Hydrocodone

He said 8 things to me in our friendship.

I called you last night and you had taken 2 hydrocodones. You were listening to Beethoven and Rachmaninoff, browsing Facebook, apparently chatting with someone you feel something for. But you are ruled by silly things. Things that die out, that don't last. You think that someone else can make you better, but they can't. It's all you. Everything good, everything bad, is controlled by you. We can love, but we cannot help. I could never make you happy, but I could sit with you if you need someone in that moment. I could see the darkest parts of you and love you more. I do. I see the hatred and the sadness and the things you push to the bottom. They are flawless, beautiful. Sometimes I don't think you're a good person, but I know that overall you will be okay. Maybe one day I'll say something and you'll remember it and it'll be good advice. It'll help you in a dark moment. Don't hurt yourself, especially mentally. You want to make the world better, but why? Who told you to? I see one thing about you that I love more than anything. You are human, more so than anyone I've ever met. I learned from watching you. And here's the thing about humans: once you see inside someone, you can never let them go truly. Wherever you are in the world. you made a friend. Even if nothing feels the same, (like when I saw Zach), and it's not as good, you can rest well at night knowing you have a piece of the world in yourself. I know wherever I go, I can miss you but I will always know that I dug deep for you. That keeps me living. I did it once, twice, many times before. I have that capability. I am saved. I am safe. Remember last winter at Notre Dame? How you ached, physically, mentally, in every way, from missing Zach? You stopped eating. You started drinking. You cried into your dinner plates around complete strangers and you kept yourself going only by watching movies where people got hurt or rejected or heartbroken. That was a hard time. Remember how you told yourself you preferred this last summer to the one before? That although you enjoyed a period of INSANE joy, you felt better learning? Why do I think so so so so so much?

Taylor Taylor

My salvation lies in your love.

You are 17. Tonight you found out that I want to die sometimes. I can never show you my arm now because you are alive and well and you need to keep being happy. I only show my arm to people I know are a bit fucked up already, who won't be affected. They've seen it before. That type of stuff. I swear it is a disease, and I swear that I love you Ryan, except when I talk to you. But other than that, I want the innocence turned sour, your bed, your hideous ears. Do you know my pain? I can't save anybody. Ryan. Lauren. Gaby. Sarah-Marie. Fatima. Erik. Now I know what Sophia said when she said that nice people get treated like shit. It's not really intentional, but they break their backs for the world because they're lonely and sad, they understand, and they've been mean before. I remember when I wrecklessly tore apart a boy's heart at South Dining Hall, and left when he started crying. How I talked endlessly of my love for somebody else, when he told me he could see himself falling in love with me. This boy who walked with me and met up with me and took care of me when I was drunk. This boy I feel nothing for, but I am sad that I was mean to him. I just did it to feel alive for a few minutes, but I was digging a hole, six foot. Now who has scars?

I heal faster now, though. My skin is learning what my mind is plotting, and it's telling me to stop, that it's useless. I love that about my body, it wants to stay living. It says, stop that! I want to stay awake, I want to feel good. Fuck if your mind is messing me up. If I had my say, you'd be fine and happy. It's absolutely the best friend I'll ever have. My body, that is. (My mind is my worst enemy, but that would go without saying.)

One year ago. I was in Indiana, it was cold. I had lots of Asian friends and I was still feeling all right. I was worried sick about Zach and why he never talked to me. I walked with Robin a lot. I stopped feeling okay in January. I haven't really felt okay since. A year of that? Wow. I felt okay this summer. Why? I'd like to feel that way again, god. Can you do that for me for Christmas?

Ryan was there for me. Ian was there for me. RJ was there for me. Jenna was there for me. I should try this: For everytime someone does something good for you, don't pay it forward. Just go one more week without cutting. So here's the tally:

That time Ryan drove me home.
That time Ian talked to me on the phone for an hour and invited me over.
That time RJ let me use his shower, sleep in his dorm room, cheered me up.
Those times people at my job were good to me.
That time that lady let me use the restroom in Big Top Candy Shop.

That's 5 weeks. That's kinda difficult and unrealistic. Okay, we'll start with days. 5 days, no cutting. No self harm. I don't understand it now, but I have the feeling that self harm is very very very very bad. Worse than I perceive it to be.

