey have you started UT yet?" He added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying to text him and that he wants to know if I'm doing well and he still cares. What's his problem? Either he's really thirsty or he's just curious. I don't care. He made me not trust. I'm better now because of life, growth, Ryan, myself, and confidence. I remember when I worried that I'd never find someone cooler than him to hang out with. I liked drinking with him and watching movies and whatever, but I guess he had something else on his mind. It's funny to think now that I held him as the standard. He's pathetic. He wouldn't even hold me. He's the opposite of what I want in a friend and in a man. Siyonara. I remember also how in love I was with Zach (Jeff Buckley just came on Spotify). Temporary. Is there a love that lasts a bit longer out there? Like Tim and Letra? I wish I could have that. It would change me. I think everyone loves me, but the truth is that I am just so odd. I like conversing and walking around and smoking while talking and affection and thinking. I love danger, knowledge, wisdom, improvement, and calculated personalities that slip up at times. I wonder what Benji thinks about, or Valerie. They're so different from me. At least some people I can understand. I'm slightly excited for the week ahead. On Wednesday I'm going to a meeting for transfer students, which I hope is fun! I could also hang out in the lounge and play piano or study. I need to sleep a LOT this week. On Thursday I go home and hang out with Ryan for a bit, and Friday I go get my first tattoo with Zachristina. Then... I work. Weekends = work. Work = money. Money = fun. Fun = Weekends. Work = fun? No. Dee is planning a fun movie night, so I'm excited for that, too! Other than that, I need to stop avoiding all my homework. Ha, ha. Maybe Ally will text me. Maybe I'll run into some people. Maybe I'll make a friend. Who knows? This university is so big that I'll never know until I go outside my dorm room. I like being liked. I wish I didn't.
I also wish everyone just said what they were feeling. I started doing that. Okay, who gives a fuck? Everyone's different. Underneath it all, we're all just bitchy human beings who want to be accepted. We need to learn to put up with each other.
Much love, Bianca.
I don't know who I am. I want to know. I want to fearlessly be myself and be happy and feel okay in my own skin. It's gotten better in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten much worse. I feel I am so weird. I don't know how to be myself, but I can't really be anyone but myself. What a predicament. I like my coworkers and I like people being around me in that way. I don't want to be that person that just always needs to come off as a hard ass, or who always needs to be liked. I pray for Juan from the Palms on Lamar and I will keep my promises to Ryan and Ryan. I promised Ryan J. that I would always be a person he could come talk to, and I told Ryan H. that even if he calls me up in years and needs something, I'll be there. I'll always accept him. My love for that kid goes a while, but I don't know. At times I feel like a freak for loving someone. I can't see what he's thinking, but he's a kind man. He's one of a kind, truly. He deserves the best as he continues to grow.
And then there's Guillermo. He keeps messaging me. It started as "Hey I miss your face, text me!" and then "Hey have you started UT yet?" He added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying to text him and that he wants to know if I'm doing well and he still cares. What's his problem? Either he's really thirsty or he's just curious. I don't care. He made me not trust. I'm better now because of life, growth, Ryan, myself, and confidence. I remember when I worried that I'd never find someone cooler than him to hang out with. I liked drinking with him and watching movies and whatever, but I guess he had something else on his mind. It's funny to think now that I held him as the standard. He's pathetic. He wouldn't even hold me. He's the opposite of what I want in a friend and in a man. Siyonara. I remember also how in love I was with Zach (Jeff Buckley just came on Spotify). Temporary. Is there a love that lasts a bit longer out there? Like Tim and Letra? I wish I could have that. It would change me. I think everyone loves me, but the truth is that I am just so odd. I like conversing and walking around and smoking while talking and affection and thinking. I love danger, knowledge, wisdom, improvement, and calculated personalities that slip up at times. I wonder what Benji thinks about, or Valerie. They're so different from me. At least some people I can understand. I'm slightly excited for the week ahead. On Wednesday I'm going to a meeting for transfer students, which I hope is fun! I could also hang out in the lounge and play piano or study. I need to sleep a LOT this week. On Thursday I go home and hang out with Ryan for a bit, and Friday I go get my first tattoo with Zachristina. Then... I work. Weekends = work. Work = money. Money = fun. Fun = Weekends. Work = fun? No. Dee is planning a fun movie night, so I'm excited for that, too! Other than that, I need to stop avoiding all my homework. Ha, ha. Maybe Ally will text me. Maybe I'll run into some people. Maybe I'll make a friend. Who knows? This university is so big that I'll never know until I go outside my dorm room. I like being liked. I wish I didn't.
