More/Sea

To the sea, the sea of love.

Life feels too strange now that I'm on meds and I've realized I can be whoever I want and some people will accept me. I feel empty, sometimes happy. As always, I HATE loving someone. Nobody tells you that it's this hard. I need to tell him this. I will, on that day we hang out for a while. I want to kiss him. I forgot how wonderful he was, and how awful. I feel like I need his personality in my life, I need to know there will be someone who will talk me down, or not, or just be quiet and not understand and just see how I suffer but doesn't tell me to join clubs or exercise or quit smoking, he just sits and holds my hand or puts on the TV while I hide my face in the pillows and cry, my legs across his lap. I know I will think about this until the day I tell him. So I better soon. Then I'll go to university and maybe make lots of friends and work at Starbucks and meet a nice boy who does lots of club drugs. Are there other people out there like Ryan? I remember first meeting him, thinking he smiled too much and was too funny and good and had too many leadership qualities and I didn't like him and his happy little face and silly little ways. Then I learned more, and he grew on me. The minute we became friends, we became honest with each other. I hope he hasn't friendzoned me. And if he has, if he tells me I have no chance whatsoever with him, then I'll ask for a kiss, and I'll move on. I'll still be his friend, though. But I'll move on. Not that I'm not looking right now. I like that I can sometimes maybe make him smile. I like that he's practical, but I also hate it a LOT. I don't know. What am I even talking about. Tomorrow I spend a day in Chicago by myself. I plan on smoking a lot of cigarettes, going to Millenium Park, walking around, trying to be interested in life. Eating good food for sure. I wanna get off my meds. I wanna tell Ryan how empty I feel now that I'm 19 and still alive and free from religion. Fuck what people say about religion freeing you: all it ever did was fuck me up with weird thoughts. Will I ever be okay? I want a day in the sun. I want sex. I want to be scared to death. I want MDMA. I want New York City. I want to jump in a freezing lake, naked, and feel something. I'm getting off these meds now. I need to be happy again.