Remember when we sat in your bed and listened to John Butler's "Ocean"? I miss you. I saw you on Tuesday and now it's Friday but god damn it I miss you. I will see you on Tuesday but please see me before. Why do I love you, or like you, or actually I don't feel any of those things towards you? I just want to see you. I am so tired of this. So so so so so so so so so so so so tired. Why. Why. Why. WHY. I WAITED FOR 5 YEARS. That is one fourth of my life. DO YOU SEE THE TIME I AM IN NOW? DO YOU? DO YOU? I TAKE HINTS, I IGNORE. I need to feel what I want. I'm 19 and I'm TIRED.

Charity Case

I'm still in love with you on this harvest moon.

I am tired of charity. It angers me. Ryan, you anger me with your "charity" to your friend. It is fucking wrong, it is sick in the worst sense of the word. I hate when people do that. I mean, pure hate. And if I understand one thing, it's hatred. I was a charity case for 5 years, and this is so trite, but it absolutely fucked me over and I almost want to call her up and bitch her out again, all this anger I feel. Horrible anger and regret, leaving me as I am now. For so, so, so, so long I thought I was second-rate to the world. I thought I was wrong, flawed, that I could never be right. Why did you try so hard to change me? Don't you realize the pain you've caused? How hurtful these seemingly good things can be? You are so absolutely naive, you have all your excuses and backup plans, because you're confident. That's it. I've always been right on SO many things, but I've shoved my hope down because other people were more forward and loud than me. Now I have these walls, dozens of visible scars on my left arm. Suicidal ideation. It's part of the package. Part of who I am. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? 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Fucking everything and everyone is going to break my heart. Getting close to people means getting hurt. You knew that when you entered into that friendship, and it was true. You got hurt. He breaks your heart a little each day, because you like it broken. I am still struggling with so much that it's almost impossible to believe I will one day be okay. Then there's days full of hope and goodness. So why do I cry in the car so much, by myself, every week? Why do I always smoke some cigarettes alone? I don't want to know anything about her. I don't want to know what she looks like, about her personality, and I never want to meet her. I want so bad to be good. God please. Why am I literally never enough? Why does life validate these thoughts I have? I am nearly dissociation, nearly psychosis. I see the witch in the night lights. Her laughter in my lung, keeping your arms around me, needing to push you away because you're too beautiful. I told you to run, and that doesn't hurt you. You just say that to seem like a better person. I can see through all your little tricks. I see through you like a window. You think masochism is your biggest problem, but it's not. My lord, I see who you are and it is the farthest thing from perfect. There are some things in you that you don't even see are completely fucked up. I see them. I don't want to ever help you or change you or hurt you or anything. I just want you to remember my name some day when you're older, remember me as crazy, psychotic, but somehow special and beautiful. I'll remember you that way, friend.

Remember those days?

You will shelter me, and I will shelter you.

I remember how crazy fabulous those nights were on your balcony, seeing the fire from your neighbor's house, playing songs in the cold. It was perfect, because we were in something like love. It really never mattered what we were doing, just being near each other was enough. It's crazy how crazy I was about you. I mean, I was head over heels for you. Insane. I woulda cut off my left arm to see you for a few minutes. I don't think I loved you. I wish there was a word for the inbetween of like and love. Loke... Live... ...? I lived you. So, so, so, so much. More than anybody, ever. It makes me scared to ever be truly in love, because I believe that will tear me apart, make me go absolutely mad, and then stitch me back together in some way. Being truly in love seems terrifying and seems that if it's not, something's wrong. I can't wait... I love new experiences. Right now in my life, I feel kinda shitty because I'm not getting any new [drug] experiences, but I am doing a lot of other stuff. FOR EXAMPLE. I am in community college. Hollaaaa. First time back in the public school system since '05. I'm coming out of a 6 year friendship that, although seemingly positive, seriously hurt my self esteem and kinda left me fucked socially. I gotta learn... Maybe it'll take another 6 to recover, so I'll be fine when I'm 25? I made a deal with myself: STAY ALIVE TO 21!!! DO IT. It's arbitrary, but I gotta do it.

I honestly don't know how all this self-hate got into my heart. It's scary, because sometimes it feels like there's another person living in there, one who just wants to mutilate this body and soul into millions of little pieces and bury them in the ground, choking on the dirt. She's a witch, I can see her. She's dressed in black, and seems to only wanna come out at night. She's got warts and an ugly face, turned screwy by hate. She feeds on the hate, pushes it out sometimes. I see her... It's my dark side. And when she first comes out, I feel overwhelmed, like I need a spirit in the sky to come down and pull me out of it. I look to the heavens and whisper, "Won't you just come down here and help me?" Nothing ever does.