I also wish everyone just said what they were feeling. I started doing that. Okay, who gives a fuck? Everyone's different. Underneath it all, we're all just bitchy human beings who want to be accepted. We need to learn to put up with each other.
Much love, Bianca.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Everything Changes so Fast These Days
There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.
I thought a lot today. Although at work I was joking around with my coworkers and I fucking love them and I do seem to "fit in" (for the first time in a while), I was still caught up in my head. I was mainly thinking of all the improvements I need to make. I wish I was like Ryan. The way I see him, he tries to be a good guy. I try, too, to be good, but I feel like I come off as fake sometimes. I don't know. I was just very confused today. I want so badly to be myself, but that means accepting that there is badness in me. How do I battle that badness? The sad part is that in my head, I know these things so well. Cognitively, I could be very mature. But they can't grow for my heart until the time comes. So my soul is constantly waiting for another tragedy, another night out, another perfect moon, to learn the whispers in the stars.
I felt so much love today. You know I get like that. At times, I feel disconnected from every human being and like I could never care again for someone, but then other times my heart is filled with so much fondness for my friends and family. I thought about Ryan and how I just like seeing him and talking to him, telling him things that I know he'll just look at me with his straight stare and, "Mhm." That's what I need sometimes. It feels like bandages. I laughed with my mom and watching "There Will Be Blood" with my dad. After the movie I was on the couch for a bit, snuggling up with Millie, and he came over and started messing with us. I saw his face and I thought about if I had committed suicide, how he would have been now. He has such a sweetness, an okay-ness in his face. I would have taken that from him. Millie would look for me. My mom would not be the same. That woman has been through too much already. I know she could handle it, but I don't want her to. So I keep my lungs going, keep the blood surging, keep on keeping on. It's a love affair, really. Life is just a big love affair with yourself. And maybe, if you're lucky enough to find someone and mature enough to love yourself, you'll get to have a love affair with someone else, too. That's a big step, though. I give those people huge props. It's like being on store support versus being the rockstar on bar during peak. You work for it, you struggle with it, you earn it. I don't know how to not be me. But good lord I just want to be a good woman, with a little daughter, a son, a lover, parents, Tucker, a little life with big thoughts, and an everclearest view of the night sky. I know I will fall in love again. I barely put my pinky toe in. How frightening that I could feel even more. I feel like something tragic must happen, but no. Keep moving up. At least my hair smells amazing right now.
It's odd. Austin is my turf. How could I leave? I want to go to Botswana very badly. So I will work for it. I love you, big world. I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. For everyone who tries, is unsure, needs my prayer, needs a promise tonight: I love you so much.
I thought a lot today. Although at work I was joking around with my coworkers and I fucking love them and I do seem to "fit in" (for the first time in a while), I was still caught up in my head. I was mainly thinking of all the improvements I need to make. I wish I was like Ryan. The way I see him, he tries to be a good guy. I try, too, to be good, but I feel like I come off as fake sometimes. I don't know. I was just very confused today. I want so badly to be myself, but that means accepting that there is badness in me. How do I battle that badness? The sad part is that in my head, I know these things so well. Cognitively, I could be very mature. But they can't grow for my heart until the time comes. So my soul is constantly waiting for another tragedy, another night out, another perfect moon, to learn the whispers in the stars.
I felt so much love today. You know I get like that. At times, I feel disconnected from every human being and like I could never care again for someone, but then other times my heart is filled with so much fondness for my friends and family. I thought about Ryan and how I just like seeing him and talking to him, telling him things that I know he'll just look at me with his straight stare and, "Mhm." That's what I need sometimes. It feels like bandages. I laughed with my mom and watching "There Will Be Blood" with my dad. After the movie I was on the couch for a bit, snuggling up with Millie, and he came over and started messing with us. I saw his face and I thought about if I had committed suicide, how he would have been now. He has such a sweetness, an okay-ness in his face. I would have taken that from him. Millie would look for me. My mom would not be the same. That woman has been through too much already. I know she could handle it, but I don't want her to. So I keep my lungs going, keep the blood surging, keep on keeping on. It's a love affair, really. Life is just a big love affair with yourself. And maybe, if you're lucky enough to find someone and mature enough to love yourself, you'll get to have a love affair with someone else, too. That's a big step, though. I give those people huge props. It's like being on store support versus being the rockstar on bar during peak. You work for it, you struggle with it, you earn it. I don't know how to not be me. But good lord I just want to be a good woman, with a little daughter, a son, a lover, parents, Tucker, a little life with big thoughts, and an everclearest view of the night sky. I know I will fall in love again. I barely put my pinky toe in. How frightening that I could feel even more. I feel like something tragic must happen, but no. Keep moving up. At least my hair smells amazing right now.
