So today if I had to describe my depression (shouldn't I just name it? I think I'll name it Uma.) it's like keeping head above water. Doggy paddling. Like a thought that keeping resurfacing but I have to drown it, or I drown. This is how it feels to die. Now I understand why so many people revert to saying "I'll pray for you." It just gives you something to say to convey how you feel. But when you don't believe in prayer or God, what do you say? "I'm sorry"? "I'm thinking of you"? "How can I help?" I think non-belief in a God forces you to think a LOT more. But religion, done right, stretches the mind as well. I guess it shows that there's two different sides to this whole human existence thing. Depends how you look at atheism and religion and whatnot. I look at things too much. Go off and sit on the dock and smoke and go into my mind too much. Quiet people are seriously fucked up, at least I am. Tonight I stole a book from the hotel and met a Jewish guy named Matt who talked to us for a long time and liked asking deeper questions and I took a bath and choked on the water. I don't know how to be human obviously. I'm trying my best, which is what makes me so mad. I have this weird complex where I think everyone either hates me or thinks I'm really weak for being sad. It makes it hard to express emotion. But I am trying my best and when I seem neutral on top, I am probably being ripped apart on the inside by crippling emptiness. Dramatic, but it's true. It sucks to always have to hide this, but what's the other option? Be like I was, isolated, always a downer, no friends, never being myself really? I need to at least try to get out there and meet people and make the best of my life. I can't go to the grave thinking I wasted any years. I am not wasting any more time on my depression, but I need to find serious solutions. Sometimes it makes it hard to go to school or hold down a job or make friends or even answer the smallest questions. Sometimes talking feels like being stabbed. Sometimes I just look at everything and everyone and realize it goes beyond feeling small in an infinite abyss, it comes down to the fact that I can't even begin to think of those terms. My mind isn't ready to accept them. My mind is a dark, dark, dark, dark, dingy place. It's the basement of an abandoned murder house. It's a piece of rat shit in a gutter. I'm so afraid of it, my mind. I know if I take drugs and see myself, I will just die of fear. I will do that before I croak. LSD, shrooms, MDMA. Done: weed, DXM. I guess I just want to put myself through everything and see how I come out. It may be extremely stupid, and so many people say, there are some mistakes you just SHOULDN'T make. I agree, but there's this side of me that's so selfish and fucked up and hidden. Freud would have creamed his pants for me. Fuck. What else can I say? I continue to learn, fill up my head with more stuff, forever stuff it full. I need acceptance, I need to be reminded that I'm loved and supported. Some people don't do that with words and I need to respect and understand that. I need to expand my mind to see that. I guess with Jenna she was always so vocal about how she felt, her appreciation and friendship. Other people aren't, you have to catch it in their actions. It's interesting now to watch religious stuff because I used to be very into that with the novenas and the retreats and the adorations, but now I see it like a third person. I try hard not to adopt the hateful attitude like "Oh it's all so fake" but I also try not to say, "It must be real!" I sound so unintelligent right now. I need to read more. HERES MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE
-Go to that house with Zach again for funsies.
-Go camping with friends.
-Maybe one day actually make a friend group. FML.
-Get married in an abandoned house, camp there for my honeymoon, then restore the house. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
-Go to NYC with someone I am madly in love with and spend a week there, tour Oheka Castle and get some champagne, make love, mad love!
-Do those drugs.
-Don't die.
-Love.
-Watch the sunset with somebody, talk the whole night, then watch the sunrise.
My family is knocking. I must answer the door now. More later.
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