Post 1 of Starbucks Journey

I am starting this topic so that maybe one day, I can post "I get it now!" I am learning so much. What did I learn today? I learned how to make tea... 1L hot water, tea bag, steep, 1L cold water, put it right back on the cold bar. I learned where the caramel is kept. I learned I NEED to have a pen, a sharpie, and quite possibly a box cutter on me at all times, but ESPECIALLY on Store Support. I learned that before anything goes on the bar, it needs to be date dotted: the sticker (24 hrs for whipped cream, 1 wk for xpresso [and remember that the extra x is in the bullets to the right of the SS space AND that it's a lot better to be observing your environment as you go so you don't have to constantly traverse the narrow workspace just to check if you need sleeves at DTO or whatever)... I'm going to start bullet points now. I just need to remember this stuff.

• I love Rayna. She gives fantastic advice. She said today that it's okay to ask questions, I should not be afraid to, but I really do need to find out where stuff is by myself. I'm so glad she said that to me. I feel it will expedite my learning process times a MILLION!!! So from now on, I will give a good 2 or 3 looks around the stores (GOOD LOOKS) until I ask where something is. It's all there, just look for it.
• Found out that the teas are kept behind the menu. All secret-like and shit.
• I found out that there's different brewing times for the different teas, but does that really matter? I need to find out. Because I just did something, and no one complained lol.
• DOUBLE BAG EVERY TRASH CAN OR SAMMI WILL TELL YOU TO.
• For pour overs: 12, decaf is dropped, 3 I think ...dark? is dropped. Need to verify. Don't know. But you know how to brew coffee now!
• How to make whipped cream, spiced and regular. Whenever you see a regular canister in the replenish box, make a TON of them! I was making 4 today... Chelsea said 10, but wouldn't that take a while... you only have 2 minutes on WB4... Maybe space it out if you know you're on SS for a while (which I will be). 
• DATE DOT EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON THE BAR. IF IT EXPIRES (IT DOES) DATE DOT IT!!!!!
• Don't put duds back in the drawer. Found out where the 
• Trash bags
• Saran wrap
• Syrups (though only vaguely)
• Cups (those are easy. Hot goes from top to bottom as biggest [Venti] to smallest [Short] while Colds go from smallest [Tall] to the Venti, with the Trenta randomly at the top.)
• Lids (OK I KNOW WHERE THEY ARE. GOOD. The sizes confuse me though. Just keep trying them on there. Keep bags open until you KNOW you're done with them.)
• Caramel, molasses, etc etc ... mocha powder
• ... there's more and I know it
• THERE'S SO MUCH TO LEARN ARRGGGHHH!!! CAN I MASTER IT ALL?!?!?! IT IS MY DESTINY!! I AAAAM CUT OUT FOR IT!!!!

Wow yes I learned SO much on SS. I am going to (I CHOOSE TO) tell Katie today. That although I am slow and confused and ... well the timer's broken, and a lot of time I'm making shit up (which kinda flies with Rayna, possibly with Matt, Chelsea just wants to help and see I'm working really hard I feel... but I feel Katie would get mad... although this is just from stories I've heard hahaha). Yea, SS helps me learn a LOT and how to be faster at finding stuff, DTO is better for speed (but I'm getting the hang of it. Just wait til I'm on order and deliver. Fuck.) and SOCIAL SKILLS! It's fun 'cuz you get to interact with customers, too. And I like when my DTO support is somebody I like talking to :). I also need to learn how to know my coworkers better. ARGH THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A HUMAN BEING!!! AHHH WHYYY IS LIFE LIKE DIS!!!!! I WANT TO BE CUTER!!!! AHH MY LIFE. Okay done having panic attack.

Alexi Murdoch

I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky.

So I've decided a good thing, I think. I always forget what I want to say in therapy and I feel like sometimes the sessions are unproductive because of that and because I rarely remember what my therapist says! So I'll try to write some things down.

She said to look at my relationship with Chris as more of me as the older sibling. Don't expect him to "big brother" me. He needs my support. But I need to keep myself a bit distanced, until I can trust him. I hope I can one day. It'd be cool to have a brother, after 20 years.

It's funny how sometimes this whole other person takes control of me. This bitch. She is filled with self-hatred, depression, confusion, selfishness. When she comes out, I love it though. Because I'm ridding myself of her, and it's very self-indulgent, so I enjoy it. Anyways, I'm going to sleep SO well tomorrow. I don't have to be up until 12pm. YESSSS. I like the feeling that I earn my relaxation. I go to work, work is hectic, my feet get tired, my brain gets tired, I try my hand at socializing, I'm learning new stuff, then when I get off work and I take the first few drags of my cigarette, with my free drink, I feel like a goddess, because I made it through another day. I'm proving to myself that I can do it. I can do whatever I want to.