It's odd. Austin is my turf. How could I leave? I want to go to Botswana very badly. So I will work for it. I love you, big world. I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. For everyone who tries, is unsure, needs my prayer, needs a promise tonight: I love you so much.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune :: OH MY
I want good love; I want it so bad.
I love affection. Why don't be engage in it more? Why not just, you know, put your head on a stranger's shoulder on the plane? When you're sleepy and you need a place to rest? I don't see what's so wrong with that. Maybe we'd get along better if we knew how to touch each other in a platonic manner, just admiring the skin and muscle of human life. Skin is gorgeous. I love feeling skin, and I love seeing someone's hand resting on me, moving a bit now and then, and I can see the little hairs and the shine on their nails a bit, they could tap out a beat or warm themselves, I don't care. It's weird to think that I'll be 20 years old in three and a half months. As I approach that age, I'm remembering more and more of my childhood. Little things I said that I think are cute, and at the time I felt like the smartest person on earth. I love interacting with children now. I feel like I really am leaving that phase, and it's bittersweet. I hear ages 20-29 are particularly challenging. I found 13-19 to be horrible at times. Teenage years. I'm proud I made it out of my teens alive. How the fuck did I survive? I think I died a bit on the inside for a while there, but now I'm back. I learned a lot. Beauty does not come from God. That's probably the best thing I ever learned, because it gave me more hope than anything else. I have seen people grow, and I have seen some people stay stagnant. How horribly boring, to wake up and want to be the same person each day, on the same trajectory. I want rapids, white foam in my rivers, stones to leave bruises on my knees. I want to wake up and be a new person every day, live a new life every day. I need to be everything at least once before I'm gone.
Here's the tattoos I want.
I want a solar system tattoo on either my ankle or ribcage, the golden ratio on my ribcage, left sleeve of trees and cityscape perhaps (austin...Trees... Universe), and a bold, dark circle on my right wrist filled in with an intricate portrait of the night sky/outer space.
This is what I want on my ribcage. Fuckin ace!!
Okay well perhaps it is time to study and whatnot.
I love affection. Why don't be engage in it more? Why not just, you know, put your head on a stranger's shoulder on the plane? When you're sleepy and you need a place to rest? I don't see what's so wrong with that. Maybe we'd get along better if we knew how to touch each other in a platonic manner, just admiring the skin and muscle of human life. Skin is gorgeous. I love feeling skin, and I love seeing someone's hand resting on me, moving a bit now and then, and I can see the little hairs and the shine on their nails a bit, they could tap out a beat or warm themselves, I don't care. It's weird to think that I'll be 20 years old in three and a half months. As I approach that age, I'm remembering more and more of my childhood. Little things I said that I think are cute, and at the time I felt like the smartest person on earth. I love interacting with children now. I feel like I really am leaving that phase, and it's bittersweet. I hear ages 20-29 are particularly challenging. I found 13-19 to be horrible at times. Teenage years. I'm proud I made it out of my teens alive. How the fuck did I survive? I think I died a bit on the inside for a while there, but now I'm back. I learned a lot. Beauty does not come from God. That's probably the best thing I ever learned, because it gave me more hope than anything else. I have seen people grow, and I have seen some people stay stagnant. How horribly boring, to wake up and want to be the same person each day, on the same trajectory. I want rapids, white foam in my rivers, stones to leave bruises on my knees. I want to wake up and be a new person every day, live a new life every day. I need to be everything at least once before I'm gone.
Here's the tattoos I want.
I want a solar system tattoo on either my ankle or ribcage, the golden ratio on my ribcage, left sleeve of trees and cityscape perhaps (austin...Trees... Universe), and a bold, dark circle on my right wrist filled in with an intricate portrait of the night sky/outer space.
This is what I want on my ribcage. Fuckin ace!!
Okay well perhaps it is time to study and whatnot.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Tent
Please, remember me happily, by the rose bush laughing.
