Someday I know I'll feel strong again.
I lift my head...
Just because you slap a good intention on a wrong action does not make it right. It's still wrong. It only calms you down at night when you wonder if it's wrong, and you tell yourself it's not, but it really is. Wake up, there's a big bright scary unforgiving world out there, and it wants to meet you.
For the past 19 years (give or take), I have tried to be someone I'm not. I don't even know who I was trying to be. I think I try to be everyone around me, I just latch onto the good and horrible parts of everybody around me--my family, my friends, my classmates, my coworkers, my teachers, my cashiers, homeless people. Yes. Everybody. It's easier than taking that mirror and looking into myself. The sad part is that now, I feel like someone who just got smuggled in from a foreign country and was dropped on a sidewalk on Times Square. I don't know anything or what to do. I don't know what I believe. It sucks to not even know what you believe, because it's hard to even have a normal conversation. I find myself not being able to formulate opinions, to even be HUMAN. All I know is that life is as horrible as it is beautiful, and it's worth living. I don't know what's going to happen to me or anybody after I die. I know I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic high school, all that shit, but in the end, I really don't know. A million theology teachers and priests can tell me there's a heaven and a hell, but how can I really know? Stop shoving solutions down my throat and let me grieve my absolute humanity in peace. Maybe one day I'll know how to let others do the same. I'm told to love myself. But what does that mean? To me, it means finding myself. So what if I like drinking? So what if I like messing around? In the end, I need to have respect for myself, compassion for humankind, and a good, moral work ethic. Going out of weekends and drinking and making out with some guy doesn't make me immoral. It makes me human. I can't just accept a book for what it's worth and never live a day in my life. There's so much insanity to be made. So many mistakes. So much love, depression, anger, laughter. I want all of it. But for the past 19 years, it's all been fake versions of that. I want it real. I don't want to be afraid to be happy, I don't want to be afraid to be sad.
Continued.
I don't really think I could ever be in love with somebody. It's too painful and I'm too crazy. I'm slowly learning what it's like to be normal.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
It's 1:30 and I'm Still Crazzy as Fuck
Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things.
I'm kind of over being told to put my hands up in the air.
So there.
I'm a stone-cold bitch. Bitcch. (I don't know why I like doing that so much, but I should stop before people think I'm 12.)
Just gotta drop everything I know. So there. So there. I'm fine with it, I mean I do feel like a monster sometimes. I wish I would have grown up different, because I know something's wrong right now. It's not that I'm choosing between 2 paths, it's that I'm choosing between a million. I can't be the people on the screens because they're taken. Everyone's taken. It's like a mad dash in musical chairs--Am I finding out I'm the last one standing? Is that bad? I feel a bit sick in my stomach, for being a bitch. But at least I'm being someone. What I've been doing for 19 years hasn't been working at all. I don't want to please anyone. I don't want to care. I want to love, but I want to love for real. Not some canned love, same dosage for everyone. That's good and all, but is it real? Not in my heart. I'm not a monster for not being able to do that, and no one will make me feel that way. Including myself. I can love, but I die a bit if I fake it. So I'm tired of faking my whole life. So many things I've wanted to do, and I didn't. Then, when I did, I told myself I was awful. For doing something I wanted to? I realize there are limits, but I need to learn mine. Yes. I will make mistakes. I may ruin parts of my life. Okay. But I'm done planning my consistencies; I'm ready to let them reveal themselves. This is going to be beautiful.
Am I selfish? Yes. I don't know how to be anything but. That's something I struggle with a lot. Especially with the kids. I think about them a lot--I see more intelligence, raw, in them than in me. I know they will grow up to be better than me in some ways. For some reason, I always think of little Fatima when I struggle. I think, "Oh my god, that beautiful little girl with pretty big eyes and so much unfiltered love and character is going to struggle one day. She's going to be completely and utterly confused one day." In life, you can't save anyone from that. It's life! I wouldn't want to be swooped up and saved anyways, by some lover. That's cheating. Maybe nothing I say will make sense to anybody, that means I will be alone forever. Ok. I'll buy a cat. But I need to capture the tiny tiny moments when I feel something, feel myself. I'm tired of feeling like a day planner.
Does it make sense? I hope whoever I see doesn't get any of this, but has their own set of problems and I don't understand those either. I'm excited. But I won't think about that. Not because I'm afraid of emotion, but because seriously, it becomes an unhealthy obsession to the point where I lose the moments to the possibilities. I've always been a bit weird. I try to remember being a kid, because I feel like that could give me some clues to stuff. I forget a lot.
