You Are Enough

All my life I have been called unworthy.

Sometimes it's amazing to stop and remember that there's really nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I always get in this poisonous mindset that I need to change something about myself. What I want is for somebody to come along and say this

You are beautiful. And you're beautiful because you're you. You don't need to worry anymore, because I am here, and I will love you as you are. You don't have to try anymore, because you have me. I've seen you and that's who I love, who I want to love.

Nobody has said that to me. But that will be nice to maybe hear someday. I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on the medicine. For some reason, the meds make it hard for me to find it amazing that I actually feel normal. I'm used to waiting for something to go wrong. Now I feel better. It's not over though. I need to get in to see a therapist. But I can't go through depression again. The cuts will get deeper and I'll get more afraid. That's what I am, afraid. I'm afraid of changing anything. It's like that stupid Jumbling Towers game I played... I can get higher, but it means risking everything falling. Going away to college (again)... Can I handle that? I know my parents will let me pull out if it doesn't work out. But I'd like to DO something with my life. I'd like  to be able to move on and do whatever I like, but I feel like something is holding me back. I don't understand. I'm praying more. I like singing, using my talent for God. Whoever he is... I'm confused because I don't really know what I believe or why I believe what I do. I guess I just trust my heart. It's so odd to think that all I have had to do to be better is swallow a bit of pill each night. It's too easy. I'm afraid to love God because I know that he, or somebody, is there, but that's a big thing to face. It holds me accountable. I look at people of total faith and I wonder how they can even handle it. God..... he's calling me to love him, right now. I'm sleepy, but I want to just walk with God. Just go to a beach and pray my novena and be with him, in his presence, feel him there. I'm not strong right now. I'm sleepy and confused a lot of the time. I need to make choices. But I really just want to feel, beyond stable, like I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I want to feel like I am glorious how I am, like I really am made in God's image. But people usually like to give advice. I want to look at myself how I look at other people. As beautiful, intriguing, worth following into bad places. I want to feel like I can go away from home and make a new one. What am I going to do? Who will actually love me? I know God is calling out to me that he will, he will put those words in my heart from his mouth. I run from him and look for him in the wrong boys. He's calling me to him now.