Isn't There Someone Out There I Am Keen For?

I want good love...
... I want it so bad.

My new anthem. I'd just love to be myself and be accepted, even by me. Why this constant WORRY? It's this horrible cycle in my brain that never allows me to be fully happy for more than a moment. When's the last time I was actually happy for longer than a week? [Oh yeah, ... last summer.]

Happiness... I hate that fucking word. Who cares? I just want to be respected unconditionally. I don't understand anything, in the end. In the end, I'm so confused. I feel as if someone has thrown everything I need to know into a big pile of rubbish and I must dig through it and sort it out. But I can't. Am I truly so behind everyone, or is there a peace to come later? I'm so tired of never quite feeling settled. It's driving me mad. Absolutely mad. It makes me want to cut again, to make the confusion and endless questions STOP. They never do. They run in my mind, and I'm only allowed a breath just before I break. I'm beginning to trust, absorb, deny, hate, and want everyone around me. Because I don't know them. I don't know their troubles and their issues, so they could just as well be fake. Could be dolls.

What is so warped with me? Why did I come out wrong from the personality factory? I can make friends, but it's so hard and I don't see why. I'm not an unpleasant person.

What sucks is that I desire the good. I truly do. I don't want to hurt anyone (unless they hurt me, in which case, they can go fuck themselves), I want to please people. But then I get hurt. I base my worth on others' reactions to my attempts to cheer them up. So what's the right approach?

I have plenty of good qualities. But holy FUCK, why is this so hard? I'm going mad. I really am. And there's no one I can talk to who will understand it. Possibly Ryan. Possibly Alison. This is some deep shit. ...

I'm tired of asking the same questions, answering them, and then failing somehow. Am I doomed to a life of this? If I am, tell me now and I'll end it. I find no beauty in this right now. I only see confusion, constant across the days. I need a break, and fast.

The depression (or just myself) doesn't even allow me to be proud of the good things I am doing. That's why I drink. To be happy, to just forget. The problem with drinking is that I need to be with someone, or else I'll hurt myself. I should be so proud right now. I just aced my interview that I was so worried about, I'm in college again and keeping up really well so far (one week down!!!!!)... What else is good? I have people I can call when I need help. Maybe not a lot, but a few, and there's genuine. Ryan is there for me, unconditionally. He's just a GOOD guy. Actually a good guy, unlike the last guy I thought was good. His only flaw? I don't know, maybe he's a bit silly.

I need to stop this madness before it swallows me whole. Quit it. Just be YOURSELF, and make no apologies. To anyone. Not to my parents, to my friends, to God, to myself, to my professors. Just BE YOURSELF. Talk up in class if you have something to say. Just shoot your hand up. Teachers love that. Seriously. Continue to work hard. If you end this semester with a 4.0, who can take your hard work away from you? You will grow up to be so smart, even your parents will fear you. You will grow up to be so beautiful, even young college girls will envy you. You will grow up to be so lovely, that everyone who sees your truth shine through will want to cling to you. And all in whose name? I don't know. I just want to be an instrument of love.

Spins Madly

The whole world is moving, and I am standing still.

I get it now. I get my game. Why I'm this way. It's like that song, "Alameda"... "Nobody broke your heart, you broke your own." I always feel a need to break my own heart before anybody can now. I'm so worried. I always slightly fall for any good guy I meet. It's inevitable! I feel like a lot of girls do this, though. I've pretty much pictured myself with every guy friend I've had. But then I find a way to deny it, to tell myself no. Because if I don't, I can get so lonely and sad. I've got to be hard on myself, or else I'll feel awful. The whole Gmo thing? This whole summer, since day one, has been trouble. I knew it when I first met him. I don't like him or anything, but I know if I wanted to I could go down a dumb path that I've been down so many times before with so many guys. I'm young. Why can't I be different in this sense? I can be over-the-top and I just hope people can still respect me in the morning, no matter how weird or desperate or odd I seem. That's up to them, I know, but I get so weird. And then I do things for fun but I end up hurting people. I guess I need to learn that you can't play with people... I love playing with people, but it's time to give that up. Or else, you're gonna have a hard time in life. Be straight up. I hope people can forgive me.

