I Am Together We

Tired.

I don't know who I am. I want to know. I want to fearlessly be myself and be happy and feel okay in my own skin. It's gotten better in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten much worse. I feel I am so weird. I don't know how to be myself, but I can't really be anyone but myself. What a predicament. I like my coworkers and I like people being around me in that way. I don't want to be that person that just always needs to come off as a hard ass, or who always needs to be liked. I pray for Juan from the Palms on Lamar and I will keep my promises to Ryan and Ryan. I promised Ryan J. that I would always be a person he could come talk to, and I told Ryan H. that even if he calls me up in years and needs something, I'll be there. I'll always accept him. My love for that kid goes a while, but I don't know. At times I feel like a freak for loving someone. I can't see what he's thinking, but he's a kind man. He's one of a kind, truly. He deserves the best as he continues to grow.

And then there's Guillermo. He keeps messaging me. It started as "Hey I miss your face, text me!" and then "Hey have you started UT yet?" He added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying to text him and that he wants to know if I'm doing well and he still cares. What's his problem? Either he's really thirsty or he's just curious. I don't care. He made me not trust. I'm better now because of life, growth, Ryan, myself, and confidence. I remember when I worried that I'd never find someone cooler than him to hang out with. I liked drinking with him and watching movies and whatever, but I guess he had something else on his mind. It's funny to think now that I held him as the standard. He's pathetic. He wouldn't even hold me. He's the opposite of what I want in a friend and in a man. Siyonara. I remember also how in love I was with Zach (Jeff Buckley just came on Spotify). Temporary. Is there a love that lasts a bit longer out there? Like Tim and Letra? I wish I could have that. It would change me. I think everyone loves me, but the truth is that I am just so odd. I like conversing and walking around and smoking while talking and affection and thinking. I love danger, knowledge, wisdom, improvement, and calculated personalities that slip up at times. I wonder what Benji thinks about, or Valerie. They're so different from me. At least some people I can understand. I'm slightly excited for the week ahead. On Wednesday I'm going to a meeting for transfer students, which I hope is fun! I could also hang out in the lounge and play piano or study. I need to sleep a LOT this week. On Thursday I go home and hang out with Ryan for a bit, and Friday I go get my first tattoo with Zachristina. Then... I work. Weekends = work. Work = money. Money = fun. Fun = Weekends. Work = fun? No. Dee is planning a fun movie night, so I'm excited for that, too! Other than that, I need to stop avoiding all my homework. Ha, ha. Maybe Ally will text me. Maybe I'll run into some people. Maybe I'll make a friend. Who knows? This university is so big that I'll never know until I go outside my dorm room. I like being liked. I wish I didn't.

I also wish everyone just said what they were feeling. I started doing that. Okay, who gives a fuck? Everyone's different. Underneath it all, we're all just bitchy human beings who want to be accepted. We need to learn to put up with each other.

Much love, Bianca.