I am camping in my backyard!!! I pitched a two-man tent, filled it with books and blankets and made some popcorn. Yum! It's quite nice. It's a different air. I like it. I've been thinking about Pitseleh a lot lately. I made it through a week of college quite nicely. Things are easier now. My personality is better. Tonight I closed at work with Nic and Matt. It wasn't so bad. Nic told me that he's bipolar and he's been on a lot of medicine. He says he knows that he's an asshole. He also said that he got shitfaced at the holiday party to prove a point. I dunno. I think he's got a lot of growing up to do as of yet. He probably shouldn't drink so much, if he does. It seems like alcohol is a big hit with some people. I like it, but I'm all uptight you know what I mean. I dunno. I don't even know what I mean. I like college. What I don't like is this little tickle in my throat. It's been there for a while. It's probably because I smoke, but oh well. I barely smoke at school. One cigarette a day, at most. I feel shitty smoking at school. Not sure why. But I love smoking when I'm home or at work. I'm so odd. I love me. Ha, ha.
I don't know. Life is still sometimes hard, but I feel things have gotten a lot better. It's time, really. I'm feeling better, stable on my meds, I love my job, starting school. I feel okay. I'm planning for some better stuff ahead, all in due time. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but sometimes I worry they won't happen. I want to take this tent and go cross country like my dad did. I so so so so so so so so so so so badly want to fuck a boy. I'm 19 and a virgin. Soon I will be 20 and a virgin. I'd go out and fuck some rando, but I want my first time to be important. I want to lose my virginity to someone who is memorable, who I can tell stories about, who knows how to make love, whose love is an opiate.
What else? I work tomorrow from 2-4:30. That's a very short shift.
Everything you are is everything we have.
You're the only good thing.
A sun came.
It burned our faces round, burned our faces red.
You are still the rake, the rock from the enemy.
There is still a house, a cage for the enemy.
When my friends turned out, I found out there's still a Lord.
I've never felt so lonely...
A sun came.
I am camping in my backyard!!! I pitched a two-man tent, filled it with books and blankets and made some popcorn. Yum! It's quite nice. It's a different air. I like it. I've been thinking about Pitseleh a lot lately. I made it through a week of college quite nicely. Things are easier now. My personality is better. Tonight I closed at work with Nic and Matt. It wasn't so bad. Nic told me that he's bipolar and he's been on a lot of medicine. He says he knows that he's an asshole. He also said that he got shitfaced at the holiday party to prove a point. I dunno. I think he's got a lot of growing up to do as of yet. He probably shouldn't drink so much, if he does. It seems like alcohol is a big hit with some people. I like it, but I'm all uptight you know what I mean. I dunno. I don't even know what I mean. I like college. What I don't like is this little tickle in my throat. It's been there for a while. It's probably because I smoke, but oh well. I barely smoke at school. One cigarette a day, at most. I feel shitty smoking at school. Not sure why. But I love smoking when I'm home or at work. I'm so odd. I love me. Ha, ha.
I don't know. Life is still sometimes hard, but I feel things have gotten a lot better. It's time, really. I'm feeling better, stable on my meds, I love my job, starting school. I feel okay. I'm planning for some better stuff ahead, all in due time. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but sometimes I worry they won't happen. I want to take this tent and go cross country like my dad did. I so so so so so so so so so so so badly want to fuck a boy. I'm 19 and a virgin. Soon I will be 20 and a virgin. I'd go out and fuck some rando, but I want my first time to be important. I want to lose my virginity to someone who is memorable, who I can tell stories about, who knows how to make love, whose love is an opiate.
What else? I work tomorrow from 2-4:30. That's a very short shift.
Everything you are is everything we have.
You're the only good thing.
A sun came.
It burned our faces round, burned our faces red.
You are still the rake, the rock from the enemy.
There is still a house, a cage for the enemy.
When my friends turned out, I found out there's still a Lord.
I've never felt so lonely...
A sun came.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
An Atheist
I don't know how to feel anymore.
I kind of fucking love being an atheist.
But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.
There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.
One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.
I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.
I kind of fucking love being an atheist.
But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.
There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.
One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.
I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Green Eyes, Green Eyes
YOU ARE FUCKING ADORABLE. I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
Green eyes, I'd run away with you.
Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find.