Wait. Let me be straight up now! Even to my own stupid blogspot I'm not honest!

I hope that Gmo and Jenna can forgive me. I probably come off as ill-intentioned and immature, and maybe I am. A lot of the times, I struggle with who I am fundamentally: what are my intentions? It's a horrible thing to struggle with, because it's like saying: am I evil or am I pure? Like that guy's tattoos. Do I want to be somebody that I'm not? I've always wanted to be that bad girl, the tough one that no one will mess this. It shows I get hyper. But I'm not her... am I? I'm shy, I'm nice, I'm quiet. Or what?

See you later... if I see you at all.

I feel like that sums it up. I need to learn to be stronger. So what if things don't end up perfect? Get over it and make it better. I feel like Gmo can teach me a lot, but he is trouble. Can't get any closer to someone like that and I know it. It doesn't matter anyhow. I just like the attention, but what I really need is the toughness. Someone to say, "Hey, you're wrong." That's why I'm best friends with Jenna. Because she's so different than me, she shows me another perspective. If I was friends with someone similar to me, I'd be going downhill fast. She's got my back, and she's such a cool person. She's cool being herself, and I hope to one day be like that. To all the people that just fan me with attention, nah. That's not where it's at. I'm sad I won't see Gmo these next 3 days, but he is just too complicated. Who knows what will happen. I don't like the feeling of liking anybody, even as a friend. It's too scary. I always like people at first, then something happens. I hate this time, because I know it's going to end. Then what?

Here's the basics of it. I don't want Gmo to think I'm a bad person for what I've done. I want to say sorry. I want to quit making these stupid mistakes and hurting people. I want to just be good. I want to be able to talk to him in the future when I need advice. I want a friend. But I want to balance, too. I don't know how to empower myself at ALL. I need to stop pulling people aside, because they will stop loving me. I need to let things go, let things be, let things happen. I feel like Gmo doesn't know when to drop a joke so much and neither do I. Who knows... we all have growing to do. I just like being involved, and maybe I am ill-intentioned, and that's why I don't always want good things. Punishment? As if I understood. Some nights I can barely stand myself. Other days, I'm OK. Tomorrow will be different and I will only have to endure a small portion of the day before I can talk to Jenna about it. Then this week will fly by, and then it'll be Friday or Saturday and I can tell him. I am a bad person sometimes... I love attention, and I need to learn to be more humble. I gotta be me, not some tough version of who I wish I was. Nor some sweet, innocent version of who I think I'm supposed to be. It's so hard, I'm finding, when we are raised with so much input. Do this, do that, be this, be that. But what do I think? Or do I even HAVE an opinion anymore? Who knows... It's 1 a.m. and I always have unanswered questions and unsaid things I need to say. I guess it's my punishment for being foolish and not seeing other people as having feelings. That's the thing I hate sometimes: I need to experiment and find out what's wrong, and sometimes people get hurt along the way. I am so dumb... It's okay, though. It's not really a big deal... I can let it go, because a week from now things will be really different. And like Noah and the Whale says in the iconic "First Days of Spring"... "I know in a year, it's gonna be better." Just you wait. Things do change.

You Can't Run, You Can't Hide

Siento que hay en mi algo esta cambiando.

This is that time when the evil in you can stop you from doing good. In all situations, I look at everything. At least, I try and try not to. I feel like this is the first time I'm actually so confused and saddened that I need to tell somebody. I don't know what to do. I hate this. I hate that it's going on ALL around me and I can't run from it or hide from it, but I don't know how to fight it yet. Or if I can. How am I going to do this? The problem is that it isn't my life. It's different ones. And I have so much doubt that I'm vying for attention or pretending, that it could stop me from doing what needs to be done. It weighs on me. I can't stand it. Why was I brought up with dollies and good things, and these girls lack? I wish I could hold on forever, because when I leave I won't know where they go. I guess after a while you learn to not get attached. But right now, I am. How can I let something bad happen to little girls who did nothing wrong? I know what I have to do, but it makes me just think about me. Who am I to do this? Who am I at all? Am I a good person, and what are my motives? I hate this. I really do. I never know what to say or how to put others in front of me.

