You Tell Me I Seem Confident

The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last.

You're too young. You're growing up.

I feel like if I went and watched Breaking Amish right now, that would be okay.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU.

That's going to be a big obstacle to overcome. Please tell me more to shush up and not hate myself. Please hug me more this summer, please be awkward and make straight faces while saying "I don't know. I guess. Maybe. Yes. No." I call you meanie and boring and sometimes I even call you an idiot, but don't you know how cool you are? Yes, okay. You freak out about little stupid things that you think will matter in the future. I know they really won't. Are you just pushing away something else? You push too much. Quit doing that, maybe then you can love. Quit it! You go around with all these girls and have crushes on them, but don't you see that I'm the only one that will be with you in the end? If you get ugly, if you act like a complete asshole, I'll tell you to stop. Because that's not who you are. I know who you are, and you're lovely. Believe me. You're not perfect, not at all close, and you hurt me so badly. Maybe I hurt you too. Who knows? It doesn't matter anymore. No more of that. Let's just try to make the other not feel so lonely. I'll try and make you laugh and you can be awkward and do what I tell you. Tell me what you hate about me, and I'll tell you. Stop worrying, love. Please stop. Don't worry about all that crap, because it's only making you into this worried old man. It's making you be mean sometimes, and you can be better. Like you said, You're above all that. You said that about me. That I'm above it. That I'm smart, but I make stupid decisions. That I'm figuring things out, and you want to see me go somewhere. Why do you want that?

"What would you do if I died?"

"I'd go to your funeral! And cry probably!"

You take everything so literally.

You trust me. Keep trusting me. Maybe one day, I'll trust you too. Right now, I really don't trust you at all. I can barely trust anyone. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. Again and again, that's what life is. PAIN.

I guess like I said, you're young. I see it come out sometimes in you, that you are a 16-year-old boy and I'm going to be 20 years old soon, no longer a teenager at all. RULE: I will now date people OLDER THAN ME ONLY. OLDER MEN. They will be mature and I won't have to work so hard on things I shouldn't have to. I want to help you be a better person, love. I want to challenge you, like you told me to do. I don't need to be challenged right now, I need to be supported. Do you think you're not good enough to be my friend? Maybe not, lol, but we shall try. I'M SO SCARED SHITLESS. For once in my life, something really really matters, and I might lose it. It only gets worse, I hear. Great. Why can't we just be there for each other, like we had wanted earlier?

Okay be like my step-brother? It sounds weird, but do it! And I'll be like your step-sister. And we can just chill out in platonic love/friendship and be there for each other when shit gets tough. We can go out on an adventure and feel okay for a few hours and forget that life really sucks. Then we can talk about what's wrong. You know you can talk to me. I feel you know it, too. I'm so glad. I'm so scared to touch you, because I miss you and I don't want to feel anything. It makes me sad and I have to talk.

Not many people get me. Not many people even want to be my friend. You do, Jenna does, Robin does, Ryan does. That's 4 people. I have 4 friends! Yay! That's roughly how many I had in sophomore year: Jenna, Bailey, Susan, Sarah. If I had to match up who's who: Jenna = Jenna. Robin = Sarah (because I feel like they're my "match", my bestie soul mate and I miss them when they leave...) Ryan = Bailey (because I don't know him too well, but I feel like I could), Zach = Susan (Because it's a friendship that's so worth it yet complicated as fuck).

So, dear man who will love me proper who is out there now looking for a woman who will love him proper,

Do words matter? I don't know. To an extent. But what really matters is that you keep talking. Don't stop, because the minute you do, things will twist around and it's not always easy to get back. Sometimes it's easier than others, but there's so much pain involved. I know about pain, and it hurts (LOL). So yes. I will love you to bits, be there for you, hold you when you cry, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Here's the real ringer: it's knowing when to leave you alone and trusting that I can push you and you won't pull away. Because it's ironic. If I HAD pushed Zach more, he wouldn't have pulled away. Now I know it, now I regret it. Life's lovely, did you know that? It's so so so so hard to believe that right now in this moment, but I think in the end it will be. It may just be the SSRI's talking, but I think one day I will feel okay for a while and that Zach will, too. I want him to feel! I can't focus on him, though. I come first. (Wow that sounds horrible...) But seriously. I'm dealing with this shit, I gotta get on my meds or whatever, get into therapy , take care of myself and be good to me. Stop saying I don't like myself. Maybe then things will fall into place. It kills me to think of Zach feeling something for somebody else, but I have to get over it. I always want the real thing and I can never let go, really. I have too much emotion, you have none. Let's get you some, me less.

But here's what really got me. We were walking over to that tunnel for a bit and you said that I was wearing eye makeup and I never do. You said you just had to mention it because it was so weird. It's funny to think you actually pay attention--maybe unintentionally--and notice these things about me. Not many people do. You don't know it yet, but you're cool.