I wonder if when you grow up, you know how the light outside at 10 pm looks like the light at 4 am, but you know it's 10 pm because the air is different, the trees feel lighter and sadder and more beautiful. I think when I'm old, if I can still feel those silent changes in nature, I will be a good person. I notice a lot more now, about everyone. I sat my butt down today on the only dry spot in the back of my little strip mall, right up next to the Charming Charlie door. I was afraid an employee would open it. I also say Rayna today. She is adorable! Making friends isn't so astonishing. Remember how hard life used to be? It was impossible to get out of bed, to lift my fingers to my cigarette. I'd see blood and bullets going through my head when I closed my eyes, I'd convulse in the arms of anybody who I could trust for a night. I cannot begin to fathom the amount of goodness I've had this past 8 months. Things were so horrible, but I've learned a LOT. It was a painful journey, but I made it to this plateau. I can rest my bones for a bit, but I know there's more ahead. I'm scared, but I have some faith in myself. I made it through. I've made it through a lot of shitty times, but I'm okay. Got a few scars to show, but they are mainly exterior. Those can be covered up. I am planning my sleeve now! I'm thinking this spring.
Green eyes, I'd run away with you.
Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find.
I wonder if when you grow up, you know how the light outside at 10 pm looks like the light at 4 am, but you know it's 10 pm because the air is different, the trees feel lighter and sadder and more beautiful. I think when I'm old, if I can still feel those silent changes in nature, I will be a good person. I notice a lot more now, about everyone. I sat my butt down today on the only dry spot in the back of my little strip mall, right up next to the Charming Charlie door. I was afraid an employee would open it. I also say Rayna today. She is adorable! Making friends isn't so astonishing. Remember how hard life used to be? It was impossible to get out of bed, to lift my fingers to my cigarette. I'd see blood and bullets going through my head when I closed my eyes, I'd convulse in the arms of anybody who I could trust for a night. I cannot begin to fathom the amount of goodness I've had this past 8 months. Things were so horrible, but I've learned a LOT. It was a painful journey, but I made it to this plateau. I can rest my bones for a bit, but I know there's more ahead. I'm scared, but I have some faith in myself. I made it through. I've made it through a lot of shitty times, but I'm okay. Got a few scars to show, but they are mainly exterior. Those can be covered up. I am planning my sleeve now! I'm thinking this spring.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Strange Mercy
I'll be with you lost boys, sneaking out where the shivers won't find you.
I smiled tonight thinking about that time I went over to your house on Halloween and we ended up messing around more than usual. Even though I know it didn't feel right at the time, and I was just doing it because I was upset, I don't regret it. I've been so personal with you, mentally, emotionally, physically, every way. I've been honest and transparent with you, because you asked me to. You gave a fuck. I remember when I woke up to you kissing my face all over, and I pretended to stay asleep for a bunch longer so you'd keep doing it. It was very sweet. You're a sweet boy, even when you're imperfect and an asshole or something. I think you're very sweet, but I sometimes think you're unsure of what you really want. That's fine. We're all unsure. Just remember that some people will get hurt by you along the way, no matter how hard you try to make everyone happy. I don't want to hear anything about her, I want to hear about you. You're what matters to me. I don't want to be jealous or bad. I just want to be good to you, and I'm glad that I am so far. I ask you for favors, to drive me places when I'm high or in a bad situation, to talk to me when I need someone, to watch TV with me when I want to die. I am so glad we became friends, even if it's for a short time, (but I hope not!). I remember before I met you, I was afraid to stop being friends with Gmo because I thought I wouldn't meet anyone as good. Then I met you and you fucking blew that piece of shit out of the water. Thanks for being you <3 don="" even="" if="" love="" me.="" p="" t="" you="">
So tomorrow I must wake up, buy cigarettes, mints, gum, water, go to Starbucks and get breakfast, drive down to UT, park (WHERE--FUCK), go to orientation, figure stuff out, go home, SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!!!!!!
