Tonight I feel defeated by beauty. I realize that I'm generally attractive: I'm not fat, I have pretty nice skin, my teeth are white, I have lovely eyes, a sizable ass and hips (#mexxxicangurlz). Really, I've been told by attractive people that I am attractive. But for as long a way I've come in self-acceptance and body image, there are still some times I wonder, "If I was prettier, if I looked like her, would this situation have played out differently?" That absolutely sucks. That's a hard part about being female. It's like a constant competition, the world tells you "Wear more makeup" "Wear less makeup" "Don't be fat" "Don't be skinny." We hear all these different messages and it just makes my head spin. Sometimes I'm so tired of it. I just want the love of a good man and some peace of mind. I'm lonely today. It's my third week here at the University and I'm just not the best at making friends. I struggle a lot with that. Things feel so boring right now: Going to class during the week, the boredom, the loneliness, the foreignness of my surroundings; then weekends consisting of working, smoking cigarettes on Taylor's porch, watching Sherlock with Ryan, snuggling with Millie, maybe seeing Lauren. I just get so lonely. I have friends, but I don't know. I get really lonely. All my life I've called myself an introvert, but I think I'm more of an extrovert now. I just always want to be talking to someone or sharing insights. I walked up to 11th St & Baylor today, where there's a beautiful graffiti park. I was too shy to stare at it, cuz some punkish looking guy was there, and also another group of guys my age. Why don't any girls go walking around? I feel so weird a lot of the time. Some guy came up to me and asked me if I knew where the mall was and I freaked out. I guess now I'll take a bus to the Co Op, buy my book, and do my fucking homework. I am lonely tonight, but tonight's not my last night on Earth.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
I Am Together We
Tired.
I don't know who I am. I want to know. I want to fearlessly be myself and be happy and feel okay in my own skin. It's gotten better in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten much worse. I feel I am so weird. I don't know how to be myself, but I can't really be anyone but myself. What a predicament. I like my coworkers and I like people being around me in that way. I don't want to be that person that just always needs to come off as a hard ass, or who always needs to be liked. I pray for Juan from the Palms on Lamar and I will keep my promises to Ryan and Ryan. I promised Ryan J. that I would always be a person he could come talk to, and I told Ryan H. that even if he calls me up in years and needs something, I'll be there. I'll always accept him. My love for that kid goes a while, but I don't know. At times I feel like a freak for loving someone. I can't see what he's thinking, but he's a kind man. He's one of a kind, truly. He deserves the best as he continues to grow.
And then there's Guillermo. He keeps messaging me. It started as "Hey I miss your face, text me!" and then "Hey have you started UT yet?" He added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying to text him and that he wants to know if I'm doing well and he still cares. What's his problem? Either he's really thirsty or he's just curious. I don't care. He made me not trust. I'm better now because of life, growth, Ryan, myself, and confidence. I remember when I worried that I'd never find someone cooler than him to hang out with. I liked drinking with him and watching movies and whatever, but I guess he had something else on his mind. It's funny to think now that I held him as the standard. He's pathetic. He wouldn't even hold me. He's the opposite of what I want in a friend and in a man. Siyonara. I remember also how in love I was with Zach (Jeff Buckley just came on Spotify). Temporary. Is there a love that lasts a bit longer out there? Like Tim and Letra? I wish I could have that. It would change me. I think everyone loves me, but the truth is that I am just so odd. I like conversing and walking around and smoking while talking and affection and thinking. I love danger, knowledge, wisdom, improvement, and calculated personalities that slip up at times. I wonder what Benji thinks about, or Valerie. They're so different from me. At least some people I can understand. I'm slightly excited for the week ahead. On Wednesday I'm going to a meeting for transfer students, which I hope is fun! I could also hang out in the lounge and play piano or study. I need to sleep a LOT this week. On Thursday I go home and hang out with Ryan for a bit, and Friday I go get my first tattoo with Zachristina. Then... I work. Weekends = work. Work = money. Money = fun. Fun = Weekends. Work = fun? No. Dee is planning a fun movie night, so I'm excited for that, too! Other than that, I need to stop avoiding all my homework. Ha, ha. Maybe Ally will text me. Maybe I'll run into some people. Maybe I'll make a friend. Who knows? This university is so big that I'll never know until I go outside my dorm room. I like being liked. I wish I didn't.
