Here's the truth:
I hate the smell of my dad's New Years cooking. I hate it more than you know. It may be because of New Years 2008 when I had the stomach flu and that smell made me feel worse. I've always hated it. So much that I can barely eat the meal, and the smell in the house just kind of makes me depressed.
I don't think many of my friends have loved me proper, but I can name a few. I think Jenna really did show me love, at least now. Back in high school, things sucked. I always felt shitty. I'm getting better and I know it, so I'm trying to not freak out right now and get on a plane to France or slice my wrists open. There are times when I feel very confident in myself and like I could do anything, go anywhere, be anybody. It's the loveliest thing ever, even lovelier than watching Sherlock with Ryan. Ryan has shown me love. He is such a good guy, I can see it. He has been a good friend to me, not lied, I have not lied to him. He is maybe the best friendship I have had a taste of. I am grateful for him and what he has taught me, how he has treated me. It sounds quite silly, but when I am talking to him I see in his eyes kindness. The same kindness I saw that first night we became friends, the kindness that to this day scares me. I don't need to be perfect for him, because I have been bad and he is still here. I'm not scared like I was before. I know how to be with him. Not everything is that nice in my life, in fact a lot of things are complete shit. It's good to know I have some very very very very very good things.
The truth is this as well: depression is odd. I feel like I have very little control, like a monster is living inside of me. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day. I go to sleep not knowing who I will wake up as, I wake up not knowing how the night will end. If I will hurt myself or anyone else. All the lovely things in the world couldn't change it, really. It's all in my head, a place untouched. I am so, so, so scared of depression. Even when I'm happy, I can't really be, because I know I'll come down. I hope one day that goes away. That, more than ANYTHING else. A lot has improved, so I think life does that for you. If you just agree to live in and stick with it, it will make you better. You just can't give up in the hard times. It's like when you're born, life makes a deal with you: I'll help you, I'll let you be happy, if you can just get through the shit with or without grace. :-) I don't know why, but I do what I want a lot. I'm still unhappy. I don't even know what I am. I know I'm not okay. I'm so weird and confused and lonely and stressed and bored and wired and sleepy and hungry and depressed and excited and everything everything everything under the sun WHY CAN'T I JUST BE OKAY?!?!?! Why can't a magical genie come down from the fucking sky and say "You're okay now!!!!" ???? PLEASE? Nights like these, I just want to stop everything and know why life has to be like this. I'm not good at life. There are things I internalize then uninternalize. Why is that? I just realize: Ryan and I talk about our feelings together. I don't know why that amuses me so much in this moment. He isn't even the cutest guy ever or whatever, I didn't see him and go " O H H O T D A M N I W A N N A T A P D A T ! !" or whatever. I saw him and I was like "Oh wow he smiles a lot. Wow he's annoying. He's always happy and stuff. Ewh. Why does he always try to be funny and be a leader? Ewh. He reminds me of Zach. That sucks cuz I miss Zach. He's kinda cute I guess, a little. Juan Carlos is cuter. But he's okay. Cuter than Levi. Maybe not. I dunno, but maybe I wanna talk to him more. I could see us maybe being friends, but he's too cool for me and he does drugs and went to public school, and I'm lame. Oh wow, okay so he's flirting with me. What do I do now? I'm so confused. Why must you do this odd person? You fluster me and confuse me garrr. You seem cool. You don't really talk to me. Okay now you do. Hello. Oh wow, you can keep an intelligent conversation. You are refreshing. Okay. Oh wow. Okay. Yes, we are friends now. And the rest is history." That's basically how it went. Now I love his face because it's familiar and friendly and his eyes are the scariest, most honest things I've seen in this world. They show everything, especially when his smile is fake. I love love love when he is smiling for real. I love it so much you don't even know, because he is too good to be unhappy. He deserves happiness, and I hope he finds the love of his life and becomes the father he wants to be and does everything within his power and within his lifetime to be a good, full person. I can't do any of that for him, it's for him to do. But dear god I wish it for him. I don't regret anything that's happened in our friendship. He tries so hard, and I understand now. How he keeps going. It's hard, yea. I know because I do the same thing. He's smart, mature, but boring in the most not boring way ever. If there's a person out there who doesn't fucking love that boy to bits and mistreats him, I will hurt them like a motherfucker. No one is allowed to hurt Ryan. He's beautiful.
Anyyyyyyyyyyyways.
I need to get out of my house more. I dunno. I work a lot. I get lots of moneeeeyyy. I need to spend it on something useful, other than covering up my stupid mistakes. I'm so silly. I'm learning, though. Getting better, more confident. I can totally see myself being awesome. Like super confident and stuff, in myself. I just gotta get there. I'm only 19, and this is a weird time in my life. It's a time where I really have to think for myself. Cray cray. Amazeballs. Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.
I hate cleaning now. Sometimes we are all sad, sometimes we are all happy. Anybody who seems okay all the time is either always high or just completely fucked up inside or maybe just a really good liar. I dunno. I'm not worse off or better off, everyone's struggling and learning. I wish I could really see that, I think it would make me feel a LOT better. I need to make friends with real people. That helps. It helps me see we're all not so different. I sometimes feel like "Yeah I rock at interacting with humanity" and other times I shut myself up in my room like a depressed nun and cry and cut myself and do stupid pointless stuff. Indulge in my dark side I guess. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ME AROUND PEOPLE I'M NOT THAT CLOSE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love when people I know really well are awkward around people they know really well it makes me smile a lot and love them a lot and fuck fuck I love my friends a LOT. Why is having so friends so hard? I just ugh. I can't do LIFE.
...........life. ................me. .............we are a failed relationship.
Horribly failed.
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