It's 1:30 and I'm Still Crazzy as Fuck

Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things.

I'm kind of over being told to put my hands up in the air. 
So there.

I'm a stone-cold bitch. Bitcch. (I don't know why I like doing that so much, but I should stop before people think I'm 12.)

Just gotta drop everything I know. So there. So there. I'm fine with it, I mean I do feel like a monster sometimes. I wish I would have grown up different, because I know something's wrong right now. It's not that I'm choosing between 2 paths, it's that I'm choosing between a million. I can't be the people on the screens because they're taken. Everyone's taken. It's like a mad dash in musical chairs--Am I finding out I'm the last one standing? Is that bad? I feel a bit sick in my stomach, for being a bitch. But at least I'm being someone. What I've been doing for 19 years hasn't been working at all. I don't want to please anyone. I don't want to care. I want to love, but I want to love for real. Not some canned love, same dosage for everyone. That's good and all, but is it real? Not in my heart. I'm not a monster for not being able to do that, and no one will make me feel that way. Including myself. I can love, but I die a bit if I fake it. So I'm tired of faking my whole life. So many things I've wanted to do, and I didn't. Then, when I did, I told myself I was awful. For doing something I wanted to? I realize there are limits, but I need to learn mine. Yes. I will make mistakes. I may ruin parts of my life. Okay. But I'm done planning my consistencies; I'm ready to let them reveal themselves. This is going to be beautiful.

Am I selfish? Yes. I don't know how to be anything but. That's something I struggle with a lot. Especially with the kids. I think about them a lot--I see more intelligence, raw, in them than in me. I know they will grow up to be better than me in some ways. For some reason, I always think of little Fatima when I struggle. I think, "Oh my god, that beautiful little girl with pretty big eyes and so much unfiltered love and character is going to struggle one day. She's going to be completely and utterly confused one day." In life, you can't save anyone from that. It's life! I wouldn't want to be swooped up and saved anyways, by some lover. That's cheating. Maybe nothing I say will make sense to anybody, that means I will be alone forever. Ok. I'll buy a cat. But I need to capture the tiny tiny moments when I feel something, feel myself. I'm tired of feeling like a day planner.

Does it make sense? I hope whoever I see doesn't get any of this, but has their own set of problems and I don't understand those either. I'm excited. But I won't think about that. Not because I'm afraid of emotion, but because seriously, it becomes an unhealthy obsession to the point where I lose the moments to the possibilities. I've always been a bit weird. I try to remember being a kid, because I feel like that could give me some clues to stuff. I forget a lot.

I'm going to sleep in too late. I need to wake up at 7 am. Have I ever loved anyone? Myself? I DON'T GET IT. If you can't be as confused as me, you can't be my friend. You gotta be a bit washed out, a bit alone, a lot confused, so scared, but so beautiful. I'm not beautiful yet, because I don't know how to be. Whatever. I'm not too worried, not too rushed. Most people don't ever think. They're lucky, but maybe I can get halfway. I need to stop thinking about guys I think are cute. Boys are horrible. HORRIBLE!! Because they make me happy. Go away.

I am tired. I'm losing touch with all my new friends. I'm losing touch with all my new self. What? I didn't mean that. I meant that I'm losing touch with my old friends. Can I go over there and ride on that bike again? That made me so happy.

Hey come give me a hug :-)

I love when someone surprises me. When Fatima took my earring and Emily took it back and handed it to me. That's the last time someone really surprised me. It's beautiful, but you can't search for it or it dies. Like so many things in life. Maybe I just need to be drunk all the time. I don't even think that's sad or bad.

If I go to sleep now, I will wake up so late and be so sad. Can't do that.