I also wish everyone just said what they were feeling. I started doing that. Okay, who gives a fuck? Everyone's different. Underneath it all, we're all just bitchy human beings who want to be accepted. We need to learn to put up with each other.
Much love, Bianca.
I don't know who I am. I want to know. I want to fearlessly be myself and be happy and feel okay in my own skin. It's gotten better in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten much worse. I feel I am so weird. I don't know how to be myself, but I can't really be anyone but myself. What a predicament. I like my coworkers and I like people being around me in that way. I don't want to be that person that just always needs to come off as a hard ass, or who always needs to be liked. I pray for Juan from the Palms on Lamar and I will keep my promises to Ryan and Ryan. I promised Ryan J. that I would always be a person he could come talk to, and I told Ryan H. that even if he calls me up in years and needs something, I'll be there. I'll always accept him. My love for that kid goes a while, but I don't know. At times I feel like a freak for loving someone. I can't see what he's thinking, but he's a kind man. He's one of a kind, truly. He deserves the best as he continues to grow.
And then there's Guillermo. He keeps messaging me. It started as "Hey I miss your face, text me!" and then "Hey have you started UT yet?" He added me on Facebook and sent me a message saying to text him and that he wants to know if I'm doing well and he still cares. What's his problem? Either he's really thirsty or he's just curious. I don't care. He made me not trust. I'm better now because of life, growth, Ryan, myself, and confidence. I remember when I worried that I'd never find someone cooler than him to hang out with. I liked drinking with him and watching movies and whatever, but I guess he had something else on his mind. It's funny to think now that I held him as the standard. He's pathetic. He wouldn't even hold me. He's the opposite of what I want in a friend and in a man. Siyonara. I remember also how in love I was with Zach (Jeff Buckley just came on Spotify). Temporary. Is there a love that lasts a bit longer out there? Like Tim and Letra? I wish I could have that. It would change me. I think everyone loves me, but the truth is that I am just so odd. I like conversing and walking around and smoking while talking and affection and thinking. I love danger, knowledge, wisdom, improvement, and calculated personalities that slip up at times. I wonder what Benji thinks about, or Valerie. They're so different from me. At least some people I can understand. I'm slightly excited for the week ahead. On Wednesday I'm going to a meeting for transfer students, which I hope is fun! I could also hang out in the lounge and play piano or study. I need to sleep a LOT this week. On Thursday I go home and hang out with Ryan for a bit, and Friday I go get my first tattoo with Zachristina. Then... I work. Weekends = work. Work = money. Money = fun. Fun = Weekends. Work = fun? No. Dee is planning a fun movie night, so I'm excited for that, too! Other than that, I need to stop avoiding all my homework. Ha, ha. Maybe Ally will text me. Maybe I'll run into some people. Maybe I'll make a friend. Who knows? This university is so big that I'll never know until I go outside my dorm room. I like being liked. I wish I didn't.
I also wish everyone just said what they were feeling. I started doing that. Okay, who gives a fuck? Everyone's different. Underneath it all, we're all just bitchy human beings who want to be accepted. We need to learn to put up with each other.
Much love, Bianca.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Everything Changes so Fast These Days
There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.
I thought a lot today. Although at work I was joking around with my coworkers and I fucking love them and I do seem to "fit in" (for the first time in a while), I was still caught up in my head. I was mainly thinking of all the improvements I need to make. I wish I was like Ryan. The way I see him, he tries to be a good guy. I try, too, to be good, but I feel like I come off as fake sometimes. I don't know. I was just very confused today. I want so badly to be myself, but that means accepting that there is badness in me. How do I battle that badness? The sad part is that in my head, I know these things so well. Cognitively, I could be very mature. But they can't grow for my heart until the time comes. So my soul is constantly waiting for another tragedy, another night out, another perfect moon, to learn the whispers in the stars.