I smiled tonight thinking about that time I went over to your house on Halloween and we ended up messing around more than usual. Even though I know it didn't feel right at the time, and I was just doing it because I was upset, I don't regret it. I've been so personal with you, mentally, emotionally, physically, every way. I've been honest and transparent with you, because you asked me to. You gave a fuck. I remember when I woke up to you kissing my face all over, and I pretended to stay asleep for a bunch longer so you'd keep doing it. It was very sweet. You're a sweet boy, even when you're imperfect and an asshole or something. I think you're very sweet, but I sometimes think you're unsure of what you really want. That's fine. We're all unsure. Just remember that some people will get hurt by you along the way, no matter how hard you try to make everyone happy. I don't want to hear anything about her, I want to hear about you. You're what matters to me. I don't want to be jealous or bad. I just want to be good to you, and I'm glad that I am so far. I ask you for favors, to drive me places when I'm high or in a bad situation, to talk to me when I need someone, to watch TV with me when I want to die. I am so glad we became friends, even if it's for a short time, (but I hope not!). I remember before I met you, I was afraid to stop being friends with Gmo because I thought I wouldn't meet anyone as good. Then I met you and you fucking blew that piece of shit out of the water. Thanks for being you <3 don="" even="" if="" love="" me.="" p="" t="" you="">
So tomorrow I must wake up, buy cigarettes, mints, gum, water, go to Starbucks and get breakfast, drive down to UT, park (WHERE--FUCK), go to orientation, figure stuff out, go home, SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!!!!!!
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Best Fine Surgeon
Get along get along get along.
I am still feeling a bit wobbly from the other night. That stuff lasts like 24+ hours on me. Unfortunately the day ended up crazy and yeah, some things to take care of, but nothing I can't handle. I'm recovering, feeling a bit better each hour. Of course I realized some things, but I dunno if right now is the right time to say them. I don't feel any cooler. That's my last time tripping on DXM. Time to move on. I don't see the point in continuing DXM use longterm unless I'm not suffering from a mood disorder. The trip didn't bring me enough realization to be beneficial, given the severe risks. Longterm DXM use can be very serious for someone like me. I just wanted to get a feel for the trip, it was quite odd. I prefer the comedown. The actual trip was weird as shit. I will not lie and say I don't have a desire to try higher doses (I took 354mg, pretty low) to experience other plateaus, but the risk there for my health is too great. I can't quite imagine recovering from a trip that intense easily. Even recovering from this one has been tough, tougher than last time (last time I took around 150mg). The 354 dose seemed even to be too much. If I were to continue, which I doubt I will, I'd go for 150mg doses again. Easier to keep hold of your mind that way. Plus, if you have to drive or interact with people, it's not as difficult. I was able to interact fairly easily on that. The sun is coming out right now. It's quite glorious outside... I want to go back to sleep though. I went to sleep early, like 11 pm. I woke up at 6:30... Ah! My sleep schedule is fucked! Luckily I don't work until 6pm tonight. That'll give me ample time to eat, relax, figure some shit out, go to work, watch Breaking Bad and MORE!!!
I am still feeling a bit wobbly from the other night. That stuff lasts like 24+ hours on me. Unfortunately the day ended up crazy and yeah, some things to take care of, but nothing I can't handle. I'm recovering, feeling a bit better each hour. Of course I realized some things, but I dunno if right now is the right time to say them. I don't feel any cooler. That's my last time tripping on DXM. Time to move on. I don't see the point in continuing DXM use longterm unless I'm not suffering from a mood disorder. The trip didn't bring me enough realization to be beneficial, given the severe risks. Longterm DXM use can be very serious for someone like me. I just wanted to get a feel for the trip, it was quite odd. I prefer the comedown. The actual trip was weird as shit. I will not lie and say I don't have a desire to try higher doses (I took 354mg, pretty low) to experience other plateaus, but the risk there for my health is too great. I can't quite imagine recovering from a trip that intense easily. Even recovering from this one has been tough, tougher than last time (last time I took around 150mg). The 354 dose seemed even to be too much. If I were to continue, which I doubt I will, I'd go for 150mg doses again. Easier to keep hold of your mind that way. Plus, if you have to drive or interact with people, it's not as difficult. I was able to interact fairly easily on that. The sun is coming out right now. It's quite glorious outside... I want to go back to sleep though. I went to sleep early, like 11 pm. I woke up at 6:30... Ah! My sleep schedule is fucked! Luckily I don't work until 6pm tonight. That'll give me ample time to eat, relax, figure some shit out, go to work, watch Breaking Bad and MORE!!!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Okay I am very high on DXM right now. What should I say to remember this feeling and moment?
