FUCK THIS ROLLERCOASTER

Living in ruins.

Okay wow. That was mean. I'm just so so so so mad. At myself, mostly. maybe. I don't know who else to be mad at. I flip between denying there's anything wrong with me and projecting my self-hatred on everyone else, or internalizing all of the hatred, not blaming anybody, and hurting myself. I don't want to do either. I want to locate where the pain is coming from--who is hurting me? Who is truly in the wrong? I just feel like my brain, if it were a shape, would be a giant sphere, and there's all this stuff bouncing off the walls and it can't get stuck in any corners, because there are none. It's killing me. What do I do? Where should my anger go? I don't really know who to blame, who to say is wrong. I see everything at once, like its all laid out on a table, even at my most narrow-minded moments. Maybe it's the meds reacting with the booze. I need to make a choice: get off these SSRIs and drink what I want, and feel a bit better, or stay on them, stay sober. I can't have both, because they're fucking up my system. My heart is beating so fast and weird, and I am breathing weird. I'm sick of sitting in my bed, just staring up and feeling all fucked up in my mind even when I'm sober. The point of being sober is just that: feeling normal for a bit! Now I don't even have that to hang on to. I miss it. I'll get out of this haze, though. I got out of the last one. Okay, let's make an agreement. No booze this weekend. None. If anything, cigarettes and pot. That's your limit. You will have a chance for booze later, no worries. Just not this weekend. Keep it together. Go to work, you don't have to talk to anyone. Just be good for the kids. Learn from this. Establish some limits. When you start seeing the world in a 3D way, it gets so much more confusing. Is it even worth it? Makes me wanna be in Brave New World. Can I be them? This emotion, this pain. It's so much. It's not even the worst of it. I guess it's just mine to deal with. What else is there to do? What CAN I do? I'm stuck inside this body, this life. The only thing for me is myself, to love who I am, to own who I am. This is me, I'm building this person. She's gotta have limits and some walls. To protect her from the assholes. Just not the good people. But who is even good anymore? Bianca, just make it through this. You've been through tough times before. You can do this. All you have to do, really, is go to your classes, go to work, come home, do your shit. Just keep it together. Maybe do some reading. Go out on walks to the pier, sit out there, bring some paint. You'll be okay. But survive for another day, survive for another person who will love you. Let them love you by keeping yourself alive. Please. Please. There's gotta be some hope out in this big world, right? It's such a giant place, there's gotta be a little hope hidden somewhere. Please? If there isn't, let me know and I'll kill myself. But I'm scared of that. So I'm trapped. And that is life. Life is just being trapped. The sick part is that you need to find some happiness in it somewhere, or at least some way to deal with it, or else you're just gonna choke to death on fumes.