Oh, please just last.
I miss my boss. He was a positive driving force in the team, and now that he's gone, I'm worried. You know, when I meet people I always think a while down the road of that old line everyone seems to say on television. When some kid dies of cancer or something, people always say, "He was the kind of person who lit up the room when he walked into it." It's said so much I almost don't believe it. But when I meet people, I think, "Is this person like that?" My boss was. There's a lot of negativity now, and honestly I'm afraid. I should write a letter to Jenna. I'm scared because Andrea has been acting funny and I'm not strong enough now to help her... Jimmy is just so negative and weird, he's dealing with something I know it but I don't like how he handles it, it is destructive to me personally... Eric is just neutral and won't ever do anything drastic... Jenna is my only hope here. And myself. There's so much I want to be. Gmo was right... He was so right. Do I believe I can get better? Or am I so stubborn with MYSELF that I am setting myself up for failure, telling myself internally that I'm probably going to relapse, drink, cut,... Gmo is right... One day, I will cut too deep, I'll cut a nerve or a tendon and I won't be able to play guitar or piano anymore. I'll cut an artery and I'll be dead, or close. Even if I don't mean to die, I could. And that's awful, because even though I am suicidal sometimes, I don't want to die. I'm curious to see if maybe I'll be texting some kid at 9:30 to meet me for coffee or tea and talk him out of doing something stupid. Maybe I'll change someone's life, too. I feel awful right now, honestly. These past few days, things have turned so fast. But it's okay. I'm on my feet still.
Resilience. Don't be afraid, Bianca. Quit being afraid of making the wrong decisions while making dumber ones in the meantime to cover it up. What good is it? You're gorgeous. Just look at any picture of yourself. Or in the mirror. Or watch a video of you singing. You're so beautiful and stylish. You're silly and you try to make the children laugh and happy. You want them to have fun games and be cared about. And when you sing, people fall in love with you. Zach did, George did, your mom does. People tell you that you have a gift, that you need to get signed, you need to perform outside, share it. Even when you feel like
your skills are lacking, people bring you up. No one has ever said you don't sing well. People love you and think about you. Jenna just wants to be so good to me, even when it's difficult. You always wanted a best friend, and now you have one! Even Gmo, who you only knew for a few months, was concerned about you and went out of his way when he was BUSY, when he had to wake up at 3:45 am and leave for army training, (not even when he just "had free time" or was bored, no, he went out of his WAY for you...Wow....), yeah, even then, he invited you out. And when you initially said no, he asked again. People
do care. People
do want you to share, to be honest, to be given the chance to be good for you and care for you. Not everybody is going to be Jeannette and Gracie and Stella, they're not going to let you let go of yourself. If you drank with people who actually cared about you, they wouldn't let you make a fool out of yourself. And if you did, they wouldn't be "proud" of you. They'd take you out back, slap you a few times, and say that you're SO much better and SO much more beautiful than you were that night. That's NOT who you are and it's
definitely not who you should be striving to be! Idiots! No, your worth isn't even related to how much you outdrink people, how crazy you can get, how many times you go out and party and do dumb things. Your worth is in how you treat people and how you approach life. It's in the words you say to strangers, in the joy you spread. It's in the love you share and create around you. It's in those moments when you don't let negativity seep in, when you don't let yourself compare your personality or beauty to anyone else's. It's in your hard work, in the way you let people feel around you. And guess what, love? That's something NOBODY on the outside can control, moderate, take away from you, or give you. It's all in you, it's all up to you. You control that. So what are you waiting for? Why ever feel bad, when you have all the tools to be a glorious human being, to make change in lives? You are loved, you are cared for, you are appreciated, you are strong. Believe in the power of YOU. Of Bianca Sicich. You Won't Relapse. You won't let those bad things into your heart. The future is so bright for you (granted--I said bright, not easy), so please don't give up. People need you out there. <3 p="">