I'm going to sleep in too late. I need to wake up at 7 am. Have I ever loved anyone? Myself? I DON'T GET IT. If you can't be as confused as me, you can't be my friend. You gotta be a bit washed out, a bit alone, a lot confused, so scared, but so beautiful. I'm not beautiful yet, because I don't know how to be. Whatever. I'm not too worried, not too rushed. Most people don't ever think. They're lucky, but maybe I can get halfway. I need to stop thinking about guys I think are cute. Boys are horrible. HORRIBLE!! Because they make me happy. Go away.
I am tired. I'm losing touch with all my new friends. I'm losing touch with all my new self. What? I didn't mean that. I meant that I'm losing touch with my old friends. Can I go over there and ride on that bike again? That made me so happy.
Hey come give me a hug :-)
I love when someone surprises me. When Fatima took my earring and Emily took it back and handed it to me. That's the last time someone really surprised me. It's beautiful, but you can't search for it or it dies. Like so many things in life. Maybe I just need to be drunk all the time. I don't even think that's sad or bad.
If I go to sleep now, I will wake up so late and be so sad. Can't do that.
I'm kind of over being told to put my hands up in the air.
So there.
I'm a stone-cold bitch. Bitcch. (I don't know why I like doing that so much, but I should stop before people think I'm 12.)
Just gotta drop everything I know. So there. So there. I'm fine with it, I mean I do feel like a monster sometimes. I wish I would have grown up different, because I know something's wrong right now. It's not that I'm choosing between 2 paths, it's that I'm choosing between a million. I can't be the people on the screens because they're taken. Everyone's taken. It's like a mad dash in musical chairs--Am I finding out I'm the last one standing? Is that bad? I feel a bit sick in my stomach, for being a bitch. But at least I'm being someone. What I've been doing for 19 years hasn't been working at all. I don't want to please anyone. I don't want to care. I want to love, but I want to love for real. Not some canned love, same dosage for everyone. That's good and all, but is it real? Not in my heart. I'm not a monster for not being able to do that, and no one will make me feel that way. Including myself. I can love, but I die a bit if I fake it. So I'm tired of faking my whole life. So many things I've wanted to do, and I didn't. Then, when I did, I told myself I was awful. For doing something I wanted to? I realize there are limits, but I need to learn mine. Yes. I will make mistakes. I may ruin parts of my life. Okay. But I'm done planning my consistencies; I'm ready to let them reveal themselves. This is going to be beautiful.
Am I selfish? Yes. I don't know how to be anything but. That's something I struggle with a lot. Especially with the kids. I think about them a lot--I see more intelligence, raw, in them than in me. I know they will grow up to be better than me in some ways. For some reason, I always think of little Fatima when I struggle. I think, "Oh my god, that beautiful little girl with pretty big eyes and so much unfiltered love and character is going to struggle one day. She's going to be completely and utterly confused one day." In life, you can't save anyone from that. It's life! I wouldn't want to be swooped up and saved anyways, by some lover. That's cheating. Maybe nothing I say will make sense to anybody, that means I will be alone forever. Ok. I'll buy a cat. But I need to capture the tiny tiny moments when I feel something, feel myself. I'm tired of feeling like a day planner.
Does it make sense? I hope whoever I see doesn't get any of this, but has their own set of problems and I don't understand those either. I'm excited. But I won't think about that. Not because I'm afraid of emotion, but because seriously, it becomes an unhealthy obsession to the point where I lose the moments to the possibilities. I've always been a bit weird. I try to remember being a kid, because I feel like that could give me some clues to stuff. I forget a lot.
I'm going to sleep in too late. I need to wake up at 7 am. Have I ever loved anyone? Myself? I DON'T GET IT. If you can't be as confused as me, you can't be my friend. You gotta be a bit washed out, a bit alone, a lot confused, so scared, but so beautiful. I'm not beautiful yet, because I don't know how to be. Whatever. I'm not too worried, not too rushed. Most people don't ever think. They're lucky, but maybe I can get halfway. I need to stop thinking about guys I think are cute. Boys are horrible. HORRIBLE!! Because they make me happy. Go away.
I am tired. I'm losing touch with all my new friends. I'm losing touch with all my new self. What? I didn't mean that. I meant that I'm losing touch with my old friends. Can I go over there and ride on that bike again? That made me so happy.
