The Coffee Isn't Even Bitter

Because, what's the difference?

Growing up is too exciting and painful and interesting for words. There's always a million things racing through my head and I can never quite sort them out right. It doesn't matter who I grow up to be, as long as I'm living a joyful, inspiring life and I'm seeking my purpose.

Blessing today: For the first time in my life, I have met an atheist who is not disgustingly shallow. We were sitting in his car, talking about our religious beliefs (I'm a questioning Catholic, on a faith journey that I nor no one else, I feel, understands yet...), and I said, "You know, I don't hate atheists. I believe in God, but I don't hate them. What I DO hate are shallow people who can't see beyond the 5 senses, and unfortunately all the atheists I have met are like that. It just makes me lose faith in them. And I don't want to stereotype, but that's just been my experience." Then he said, "Really?! You've NEVER met a cool atheist?" "Nope, they've all been assholes. Introduce me to a cool atheist and I'll like them!" "Me, you know me!"

Haha. Unexpected, but good. I love those conversations. Today was just a good day in general. I am finding my way, got someone looking out for me, trying to find out his name or what I believe about him. I'm scared because I know there's so much I have to do. I can't even comprehend it now. First thing I want to do? Get a good, stable therapist, figure out my deal with my medications and vitamins and supplements, and feel safe in this life. I don't know... I can't just pause everything, can I? I love my job, that's a sign. I do... it's not always easy, but I pretty much fit in. Sometimes things are quiet with Eric, and I don't relate to Jimmy as much, but I get along well with Andrea, Ashton, and Gmo, even though they're all 6+ years older than me and come from vastly different backgrounds. I'm able to joke around with them, smile, make conversation, and sometimes even discover some really meaningful truths. It's making me a more open-minded person. And hanging out with the kids all day? Ace. It's hard for me to believe that I'm able to do so well at something. A lot of times I see how I could be better, but this is my first job and I'm only 19. I was told for so long, by myself and the devil, that I can't do anything. I was worried coming into this job that I wouldn't be able to do it. It IS difficult, no lie, but I love every second of it (some days more than other, but still!) and I will miss my team and the kids when September comes. I have exactly one more month on this job, and I'm so grateful. What a blessing. But now it's time to move on to another stage. I don't know what to do!

What else... My faith journey. I don't know where to begin. I wish I had someone in it with me. I'm sure my parents would... I kinda want to just like travel and meet people and heal and see things. I'm not ready for that though, I can feel it. I need to heal myself first. What am I struggling with? Depression? Anxiety? Leftovers from the Chris drama, from growing up around negativity? I like to think I don't care, to think I'm so tough and unaffected... But maybe there is something there. Or maybe there's nothing. I don't know!

The story Gmo told me today about his cross dot bracelet was beautiful. Now I want to get that as a tattoo, as a little reminder of my faith journey and of this first job I've had. I also want my personal view of life on my wrist :-) And the anchor! Ah. Too many. And a nose piercing... and purple hair. Haha wow I distract myself with dumb stuff. See, this is why I never get any true healing done. But I have my second therapist session on Thursday morning, very nervous and excited. Who knows...

Today was good, but I don't know. I'm so scared, so confused, so unsure. What is happening?

And for the first time, I feel this way without a boy making me feel it. LOVE THAT.