I felt so much love today. You know I get like that. At times, I feel disconnected from every human being and like I could never care again for someone, but then other times my heart is filled with so much fondness for my friends and family. I thought about Ryan and how I just like seeing him and talking to him, telling him things that I know he'll just look at me with his straight stare and, "Mhm." That's what I need sometimes. It feels like bandages. I laughed with my mom and watching "There Will Be Blood" with my dad. After the movie I was on the couch for a bit, snuggling up with Millie, and he came over and started messing with us. I saw his face and I thought about if I had committed suicide, how he would have been now. He has such a sweetness, an okay-ness in his face. I would have taken that from him. Millie would look for me. My mom would not be the same. That woman has been through too much already. I know she could handle it, but I don't want her to. So I keep my lungs going, keep the blood surging, keep on keeping on. It's a love affair, really. Life is just a big love affair with yourself. And maybe, if you're lucky enough to find someone and mature enough to love yourself, you'll get to have a love affair with someone else, too. That's a big step, though. I give those people huge props. It's like being on store support versus being the rockstar on bar during peak. You work for it, you struggle with it, you earn it. I don't know how to not be me. But good lord I just want to be a good woman, with a little daughter, a son, a lover, parents, Tucker, a little life with big thoughts, and an everclearest view of the night sky. I know I will fall in love again. I barely put my pinky toe in. How frightening that I could feel even more. I feel like something tragic must happen, but no. Keep moving up. At least my hair smells amazing right now.
It's odd. Austin is my turf. How could I leave? I want to go to Botswana very badly. So I will work for it. I love you, big world. I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. For everyone who tries, is unsure, needs my prayer, needs a promise tonight: I love you so much.
I thought a lot today. Although at work I was joking around with my coworkers and I fucking love them and I do seem to "fit in" (for the first time in a while), I was still caught up in my head. I was mainly thinking of all the improvements I need to make. I wish I was like Ryan. The way I see him, he tries to be a good guy. I try, too, to be good, but I feel like I come off as fake sometimes. I don't know. I was just very confused today. I want so badly to be myself, but that means accepting that there is badness in me. How do I battle that badness? The sad part is that in my head, I know these things so well. Cognitively, I could be very mature. But they can't grow for my heart until the time comes. So my soul is constantly waiting for another tragedy, another night out, another perfect moon, to learn the whispers in the stars.
I felt so much love today. You know I get like that. At times, I feel disconnected from every human being and like I could never care again for someone, but then other times my heart is filled with so much fondness for my friends and family. I thought about Ryan and how I just like seeing him and talking to him, telling him things that I know he'll just look at me with his straight stare and, "Mhm." That's what I need sometimes. It feels like bandages. I laughed with my mom and watching "There Will Be Blood" with my dad. After the movie I was on the couch for a bit, snuggling up with Millie, and he came over and started messing with us. I saw his face and I thought about if I had committed suicide, how he would have been now. He has such a sweetness, an okay-ness in his face. I would have taken that from him. Millie would look for me. My mom would not be the same. That woman has been through too much already. I know she could handle it, but I don't want her to. So I keep my lungs going, keep the blood surging, keep on keeping on. It's a love affair, really. Life is just a big love affair with yourself. And maybe, if you're lucky enough to find someone and mature enough to love yourself, you'll get to have a love affair with someone else, too. That's a big step, though. I give those people huge props. It's like being on store support versus being the rockstar on bar during peak. You work for it, you struggle with it, you earn it. I don't know how to not be me. But good lord I just want to be a good woman, with a little daughter, a son, a lover, parents, Tucker, a little life with big thoughts, and an everclearest view of the night sky. I know I will fall in love again. I barely put my pinky toe in. How frightening that I could feel even more. I feel like something tragic must happen, but no. Keep moving up. At least my hair smells amazing right now.
It's odd. Austin is my turf. How could I leave? I want to go to Botswana very badly. So I will work for it. I love you, big world. I love you I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. For everyone who tries, is unsure, needs my prayer, needs a promise tonight: I love you so much.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune :: OH MY
I want good love; I want it so bad.