Hey come give me a hug :-)
I love when someone surprises me. When Fatima took my earring and Emily took it back and handed it to me. That's the last time someone really surprised me. It's beautiful, but you can't search for it or it dies. Like so many things in life. Maybe I just need to be drunk all the time. I don't even think that's sad or bad.
If I go to sleep now, I will wake up so late and be so sad. Can't do that.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Toll Road Ends, Nightmare Begins
She knows what I think about.
Fucking rain. I couldn't even see driving home. I was blasting some music, blind. It was awesome. Then I stopped by the pool to see what it looked like with rain flooding into it. Better than diamonds. I was soaking wet, but I love the rain. I just had wished I was with someone, because crazy people can make the dumbest moment perfect. I need to find some more cool people in this world. I know they're out there. But like I said, I don't know if I can ever really be in love. I like being single too much... I just know that if I ever do get in a serious, stable relationship, I will miss my privacy so much. I love being alone. But I love people. Argh why am I fucked up.
A year ago, I was starting my freshman year at Notre Dame. I was waiting to see Zach. I was missing him. I was homesick. I was happy to be in a new place. I was bubbly. But I was just waiting for the shit to start. Now when I look back, I realize I was living life, I was just kinda doing it wrong. [???]. I love how every year, things are so different. Right now? I'm just looking at everybody, seeing how beautifully normal they are. I love it. I love that being crazy is being normal.
Everyone will love me more.
But the problem is that I'm stuck in my head. I still plan my future ahead, I trip over my own feet. Fressh. I've missed out on so much. If I have a daughter and she starts drinking and fucking around with 20 year olds, I will be so proud. I've been paralyzed for FOREVER, now I'm just starting to see something. Do you know how I feel? So many people are lucky enough to not get like this. Not even give a fuck. They suffer in other ways, but I hate my way. I hate that I can't get away from my words. There's like this string tied from my hands to my mind, and I want to cut it so bad. I'm itching. When I drove past the Drag and all that shit I don't know the name of, or when my coworkers start talking about normal, intelligent shit, I get so nervous. I get so "they-can-see-me-they-can-see-I'm-fake". I want to not smile for a year. I want to laugh and cry all day. I really want to live in my car for 3 months. [Bukkett Li$t bi@tc#]. I think I'm gonna dye my hair pink or blonde or both, buy a big white rapist van, and drive to San Fran. All once I fall in love. I'm so fucked.
Swingin' party... So what else. Nothing. I'm just keeping my head above water swimmingly. Then I'm going to do my homework.
I hate playing the victim (but only because I think a lot), but you kinda fucked me over. I've come to the realization that everyone's gonna fuck me over in some way or another, but your way was dangerous. I'd be a C student. I'd be pregnant. I'd be drunk. But I guess one day, I'd have a shot at real happiness. Do I still now? Is it too late? Maybe I'm just 19 and dramatic and wishing I had some vodka. Or an older guy to buy me some. Even better. Free vodka, my favorite kind.
I'm getting a headache!!!!!!
Fucking rain. I couldn't even see driving home. I was blasting some music, blind. It was awesome. Then I stopped by the pool to see what it looked like with rain flooding into it. Better than diamonds. I was soaking wet, but I love the rain. I just had wished I was with someone, because crazy people can make the dumbest moment perfect. I need to find some more cool people in this world. I know they're out there. But like I said, I don't know if I can ever really be in love. I like being single too much... I just know that if I ever do get in a serious, stable relationship, I will miss my privacy so much. I love being alone. But I love people. Argh why am I fucked up.
A year ago, I was starting my freshman year at Notre Dame. I was waiting to see Zach. I was missing him. I was homesick. I was happy to be in a new place. I was bubbly. But I was just waiting for the shit to start. Now when I look back, I realize I was living life, I was just kinda doing it wrong. [???]. I love how every year, things are so different. Right now? I'm just looking at everybody, seeing how beautifully normal they are. I love it. I love that being crazy is being normal.
Everyone will love me more.
