Worse than Ever/Quiet Desperation

What made you think that he couldn't?

Here it is. I read all the posts and now I know. I am so much worse than I have ever been. I had to go off and dye my hair red and fall in love with some blonde kid and close my window forever. Why did I do that? Why did I ever grow up? I should have stayed 16 years old forever, miserable, alone, happy sitting belly down on a hard Formica counter all summer long. Now I've grown into a little infant: I need constant craving, constant something down my throat and it's warm and unattainable and sweet and horrible all in the same living moment. Now my fingers, they are just stems from a hand. They used to be their own little monsters, each so alone and isolated to create beauty. Now where am I? Back where I grew up, same window, same motifs. New boys. I've lost too many friends and it really just makes me want to go out and burn something in a trashcan. Maybe then I'll feel okay.
It's time to start wishing and stop doing.
Just sitting there all day with THOUGHTS. Words. I'll take it back, okay? I'll take the chronic nightmares, I'll take the horrible visions and terror and the awful solitude if I could just be okay again. WHO is this person? I'm infected with a ringworm and it's named Bianca. Is this who I was all along? Hiding under there, crawling beneath uncut skin and flowery brain cells?

You know the closest I maybe got to somebody understanding me?

When I called you, Zach. I had just left your house and I was heading over to Kyle's for his birthday party and when I drove away from your house, you waved at me. You looked so sweet and innocent, so, so, so, young and inexperienced. Maybe it was your new haircut. Something about you that day made me uneasy  as I drove off. I couldn't shake it. I knew that if I could call you, I'd feel better. Something strange was bubbling up in my heart, something partly sinister, partly terrible, but very, very alive and durable. [Now I know it was love.] So I pulled over, crying and hysterical, pulled over in some random neighborhood off the side of the road, got out my phone and texted you. You said I could call you that night. At Kyle's party, you were all I could think of. Then again, for five months, you were all I could think of. (That's the first time that's happened to me, ever.)

[I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS.]

When I got home, you called me and I said, "Something about this, about us, just feels so very weird. Do you know what I mean? There's just this weird feeling I have and it's very strong, about us?" You said you knew.

You knew.
You knew.
You knew.
That will fucking kill me forever. Until the day I die. My first love, who couldn't even love me back.
Gonna end tomorrow now. Today? I forgot. I will show you my scars, I will tell you that I drink, I drink, I drink, I let boys touch me and I openly and shamelessly seek out love and then push it away as soon as it gets too close. But I didn't push you away. I just had no clue what to say. I still don't.

You knew...

I'll never think I know anybody. That is the cruelest thing to do to somebody, to sit down with your morning coffee, before your lover is awake, and picture them in your mind, saying in that glorious revelation morning, "I know them." NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY. Nobody will ever know anybody. It's practically a scientific law, love. I don't know you, but I wish I did. I wish I could know everybody I hurt a little bit better.

I can choose to drink and die like everybody I hated back in college. Those fucking phonies, how I hated their lives of quiet desperation. I hated how they would seek each other out in the bars, in the dorm rooms, in the hallways. I hated them all, Wanted to see them burn.

I have no hope anymore. I stopped believing in God, I started taking SSRIs. I stopped believing in my chance at a man to love me proper, I started seeing a therapist. Darling, darling, honey. Come back, please?

It's one of those nights where I know I messed up, but it's not too late.

Do you see? I can give up on God and my future and everybody, but I will never give up on getting who I was into who I am. I was the most beautiful, real human being on this planet.