Again

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier.

I'm looking at a lot of my old friends, and I'm not getting it. I think we've all moved apart. I wish I could go back to when things just worked out fine. They just seemed to unfold. I know I'm living in a happy past, but I need to deal with this now. The questions are hard to answer though: Do I cut ties? Just be polite? Stay friends? Do nothing? I feel pathetic and low right now. I feel stagnant and lame. I feel like somebody threw me at the bottom of a scuzzy pond and everyone I know can see me. I don't know how to be. To be. Everything I want to say to him, does it even matter? Words used to matter, you know. Now it seems like they flow endlessly, but reach nobody. I'm waiting for him to tell me what he'll do so I'll do it, too, because I really don't know what to do about this. I wish I was stronger and could make those big decisions. For some reason I can't, but some things at least are changing coming up. AmeriCorps, looking for a band, playing music, open mics, therapy, running, a puppy maybe. Who knows? University of Dallas or something? I'm curious to see what can happen. As for today, I need goals. And I need to be scared. So let's see.