But the problem is that I'm stuck in my head. I still plan my future ahead, I trip over my own feet. Fressh. I've missed out on so much. If I have a daughter and she starts drinking and fucking around with 20 year olds, I will be so proud. I've been paralyzed for FOREVER, now I'm just starting to see something. Do you know how I feel? So many people are lucky enough to not get like this. Not even give a fuck. They suffer in other ways, but I hate my way. I hate that I can't get away from my words. There's like this string tied from my hands to my mind, and I want to cut it so bad. I'm itching. When I drove past the Drag and all that shit I don't know the name of, or when my coworkers start talking about normal, intelligent shit, I get so nervous. I get so "they-can-see-me-they-can-see-I'm-fake". I want to not smile for a year. I want to laugh and cry all day. I really want to live in my car for 3 months. [Bukkett Li$t bi@tc#]. I think I'm gonna dye my hair pink or blonde or both, buy a big white rapist van, and drive to San Fran. All once I fall in love. I'm so fucked.
Swingin' party... So what else. Nothing. I'm just keeping my head above water swimmingly. Then I'm going to do my homework.
I hate playing the victim (but only because I think a lot), but you kinda fucked me over. I've come to the realization that everyone's gonna fuck me over in some way or another, but your way was dangerous. I'd be a C student. I'd be pregnant. I'd be drunk. But I guess one day, I'd have a shot at real happiness. Do I still now? Is it too late? Maybe I'm just 19 and dramatic and wishing I had some vodka. Or an older guy to buy me some. Even better. Free vodka, my favorite kind.
I'm getting a headache!!!!!!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Smell of Steel
Opus 23.
It would seem that my life has changed oddly in the past week.
I don't want to call Jenna because I'm afraid. I hate finality. Yesterday I told Gmo we should keep it pro-fressh and that was hard for me. I just find it horridly difficult to make decisions and stick with them and feel good about myself. But the sad fact of the matter is that right now, I am living at home. I can't afford any troubles. Once I'm away, I will have the freedom to come and go as I please, do as I please. Perhaps I am a selfish person, but I am only this way to find out who the hell I am. For so long, shit was piled on top of my true personality. I feel it has almost died. I can always see every side to an argument except mine.
So I'm afraid because I have never been able to say what I want to say. That is my fault, not hers. I have the freedom to speak as I wish, I just chose to drown it down in fear. Who knows: things could have been so much better. Truth is, I'd probably just have another set of stuff to deal with. That's life. But right now I'm learning stuff that preschoolers are: how to socialize. TBC.
It would seem that my life has changed oddly in the past week.
I don't want to call Jenna because I'm afraid. I hate finality. Yesterday I told Gmo we should keep it pro-fressh and that was hard for me. I just find it horridly difficult to make decisions and stick with them and feel good about myself. But the sad fact of the matter is that right now, I am living at home. I can't afford any troubles. Once I'm away, I will have the freedom to come and go as I please, do as I please. Perhaps I am a selfish person, but I am only this way to find out who the hell I am. For so long, shit was piled on top of my true personality. I feel it has almost died. I can always see every side to an argument except mine.
So I'm afraid because I have never been able to say what I want to say. That is my fault, not hers. I have the freedom to speak as I wish, I just chose to drown it down in fear. Who knows: things could have been so much better. Truth is, I'd probably just have another set of stuff to deal with. That's life. But right now I'm learning stuff that preschoolers are: how to socialize. TBC.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Whatever
If you're all done like you said you'd be, what are you doin' hanging out with me?