I'm losing focus everyday. What am I doing at all?

It's been almost a month since I've cut. I've wanted to very badly at times.

It's been a year since I moved away to Notre Dame. How things have changed. It's better now because I see a better end, but there's so much to do! Real life. I have grown up a lot in these past 12 months. Learning to get my own shit together, meet deadlines, go out and do what must be done.

It's changing me. I used to be this girl that would blast Ben Folds CDs on beautifully warm spring nights, windows open, reading Shakespeare. I miss those nights. I miss everything feeling so far away from me, like I couldn't be touched by reality. I miss swinging in those chairs at Wesleyan nursing home with Gaby and Sarah. Hell, I miss the night Sarah was born, June 19, 2007, when the moon was a smile and I knew it was a sign. I miss thinking things were more important and frightening than they are. Now, I know things. Not enough, but I'm in between. I'm trying so hard these days, just to not try hard at all. What awfulness.

And now I need to think REALLY about other people. I mean REALLY. That's when I start to think I'm evil. Am I? Please tell me I'm not. I'm not... I am good, right? I don't want to be evil. Please.

I Won't Relapse

Oh, please just last.

I miss my boss. He was a positive driving force in the team, and now that he's gone, I'm worried. You know, when I meet people I always think a while down the road of that old line everyone seems to say on television. When some kid dies of cancer or something, people always say, "He was the kind of person who lit up the room when he walked into it." It's said so much I almost don't believe it. But when I meet people, I think, "Is this person like that?" My boss was. There's a lot of negativity now, and honestly I'm afraid. I should write a letter to Jenna. I'm scared because Andrea has been acting funny and I'm not strong enough now to help her... Jimmy is just so negative and weird, he's dealing with something I know it but I don't like how he handles it, it is destructive to me personally... Eric is just neutral and won't ever do anything drastic... Jenna is my only hope here. And myself. There's so much I want to be. Gmo was right... He was so right. Do I believe I can get better? Or am I so stubborn with MYSELF that I am setting myself up for failure, telling myself internally that I'm probably going to relapse, drink, cut,... Gmo is right... One day, I will cut too deep, I'll cut a nerve or a tendon and I won't be able to play guitar or piano anymore. I'll cut an artery and I'll be dead, or close. Even if I don't mean to die, I could. And that's awful, because even though I am suicidal sometimes, I don't want to die. I'm curious to see if maybe I'll be texting some kid at 9:30 to meet me for coffee or tea and talk him out of doing something stupid. Maybe I'll change someone's life, too. I feel awful right now, honestly. These past few days, things have turned so fast. But it's okay. I'm on my feet still.