I love affection. Why don't be engage in it more? Why not just, you know, put your head on a stranger's shoulder on the plane? When you're sleepy and you need a place to rest? I don't see what's so wrong with that. Maybe we'd get along better if we knew how to touch each other in a platonic manner, just admiring the skin and muscle of human life. Skin is gorgeous. I love feeling skin, and I love seeing someone's hand resting on me, moving a bit now and then, and I can see the little hairs and the shine on their nails a bit, they could tap out a beat or warm themselves, I don't care. It's weird to think that I'll be 20 years old in three and a half months. As I approach that age, I'm remembering more and more of my childhood. Little things I said that I think are cute, and at the time I felt like the smartest person on earth. I love interacting with children now. I feel like I really am leaving that phase, and it's bittersweet. I hear ages 20-29 are particularly challenging. I found 13-19 to be horrible at times. Teenage years. I'm proud I made it out of my teens alive. How the fuck did I survive? I think I died a bit on the inside for a while there, but now I'm back. I learned a lot. Beauty does not come from God. That's probably the best thing I ever learned, because it gave me more hope than anything else. I have seen people grow, and I have seen some people stay stagnant. How horribly boring, to wake up and want to be the same person each day, on the same trajectory. I want rapids, white foam in my rivers, stones to leave bruises on my knees. I want to wake up and be a new person every day, live a new life every day. I need to be everything at least once before I'm gone.
Here's the tattoos I want.
I want a solar system tattoo on either my ankle or ribcage, the golden ratio on my ribcage, left sleeve of trees and cityscape perhaps (austin...Trees... Universe), and a bold, dark circle on my right wrist filled in with an intricate portrait of the night sky/outer space.
This is what I want on my ribcage. Fuckin ace!!
Okay well perhaps it is time to study and whatnot.
I love affection. Why don't be engage in it more? Why not just, you know, put your head on a stranger's shoulder on the plane? When you're sleepy and you need a place to rest? I don't see what's so wrong with that. Maybe we'd get along better if we knew how to touch each other in a platonic manner, just admiring the skin and muscle of human life. Skin is gorgeous. I love feeling skin, and I love seeing someone's hand resting on me, moving a bit now and then, and I can see the little hairs and the shine on their nails a bit, they could tap out a beat or warm themselves, I don't care. It's weird to think that I'll be 20 years old in three and a half months. As I approach that age, I'm remembering more and more of my childhood. Little things I said that I think are cute, and at the time I felt like the smartest person on earth. I love interacting with children now. I feel like I really am leaving that phase, and it's bittersweet. I hear ages 20-29 are particularly challenging. I found 13-19 to be horrible at times. Teenage years. I'm proud I made it out of my teens alive. How the fuck did I survive? I think I died a bit on the inside for a while there, but now I'm back. I learned a lot. Beauty does not come from God. That's probably the best thing I ever learned, because it gave me more hope than anything else. I have seen people grow, and I have seen some people stay stagnant. How horribly boring, to wake up and want to be the same person each day, on the same trajectory. I want rapids, white foam in my rivers, stones to leave bruises on my knees. I want to wake up and be a new person every day, live a new life every day. I need to be everything at least once before I'm gone.
Here's the tattoos I want.
I want a solar system tattoo on either my ankle or ribcage, the golden ratio on my ribcage, left sleeve of trees and cityscape perhaps (austin...Trees... Universe), and a bold, dark circle on my right wrist filled in with an intricate portrait of the night sky/outer space.
This is what I want on my ribcage. Fuckin ace!!
Okay well perhaps it is time to study and whatnot.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Tent
Please, remember me happily, by the rose bush laughing.
I am camping in my backyard!!! I pitched a two-man tent, filled it with books and blankets and made some popcorn. Yum! It's quite nice. It's a different air. I like it. I've been thinking about Pitseleh a lot lately. I made it through a week of college quite nicely. Things are easier now. My personality is better. Tonight I closed at work with Nic and Matt. It wasn't so bad. Nic told me that he's bipolar and he's been on a lot of medicine. He says he knows that he's an asshole. He also said that he got shitfaced at the holiday party to prove a point. I dunno. I think he's got a lot of growing up to do as of yet. He probably shouldn't drink so much, if he does. It seems like alcohol is a big hit with some people. I like it, but I'm all uptight you know what I mean. I dunno. I don't even know what I mean. I like college. What I don't like is this little tickle in my throat. It's been there for a while. It's probably because I smoke, but oh well. I barely smoke at school. One cigarette a day, at most. I feel shitty smoking at school. Not sure why. But I love smoking when I'm home or at work. I'm so odd. I love me. Ha, ha.