Everything is okay. The universe has you. This seems like forever, too surreal, but something is coming and it will take your mind tonight. Keep moving forward, learn more, be good. What IS life? I need to expand my brains!!! I want to do everything so well: work, school, friends, fun, self, what else. I cannot. I feel like there is soooo much more in here. Nobody sees it. How are we expected to live in this world when something was created that makes our minds like this, theres no God, but holy fuck, why would our minds have this capability? This is a large capability. I hear cars outside my window and I just DON'T KNOW. Life is an okay thing. I will live it, expire, yada yada. When did I realize how odd it is to grow old? I was going to tell somebody. Was it tonight? The problem is that when you are high, it feels like you've been this way your whole life. It's childhood. I am convinced. The universe works in a funny way sometimes WOW look at who I am now. What am I doing? I looked at myself like a little girl but I have crossed over a threshold. Its time for me to become me. I realize it. For so long I sat around, I still do, to be everything but me. But that's the rub. Who I am. Who would create such a fucked up world with so many unanswered questions? I grew up being told hey there's a god there's a god but wow, I dunno. I just like being warm. :) And I like food!! I have a banana and a Clif bar with me, it's my tripping food. Haaaahaaaaa. I am so weird. Lol. The banana feels funny like slimy. Its good though. IT IS, after all, A BANANA. Now we move to ze Clif bar (I F E E L K I N D O F L I K E E V E R Y T H I N G W I L L G E T M E I N T R O U B L E ~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) The clif bar feels big and puffy.
Everything is okay. The universe has you. This seems like forever, too surreal, but something is coming and it will take your mind tonight. Keep moving forward, learn more, be good. What IS life? I need to expand my brains!!! I want to do everything so well: work, school, friends, fun, self, what else. I cannot. I feel like there is soooo much more in here. Nobody sees it. How are we expected to live in this world when something was created that makes our minds like this, theres no God, but holy fuck, why would our minds have this capability? This is a large capability. I hear cars outside my window and I just DON'T KNOW. Life is an okay thing. I will live it, expire, yada yada. When did I realize how odd it is to grow old? I was going to tell somebody. Was it tonight? The problem is that when you are high, it feels like you've been this way your whole life. It's childhood. I am convinced. The universe works in a funny way sometimes WOW look at who I am now. What am I doing? I looked at myself like a little girl but I have crossed over a threshold. Its time for me to become me. I realize it. For so long I sat around, I still do, to be everything but me. But that's the rub. Who I am. Who would create such a fucked up world with so many unanswered questions? I grew up being told hey there's a god there's a god but wow, I dunno. I just like being warm. :) And I like food!! I have a banana and a Clif bar with me, it's my tripping food. Haaaahaaaaa. I am so weird. Lol. The banana feels funny like slimy. Its good though. IT IS, after all, A BANANA. Now we move to ze Clif bar (I F E E L K I N D O F L I K E E V E R Y T H I N G W I L L G E T M E I N T R O U B L E ~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) The clif bar feels big and puffy.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Another
Are you gonna stay the night?
I really like boys. Teehee.
I hope I fall asleep early tonight. I hope I watch something cool tonight. I hope I get my tips tonight. I hope I do something worthwhile this year.
Did I do something worthwhile in 2013?
HELL YES.
But now it's time to move on to bigger and better things. I'm thinking international. I really, really am.
I really like boys. Teehee.
I hope I fall asleep early tonight. I hope I watch something cool tonight. I hope I get my tips tonight. I hope I do something worthwhile this year.
Did I do something worthwhile in 2013?
HELL YES.
But now it's time to move on to bigger and better things. I'm thinking international. I really, really am.
Seventeen Cold Showers
Save me from what I want.
Here's the truth:
I hate the smell of my dad's New Years cooking. I hate it more than you know. It may be because of New Years 2008 when I had the stomach flu and that smell made me feel worse. I've always hated it. So much that I can barely eat the meal, and the smell in the house just kind of makes me depressed.
I don't think many of my friends have loved me proper, but I can name a few. I think Jenna really did show me love, at least now. Back in high school, things sucked. I always felt shitty. I'm getting better and I know it, so I'm trying to not freak out right now and get on a plane to France or slice my wrists open. There are times when I feel very confident in myself and like I could do anything, go anywhere, be anybody. It's the loveliest thing ever, even lovelier than watching Sherlock with Ryan. Ryan has shown me love. He is such a good guy, I can see it. He has been a good friend to me, not lied, I have not lied to him. He is maybe the best friendship I have had a taste of. I am grateful for him and what he has taught me, how he has treated me. It sounds quite silly, but when I am talking to him I see in his eyes kindness. The same kindness I saw that first night we became friends, the kindness that to this day scares me. I don't need to be perfect for him, because I have been bad and he is still here. I'm not scared like I was before. I know how to be with him. Not everything is that nice in my life, in fact a lot of things are complete shit. It's good to know I have some very very very very very good things.
