See You Dance Again

I'm still in love with you.

I feel better after tussin'. I have had some good insights: the importance of proper conduct, of politeness, kind words, being a good person. This world would go to complete SHIT if people didn't even try. I can easily get wrapped up in the depression and selfishness, but I can't afford that, emotionally. I must do what I can. I can work hard, be dependable, be good to my friends and family and strangers. I can work on improving myself so I don't worry my family and friends. And for myself, too. It hurts me to think that I cause other people worry or strife. I don't want to be a problem in people's lives: I want them to enjoy my company, learn from me, benefit from my presence in their life. I want to help others grow. I especially want to help others who struggle with what I've had to struggle with (and continue to struggle with). It's extremely difficult and painful and it can feel hopeless at times. But I need to tell people that there's hope. It's too easy to be bad. I don't want to be. I desperately want to be good, and I thank whatever god there is for that yearning in my heart. It gives me hope that I can one day be so much better. As of right now, my little actions and words determine it. I try to do good in this world in the ways I can. Improve this shithole. Make people smile. Make them laugh. (Once again, I pick up others' habits. I think I subconsciously absorbed that from Ryan, and thank god I did.) I look back on the people who changed me so much, taught me: my parents, my brothers, Jenna, Robin, George, Zach, Joe, Guillermo, Ryan, Ryan J., Taylor, Lauren, Cat, my grandma, Andrea, Sofia, Zack, Rayna, the kids I worked with, so many people who touched my life. Some of them hurt me badly, some of them helped me, some did both. But I am grateful for each and every one of them, and would put them in my path again any day, no matter the damage done. The damage done is now just the lessons learned, the pain has given way to strength and wisdom. I'm okay. I'm enjoying this slight goodness for now. It's been a while since I've had this. It's so so so so so lovely to feel relatively normal. Depression is very tough, don't ever believe it isn't. It's tough and it's real. When I get into those depressive states, I literally feel another person taking over, a different self. She is irrational, and cannot listen to logic. Her only drive is complete animalistic self-destruction and crying for help, no matter the cost. This is the side of me that will call up the people I love the most and cuss them out, use every ounce of energy to make them feel like shit, only to come down and apologize so much later. This is the part of me that want to cut through veins and drive around drunk in the middle of the night just so something "exciting" can happen. This is the part of me that will go through every contact in my phone and tell herself that not one of these people are okay to call, for so many reasons. The part of me that wants so desperately to die, but is still terrified of death. The part of me that will take drugs, drink, self harm, do anything dangerous the night before an early morning shift. The part of me that will stop eating, stop sleeping, stop showering, stop keeping her room clean, stop caring about general cleanliness and manners and norms and anything at all. All that self cares about is danger and emotion and the need to fill an insatiable emptiness. It's not me; it's a completely different person who lives inside of me and builds up a wall every day, never letting the goodness touch my heart. It filters out good and only lets the bad fill her heart. I must sleep now, but remember that you feel okay again. Even if it's just for 5 minutes, you WILL. Hang in there for that sweetness, appreciate it, hang on to it, but be able to let it go comfortably if need be.