Resilience. Don't be afraid, Bianca. Quit being afraid of making the wrong decisions while making dumber ones in the meantime to cover it up. What good is it? You're gorgeous. Just look at any picture of yourself. Or in the mirror. Or watch a video of you singing. You're so beautiful and stylish. You're silly and you try to make the children laugh and happy. You want them to have fun games and be cared about. And when you sing, people fall in love with you. Zach did, George did, your mom does. People tell you that you have a gift, that you need to get signed, you need to perform outside, share it. Even when you feel like your skills are lacking, people bring you up. No one has ever said you don't sing well. People love you and think about you. Jenna just wants to be so good to me, even when it's difficult. You always wanted a best friend, and now you have one! Even Gmo, who you only knew for a few months, was concerned about you and went out of his way when he was BUSY, when he had to wake up at 3:45 am and leave for army training, (not even when he just "had free time" or was bored, no, he went out of his WAY for you...Wow....), yeah, even then, he invited you out. And when you initially said no, he asked again. People do care. People do want you to share, to be honest, to be given the chance to be good for you and care for you. Not everybody is going to be Jeannette and Gracie and Stella, they're not going to let you let go of yourself. If you drank with people who actually cared about you, they wouldn't let you make a fool out of yourself. And if you did, they wouldn't be "proud" of you. They'd take you out back, slap you a few times, and say that you're SO much better and SO much more beautiful than you were that night. That's NOT who you are and it's definitely not who you should be striving to be! Idiots! No, your worth isn't even related to how much you outdrink people, how crazy you can get, how many times you go out and party and do dumb things. Your worth is in how you treat people and how you approach life. It's in the words you say to strangers, in the joy you spread. It's in the love you share and create around you. It's in those moments when you don't let negativity seep in, when you don't let yourself compare your personality or beauty to anyone else's. It's in your hard work, in the way you let people feel around you. And guess what, love? That's something NOBODY on the outside can control, moderate, take away from you, or give you. It's all in you, it's all up to you. You control that. So what are you waiting for? Why ever feel bad, when you have all the tools to be a glorious human being, to make change in lives? You are loved, you are cared for, you are appreciated, you are strong. Believe in the power of YOU. Of Bianca Sicich. You Won't Relapse. You won't let those bad things into your heart. The future is so bright for you (granted--I said bright, not easy), so please don't give up. People need you out there. <3 p="">

The Coffee Isn't Even Bitter

Because, what's the difference?

Growing up is too exciting and painful and interesting for words. There's always a million things racing through my head and I can never quite sort them out right. It doesn't matter who I grow up to be, as long as I'm living a joyful, inspiring life and I'm seeking my purpose.

Blessing today: For the first time in my life, I have met an atheist who is not disgustingly shallow. We were sitting in his car, talking about our religious beliefs (I'm a questioning Catholic, on a faith journey that I nor no one else, I feel, understands yet...), and I said, "You know, I don't hate atheists. I believe in God, but I don't hate them. What I DO hate are shallow people who can't see beyond the 5 senses, and unfortunately all the atheists I have met are like that. It just makes me lose faith in them. And I don't want to stereotype, but that's just been my experience." Then he said, "Really?! You've NEVER met a cool atheist?" "Nope, they've all been assholes. Introduce me to a cool atheist and I'll like them!" "Me, you know me!"

Haha. Unexpected, but good. I love those conversations. Today was just a good day in general. I am finding my way, got someone looking out for me, trying to find out his name or what I believe about him. I'm scared because I know there's so much I have to do. I can't even comprehend it now. First thing I want to do? Get a good, stable therapist, figure out my deal with my medications and vitamins and supplements, and feel safe in this life. I don't know... I can't just pause everything, can I? I love my job, that's a sign. I do... it's not always easy, but I pretty much fit in. Sometimes things are quiet with Eric, and I don't relate to Jimmy as much, but I get along well with Andrea, Ashton, and Gmo, even though they're all 6+ years older than me and come from vastly different backgrounds. I'm able to joke around with them, smile, make conversation, and sometimes even discover some really meaningful truths. It's making me a more open-minded person. And hanging out with the kids all day? Ace. It's hard for me to believe that I'm able to do so well at something. A lot of times I see how I could be better, but this is my first job and I'm only 19. I was told for so long, by myself and the devil, that I can't do anything. I was worried coming into this job that I wouldn't be able to do it. It IS difficult, no lie, but I love every second of it (some days more than other, but still!) and I will miss my team and the kids when September comes. I have exactly one more month on this job, and I'm so grateful. What a blessing. But now it's time to move on to another stage. I don't know what to do!

What else... My faith journey. I don't know where to begin. I wish I had someone in it with me. I'm sure my parents would... I kinda want to just like travel and meet people and heal and see things. I'm not ready for that though, I can feel it. I need to heal myself first. What am I struggling with? Depression? Anxiety? Leftovers from the Chris drama, from growing up around negativity? I like to think I don't care, to think I'm so tough and unaffected... But maybe there is something there. Or maybe there's nothing. I don't know!

