NO WORDS. This is why I hate happiness, because it just never seems to last. Tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo. "PURE HEROINE." What else is there to say. Work was weird today. Actually, everything was weird today. I'm just concerned with being myself now. I don't really know what else to do. Maybe things will be okay occasionally, when I can see my friends and we can smoke cigarettes and drink some wine and watch some Netflix or whatever. Or maybe just talk. Dunno. I'm not good at keeping up with happiness. I'm weird. But I realized the best way to move on is to face it head on. It's like what Ashton said to me that day I cried at work. Am I gonna sit down or stand up and take it? I'm training myself. So I went into work, despite the fact that I was hungover, surviving on very little sleep, and had vomited all over my coworker's apartment that past Friday. Yes, it was weird and awkward at first. I couldn't focus my eyes. Literally I felt somewhat high. Ryan's the farthest thing from my mind, but he interests me so much. I am crossing my fingers and counting my stars that we can be friends. I'd like a nice friend. But it's either 1) he's just BSing me and he's actually a horrible person or 2) I can't accept the fact that I deserve a good friend and I end up ruining stuff.
Good lord. I am so happy he didn't kiss me but he almost did. I couldn't even begin to explain how normal and freakish that night was. How we went all over town, joyriding, driving off the road, in and out of his house at 3 am, smoking, not drinking, talking, it was raining, and cold. And how he opened my door in the rain once I called him a pansy. He's good. I wonder if that night was just a hangover dream. But then I remember it wasn't because I am missing the $250 it took to repair my tires haha. I am left so tired but I'm glad I have class tomorrow BEFORE work. It helps me ease into the day, into social interaction. I am an introvert, I could probably spend all day in my house staring at the ceiling and feel fine. I almost didn't go into work today because I felt so spacey and nauseous, but I figured Julia would have to go in after a SHIT day on Friday, involving her crying in front of the kids, getting yelled at on the phone, encountering the police. Man, she probably did feel like a failure. I figured, if Julia has to go into work and face that shit, I have to go in and face Sofia and the kids and everyone. Some of us looked pretty hungover today, haha. What can I say, it's ACL. I just wish some people wouldn't be bitchy. Whatever, I'm pretty chill but I'm a lot stricter with the kids. I just like for them to be doing their homework. It's gotta be done. At least get through elementary school, kids. You can fuck around in high school when it matters less. And in college, fo sho. But in elem, just do your shit please. I had to break up 3 fights today. They were all serious, involved throwing people around into the dirt, strangling people, calling people the N word. Yes, and these altercations were all between 8-10 year olds. My lord. My job is rarely boring.
I was super quiet in theatre today. I just couldn't focus. I am so tired and hungover and crazy with being young. It's hard to focus on the controllable qualities of lighting design when you spent your weekend driving up on sidewalks and talking in the rain until 4 am.
I was pissed when Ryan said he gets flirty for no reason. It's not because I was like "Ughhh I want him to like me!! I wanna be his girlfriend!!" That, I don't know at this point. Let's just see if we can be friends first. But the fact that he didn't try to get into my pants is refreshing. The fact that he looked at my face with kindness amazes me. The fact that he said I don't have to prove anything to him. No one has EVER said that to me. Ever. In my whole 19 years of existence. And I have felt like I had to prove myself to pretty much everybody up until this point. I don't have to prove myself to Ryan, to my parents, to Jenna, to Sofia, to society. I just have to be me, without shame, without regrets. I think Ryan can help me do that. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I told him to stop smiling all the time, at least around me. He really doesn't have to. I am seeing a tiny sliver of a different side of him, a side he shows so blatantly, but only if you look deep enough. He's beautiful because he's in pain, he's fucked up on marijuana, caffeine, nicotine, and sleep deprivation, and he's just trying to find somebody to connect with, someone to hold in his arms and feel human, feel every goddamn fucking emotion that runs through our 19 year old hearts. I realize that he was probably right. The beginning of a friendship (at least usually between boy and girl) is the hardest. It makes or breaks it. Maybe we'll have to go through years of confusion, heartbreak, and drama before we can even enjoy being friends. Who knows? Guys are complicated, but their relationships are worth it. ..... Or maybe it'll be smooth. I don't know, and I won't hope for one over the other. Just let it be as it must be. Guide it to be better than it can be. Other than that, it's all about letting time unfold. It will. Just hold onto your heavy heart. You'll be fine. Like I told Ryan, I just want to survive. I don't want to die. I like living. We both do. Today one of the kids said, "I want to die." I said, "You're too young." I am a sinner, who's probably gonna sin again.
Fall is coming. It's colder, I can even feel it through the walls. I feel awesome with sleepiness and laziness and fucked up-ed ness. It makes me wanna take naps, watch new shows on Netflix, just sit at home all day. Eat bean soup or something, I dunno. I'm always hungry. Do I have munchies?
What else. I gotta read and sleep now. Ugh my life is weird sometimes. My life my life. Ryan said to start making my own decisions. I guess he's seeing something I'm not, and I'm taking it into consideration. He said to do something to help myself in repayment for him helping me with my car. ... I can't believe I blacked out on Friday. I literally don't remember going to CVS. All I remember is MAYBE getting in my car, turning my lights on for Sofia, and arriving back at the parking lot, saying, "Did we just go to CVS? Cuz I don't remember that at all." I think she laughed and said, "Yeah we did." I could barely function at that point. In some ways Ryan really reminds me of myself. Maybe because he's just being himself, and I'm kinda growing into that. I think this weekend was just a little too crazy. Haha I cannot subsist on this insanity for all of my ACC career. I love community college, it's where all the weirdos go, like me! Wewt. What else. I don't know what to feel except sleepiness. :-)
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