Whatever

If you're all done like you said you'd be, what are you doin' hanging out with me?

Love love love love love that. It's so funny how words mean nothing unless they have a subtext. And I don't know shit, and saying that (or that) doesn't MAKE me know it. That's another lesson I'll wake up and know one day. I'm pretty sure of that. I can only take in so much at once. But if you keep being who you are, I'd be good with it. I seem like I have little respect, but I don't know. Am I just making concessions? I'm tired of feeling fucked up. For once, I DON'T. Maybe I'm just different than how I was trying to be. I love that girl, Eunice, in my drama class. She talks about her husband in such an amazing way. Eunice--"Sometimes I wanna punch that motherfucker, BUT I LOVE HIM." That's cute!! Hello?! That's how I think I may be. But I'm not going to TRY to be that way. Ever. I'm going to be me. It's a fucking painful lesson, at least it should be. I cuss. Yea. Give me something to care about. I'm tired of TRYING. It gets me NOWHERE. I mean, it'll get me a few steps forward, then a big leap back. I am crying out of my panties I am so fucking happy. It's not even an immediate happy. It's like a happy stemming from this hope that there's something better out there, but I'm starting RIGHT here. Lucky for those people in my life now, depending on who they are. Please, don't try to groom me into someone. Care about me. But not just about my actions, BUT ME. That's why I love that you fight back. You don't just say, "Oh wow, I give no fucks." You DO. Who else does? Tell me I'm wrong. Call me a bitch. Put me IN MY PLACE. But only if you really think it's right. Tell me I say complete and utter shit. Tell me when I'm being dumb and fucked up and a mess and when I really need to shut the fuck up and move on. Tell me, PLEASE. In the past, so few people have. They treated me like a china doll when they shouldn't have, and like I'm made of steel only when it's good for THEM. Just be yourself to me. I look around myself, and I just can't let this get away. That's why I'm doing everything in my power to put it into words. I'm putting it anywhere I can so one day, if this (PLEASEHOPEFULLYNOT) fleeting phase is gone, I can say, "Well hey." Just like when I was with Zach, I wanted to write everything I was feeling down because, in that time, it was real! Now I can look back on it, learn from it, love every second of it. But there's also that feeling of not wanting to write it down, because I'm always afraid once my thoughts get outside me, they are free to run off. Crazy, I know. I think I sorta need you like Tylenol... I'd love to have you, but if I can't, I will do without. Maybe that's just me trying to protect myself. I'm tired of giving my heart over to some piece of shit. What's worse is when the guy can't even SEE he's a piece of shit, because he's doing the whole "nice-piece-of-shit" thing. And it's just his personality! Can't anyone relate? Like they wanna be so GOOD to you, they can't even get you outside a cookie cutter idea? Don't fucking bring me flowers, don't do anything unless you think I, BIANCA, as a HUMAN BEING, would want it. Not because "I'm a girl" and "that's how you treat girls." NO! Don't do it! It's a turn off!! I don't want to be respected unless it's as ME. Just be real with me. That's all I ask of anyone. It's probably one of the hardest things to do. Because you can't really see if someone's being real. I'm starting to a *bit* more. God damn, now I wish he'd hit me up this or next weekend. Holy fuck, how'd that happen so suddenly?? Seriously. I don't even know what to do with myself. JHEUHRJWNEWJOIREOI

Haha okay 13-year-old-esque rant. Love me, world. For me. For the person hiding there, so afraid in my little heart. Love her. Even if she's wicked, even if she's a slut. Tell her she's wrong when she is, tell her she's right if you must. She'll learn, she'll grow. You can do all you want to try to increase the growth, try to push her a certain way, but she will be herself til the end of time because she HAS to be. To survive. Forgive her that flaw. Give her tequila when she's lonely, let her be held by whoever, let her go out and be insane. Reel her in. Set her free. I know the world is big and cruel and ignores everything I say. I know I will cry soon, someone will hurt me. But let them. Let it fuck with my heart. Let me lie in bed wanting to kill myself. (Just not when I have homework, lol.) Let me feel hopeless. I can't believe I'm saying this, I really can't. I'm scared of depression. But let it come to me, flow through me. Let me live. Let me be a human. Then let me rise up to the top, above any hardship. I'll get it right one day, and if not... Then what? Can't be anyone but me. When Jenna said that on the phone, "Why can't you be like this?"... I felt like I was hearing my old self. I'd always ask myself that, every second: WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS WAY? Okay yes. I need to hurt and need to struggle. But right now, I am taking a little break. I am taking a sidetrip into a different realm. I am trying something new, something I WANT. Que sera, sera. No me importe. Just gotta know where I stand. Now I realize why so many teenagers go out and do dumb stuff. They really just don't know where they stand, they have to find it. What if I...

...well I cut off there. I don't even know anymore. I am so self-absorbed that I can't even spend a few hours on homework. I still have to read Sir Gawain and Ch 3 of Govt. Great. Great, great. And the best part? Probably nothing will come out of all this ruminating.