Love love love love love that. It's so funny how words mean nothing unless they have a subtext. And I don't know shit, and saying that (or that) doesn't MAKE me know it. That's another lesson I'll wake up and know one day. I'm pretty sure of that. I can only take in so much at once. But if you keep being who you are, I'd be good with it. I seem like I have little respect, but I don't know. Am I just making concessions? I'm tired of feeling fucked up. For once, I DON'T. Maybe I'm just different than how I was trying to be. I love that girl, Eunice, in my drama class. She talks about her husband in such an amazing way. Eunice--"Sometimes I wanna punch that motherfucker, BUT I LOVE HIM." That's cute!! Hello?! That's how I think I may be. But I'm not going to TRY to be that way. Ever. I'm going to be me. It's a fucking painful lesson, at least it should be. I cuss. Yea. Give me something to care about. I'm tired of TRYING. It gets me NOWHERE. I mean, it'll get me a few steps forward, then a big leap back. I am crying out of my panties I am so fucking happy. It's not even an immediate happy. It's like a happy stemming from this hope that there's something better out there, but I'm starting RIGHT here. Lucky for those people in my life now, depending on who they are. Please, don't try to groom me into someone. Care about me. But not just about my actions, BUT ME. That's why I love that you fight back. You don't just say, "Oh wow, I give no fucks." You DO. Who else does? Tell me I'm wrong. Call me a bitch. Put me IN MY PLACE. But only if you really think it's right. Tell me I say complete and utter shit. Tell me when I'm being dumb and fucked up and a mess and when I really need to shut the fuck up and move on. Tell me, PLEASE. In the past, so few people have. They treated me like a china doll when they shouldn't have, and like I'm made of steel only when it's good for THEM. Just be yourself to me. I look around myself, and I just can't let this get away. That's why I'm doing everything in my power to put it into words. I'm putting it anywhere I can so one day, if this (PLEASEHOPEFULLYNOT) fleeting phase is gone, I can say, "Well hey." Just like when I was with Zach, I wanted to write everything I was feeling down because, in that time, it was real! Now I can look back on it, learn from it, love every second of it. But there's also that feeling of not wanting to write it down, because I'm always afraid once my thoughts get outside me, they are free to run off. Crazy, I know. I think I sorta need you like Tylenol... I'd love to have you, but if I can't, I will do without. Maybe that's just me trying to protect myself. I'm tired of giving my heart over to some piece of shit. What's worse is when the guy can't even SEE he's a piece of shit, because he's doing the whole "nice-piece-of-shit" thing. And it's just his personality! Can't anyone relate? Like they wanna be so GOOD to you, they can't even get you outside a cookie cutter idea? Don't fucking bring me flowers, don't do anything unless you think I, BIANCA, as a HUMAN BEING, would want it. Not because "I'm a girl" and "that's how you treat girls." NO! Don't do it! It's a turn off!! I don't want to be respected unless it's as ME. Just be real with me. That's all I ask of anyone. It's probably one of the hardest things to do. Because you can't really see if someone's being real. I'm starting to a *bit* more. God damn, now I wish he'd hit me up this or next weekend. Holy fuck, how'd that happen so suddenly?? Seriously. I don't even know what to do with myself. JHEUHRJWNEWJOIREOI
Haha okay 13-year-old-esque rant. Love me, world. For me. For the person hiding there, so afraid in my little heart. Love her. Even if she's wicked, even if she's a slut. Tell her she's wrong when she is, tell her she's right if you must. She'll learn, she'll grow. You can do all you want to try to increase the growth, try to push her a certain way, but she will be herself til the end of time because she HAS to be. To survive. Forgive her that flaw. Give her tequila when she's lonely, let her be held by whoever, let her go out and be insane. Reel her in. Set her free. I know the world is big and cruel and ignores everything I say. I know I will cry soon, someone will hurt me. But let them. Let it fuck with my heart. Let me lie in bed wanting to kill myself. (Just not when I have homework, lol.) Let me feel hopeless. I can't believe I'm saying this, I really can't. I'm scared of depression. But let it come to me, flow through me. Let me live. Let me be a human. Then let me rise up to the top, above any hardship. I'll get it right one day, and if not... Then what? Can't be anyone but me. When Jenna said that on the phone, "Why can't you be like this?"... I felt like I was hearing my old self. I'd always ask myself that, every second: WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS WAY? Okay yes. I need to hurt and need to struggle. But right now, I am taking a little break. I am taking a sidetrip into a different realm. I am trying something new, something I WANT. Que sera, sera. No me importe. Just gotta know where I stand. Now I realize why so many teenagers go out and do dumb stuff. They really just don't know where they stand, they have to find it. What if I...
...well I cut off there. I don't even know anymore. I am so self-absorbed that I can't even spend a few hours on homework. I still have to read Sir Gawain and Ch 3 of Govt. Great. Great, great. And the best part? Probably nothing will come out of all this ruminating.
