So it's time for me to stop being so scared. First of all, every feeling is ephemeral. Even if that mean it will last 2 years. It will last that long, then it will be replaced, hopefully by wisdom. So I'm trying to accept a few things right now. It's Okay to have emotions. It's fine. Let them flow through you, don't let them disrupt your daily schedule. Just let them be, look at them lovingly and how they can help you become better for yourself. Accept that maybe you have some feelings for this guy. Okay. That's human. Accept that maybe he does not. Okay. Accept that he won't always want to hang out or be texting you. Don't annoy him. But don't let it turn into a game, either. Be honest. Make the choice to trust. Maybe you'll get hurt badly. It's okay. You've been hurt very badly before, and you didn't think twice. Because you didn't know. Now you know, and you're cautious. But what can you do? Go the rest of your life being so cautious that you never grow? Make the decision right now to trust him. Realize that it may be absolutely stupid. Realize that yes, bad things can and probably will happen. Realize that he is a human, and that means at times he will annoy you. At times you will worry. At times you will hate his guts. But remember that he is good. Remember that this part of the friendship is the hardest. Who knows where it'll end up? You're walking on stilts, Bianca, and it's making you fall over and over and over. I can see it, but it's so hard to stop. I guard my heart. I want so badly to give it to everyone: my family, friends, new people I meet. But I can't and it's sad. Maybe that's why I always feel like something, something, is missing. It's love. You're letting FEAR control your life. Stop that. Make decisions out of love. Find out what you want to be and just BE it. Trust him. (Even though that tiny voice in the back of your head is saying, hell no.) Just do it. He said he was tired on Thursday, Okay he was. Stop analyzing!!! Just live. I'm happy for Ryan that he has a girlfriend but it's also weird for me because now I have to give him his alone time with her. He's like my brother. I will miss that! I gotta respect it, though. It's good to reach out to people, but after a while you have to stop talking about your problems and just start living life. It's not distractions all the time. Sometimes it's just trying to move on. Let it all flow through you. Don't be scared. And if you are, don't let that control who you are and what you do. I feel like I am getting better. Just last night hearing Kyle talk to Ryan about Lauren. That was very real. And meeting Carina and just how bubbly and helpful and good she is. People are a lot cooler than you thought, but they can also suck. It's all perspective. So fuck it. Stop being scared. Just live! You're holding yourself back. I think I am self-centered, but I can't tell if it's a little or a lot. I'm just so weirded out by the balance between (fuck I forgot what I was going to say.) But I need to give this kid a chance. Let him show me who he is. Don't force it upon him. Let it unfold. Just let him be himself. And it's your choice to love that or to not. But you've only known him for a little bit. It's not about "ruining" it, it's just about letting him show you himself naturally. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But don't let that stop you from smiling about the good times you've had so far. Don't let it ruin your days. Don't let it stop you from going into this like a little girl, trusting. I'm not a stupid person and I know it. But sometimes I'm altogether too guarded. I let Gmo in and he ended up being so different. That's stupid. But it's not going to define my future relationships. No way. No way. Never. I am stronger than the people who have hurt me. I can be whatever I want to be. And I want to be: intelligent, loving, kind, genuine. You're getting better at being yourself. There are times when I feel like I'm actually doing 90% all right socially. It's pretty exciting. Like last night, I wasn't too bad. Maybe it's cuz I was slightly coming down (still. ugh.), but I'm developing into a new personality and I feel it. I like it. I mean, I like it but I feel like it's a lot of experimentation. Like, what now? What's this? Like I'm picking up little pieces of myself that are growing or have been there all the time and I'll looking at them and defining them and realizing them. It's fun. It's also hard, confusing, scary as hell. But oh well. This is life, so get used to it. Remember that you like living. I do like living. I can't ride motorcycles if I'm 6 feet under.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment