I Could See It In Your Eyes That You Hate It, Too

You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink. 

Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist.

Darling. I could see it in your eyes that you hate it, too. Good line from Good Girl. This is that same feeling I hated for the past year. The feeling of know I am going to see you, those moments before, then I see you, and then you're gone too soon and I go back to square one. One day, it's going to have to end. Will this be the last time I see you? Better question: will this be the last time I want to see you? I'm sad to see it end, but it's better than falling asleep with my wrist burning or that sinking tiny feeling that comes with every morning.

What do I have to lose anymore? 

So I'm going to ....

Do what? Read? Sit around? I'm a point in my life where my big thought is: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Stop living in high school, Bianca. It's over. Move on. Phase 2. College. Adult. Marriage? Maybe. 

I'm hungry, I know that. So I'm seeing you today. You probably don't care...: is what I tell myself. But you did text me to solidify plans? Hi, I overanalyze. But doesn't it make me cute? Won't somebody love me not DESPITE my silly flaws, but BECAUSE of them. Love me because I'm utterly confused at look at tiny things as clues, signs, anything to help. Because I'm awkward and sometimes too precise. Because I overcomplicate everything and overthink everything because I spend the majority of my life living in my head. Won't somebody come drink moonshine with me in a field, tresspass to Mt. Bennell, stay out screaming and singing until 4 AM, watch trashy TLC Breaking Amish with me, eating cookie dough, not caring about calories, somebody come play songs with me and harmonize with me and not cry at any sad movies because we're so happy in love, but only laugh at the horrible sad parts because we won't let sadness touch the other? Will you have my back when I'm wrong, not give up on me when I push so hard it's impossible to stay put? Can you waste gas with me and cruise around in my crappy car, no AC, my hair's a complete mess always because the windows are always down, stinking moldy seats from the rain getting in? Love me when it's 3 AM and I'm crying, making you take me all over town for Pepto? Love me because I'm absolutely always going to be me, this person here, and that's so much more than enough because that's all you want to do, spend your life discovering me while I discover you, creating something so novel and fragile and new that nobody can tell us it's not beautiful? 

I'll love you, I promise. But will you love me? I can never be sure, right? 

I'm a girl who loves running away. I run run run and I don't like looking back a lot. I will run from you. Can't you just love me?