Love love love love love that. It's so funny how words mean nothing unless they have a subtext. And I don't know shit, and saying that (or that) doesn't MAKE me know it. That's another lesson I'll wake up and know one day. I'm pretty sure of that. I can only take in so much at once. But if you keep being who you are, I'd be good with it. I seem like I have little respect, but I don't know. Am I just making concessions? I'm tired of feeling fucked up. For once, I DON'T. Maybe I'm just different than how I was trying to be. I love that girl, Eunice, in my drama class. She talks about her husband in such an amazing way. Eunice--"Sometimes I wanna punch that motherfucker, BUT I LOVE HIM." That's cute!! Hello?! That's how I think I may be. But I'm not going to TRY to be that way. Ever. I'm going to be me. It's a fucking painful lesson, at least it should be. I cuss. Yea. Give me something to care about. I'm tired of TRYING. It gets me NOWHERE. I mean, it'll get me a few steps forward, then a big leap back. I am crying out of my panties I am so fucking happy. It's not even an immediate happy. It's like a happy stemming from this hope that there's something better out there, but I'm starting RIGHT here. Lucky for those people in my life now, depending on who they are. Please, don't try to groom me into someone. Care about me. But not just about my actions, BUT ME. That's why I love that you fight back. You don't just say, "Oh wow, I give no fucks." You DO. Who else does? Tell me I'm wrong. Call me a bitch. Put me IN MY PLACE. But only if you really think it's right. Tell me I say complete and utter shit. Tell me when I'm being dumb and fucked up and a mess and when I really need to shut the fuck up and move on. Tell me, PLEASE. In the past, so few people have. They treated me like a china doll when they shouldn't have, and like I'm made of steel only when it's good for THEM. Just be yourself to me. I look around myself, and I just can't let this get away. That's why I'm doing everything in my power to put it into words. I'm putting it anywhere I can so one day, if this (PLEASEHOPEFULLYNOT) fleeting phase is gone, I can say, "Well hey." Just like when I was with Zach, I wanted to write everything I was feeling down because, in that time, it was real! Now I can look back on it, learn from it, love every second of it. But there's also that feeling of not wanting to write it down, because I'm always afraid once my thoughts get outside me, they are free to run off. Crazy, I know. I think I sorta need you like Tylenol... I'd love to have you, but if I can't, I will do without. Maybe that's just me trying to protect myself. I'm tired of giving my heart over to some piece of shit. What's worse is when the guy can't even SEE he's a piece of shit, because he's doing the whole "nice-piece-of-shit" thing. And it's just his personality! Can't anyone relate? Like they wanna be so GOOD to you, they can't even get you outside a cookie cutter idea? Don't fucking bring me flowers, don't do anything unless you think I, BIANCA, as a HUMAN BEING, would want it. Not because "I'm a girl" and "that's how you treat girls." NO! Don't do it! It's a turn off!! I don't want to be respected unless it's as ME. Just be real with me. That's all I ask of anyone. It's probably one of the hardest things to do. Because you can't really see if someone's being real. I'm starting to a *bit* more. God damn, now I wish he'd hit me up this or next weekend. Holy fuck, how'd that happen so suddenly?? Seriously. I don't even know what to do with myself. JHEUHRJWNEWJOIREOI
Haha okay 13-year-old-esque rant. Love me, world. For me. For the person hiding there, so afraid in my little heart. Love her. Even if she's wicked, even if she's a slut. Tell her she's wrong when she is, tell her she's right if you must. She'll learn, she'll grow. You can do all you want to try to increase the growth, try to push her a certain way, but she will be herself til the end of time because she HAS to be. To survive. Forgive her that flaw. Give her tequila when she's lonely, let her be held by whoever, let her go out and be insane. Reel her in. Set her free. I know the world is big and cruel and ignores everything I say. I know I will cry soon, someone will hurt me. But let them. Let it fuck with my heart. Let me lie in bed wanting to kill myself. (Just not when I have homework, lol.) Let me feel hopeless. I can't believe I'm saying this, I really can't. I'm scared of depression. But let it come to me, flow through me. Let me live. Let me be a human. Then let me rise up to the top, above any hardship. I'll get it right one day, and if not... Then what? Can't be anyone but me. When Jenna said that on the phone, "Why can't you be like this?"... I felt like I was hearing my old self. I'd always ask myself that, every second: WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS WAY? Okay yes. I need to hurt and need to struggle. But right now, I am taking a little break. I am taking a sidetrip into a different realm. I am trying something new, something I WANT. Que sera, sera. No me importe. Just gotta know where I stand. Now I realize why so many teenagers go out and do dumb stuff. They really just don't know where they stand, they have to find it. What if I...
...well I cut off there. I don't even know anymore. I am so self-absorbed that I can't even spend a few hours on homework. I still have to read Sir Gawain and Ch 3 of Govt. Great. Great, great. And the best part? Probably nothing will come out of all this ruminating.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Fine Lines
I really wanna love somebody.
