Tonight I feel defeated by beauty. I realize that I'm generally attractive: I'm not fat, I have pretty nice skin, my teeth are white, I have lovely eyes, a sizable ass and hips (#mexxxicangurlz). Really, I've been told by attractive people that I am attractive. But for as long a way I've come in self-acceptance and body image, there are still some times I wonder, "If I was prettier, if I looked like her, would this situation have played out differently?" That absolutely sucks. That's a hard part about being female. It's like a constant competition, the world tells you "Wear more makeup" "Wear less makeup" "Don't be fat" "Don't be skinny." We hear all these different messages and it just makes my head spin. Sometimes I'm so tired of it. I just want the love of a good man and some peace of mind. I'm lonely today. It's my third week here at the University and I'm just not the best at making friends. I struggle a lot with that. Things feel so boring right now: Going to class during the week, the boredom, the loneliness, the foreignness of my surroundings; then weekends consisting of working, smoking cigarettes on Taylor's porch, watching Sherlock with Ryan, snuggling with Millie, maybe seeing Lauren. I just get so lonely. I have friends, but I don't know. I get really lonely. All my life I've called myself an introvert, but I think I'm more of an extrovert now. I just always want to be talking to someone or sharing insights. I walked up to 11th St & Baylor today, where there's a beautiful graffiti park. I was too shy to stare at it, cuz some punkish looking guy was there, and also another group of guys my age. Why don't any girls go walking around? I feel so weird a lot of the time. Some guy came up to me and asked me if I knew where the mall was and I freaked out. I guess now I'll take a bus to the Co Op, buy my book, and do my fucking homework. I am lonely tonight, but tonight's not my last night on Earth.
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