Homestudy

Who cares? I'm not a moralist.
I'm just a lady with some time.

Best lines ever. I'm so done with that. It's not that I don't have morals. I yearn to be good, to see those around me happy. But I also want to be happy myself. And it's not that I don't hold myself to a high standard. I do. But it's just different than the one I grew up with. That's fine.

Can I just sit here and think about your arms and your bed and the minutes ticking away on your clock? Can't I just think about the way you stood outside at 3 in the morning, no shirt, only some shorts, smoking a cigarette as I left? You're the first one to feel real, to feel normal. Don't take that away from me. I know I could find it somewhere else, but I don't want to. Me saying that is just a defense mechanism. I like what we do. I like laying in bed for hours, doing nothing to change the world outside. I like being with just you. Don't go all societal norms on me and make me spend a million times more time with other people than with you. Fuck society. Let's just sit in your bed and yell across your house and drive 90 down the backroads and get high or drink some wine. Let's stand outside and smoke cigarettes with your best friend while he talks about how he hates feminism or about a guy who died that he knew. You're shockingly comfortable with yourself for your age and it frightens me. Sometimes I wish you didn't get high so much. I wish I could stay the night. But here I am, trusting you so much. Do I have a filter? I love to see you in my mind, again, when I drove away last night. You looked older, you looked like somebody I would never get a chance to meet. I trust that we will be so open it hurts. If I'm mad at you, you'll know. If I'm freaking out because of past shit and stuff like that, I'll be dealing with that in therapy. I'll talk to you about it if I feel like it, but I'd rather just hold you. Being along with you is comfortable. I want that. I am awkward all the other moments of my life, but when I'm in your bed I fit in. :) Let's do that again sometime. For now, I gotta focus on my homework. Reality. It sucks.