The story Gmo told me today about his cross dot bracelet was beautiful. Now I want to get that as a tattoo, as a little reminder of my faith journey and of this first job I've had. I also want my personal view of life on my wrist :-) And the anchor! Ah. Too many. And a nose piercing... and purple hair. Haha wow I distract myself with dumb stuff. See, this is why I never get any true healing done. But I have my second therapist session on Thursday morning, very nervous and excited. Who knows...

Today was good, but I don't know. I'm so scared, so confused, so unsure. What is happening?

And for the first time, I feel this way without a boy making me feel it. LOVE THAT.

You Are Enough

All my life I have been called unworthy.

Sometimes it's amazing to stop and remember that there's really nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I always get in this poisonous mindset that I need to change something about myself. What I want is for somebody to come along and say this

You are beautiful. And you're beautiful because you're you. You don't need to worry anymore, because I am here, and I will love you as you are. You don't have to try anymore, because you have me. I've seen you and that's who I love, who I want to love.

Nobody has said that to me. But that will be nice to maybe hear someday. I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on the medicine. For some reason, the meds make it hard for me to find it amazing that I actually feel normal. I'm used to waiting for something to go wrong. Now I feel better. It's not over though. I need to get in to see a therapist. But I can't go through depression again. The cuts will get deeper and I'll get more afraid. That's what I am, afraid. I'm afraid of changing anything. It's like that stupid Jumbling Towers game I played... I can get higher, but it means risking everything falling. Going away to college (again)... Can I handle that? I know my parents will let me pull out if it doesn't work out. But I'd like to DO something with my life. I'd like  to be able to move on and do whatever I like, but I feel like something is holding me back. I don't understand. I'm praying more. I like singing, using my talent for God. Whoever he is... I'm confused because I don't really know what I believe or why I believe what I do. I guess I just trust my heart. It's so odd to think that all I have had to do to be better is swallow a bit of pill each night. It's too easy. I'm afraid to love God because I know that he, or somebody, is there, but that's a big thing to face. It holds me accountable. I look at people of total faith and I wonder how they can even handle it. God..... he's calling me to love him, right now. I'm sleepy, but I want to just walk with God. Just go to a beach and pray my novena and be with him, in his presence, feel him there. I'm not strong right now. I'm sleepy and confused a lot of the time. I need to make choices. But I really just want to feel, beyond stable, like I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I want to feel like I am glorious how I am, like I really am made in God's image. But people usually like to give advice. I want to look at myself how I look at other people. As beautiful, intriguing, worth following into bad places. I want to feel like I can go away from home and make a new one. What am I going to do? Who will actually love me? I know God is calling out to me that he will, he will put those words in my heart from his mouth. I run from him and look for him in the wrong boys. He's calling me to him now.

Redeemed

I am redeemed.

I am afraid to talk about God for fear that he'll go away. It's like when I like somebody, I try to stay away from them because I know it's too good to be true. But maybe that's the relationship I need to be in right now. Not with Zach, not with some other boy, but with God. I have some beautiful struggle going on right now, and I know it's hard, but it's God's plan for me. In the end, I will be better for it... It's hard right now, and I know I don't understand why a lot of times, but I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord. He blessed me with the gift of faith on July 7, 2013. I don't know why, but it's time now. I'm so personal about this, too. Who I am to others and who I am myself are two different things, but I'm sacred. I know I am. I want to get to a balance to where I can keep that privacy but also share enough to form relationships. I'm growing, and Lord knows I'll be growing until the day I die. The Lord has GREAT plans for me, but I don't know them yet. Plans for greatness and for love, for joy. Not just my joy, but to bring joy to others. My heart is not in the right place now, and I need to accept that right now. I need to accept that only God can get me to the place I want to be. It's going to hurt (and it's always going to surprise me how much), I'm going to have to be nasty and jealous and a person I don't want to be, but I am holding the hand of God. When I walk alone, I don't really. I want with Jesus. He guides my feet and now I want him to guide my heart. Lord, PLEASE keep me strong tomorrow. I will pray to you in my moments when I feel helpless. I need to know what to do, where to go. I have some roads to travel and I know it. Be with me Lord. Please.