The truth is this as well: depression is odd. I feel like I have very little control, like a monster is living inside of me. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day. I go to sleep not knowing who I will wake up as, I wake up not knowing how the night will end. If I will hurt myself or anyone else. All the lovely things in the world couldn't change it, really. It's all in my head, a place untouched. I am so, so, so scared of depression. Even when I'm happy, I can't really be, because I know I'll come down. I hope one day that goes away. That, more than ANYTHING else. A lot has improved, so I think life does that for you. If you just agree to live in and stick with it, it will make you better. You just can't give up in the hard times. It's like when you're born, life makes a deal with you: I'll help you, I'll let you be happy, if you can just get through the shit with or without grace. :-) I don't know why, but I do what I want a lot. I'm still unhappy. I don't even know what I am. I know I'm not okay. I'm so weird and confused and lonely and stressed and bored and wired and sleepy and hungry and depressed and excited and everything everything everything under the sun WHY CAN'T I JUST BE OKAY?!?!?! Why can't a magical genie come down from the fucking sky and say "You're okay now!!!!" ???? PLEASE? Nights like these, I just want to stop everything and know why life has to be like this. I'm not good at life. There are things I internalize then uninternalize. Why is that? I just realize: Ryan and I talk about our feelings together. I don't know why that amuses me so much in this moment. He isn't even the cutest guy ever or whatever, I didn't see him and go " O H H O T D A M N I W A N N A T A P D A T ! !" or whatever. I saw him and I was like "Oh wow he smiles a lot. Wow he's annoying. He's always happy and stuff. Ewh. Why does he always try to be funny and be a leader? Ewh. He reminds me of Zach. That sucks cuz I miss Zach. He's kinda cute I guess, a little. Juan Carlos is cuter. But he's okay. Cuter than Levi. Maybe not. I dunno, but maybe I wanna talk to him more. I could see us maybe being friends, but he's too cool for me and he does drugs and went to public school, and I'm lame. Oh wow, okay so he's flirting with me. What do I do now? I'm so confused. Why must you do this odd person? You fluster me and confuse me garrr. You seem cool. You don't really talk to me. Okay now you do. Hello. Oh wow, you can keep an intelligent conversation. You are refreshing. Okay. Oh wow. Okay. Yes, we are friends now. And the rest is history." That's basically how it went. Now I love his face because it's familiar and friendly and his eyes are the scariest, most honest things I've seen in this world. They show everything, especially when his smile is fake. I love love love when he is smiling for real. I love it so much you don't even know, because he is too good to be unhappy. He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds the love of his life and becomes the father he wants to be and does everything within his power and within his lifetime to be a good, full person. I can't do any of that for him, it's for him to do. But dear god I wish it for him. I don't regret anything that's happened in our friendship. He tries so hard, and I understand now. How he keeps going. It's hard, yea. I know because I do the same thing. He's smart, mature, but boring in the most not boring way ever. If there's a person out there who doesn't fucking love that boy to bits and mistreats him, I will hurt them like a motherfucker. No one is allowed to hurt Ryan. He's beautiful.
Anyyyyyyyyyyyways.
I need to get out of my house more. I dunno. I work a lot. I get lots of moneeeeyyy. I need to spend it on something useful, other than covering up my stupid mistakes. I'm so silly. I'm learning, though. Getting better, more confident. I can totally see myself being awesome. Like super confident and stuff, in myself. I just gotta get there. I'm only 19, and this is a weird time in my life. It's a time where I really have to think for myself. Cray cray. Amazeballs. Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.
I hate cleaning now. Sometimes we are all sad, sometimes we are all happy. Anybody who seems okay all the time is either always high or just completely fucked up inside or maybe just a really good liar. I dunno. I'm not worse off or better off, everyone's struggling and learning. I wish I could really see that, I think it would make me feel a LOT better. I need to make friends with real people. That helps. It helps me see we're all not so different. I sometimes feel like "Yeah I rock at interacting with humanity" and other times I shut myself up in my room like a depressed nun and cry and cut myself and do stupid pointless stuff. Indulge in my dark side I guess. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ME AROUND PEOPLE I'M NOT THAT CLOSE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love when people I know really well are awkward around people they know really well it makes me smile a lot and love them a lot and fuck fuck I love my friends a LOT. Why is having so friends so hard? I just ugh. I can't do LIFE.
...........life. ................me. .............we are a failed relationship.
Horribly failed.
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