venting to a hollow hallway

i need to vent.
i've been holding this all in. i just want everyone to happy, i don't want them to see me cry. i don't want them to worry or ask me what's wrong. i don't want them to spend precious time and effort on the lowest of low: me.
but then again, i do.
it's weird... it's like, i strive to be a good friend and say all those things. but... i do want them. and i feel like a bitch for saying it. and i'm sick of feeling like the unluckiest person on earth, because i'm NOT. i KNOW i'm not. i try not to be demanding, i try not to seem like i'm that bad, but i cant help it. people probably already think it about me... why try? why try ANYTHING? nothing will help this. nothing has so far, at least. and i think: why me, God? is it so someone else WON'T suffer? or is just 'beacuse'?
what am i living for? honestly...
i wish you were with me now. but i know that i'll only make you upset, because i'm upset. but then again, if you DON'T get upset, i'll feel as though you don't care.
i'm playing sick mind-games with myself... and so far, people can only lose.
the truth is, love:
i want you to be here. i want to vent to you. i want you to hold me and tell me you still would love me no matter how difficult i get. i want you to stay here with me and warm my cold hands and tell me you love me when i start to shake and cry and want to die. i want you here with me, because i miss you terribly. i need you so much... and i don't show it. i feel like such a JERK! you always tell me how important i am to you. me? a self-centered, confused bitch? you really chose ME to deal with? i don't understand why ANYONE would. i want you to be happy, but i want to be happy with you. and i never tell you how much i love you. but i do... mroe than anything. just seeing you tonight made me happy. it made me ... i don't know. it's something i'll never understand: the way you make me feel and the way you feel about me. i worked so hard to just see you happy... so hard, because that's all i want. but then i turned away from you, thinking it was best... did i hurt you? i'm so sorry... i'm so confused, i'm shaking and crying and i only know one thing: i need you. more than anything.
yep, tow of the things i want most in the world: to get better, and to be with you.
and i feel like the harder i try to be a good friend, the more people get frustrated with me. am i changing and not knowing it? do YOU notice? does it hurt you? i'm sick of this. i wish i was normal and healthy. i wish i knew how to make it better. i wish i knew how to be a good friend. i wish i knew a lot of stuff. but i don't, and i'll have to live with it.
goodnight, my love.
happy birthday, from the girl who loves you more than anything in this whole world, and would give anything to see you smile right now. i hope you're having fun.

influence.

today, i went wandering.


i went past the pale scrubs and the burning brush.


i drifted past the treehouse where we sat.


strangers, we talked for hours and i knew i changed.


i felt my heart tug and pull and twist until it had no option but to give.


crumbling under weight of influence, i found my thoughts emerged in you.


i took more steps, driving, hard, pushing through trees.


scars brushing their lips on my arms and my legs.


kissing my chin and shins and leaving their bloodred spirit on me.


and i turned at the left and the rights and the wrongs i've let pass me by.


i stopped thinking about where i was two years ago, where i'll be two years from now.





and time stopped.





teal grotto shimmering in a seal-grey skyfall.


a cloud drifts and ripples across it and a perfect moment is distrubed.


i decided to move on, and let the water ripple behind me in serene stillness.


and everytime i glace upward, an infinite blue ceiling encases this Earth.


is there anything beyond the blue?


anything i've missed? anything i've noticed but passed by?


a gentle wind plays with my hair and tosses it, stark against the scenes.


everything around me reminds me that miracles are not rare:


they happen everyday.


miracles are what set our world in motion.


perhaps, they are so common that we do not think them to be miracles.


the sky, the colors, the wind and the fields.


those are all miracles... they tumble, gurgle and chase the earth all around, up-down-below.





i brought nothing but my thoughts and the air that i breathe.


and i sat upon that cold, cutting stone and brushed my mind of all thought.


i centered, pinpointed, on one thing: how i thought nothing would change.


love is a cage... now love is a key.


how did so many days pass and pass my mind, yet i didn't notice?


how many years did i spend never knwoing this?


but most importantly, and i try not to think about:


how many days, weeks, months, passed that i never once glanced upward?


what is a life without the blue of the skies touching, caressing my youthful eyes.


and so i let time pass over my mind like a flock of hands of clocks... tick, tock, turn, the end.


its hands swept over my eyelids like a blanket and i floated...





to summer.


sweet, sweet july. hot, heat july. remember?


we named each creature, we explored every corner of that god-forsaken field.


we lived in the moment and laughed at our stupidest moment.


and we knew it was fleeting... we felt it slipping from our fingers.


the burn of time burning down with licking flames.


and so i stepped back onto the same field, some seven months passing.


i found green patches in its sun-yellow grass and i despised them.


it's odd: i've come to despise the green patches of grass.


all too perfect, too cliche. they shine and glisten as little children admire their "beauty."


but true beauty lies in imperfection.


the rugged hills, the cracked concrete against warm soil, the sun blinding my already blurry vision.


that is what makes life beautiful...


not the shiny green grass or the tall prison stone cases we like to call "home."


i drifted in the field and skipped around the empty cages where our memories once howled.