I think at work people get annoyed that I'm so quiet. I do need to learn to be louder. I guess it's truly better to ask forgiveness than permission. So sleepy. I feel like today didn't happen. Oh, Starbucks. How you train me. I'm gonna have to learn a lot about people skills, small talk, being louder, stuff I'm not used to. It makes me feel to good to think maybe one day I will be a pro at these.

So here's the reason I wrote this. I don't want to push the past away anymore. ever.

Fineshrine

Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.

Hey you. Yeah, you there. I kinda just want to spend some time with you. You say you enjoy spending time with me... So why don't we do something mutually enjoyable. Like spend some time together. How's it sound? I just don't get some people. In my head I'm trying to remember all the advice I've been given (here's how hyper-self aware I am) and the places I've been, the lack of things I seen. It's all telling me: "If someone wants to be your friend, they'll just text you. They'll take the time to talk to you. Etc. etc. And hey! Do what you want. Life is super short. Like Mike's show."

Fuck myself.

What?

I realized absolutely nothing today. I had hoped to smoke some shit, but those plans fell. Oh-fucking-well. It's probably for the best, as I start my new job tomorrow. I am ridiculously nervous. Kinda. I'm just gonna have to go with the flow and adapt. I can do it. No baby wheels. JFDI. Okay yeah I'm slightly sad. I really don't understand how fluoxetine works. What is it really doing to my brain? Does anyone know? I think those cigarettes are rewiring my reward system. Awesome, my mom tried to do the same thing! Yeah!

What am I doing? I have no one to talk to. Actually, I do have friends. Shall we count them? Okay, cool. Then we'll fucking analyze them apart because I hate myself and do this to myself.

Ryan. I love that kid. He's just himself. Yes, sometimes he does get caught up in girlfriends, and he almost never texts me first, but I'm welcome at his place always and I know he's got my back. If I needed a place to stay, it'd be his. He's always got my back, and I love that about him. He's a good guy.

Taylor. She annoys me sometimes to the nth degree, but she is a good person. I can count on her, and she doesn't get upset with me. She's chill, pretty much down for anything.

Lauren. I don't get her. She's unreliable, depressed, etc, etc. But I do love her because she's beautiful and fun. I like to get into trouble with her, if we do.

Cat. She annoys me a LOT as well sometimes, but I'm discovering that she's actually cool and really coming into herself. She's really supportive, even though she's going through a hard time right now. I pray for her.

Ryan (new one). FUCKING TEXT ME BOY!

Cella. Super sweet. I like her, although sometimes I can't hang with her for a long time.

Zack. He is awesome, 'nuff said. But he needs to hang out with me more.

Jenna. Is she my friend? I hope so. Maybe. We'll see with time.

I'm sure there's others. Whatever, my friends are cool. They just don't really talk to me... Heh.

Hopefully I'll meet some cool folks at my new job. Whatever, just text me person. You know who you are. Listen, I don't wanna ruin your life. I don't wanna stress you out. I just wanna hang out maybe a few times a week, chill out, watch some movies, maybe take some shots, talk about the universe and what makes us humans and how we come from stars, and then maybe sometimes do something, drive fast or go somewhere and smoke cigarettes and throw them at the rocks, watch them fizzle out on the street at 3 am. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy? Let me know. If not, okay. But I won't play games with you. No, I'm done with that shit. Holding it in for a year, for 5 years. Here we go, here comes me being myself, without regrets or apologies. The scary thing is that this is what I have always wanted so desperately. Now, I'm in control of my life completely. It's frightening and liberating. It's like pushing a domino and watching the rest fall. Because I'm controlling what I'm doing, but now my surroundings? They will react to that power, and that's real life right there. I am free, but utterly afraid of what's going to happen now.

I know when I hang out with Zach on Saturday he's going to talk about people I went to high school with and I'm really not going to give a fuck. But he's a cool kid. Obviously he wanted to hang out with me. That's kinda cool. I wanna do something awesome, like go to that house or fuck around and I'll smoke some cigarettes.... But he has asthma, is that rude?

As for Ryan, we only have a month left to really hang out. Why doesn't he see this and take action? Should I just shit myself for the next month. No, I'm going to do what I want. I'm a new person who DOES SHIT. So tomorrow after class, I'm going to ask him about his schedule and if he acts weird, I'm just going to straight up ask if something changed, because I don't really want anything out of him than to just spend some time together like, y'know, friends do. That'd be really fucking awesome. Whatever. Ugh. Why. Why. Why am I a human?