Hanging around you is such a fine line, and I love it. I don't know what will happen. I'm not gonna let myself care a lot, okay? Then, I'm going to wait and see. And in the end, what happens, happens. I will do what I feel like I want to. I never know how it's going to go with you. Sometimes I just wonder if you'll call it quits with me. If you'll say, and mean it, that we can't be friends anymore. Who else is in your life? I don't know, but I feel like yours is one of the only places I can go in and feel fine. You're a bit fucked up, and I like that. You call me a mess, you call me trouble, you call me a baby. You make fun of me and the shit I say. But you're so human. You're not even lovely, you know? I don't know what you are, and I love that. You're something I can't figure out. I love it so much. But whatever happens is fine with me. You want to own up to your actions, but I don't give a shit. If I'm drunk, I'm gonna do dumb stuff. I'm gonna play around. Then I'll forget it. I mean, I won't really. Just in the important sense. Oh my gosh I am just so happy. I woke up this morning, knowing I had to play it cool. You're teaching me how. Just let me be me. I think you're cool the way you are. But it's such a fucking fine line. I could never like something simple. You have such a loud laugh, and you love to be obnoxious. Sometimes I'm embarrassed. Like when we were at Kerby Lane. You care? It's something wrong with me, remember? You need to calm down. Can't help you there, but I can come around if you want me to. Don't be cocky. Don't make me seem like I'm nothing, all right? No need to douse me with compliments and that shit. Just be real. And you ARE. Fuck..... I woke up today thinking, "Is today gonna be good?" IT WAS. You make me so weirdly happy but not. There's nothing familiar about this. And I don't care what you wanna do with me, really. You think it matters, you gotta own up to it. I don't give a shit! I like fooling around, you know? I'm finally about to just do what I want and not have a serious face there judging me. So don't you doing that, don't you go and be an adult or whatever. Keep surprising me if you want. I like it. I'll keep coming over, we can do whatever. I liked how yesterday I walked in the door and we just started talking. Everything gets fucked up. You offered me water first, haha. Love that. I can't put this into words, not wanting to express something I'm not really feeling. Is it the alcohol (still) talking? Don't care. I gotta get this out to Lolo. I'm glad she texted me. LIFE IS FINALLY IS A NORMAL PLACE.
Hanging around you is such a fine line, and I love it. I don't know what will happen. I'm not gonna let myself care a lot, okay? Then, I'm going to wait and see. And in the end, what happens, happens. I will do what I feel like I want to. I never know how it's going to go with you. Sometimes I just wonder if you'll call it quits with me. If you'll say, and mean it, that we can't be friends anymore. Who else is in your life? I don't know, but I feel like yours is one of the only places I can go in and feel fine. You're a bit fucked up, and I like that. You call me a mess, you call me trouble, you call me a baby. You make fun of me and the shit I say. But you're so human. You're not even lovely, you know? I don't know what you are, and I love that. You're something I can't figure out. I love it so much. But whatever happens is fine with me. You want to own up to your actions, but I don't give a shit. If I'm drunk, I'm gonna do dumb stuff. I'm gonna play around. Then I'll forget it. I mean, I won't really. Just in the important sense. Oh my gosh I am just so happy. I woke up this morning, knowing I had to play it cool. You're teaching me how. Just let me be me. I think you're cool the way you are. But it's such a fucking fine line. I could never like something simple. You have such a loud laugh, and you love to be obnoxious. Sometimes I'm embarrassed. Like when we were at Kerby Lane. You care? It's something wrong with me, remember? You need to calm down. Can't help you there, but I can come around if you want me to. Don't be cocky. Don't make me seem like I'm nothing, all right? No need to douse me with compliments and that shit. Just be real. And you ARE. Fuck..... I woke up today thinking, "Is today gonna be good?" IT WAS. You make me so weirdly happy but not. There's nothing familiar about this. And I don't care what you wanna do with me, really. You think it matters, you gotta own up to it. I don't give a shit! I like fooling around, you know? I'm finally about to just do what I want and not have a serious face there judging me. So don't you doing that, don't you go and be an adult or whatever. Keep surprising me if you want. I like it. I'll keep coming over, we can do whatever. I liked how yesterday I walked in the door and we just started talking. Everything gets fucked up. You offered me water first, haha. Love that. I can't put this into words, not wanting to express something I'm not really feeling. Is it the alcohol (still) talking? Don't care. I gotta get this out to Lolo. I'm glad she texted me. LIFE IS FINALLY IS A NORMAL PLACE.
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