they howled and jumped on their kennels, begging to be released.


so we released them, to see their reaction.


just to see the howls loosen from their lips and the sadness drag away from their eyes.


just to see them in the field and play among new memories that we have yet to live.


having done that, we trudged away from the field with our summer hair and summer loves.


we said goodbye and parted... two worlds touching for an instant, that instant.


do you ever think back that far? do you ever think about that one moment when everything clicked and changed?


i do.





flames, burn, burn higher. the light my eyes and my skies and my stone upon i'm sitting.


the cold turns to heat just as night msut surrender to the day eventually.


the colours: orange, gold, misty greys and vibrant reds, sparkle in my mind as i remember... fall.


and that's exactly what it was: a fall. a free fall into a new life of change, thinking, pensive...


but the beginning was so slow, so dissapointing.


every second that passed, knowing i didn't have YOU.


how could i have YOU when i didn't know YOU?


then i found you... and this is where my fall tipped and i jumped off thsoe bleachers.


into a sunset so dripping with potential. a new tradition starts in a line, in a night when everything changed.


for a few moments, i actually thought i had you. ha! who was i kidding?


who was i bidding for? did i love you, or did i love love? the idea of love?


the key, the golden, gleaming, glinting key. it radiated all around me...and i let it slip into another's hands.


so many daynights i spent, wishing you'd just turn around... just turn around and talk at me.


just to see your words move from your lips to my ears, to know they were meant for me to hear.


that was enough... it was plenty...


then something happened. and i lost that want, i lost all my wants.


anger gutted out my heart and splattered it on the marble floors of Emotion, left to rot in Pain.


it's the worst feeling: having someone else being chosen over you.


it lets loose your darkest emotions: envy, hurt, jealousy, confusion.. all at once.


i didn't let it hurt me, and stone-faced i walked right past hell's gates and... moved on?


i found someone new, someone blue and used and always borrowed.


and every time a wrinkle formed around your eyes and your smile, my heart weakened a little bit more.


my sigh deepened and became relief, rushing rushing rushing down towards my throat to make me say the words i knew i didn't mean.





tumbling from my drunken days in fall, i found myself head-first in winter's passing.


snow white stars that shot from the unbreakable black of night...


and i must say, though i'll never know: yes, the stars are absolutely brilliant at 5 am.


winter was so blinding and... new.


the feelings that cursed my thin veins, they flood the cold newness into my brain and heart.


the ... the what? i was in denial as to what it was.


but i held onto it as it fled away, a runaway train slinking off into an uncharted forest.

this was the end and the beginning of my new life. a new, new life.

how could i know? you pulled me aside said "no, i love fish" and laughed.

i'd love to laugh the way you laugh.

to sound like a thousand shining suns sound like when they give off their sunshinelight.

to sound like you sound, to sound like you.

ha. ha. i laughed a stale laugh and you told me what i'd known all along.

what! stop! is that tickatock in my chest beating faster? is the key in your hand?

i say words that come to mind, but come to heart, and i push them and you away.

i leave and you leave.

i leave. i've left.

i've left behind your tickatock clock in your chest... beating on a football field...

goodbye, love.

but it was only seconds later that i considered a second chance was not... considerable.

who was i kidding? what am i saying...

stop! wait! no, no, no, i'm here, i'm here, i just.... don't know.

i left you to burn out, my sun, and darkness spreads over the... snow?

"like ancient bruises?"

bruises... ancient, on my heart. are you my key? so blue and black, so black and blue, so tender, so afraid to touch for fear of pain, pain...

you left on a plane, i went for a walk in the cold forrest.

silent, i was wishing for your hand in mine. my thought in your mind, at least.

i moved like the fog in the forest as it grew dark, darker, and darkest some more.

i melted, depsite the temperate, into the scene and never came out.

i never came out... i'm still there. a little piece of me, at least.

i mean, a little piece of everyone is everywhere, right? it depends on who you know and how they hold your heart, and that's all.

if you look, if you really'd like it... you'll find me in your local small town moon.

sometimes i see us in the grains of cielings in hospitals.

it's my birthday, i'm 15 and i'm as alone and sick as ever.

i'm sitting there while an angry woman is taking pictures of what makes me sick.

and i'm silenting mouthing happy birthday to myself...

theni found you on the cieling.

you were kissing me. you were smiling at me. you were even saying i'd be okay.

i smiled to myself and i made it through okay... okay... okay.

okay, okay. i skipped through my past.

i'll admit i pressed the fast forward button, okay?

we all make mistakes that spill onto our achievements.

they pale them. they inken them. they blacken them...

they discolour them until we cannot find them, as hard as we look.

maybe that's why when i look in glass i see none other than Mistakes herself.

she's beautiful and sinful and alluring.

she isn't me. she's just part of me. hello, part-me.

hello, hello, hello, love.

goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

good morning.

good afternoon...

good evening, mister, may i take your glass?

good winter and summer and seasons that've passed.

good life, i hope you may have.

good moments without me and within my mind.

good all around, good in my eyes.

goodnight little moon.

goodbye, love.