Okay So

Child I will hurt you.

So I fucked it up. The interview I wanted so badly. Yeah, that. It was at 5 am. I stayed up until 3:30 doing homework. What option did I have? I mean, I could have started that shit earlier, obviously. But at the point in time, I HAD to finish that paper. And that fucking project that I'm going to bomb today. Not that I care because it's only 10 points. I mostly care that Bianca's gonna get a shittier grade because of me. I can't believe I fucked it up. I guess it just shows I wasn't meant to work at that one. Or maybe I was and I just simply messed up. Whatever. You knew that school was first priority before work, so you can't feel bad there. Seriously Bianca, I'm allowing you like 10 minutes to feel bad about this, then get over it. You have an interview tomorrow, and that lady sounded extremely nice and like she needed help. Ugh more pressure now. I don't need a job really but I want one. So bad. I find out about UT in a week or so. Everything is kinda boiling down. Once I'm there I'll be able to get a job for sure. But I want to work now. But seriously, Bianca. Do not use this as an excuse to self-hate or something. So you fucked up. Learn from it. Don't be a victim. Don't procrastinate. Don't burn the candle at both ends. By 1 pm tomorrow you'll know if you have another chance. Remember: just don't make the same mistake twice. You have another chance, look at it that way. Not everyone gets that. You're very lucky. Now pick yourself up, go to English class, go to Government class, TURN IN THAT RESEARCH PAPER WITH DIGNITY!, fall asleep during the movie (it's okay dude you were up late), come home SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP go to ASL, hang out with Ryan and SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP while he watches a movie or something. It'll all be okay in 24 hours. Don't worry. Don't worry. DON'T WORRY; I'm a good person. All I was doing was keeping my priorities straight for the night, after I had unfortunately left myself no other options. Learn from this. Grow from it. Life's trying to teach you something right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm Donnie Darko and life is that voice of Frank talking to me in my sleep.

Don't You Shiver

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.

I like to forget you. To not speak to you for a few days, forget the sound of your voice, forget how you look, forget you exist. Then, the day before I'll see you again, I get so happy knowing you really do exist. I didn't dream you up in my mind. But as the night approaches, I feel worry, I get nervous. Then in the few hours and minutes before I see you, I feel sick to my stomach. Horrible illness. When I do see you, I feel debilitating nerves going through me, I feel awkward, I feel shy. I want to hold you. I want to be able to look in your direction, but I'm afraid that I'll catch you looking at me. Or worse, that I won't. Then when we walk out of the classroom, it's you I want to talk to, but for some reason we go off in different directions. I talk to Taylor, who I don't like nearly as much as you. You talk to Levi or Melanie or someone. Sometimes we'll meet up at the end. I want to give you a hug. I want to make you happy. How can I? I want you to feel accepted and safe and beautiful. I want all good things for you, but in the meantime my mind is spinning and my heart is hurting. I don't know. I wish what I wanted was what you wanted. The problem is that I don't know what I want. I've never met anybody like you before. Maybe I never will again. You make it hard to trust you because you're too wonderful, yet so flawed. I see your flaws: the anger, the overcontrolled blood lust, the egoism, the absolute confusion about being alone. Your niceness. I see your flaws, and at times you annoy me so much I want to tape your mouth shut. I know at times I irritate you. I see it, I know all that, and I still want so badly to get to know you better. Be my passtime, won't you? Just getting to know you. Some things you say really make me sad or surprised, but it is what it is. I love the way you smell: women soap, cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, Pantene, good hygiene and bad health. I want to see you lose control one of these days. It's the same love I have for everyone, the love I have for you. I'll know I meet my one and only when I feel a separate love. For you, it's the commonlove. That's okay because it's still every inch as real. Can we just sit on your couch and watch Requiem for a Dream? And never grow tired of each other, only temporary? I am anticipating much hurt tomorrow. I am anticipating tears, screaming, ripped heart, anxiety, everything horrible in my emotions. But it's okay. I will hold you another day, you'll hold my hand, we'll be okay. We can be fucked up together. Here's what I'll do: I'll be fiercely independent, and you will too. You'll keep working at Shakes, I'll get a job at Starbucks, we'll chat sometimes, it'll be lovely. Maybe some nights we'll grab some dinner. Or maybe we can just sit and talk. Or not talk. Both. I feel scared. I'm scared of you, do you know that? In the worst way possible. In the way that means you're seeing more of me than anyone on Earth, aside from my oldest friends and my dad, has seen. You scare me to death. My god. You are so beautiful.