Dope

Hello, hello. Can you hear me?

I REFUSE TO BE CRAZY. I'm done. 

I will take my medicine. I will go to therapy. I will find a psychiatrist that actually makes sense with my schedule. I will be a good person. I will stop complicating my life. I will be honest when I need to be, and when I should be. I will work hard and take pride in what I do. I will have hope for the future. I'm done being crazy. I am extremely unhappy being this way, so it's time to stop this nonsense. Stop wasting your time on people who make you beg for attention. Seriously, where's your self worth? You are a gorgeous, intelligent, independent, growing young lady. Everyday you learn something new, you try to make someone smile. Stop pretending to be such a tough bitch. You're not. You're not a shy little weakling either. You're just a girl trying to find her way. Stop trying to get sympathy for problems that don't need to exist. Honestly, I think that I'm scared life won't throw enough my way. I think I'm tougher, more experience, more ready than I truly am. But in honesty, I need to trust the universe. I need that as a tattoo. I want so many tattoos. I want one that says, "Thank you, not sorry." It's something Ryan said to me once right before I fell asleep: Try saying thank you more, and sorry less. It might change your perspective. It was very good advice. In the past year I've gotten some great advice. That was a good one. Another one from Ryan: Start making decisions for yourself. I don't know if he worded it the way I would have, but I know what he meant. I was living my life off the rail, so carefree, weirdly and temporarily happy. Ashton and the time he drove me to my dad's car. He told me I was a nice girl. He told me I couldn't quit ever, because every time I quit, I teach myself that that is okay. I think of that when I want to be weak or skip work or something. I still go, even when I'm coming down or haven't slept all night or wanting to rip my skin off my wrists. Yeah, however I feel, I fucking go into work and think of what he said, "Are you gonna stand up or lay down right now? What you do now will define what you do later. You will learn from this moment, and you can learn to grow and be strong, or you can learn to give up and be weak." Those words really affected me. I've gotten good advice from Jenna, Guillermo, Taylor, my parents, my grandma, my brother, so so so so so many people. Richard Gamez. Lauren. So many good words my way. I could, and will, write them all down but I dunno. I dunno. I feel nervous talking to people. I wanna go camping. 

Wow my battery goes away so fast.

Anyways. It's time to get to bed. Too bad. I stole a book now I wanna read it. I also met an interesting Jewish guy. Then today I met a guy named Mike who said he'd come back tomorrow and get a coffee from me. Hm. So tomorrow I work 3P-CLOSE. Great. At least I work with Dee. She is very cool and mature. I like mature people. But I also like people who can have fun.