An Atheist

I don't know how to feel anymore.

I kind of fucking love being an atheist.

But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.

There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.

One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.

I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.