I don't know. Life is still sometimes hard, but I feel things have gotten a lot better. It's time, really. I'm feeling better, stable on my meds, I love my job, starting school. I feel okay. I'm planning for some better stuff ahead, all in due time. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but sometimes I worry they won't happen. I want to take this tent and go cross country like my dad did. I so so so so so so so so so so so badly want to fuck a boy. I'm 19 and a virgin. Soon I will be 20 and a virgin. I'd go out and fuck some rando, but I want my first time to be important. I want to lose my virginity to someone who is memorable, who I can tell stories about, who knows how to make love, whose love is an opiate.
What else? I work tomorrow from 2-4:30. That's a very short shift.
Everything you are is everything we have.
You're the only good thing.
A sun came.
It burned our faces round, burned our faces red.
You are still the rake, the rock from the enemy.
There is still a house, a cage for the enemy.
When my friends turned out, I found out there's still a Lord.
I've never felt so lonely...
A sun came.
I am camping in my backyard!!! I pitched a two-man tent, filled it with books and blankets and made some popcorn. Yum! It's quite nice. It's a different air. I like it. I've been thinking about Pitseleh a lot lately. I made it through a week of college quite nicely. Things are easier now. My personality is better. Tonight I closed at work with Nic and Matt. It wasn't so bad. Nic told me that he's bipolar and he's been on a lot of medicine. He says he knows that he's an asshole. He also said that he got shitfaced at the holiday party to prove a point. I dunno. I think he's got a lot of growing up to do as of yet. He probably shouldn't drink so much, if he does. It seems like alcohol is a big hit with some people. I like it, but I'm all uptight you know what I mean. I dunno. I don't even know what I mean. I like college. What I don't like is this little tickle in my throat. It's been there for a while. It's probably because I smoke, but oh well. I barely smoke at school. One cigarette a day, at most. I feel shitty smoking at school. Not sure why. But I love smoking when I'm home or at work. I'm so odd. I love me. Ha, ha.
I don't know. Life is still sometimes hard, but I feel things have gotten a lot better. It's time, really. I'm feeling better, stable on my meds, I love my job, starting school. I feel okay. I'm planning for some better stuff ahead, all in due time. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to, but sometimes I worry they won't happen. I want to take this tent and go cross country like my dad did. I so so so so so so so so so so so badly want to fuck a boy. I'm 19 and a virgin. Soon I will be 20 and a virgin. I'd go out and fuck some rando, but I want my first time to be important. I want to lose my virginity to someone who is memorable, who I can tell stories about, who knows how to make love, whose love is an opiate.
What else? I work tomorrow from 2-4:30. That's a very short shift.
Everything you are is everything we have.
You're the only good thing.
A sun came.
It burned our faces round, burned our faces red.
You are still the rake, the rock from the enemy.
There is still a house, a cage for the enemy.
When my friends turned out, I found out there's still a Lord.
I've never felt so lonely...
A sun came.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
An Atheist
I don't know how to feel anymore.
I kind of fucking love being an atheist.
But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.
There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.
One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.
I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.
I kind of fucking love being an atheist.
But then when you take something and turn it into a God and you know it's not, something fucking personal and beautiful and perfect, and you glorify it so much that you talk about it in the same terms that Christians talk about God, well that is just horrible. You're destroying a whole point, to run from God. From that captivity. I have myself, I am a universe. I am my universe. I craft myself, shape myself, and what happens is all my fault and all deserved, all beauty and luck and grace and disgust and hate. I am a factory. I am nothing, everything. I do nothing. I want nothing.
There are so many groups for Christians here on campus. I understand, since I was a Christian (and a rather hardcore one at that) once, it can be so difficult. People don't understand the faith, they ridicule it at times. It can be difficult. So people form group (why are there like 20 of them?) to feel united against misconceptions. But what about the atheists? Why isn't there an atheist group? We're just as confused and fucked up as all of you, we're humans too. I don't really *really* define myself as an atheist, only for practical reasons.
One thing I know from therapy is that I think I'm better at talking myself out of something than I really am. Intelligent people see right through me. Right right right through me. You can't fucking mess with me and act like you have something better to do, because I know you're just fucking with me. Why why why am I like this? I share myself with so few people in hopes they'll love me. Are they going to leave me? I get scared. I need to tell him: just please, please don't abandon me. I will not try to hurt you. Don't abandon me.
I think I'm a puppy. Kicked like, "Fucking love me okay? Just love me." One day I think someone will. People do already, which is amazing. Default love, parent love. But stop thinking of it that way. If I could, I'd feel so much better inside.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
