There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.
I thought a lot today. Although at work I was joking around with my coworkers and I fucking love them and I do seem to "fit in" (for the first time in a while), I was still caught up in my head. I was mainly thinking of all the improvements I need to make. I wish I was like Ryan. The way I see him, he tries to be a good guy. I try, too, to be good, but I feel like I come off as fake sometimes. I don't know. I was just very confused today. I want so badly to be myself, but that means accepting that there is badness in me. How do I battle that badness? The sad part is that in my head, I know these things so well. Cognitively, I could be very mature. But they can't grow for my heart until the time comes. So my soul is constantly waiting for another tragedy, another night out, another perfect moon, to learn the whispers in the stars.
I felt so much love today. You know I get like that. At times, I feel disconnected from every human being and like I could never care again for someone, but then other times my heart is filled with so much fondness for my friends and family. I thought about Ryan and how I just like seeing him and talking to him, telling him things that I know he'll just look at me with his straight stare and, "Mhm." That's what I need sometimes. It feels like bandages. I laughed with my mom and watching "There Will Be Blood" with my dad. After the movie I was on the couch for a bit, snuggling up with Millie, and he came over and started messing with us. I saw his face and I thought about if I had committed suicide, how he would have been now. He has such a sweetness, an okay-ness in his face. I would have taken that from him. Millie would look for me. My mom would not be the same. That woman has been through too much already. I know she could handle it, but I don't want her to. So I keep my lungs going, keep the blood surging, keep on keeping on. It's a love affair, really. Life is just a big love affair with yourself. And maybe, if you're lucky enough to find someone and mature enough to love yourself, you'll get to have a love affair with someone else, too. That's a big step, though. I give those people huge props. It's like being on store support versus being the rockstar on bar during peak. You work for it, you struggle with it, you earn it. I don't know how to not be me. But good lord I just want to be a good woman, with a little daughter, a son, a lover, parents, Tucker, a little life with big thoughts, and an everclearest view of the night sky. I know I will fall in love again. I barely put my pinky toe in. How frightening that I could feel even more. I feel like something tragic must happen, but no. Keep moving up. At least my hair smells amazing right now.
It's odd. Austin is my turf. How could I leave? I want to go to Botswana very badly. So I will work for it. I love you, big world. I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. For everyone who tries, is unsure, needs my prayer, needs a promise tonight: I love you so much.
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