Wrong Again

Someday I know I'll feel strong again.
I lift my head...

Just because you slap a good intention on a wrong action does not make it right. It's still wrong. It only calms you down at night when you wonder if it's wrong, and you tell yourself it's not, but it really is. Wake up, there's a big bright scary unforgiving world out there, and it wants to meet you.

For the past 19 years (give or take), I have tried to be someone I'm not. I don't even know who I was trying to be. I think I try to be everyone around me, I just latch onto the good and horrible parts of everybody around me--my family, my friends, my classmates, my coworkers, my teachers, my cashiers, homeless people. Yes. Everybody. It's easier than taking that mirror and looking into myself. The sad part is that now, I feel like someone who just got smuggled in from a foreign country and was dropped on a sidewalk on Times Square. I don't know anything or what to do. I don't know what I believe. It sucks to not even know what you believe, because it's hard to even have a normal conversation. I find myself not being able to formulate opinions, to even be HUMAN. All I know is that life is as horrible as it is beautiful, and it's worth living. I don't know what's going to happen to me or anybody after I die. I know I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic high school, all that shit, but in the end, I really don't know. A million theology teachers and priests can tell me there's a heaven and a hell, but how can I really know? Stop shoving solutions down my throat and let me grieve my absolute humanity in peace. Maybe one day I'll know how to let others do the same. I'm told to love myself. But what does that mean? To me, it means finding myself. So what if I like drinking? So what if I like messing around? In the end, I need to have respect for myself, compassion for humankind, and a good, moral work ethic. Going out of weekends and drinking and making out with some guy doesn't make me immoral. It makes me human. I can't just accept a book for what it's worth and never live a day in my life. There's so much insanity to be made. So many mistakes. So much love, depression, anger, laughter. I want all of it. But for the past 19 years, it's all been fake versions of that. I want it real. I don't want to be afraid to be happy, I don't want to be afraid to be sad.

Continued.

I don't really think I could ever be in love with somebody. It's too painful and I'm too crazy. I'm slowly learning what it's like to be normal.