For Pitseleh With Love

The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last.

I fucking love you. I miss you. I'm so scared to say it, but I need you. Not as a friend, not as a boyfriend, not as any of that. Just as a person. Just as you. Every memory I have of you makes me appreciate you more... I wish I could capture it all into a simple album or something tangible, because the memories flash by so fast and I want them to stand still for a bit. I remember your face in the mirror when I hid mine behind my hands, I remember the freckles on your shoulders, the way you were trying to be dignified on our walk back to the car, the way things seem okay now, even a bit. It's not perfect, I'm not cured, but I'm glad for a bit of goodness. I hope I don't scare you with what I say, but yes, I'm okay. I remember that night after I took all that shit and drove to Ian's and slept in your bed and how you kept talking and saying stuff in the dark and I was so so so so so happy every time you said another thing and it sparked another bit of conversation, even though I had to be up at 6:30 am for work and I think we went to bed at around 4:30 that night. I remember that the last thing you said was something about not saying "sorry" so much, but to start saying "thank you." That it might change my perspective. That's something I want to remember. Thank you not sorry. I think I said something like "Thank you for caring for me and being there for me. I will try to do that more often." I knew from the tone of my voice that I didn't sound sincere, maybe it was the cough syrup, maybe I was so sleepy. You said something like, "I mean it." And I said, "I know. I mean it too. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I do. I mean everything I say." Then you rolled over and we fell asleep at some point, I woke up soon, you walked me to my car, gave me a long hug, and I went to work. That night when we got to your house, you made me a sandwich and brought me a glass of almond milk because you know I like it, I didn't even ask for it. You made me eat the sandwich every time you heard my stomach growl. You asked if I wanted to watch a prison show, because you know those helped me go to sleep. Remember that other time, that night we went to the play? How I went off to smoke cigarettes in the woods by the lake, I was crying so hard. You had told me you couldn't hold my hand anymore. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck don't you realize how good you are? You're the first person my age I would ever begin to consider a man. I remember the first time I noticed you, in ASL class, playing that "Elephant" game, or maybe it was the time you fingerspelled your name fastest out of everyone. I remember thinking you were very cute, but I could never have you in my life. I remember when you slid next to me in Melanie's car and I didn't know what to do. I remember when I thought you were an asshole because you had flirted with me that night and at the end you told me you had plans with your friends. I remember driving in your '76 BMW, and that kid waved at us. I remember when you cut my nail with your knife and you were holding my hand and I said, "OW!" just to make you think you'd cut me. I remember when I stole your knife and told you I wouldn't give it back and you grabbed it from me and said it was a part of you. I remember when you taught me to snort stuff. I remember all the times you've Wikipedia'ed whatever we were talking about. I remember the one time I made you laugh, and the one time I laughed when I was on Tumblr and you were in the kitchen fixing me tea. I remember you pulling my shirt up, me wrapping my legs around you, just in your briefs, saying, "We're just friends right?" and I laughed. I like reading things you write, I like talking about books with you, I like listening to music with you, I like putting my legs on your lap, and you put your arms on my legs, and we watch something on Netflix. I like when you drive so fast I think we'll crash, when the music's so loud we can't talk, my face in the wind, you thinking you're cool or better than everyone, you call everyone in your class an idiot, less than you, and then I mention someone and you said, "No not them." Maybe one day we'll be together, but I doubt it. With things like this, you can't get too hopeful or you ruin them. I learned that with Zach. So I'll just enjoy our friendship and the love you show me. I'll try to better myself, I'll work on what I'm going through, I'll work hard and be good and ask strangers how their day is going because that's how I carry on. I know I won't have you forever, but I'm so glad I do now.